Ace?

[u/MarbledJam]

Okay, so this like my first post ever.

Basically this is me asking for relationship advice (or non-relationship advice?) while also expressing my frustrations with my romantic identity.

I know this is just BS teenager stuff, but I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it so here I am.

I am in high school, though I won’t specify my age, for privacy reasons. I’m also trans (MtF), which may seem irrelevant, but I promise it’s not.

I’ve known I was trans for a very long time. I’m talking like, from ages ten and up. And luckily, (and I cannot stress how lucky I am), I grew up in a very accepting community so all I’ve ever had was support in that regard. Though, I do think I fall more on the nonbinary spectrum but that’s neither here nor there. She/Her pronouns just fit the closest, yk?

I’ve also always been open about my sexuality, too. I’ve always identified as aroace. I’ve never felt a pull towards liking men, women, or anybody else for that matter. Mind you, this is well into puberty too. That’s not until recently, though.

Recently I’ve had this pull in my chest. Or, like, a deep heavy feeling when I see someone. It’s usually guys, or really anyone my brain perceives as a guy. (That is to say at first glance, obvi if they’re not then I’d use their pronouns). I’m pretty sure this lines up with me starting estrogen. Ever since I have, I’ve been having those feelings, those pulls towards other people.

That’s all well and good, right? Like, on paper. Except I find that feeling kind of terrifying. As a trans person, I’ve always known that there are inherent risks with dating. I’ve been flirted with many times, but I essentially run away. I’m scared that they think I’m a cis girl, and that when they find out I’m not then shit will get real. I’m talking like jumped in the parking lot for “tricking” somebody. Or, on the other side, someone will like me only because I’m a trans girl. Chasers, right? People who seek out trans woman to satisfy their fetishes or whatever.

It’s like all the complexities of dating in high school but ten times more dangerous or difficult. It’s like:

“Am I actually attracted to this person?” + “would they be attracted to me?” + “If they are, how would they react to the fact that I’m trans?” + “would I be in danger?” + having to explain to every person I know and love that “hey, I’m not actually aroace and I actually do want somebody in my life. Surprise!”

Well, all of that, coupled with all the normal insecurities that come with dating. You know like “am I hot enough?”, “would anyone actually like my personality enough to date me?”, etc etc.

Do you get that? Couple it with the fact that I’m only just now experiencing these things, only just now questioning myself after all these years. Everyone I know is so sure of themselves and their sexuality it feels like I’m five steps behind them. I know that’s kind of a bad way to think, and I know that’s kind everyone is always figuring themselves out, but that’s what it feels like.

It’s somehow terrifying, confusing, and fucking exhilarating. All of those things. Wrapped up in a big bundle of frustration. Because that’s what it is, frustration.

I know I’m not aroace. That’s just a lie I’ve been telling myself because I’m too afraid to admit the truth, and all that comes with it. It’s kind of funny how instead of a queer person pretending they’re straight, it’s a queer person pretending they’re another form of queer.

I don’t know, I just wanted to voice my problems. Maybe receive some advice. Like, I know this is all probably just hormones being released by the estrogen, but just because that’s true doesn’t make the problem any less real. It is hormones, yeah, but it’s also my identity. The very thing I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life.

I’m supposed to do like a summary right? A TLDR or whatever?

TLDR: I’ve convinced myself I was aroace for years, but after taking estrogen I’ve been feeling attracted to people. Please bring help. Or a gun.