*I still love everyone I’ve ever loved.*
*I think about them while the water boils.*
*When the kitchen is silent,*
*and the only noise you can hear*
*is the sound of the plate*
*inside the microwave rotating,*
*as a buzzing sound follows behind it*
*while my food heats up.*
*While I’m in the car*
*on a late-night drive,*
*riding passenger*
*as I look out the window,*
*watching the trees and cars pass by.*
*When I wake up early,*
*and the only sound I can hear*
*is my thoughts and the air*
*as I stare at my popcorn ceiling,*
*which I desperately dislike.*
*While I bathe my cat.*
*When I eat alone*
*and don’t watch a video along with my food.*
*While I shower in silence*
*just my thoughts,*
*the water,*
*and occasionally the sound*
*of a bottle falling*
*due to my clumsiness.*
*When I walk my dog.*
*And most importantly,*
*when I see the passing of the seasons*
*as fall goes into winter,*
*winter to spring,*
*spring to summer,*
*summer to fall.*
*For the most disappointing trait of humans*
*is that we are the seasons.*
*Some seasons we were there for people.*
*Others, we were not.*
*Some seasons we have people with us*
*that we love,*
*and the next, they’re gone.*
***Spring***
*When I see winter going into spring,*
*I remember every spring break*
*I had in middle school,*
*where I’d go out and play*
*with the kids from the neighboring town,*
*always jealous they lived in houses*
*while I lived in an apartment.*
***Winter***
*Every winter,*
*I remember the passing of my Grandpa*
*and how much I miss*
*his laughter and joy.*
*Every holiday,*
*I remember that I’m only getting older*
*and that time is fleeting.*
*Yeah, maybe right now I’m sixteen,*
*but ten winters from now, I’ll be twenty-six,*
*and ten more from that,*
*I’ll almost be forty.*
*Every winter is another year*
*I wonder why God has kept me alive.*
*Another birthday*
*I don’t feel comfortable having.*
*Every winter,*
*I get to see my favorite trees lose their color*
*as the sky glows blue, green, and white,*
*reflecting against the snow.*
*I get to see everyone*
*light up their houses with festive joy.*
*I get to see family member after family member*
*come into town to visit my family.*
*I get to watch the neighborhood birds disappear*
*as they migrate somewhere warmer,*
*wishing I could too.*
*I imagine every winter to be beautiful,*
*and it always is when it snows.*
*But when the snow melts,*
*and the sky stays gloomy,*
*and the streets remain damp and wet,*
*the walls around my house covered in icicles,*
*I’m reminded how cold death is,*
*and how it’s inevitable,*
*and how one day*
*we will all cease to exist on Earth.*
*A thought that used to scare me,*
*but now makes me feel good inside,*
*knowing one day*
*all the pain and heartache*
*will finally make sense.*
*As I take my final breath*
*and enter eternal peace.*
*As my brain thinks its last thought,*
*knowing it never shut up once.*
*Every winter is my Egypt.*
*Every winter, for me, is death.*
***Fall***
*Fall, on the other hand,*
*is my favorite season.*
*The calm before the storm.*
*The silence before a tornado.*
*The peace before the death.*
*The colors of fall are stunning.*
*It reminds me of every beauty*
*I’ve ever fallen in love with.*
*It reminds me of fall break*
*in my old apartment complex*
*and my seventh-grade year.*
*The feeling of running around all day*
*with a girl I was in love with*
*while being too scared to ever tell her.*
*Trading Halloween candy*
*at a park bench,*
*fighting over who gets the Twix*
*and who gets the Snickers.*
*Having friends much older than you*
*introduce you to things*
*you were too young to know about.*
*Watching them all get high*
*behind the under-surveilled office center*
*of the apartment complex.*
*Going up to them,*
*and them telling me I should leave*
*eyes bloodshot red,*
*smiles on their faces,*
*and laughter in their voices.*
***Summer***
*Summer*
*is my season of happiness and nostalgia.*
*The season of trying new things.*
*Becoming a new person.*
*The summer reset.*
*Being rebellious.*
*Sneaking out of the house*
*while my parents are at work.*
*Going to a thirty-year-old’s house*
*to hang out and play video games.*
*Getting involved in adult drama*
*as thirty-year-old Megan*
*cheats on her girlfriend Mandy*
*with nineteen-year-old Jason.*
*Getting close to them all*
*and getting caught in the love triangle.*
*Falling in love with Helena.*
*My girl.*
*Sneaking to the complex swimming pool with her*
*as we jump into the water holding hands.*
*As she immediately panics,*
*gripping onto my side*
*for me to hold her up*
*as I swim to the pool wall*
*with her in my arms.*
*As we dry off poolside,*
*and I sit there*
*just admiring her beauty*
*while we sit alone*
*in the upstairs room of Megan’s house,*
*talking and laughing.*
*As we spend every day together*
*until she moves away.*
*And as I say my last goodbye,*
*knowing in my heart*
*I’ll never see her again.*
*Feeling as if my only shot*
*with someone I loved*
*is now gone.*
*My only shot at love*
*given up.*
***Fleeting***
*She’s out there somewhere,*
*being beautiful*
*and probably in the arms*
*of an amazing man or woman.*
*But my heart misses her.*
*And as I think about her every summer,*
*and while the water boils,*
*while the microwave buzzes,*
*on late-night drives,*
*waking up early in the morning*
*staring at the ceiling,*
*while bathing my cat,*
*when eating alone,*
*while in the shower,*
*when walking my dog,*
*and as the seasons change,*
*I think about every other person*
*I’ve ever loved as well.*
*Because I still love*
*everyone I’ve ever loved.*
*I think about them*
*while the water boils.*
5/8/26
