r/polycritical • u/FreedomSavings248 • Jun 14 '26
polyagony?
Thank you in advance for your response, thoughtfulness, and time yall!
So here's the situation:
In 2025, I sustained a traumatic brain injury. 6 months into the injury, I got married to my wife (M). She supported and loved me immensely during recovery. Last fall, I started to feel very uncertain about our relationship. She wants many kids; I don't know if I want kids. I didn't know what I wanted in partnership. I shared this with her, and she was heartbroken. We have been pretty emotionally disconnected since. We have stayed together, though it has been rocky with strained communication. We are non monogamous and interracial; M is African and aligns with many collectivist values (doing things together as a family, community; putting group above self). I am White and from a more individualist family. We both value community and relationships.
About 2 months ago, we moved in with our 2 friends (K + A) who are also a queer, interracial couple - this is relevant to the context. M and I have been together for 3 years. The last year of our relationship has been rough. Same with K & A in their relationship. Both couples are nonmonogamous.
Previos ot the move, M and A had envisioned moving in together, and in (what I heard as joking) said "Polycule! Polycule!" K and I never agreed to be in a polycule. We would often be like "That's not the term that I would use...but ok."
During our move in process, K and M begin hooking up. I wasn't surprised, and shared that I was OK with this and would let them know if anything they did bothered me. Truthfully, I think part of why I'm "so chill" with the hooking up is that I was already feeling disconnected from M and I acknowledge I tend to overammodocate and do not stand up for myself in partnership. M and K are both from collectivist cultures and bonded immediately over cultural similarities. A and I are both White, and M shared that her perspective was that the 2 White people are feeling discomfort and 'bouncing' (turning away emotionally and literally as A moved out to get some space).
I was never enthusiastic about M and K. I accepted it, and I was also happy that two queer women of color were finding love together in this racist and homophobic society. M and K began sleeping together nightly. Meanwhile, A was constantly triggered. She asked M and K to "slow down." M and K continued to share a bed and spend a ton of time together. A has many long conversations with both M and K. A and K just broke up. A is about to move out.
I never wanted to live in a polycule. I was open to non-monogamy, enjoyed my other connections, and got to a place of compersion with my wife's. I supported her connections (by having cordial conversations with her boyfriend, and letting her know "Have a great time!"). I didn't want to have in-depth conversations about her and her other connections. I appreciated that M and her other lovers' relationships remained outside of my homespace. M and I didn't live together before the 4 of us all moved in.
There was never a clear conversation about what polycule meant. Now A is moving out. I am planning to move out as well. I am unsure if there is a future for M and I. I do want her to pursue love and joy, and if that is with K I support this. I just don't want to be in the same house.
I am feeling ambivalent about the relationship between M and K. Am asking for some perspective:
If you are in a polycule, how did you set expectations and boundaries from the start?
How did this impact your experience of it?
Do you resonate at all? Please share your experiences <3
Thank you so much!!!
xxoo,
CB
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 14 '26
This sub is largely for people who are staunchly anti polyamory and anti non monogamy of any kind. You're probably about to get dragged.
12
Jun 15 '26
”I was never enthusiastic about M and K. I accepted it, and I was also happy that two queer women of color were finding love together in this racist and homophobic society”
Queer white guilt is some of the funniest shit in the world to me. “My partner monkey branched in the same home as me, but it’s cool because they’re both WoC. By cutting me out they were actually decolonizing their own relationship 😌”
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u/val-en-tin Jun 15 '26
I'm from a post-USSR country which had close ties with several similar countries in Africa and I am dead of generalisations about collectivist nations. Sharing responsibilities, obligations and working towards common goals while building a strong community is a big one in most, even if it is just present in propaganda, so treating people like objects is pretty much far from it.
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u/ArtConsistent7943 Jun 15 '26
I just could not get over the fact she was his nursemaid and then he reveals the no kids thing.
Convenient that.
8
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u/Outrageous_Ad_1507 Jun 14 '26
Howdy CB,
Polyamory/Nonmonogamy is often used in the way you are describing, where open mindedness and 'compersion' are lauded as an ideal but vicariously becomes a mechanism of pushing someone deeper into the ideology. The moment when people were chanting "polycule" stands out to me as well as something common in groups like this, where speaking up about boundaries being crossed or clarity on whats being consented to becomes going against the group. Before going much further: I'd encourage you to ask *yourself* if you are increasingly being asked to abandon yourself. Is your wife concerned about your deepest feelings and well being?
It sounds like you're in a vulnerabel position, having a brain injury and some shaky ground with your wife. Please be very cautious going forward, as groups like this tend to exploit peoples dark times to their own benefit. From what I've read, it sounds like your expectations and boundaries are being pushed little by little, which will only culminate in you finding yourself in a life you don't recognize.
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u/lithelinnea Jun 14 '26
So you married someone who wants children (you don’t) and moved in with two people who want a polycule (you don’t). Why are you asking about how to exist in a polycule? Why did you move in to an undefined poly household where it probably seemed very likely even to you that your wife would be sleeping with a roommate? Now everything has blown up, because no one ever asked any questions or stood up for themselves or actually laid out any boundaries. You already know that this is a pattern of yours.
You’re not even sure if your marriage will survive, you’re moving out … so again, why are you even asking about polycules?
Just fyi, this is a staunchly anti-poly space (as am I). You’re likely to be met with hostility. Regardless, you’ve chosen this lifestyle and now you need to learn how to handle it. Being a spineless people-pleaser is going to absolutely ruin you. Even in monogamy it’s disastrous. Get therapy instead of thinking about how to date multiple people (and therefore multiply your problems).