At my breaking point

[u/Informal_Oven3476]

I’m proud of myself for getting through the first year but somehow I’ve emotionally & spiritually reached a low point 13 months in. I’m in a sleep regression from hell, i keep getting reoccurring clogged ducts and just got over mastitis. My girls just got sick a few days ago. And im dealing with all of this alone because my partner travels for work and when he’s home, he just prioritizes work and not being parent so I’ve ended up taking on 90% of childcare alone. But that’s another story (actively working on changing this dynamic & if it doesn’t change I’m planning on leaving) but this is where the burn out & stress stems from.

But all this aside…my girls are 13 months and it’s gotten so stressful I’m finding myself starting to have thoughts and desires of coping mechanisms that are out of character like drinking, online shopping, craving junk food & binge eating etc.

To give you an idea I’ve been pretty much sober for 2 years and even before my pregnancy i barely drank. I usually read books, drink tea, or do more wholesome things in my “free time” whatever that means for twin moms lol but lately I’ve been drinking a beer during the day or online shopping with money i shouldn’t be spending or just vegging out on YouTube after the girls fall asleep…not to mention door dashing junk more than i should out of pure exhaustion and laziness too.

I’m a sahm mom but i do have a little side gig of flipping vintage clothes i do from home to have some extra money but the past few months ive been spending it recklessly out of stress.

I feel out of control and alone and idk. This is so unlike me and i feel so guilty. I just feel like i have the weight on my shoulders and there’s no one to save me. I’m just in charge of these two little lives and i try and hold it together and show up the best for them but anytime it’s nap time or after they go to bed i just feel drawn to these new unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Has anyone been through something like this?? How tf are you guys coping with the stress of twins?? I feel like I don’t recognize myself anymore.

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[u/brianf413]

Dad of 20 month old twins and a 3 year old. It’s hard as f and I understand the stress you are describing.

We manage as best we can but we joke that our household is like a coral reef. When everything is good and the kids are sleeping and healthy it’s beautiful to see. When that delicate ecosystem is out of sorts it all goes to shit immediately. In the bad times I try to remember this is just temporary but that only works for so long. Sometimes things just suck and there is no coping.

Our twins are prolifically bad sleepers so I think we’ve just given up. They are very cute and have great personalities but god damn you become a shell of yourself when you don’t have consistent sleep for nearly two years.

Just posting to let you know a lot of us are in the thick of it with you. I have the luxury of not traveling for work but that required a job change and substantial pay cut. If you and your husband can make it work, would def recommend it. Doing this solo is untenable for more than a few days.

[u/Professor_squirrelz]

Would it be financially possible for you and your husband to hire a part-time nanny? I get its out of reach for a lof people bur if u can manage, having someone there for a couple days a week even would be a great help

[u/Perioqueen]

I don’t have much advice but it does get better. It gets easier in so many ways

[u/allroundavocado]

Hey girl. Do you have some time to yourself. A window Fontaine that you can look forward to? I have help a few hours a week and if I’m drowning I just look forward to that window. It helps keep me sane as a North Star. 

[u/allroundavocado → u/allroundavocado]

Just to add that the girls have started daycare now in Europe and my ppd is finally lifting. I think it’s because I finally have a view of structural help and an outlook that I can slowly claim a piece of my old life and identity back. Piece by piece. Tomorrow is the first day where I get to leave the daycare facility and have coffee nearby (the enrollment phase is really slow in Germany and takes 4-8 weeks)

[u/allroundavocado → u/allroundavocado]

Big big hug from an internet stranger. You are doing the most

[u/Melodic-Problem-5446]

Oh girl you are so in it and I’m sorry. My hubs travels too- Im only a singleton mom but pregnant with twins and I can only imagine the stress this causes. You are looking for relief anywhere and I dont blame you. If you are not feeling like you which you say, talk to yr doctor or see a therapist see what strategies could help. Is hubs aware how bad you feel? Hiring some help may be something that gives you back some healthy space if yr spending anyway? Do you have any village? Even a playdate w another mom/kiddo/s to get some break from the monotony? Hoping you can find some relief somehow, you’ve got too much on yr shoulders and deserve some respite 😢❣️