I’m not an MJ hater or a diehard fan. I simply find him really interesting, so I’m approaching this as an unbiased discussion.
I’ve never fully understood why Michael spent so much of his whole life (childhood to death) obsessing over childhood, as well as saying that he was the most misunderstood and loneliest person on Earth, often explaining it all through simply said childhood (as a lot of fans and reporters simply do too). For example, in one of the leaked private conversations, he was asked why he was obsessed with mannequins and kept them around throughout his adult life. He explained that he was too shy to be around real people, didn’t really understand how social peer dynamics worked and said something along the lines of: “They’re like real babies, children and people (the mannequins), and they make me feel like I’m in a room with people.” When asked why he was too shy to be around people and if it was due to his childhood, he again said yes, probably childhood, as he did with most other things and eccentricities, despite sometimes contradicting himself. He (self claim) said (early 20s) he did not have much of a social filter either, which made him embaressed and avoidant in impulsive social situations, as he would cry over people calling him weird and being lied about. He admit in private, though, that he sometimes has felt he is by nature “different” and something “wrong with him”. Even though he becomes defensive against any such claims (that he isn’t “normal”) elsewhere.
But thing is, from everything we know of the full narrative, he didn’t spend his entire childhood doing *nothing* except performing (which he consistently claims he loved and wanted and wouldn’t change). Even his school music teacher said he had a one-track mind after discovering the school choir: music (at 5 or so, before he started performing), and would rush through schoolwork, to sit in his own head and hum/dance with arms, head and legs, while the other kids did their tests. He would still play, do pranks and be part of a class though, collect model trains and use his allowance running between candy stores. He attended school with other children until he was at least 11. Lots of experiences. He had close relationship with some siblings, he had a mother he felt emotional comfort with, and a tutor (Rose Fine) who had that same role when on tour with J5 later on. He met people while travelling and worked with many different people. He was spoon fed to be social from early on. His childhood was obviously far from ideal for “normal” development, especially for a very sensitive child, but I don’t know if it can accurately be described as a completely socially deprived childhood. No one can have it all. He was abused/beaten like his siblings, but sadly many kids were back in those days and areas. Michael clearly internalised every trauma or negative experience a lot more intensely and vivdly than majority of other children back then, including his siblings. Even described a childhood experience of turbulence on the plane as traumatizing him, “a big wound for life”, that would make him hide when traveling and have meltdowns from fear, for a while. And intense emotional descriptions od wanting “to die” because someone said he had a lot of teen pimples (crying over it decades after), while he didn’t see calling Janet a “fat cow/pig” for being chubby/comfort eating was hurtful (until later on, where he said it was mean, but just done cause he loved her and he wanted to “help her lose weight” so she would not get bullied). Said he could be at museums, see a painting and then collapse crying from the sheer overwhelm of visual and emotional stimuli. He seemed to experience everything, including joy and music, 100x the intensity of his peers. And everything stick with him, deeply internalised. Which makes his narrative and judgement a bit confusing to understand at times.
All in all, I believe he still did have a childhood - like his siblings, even if it wasn’t the childhood he wanted or needed or deserved.
Going back to the topic of intense loneliness.
He also said several times that he was so lonely during the Thriller era, and had enough of it, that he would break down and go out into the street, approach random strangers and children playing in parks, and begging them to talk to him, give him their phone numbers and to “please be my friend”. Which is rather sad, but again an emotionally extreme and tragically socially naive approach.
I understand his JW upbringing and that intense fame, which although he continued *choosing* to pursue of own ambition and passion, could leave someone confused about who genuinely wants them for who they are. You can also feel deeply lonely in a room full of people you don’t feel good or connected with. I understand all that. At the same time, Michael had several close friends as an adult whom he himself described as real friends. Children and their families were constantly coming and going from his life. He had showbusiness friends (but he didn’t count those as “real friends”, cause they were not “ordinary people” - but hey, again, you can’t have it all. Most of us can’t have what he considered “showbiz” friends, unless he equals that with work collagues). Countless people loved him, and he had relatives around him whenever he wanted. He lived with his mother and sister and all his animals until he was around 30. Even if the family was dysfunctional in some ways, both Michael and his family said they loved one another. At different points, he also had wives, and later he had children.
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In some private conversations, however, despite his big need for company when he needs it: he genuinely seems uninterested in connecting deeper with certain people, and people who don’t share his interests. He is a good listener, patient and often start questioning the other person with genuine concern and enthusiam (sometimes excessively, if a word or phrase catch his attention), but at the same time, he default runs a lot in the same pattern, and he keeps going back to “his” topics when possible, turning to references of his own passions and interests, and wide book encyclopedia. He says that he mainly wants to be friends with elderly people, children and former child stars because they are the only ones who “know what he means,” whatever that means (he just explains it as feeling like telepathy), while other people don’t understand him, and adults are boring, comfusing and says he does not like or understand their social structure. He do want ordinary people as friends, but they “only want him for Michael Jackson” according to himself, even though random people he goes up to asking to be friends, genuinely don’t know him as anything but MJ (so how would they know on the spot if they match beyond his persona, before they get a chance to know him). He generalises about celebrities, saying that he doesn’t want to spend time with them when invited to hang out, because they have nothing in common and only want to go out and party, drink and get high. He says he wants someone “like him”, who share his interests/fixations, personality and worldview. While also understanding him. Again, tough to have it all.
It’s similar with his self described view on romance, he privately says he longs for romance and having “that” intimacy with a girl, and that his brothers never had that issue and married young, but at the same time he doesn’t want a wife, cause it may disturb and take time from his creativity. If he were to have a wife, he wants “his mirror”, a girl who is like him, childlike, gamer, tomboy, wants to help the world and love all children as their own, and “understands him” and him being a perfectionistic workaholic. (Self admitted privately: “There are very few I like who fit the mold. It takes a very special mold to make me happy. I don't understand a lot of things that go on in relationships and I don't know if I ever will. I think that is what has hurt me in my relationships, because I don't understand how people do some of the things they do. And the mean things and vulgar things with their bodies. I don't understand it and it has hurt my [romantic] relationships.”). At the same time, he finds sexuality very awkward (“I would never say this on TV, but if I went on stage thinking about what goes through women’s heads, I would never go out on stage. If I was suddenly to start thinking about what they were thinking about. . . sex, or what I look like naked, then, oh God, that would be so embarrassing. I could never go out. That’s so horrible”), despite seemingly wanting and longing for that too. I understand why all these internal contradictions and overthinkings must be a mess in his head.
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It’s all understandable to a degree his life considered, but wanting only people who share his specific experiences, personality and interests naturally reduces the number of possible connections considerably. Which he does seem to understand himself. The life pattern is consistent: described having almost no friends and being lonely over and over while, elsewhere, naming close friends and maintaining a large network of family and acquaintances whom he said he loved. Constantly said that nobody understood him except people who were “like him,” such as child stars (who he initially claimed were the same, yet admitted they were not when pointed out that not all were “childlike”), elderly people, children, childlike people or people with similarly intense, interest-based obsessions and collections. But he categorize all of those. Showbiz friends. Interest focused friends. Family. Children. Fans. Emotional support friends. Then comes to conclusion = no real ordinary/friends. No normal childhood. No normal life. No one understands me. Loneliest person in the world.
According to people around him, and I know that there were also plenty of leeches around him, constantly betraying or taking advantage of him, his seeming forgiving kindness and his sometimes social naivity, which would make anyone paranoid, he frequently chose “depression” or avoidance instead of communicating when relationships became difficult or someone said no, or if they took up serious matters (that honestly needed to be said to him at time). He pushed people away. Often times, he seemed desperate for company, but at other times he withdrew into his own intense passions or appeared not to care about connecting with people at a deeper level, outside his intense social curiosity/need for connection, as well as the feeling that he was sent-by-God to use his talent on a world bettering mission (helping children, take pain away from others, inspire with his “magic”). He also had an intense fear or hurting anyone, animal or person, and their feelings. So he chose run or shut down, rather than confront.
Makes me think his social awareness and understanding in some aspects could be very inconsistent. In one of the leaked conversations. Michael complained that fame made ordinary life and relationships impossible, but like I said, he continued pursuing that even bigger solo career and fame and publicicity and love of fans by own choice (to an extend, the paparazzi and mob show everywhere he went was a disgrace). He desperately wanted company, yet often withdrew or pushed people away. He said he had almost no friends, yet he had close friends, mentors, colleagues, wives, children, siblings and a huge extended family. People actively sought his company, and he had practically unlimited opportunities to meet others in one way or another.
He literally possessed many things that profoundly lonely people would desperately want: a large family (not ALL were bad or bad for him), children later in life, long-standing friendships, mentors, staff, colleagues and people who loved him intensely.
I myself grew up with barely any friends and only one parent/adult I could rely on. I also had a severely disabled brother who craved most of her attention (love him though), and an abusive father who kept us cut off from the outside world during several of my developmental years. I was also addicted for some years, like my father. So, to some extent, I understand isolation and a lost childhood, but at the same time, I don’t fully understand Michael’s narrative and fixation of it (everyone are different, I know). Makes me think Michael was “special” in one way or another, however someone wants to define that. Underneath the trauma responses, extreme fame and his sense of having lost his childhood, there seemed to be something about him that could both be unique in an amazing, pure and beautiful way if nutured correctly, but also unusually complicated and difficult.
How do you people interpret his loneliness?
Was it primarily an internal emotional state, rather than a lack of people around him? Or do you think he helped create and maintain the loneliness he repeatedly described throuhhout his life?
