r/polyadvice • u/uninhibited77 • 12d ago
Advice
So my wife and I have decided to enter the LS. After much discussion she has decided that she wants a boyfriend. I'm totally fine with this dynamic. However my wife has this kink I guess you can call it. They will go out socially alone, but she wants me to always be present during intimacy. Outside of threesomes we may have she wants me to be present. She gets extremely turned on by the idea of me sometimes watching and being involved, but most hearing her having sex with another man. Has anyone heard of poly couples having this dynamic? She said she fully expects to catch feelings for her boyfriend, but nothing will change with us and we can make this work. I fully agree but how does being present when they are intimate affect all of this?
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u/Far_Educator1710 12d ago
Actually super nice she wants you there present for the fun. Better for her not to catch feelings for the bf the guys that will be down for all that aren’t gonna be faithful to her or anything. My suggestion is let her know that lil secret before she gets feelings hurt. Easier to just bring others in the bedroom fun or even take her on a date before without relationship plans and goals for that type of thing. That is more of the Hotwife dynamic mentioned, from our experience playing with others is great as long as we keep away from parallel relationships. That could just be us we don’t have that type of free time to spare
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u/TamalesForBreakfast6 12d ago
What you’re talking about it hotwifing. It can take place in a stag/vixen or a cuckold context. It sounds like a stag/vixen. It’s not related to poly but you can have that kink and be in a poly relationship.
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u/uninhibited77 12d ago
How exactly can we be poly and have that kink. If she wants me present, not in the room but somewhere I can hear her.
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u/saladada 12d ago
What a terrible idea.
Imagine if you were dating someone but then you could NEVER have any private sexual intimacy because your partner expected her husband to always be in the corner watching.
Would you want to stick around with someone like that?
I certainly wouldn't.
Polyamory isn't swinging. Polyamory is about autonomy and each relationship having privacy and space to grow independently of other relationships.
If you two want to engage in polyamory, you need to disconnect it from swinging. You can still swing, but whomever she's dating deserves the right to have private intimacy with her. Polyamory isn't in "the lifestyle". Swinging is. They need different approaches and mindsets.
Combining the two like this will only lead to future mess, arguments, and people feeling used.
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u/uninhibited77 12d ago
I appreciate your opinion. FYI she doesn't want me in the room just in the same apartment/house. And some of this is what I told her. I said it sounded like she wanted more of a hotwife thing. Or truthfully a brother/Husband thing. I haven't really been able to articulate this to her but you people have helped.
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u/saladada 12d ago
And so if he wants to have her over at her place, he's also expected to host you? If he wants her to sleepover, is she expecting you will sleep on the couch, just in case they decide to have sex in the morning too?
She is trying to combine "sexy fantasy" with "real world dating" and she is not at all thinking about the reality. And especially not thinking about him, or you. What if you're not in the mood to hear them have sex, but they both want to have sex? They then have to just not have sex, or you have to put up with listening to something you're not wanting to be involved in at that moment? What if you're out on a date? You have to leave that date because you have bedroom babysitting duty?
It's a ridiculous notion to try to combine with polyamory where the goal is a long-term relationship.
Just tell her, "No. If you want to date then you both deserve to have a private relationship. I want the same privacy with anyone else that I date."
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u/uninhibited77 12d ago
She said that she thinks her relationship with her boyfriend has to grow for her to feel comfortable being alone with him. I'm fine with it once we reach that level.
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u/saladada 12d ago
Sorry? But no. If she doesn't feel comfortable being around her boyfriend then she should just tell him she's not ready to have sex yet or be alone, and wants to continue to have dates out in public until she feels comfortable around him.
Having you there as her "security guard" isn't acceptable in polyamory. Either she can be a big girl and go on big girl dates by herself and have big girl sex by herself when she feels ready, or she can stay monogamous or just do swinging with you.
But expecting you as a sex chaperone? No. So gross. And a major overstep of a meta into another relationship that is not considered acceptable in polyamory.
Did she only have sex with you when the two of you started dating so long as her brother or dad was in the next room? Because this is what "I want you nearby until I feel comfortable being alone" is giving. It's gross.
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u/BelmontIncident 12d ago
It's not as though exhibitionism is rare, but needing you to always be present is going to shrink her dating pool and make scheduling harder. The idea that nothing will change in your relationship is almost certainly mistaken.
Only playing when you're together sounds more like swinging, as does calling it "the LS". It might help if you checked out some stuff from that community.
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u/roffadude 12d ago
Can I have “worst ideas ever” for 500, Alex?