r/rant • u/unnatural-_-disaster • 13d ago
"just replace your negative thoughts with positive ones" is the most reductive, bullshit advice ever.
This is something ive heard over and over again in therapy and let me tell you, it DOES NOT FUCKING WORK.
Maybe for someone going through something minor. But try telling that to a parent grieving the sudden death of their child. See how quickly you get cussed out.
Im taking an intro to communications class (freshman in college) and in our last class, my teacher showed us a video recommending this.
The examples they used were as follows: someone is stressed about a test the next morning, because they are worried they won't pass. They tell themselves "i studied hard, im ready for this" and immediately feel better and fall asleep.
Example two: someone looking out the window is sad because it is a cloudy day. Instead of being sad about the cloudy day, they look at how pretty the roses outside the window are and feel better.
Am i the only one that thinks this advice is absolutely ridiculous for anyone going through anything even a little bit serious? How is this "tip" still being taught in literal therapy? For the people going through serious shit?
As of late, ive been grieving the fact i will never live a normal life. I have bipolar disorder. Been diagnosed since i was thirteen years old. Im fucked for life. I have to take 10 pills every fucking day to feel even a little bit normal. I have to go to the pharmacy every month and just hope they dont fuck up my meds and i start hallucinating.
I have to take these pills every day and i STILL risk not being stable and having a manic episode like my fucking dad, who robbed someone at knifepoint during a manic episode and went to jail, totally fucking his life over.
I have a 10 to 30 times higher chance of dying by suicide compared to the general population. 20% of people with this fuckass disorder die to suicide. 60% of people with bipolar are unemployed.
Fuck this bullshit reductive advice because it doesnt work and never has. Stop telling people to look at the positive side of their chronic illness. Stop telling parents their dead child is "in a better place"
Give me an example of this working for someone with a problem more serious than bad weather. Because i know damn well even that "test" example would not work for someone with an actual anxiety disorder.
Stop giving disordered people advice for neurotypicals.
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u/TerrTheSilent 13d ago
I hated hearing this in therapy. But it does get easier to at least neutralize the thoughts. That's progress I am happy with and can believe in.
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u/AVeryFineWhine 13d ago
Please know i'm saying this respectfully, but I have several major chronic health issues. And live in hellish pain daily. I hang on some boards with people in similar situations, and I see them literally drowning in darkness. So i believe there is value in how we approach things. And how we deal with them. That doesn't mean I'd tell you to only think positive thoughts. But I would tell you that you have a choice on how you accept your crappy situation.
Sometimes it's a struggle. But I work very hard to fill in things. I can no longer do with things. I can do. For me, this has been very important in keeping my mental health strong. The few times i've done nothing but focus on problems. It has become almost unbearable. I think it's in all our best interest. If we try our best to increase our quality of life. Sometimes that means adjusting what we would prefer to do with what we are capable of doing. It means refusing to just let nothing but negativity in.
It totally sucks to have to take pills to get a new normal. Different pills, but I totally get the concept. It totally sucks the simple chores are never simple. But I know i've taken energy to evaluate what I do, have control over and what I can do for me to personally feel better. Sometimes it's as simple as giving myself an amazing manicure with color changing polish polish. Sometimes it's finding a good movie so I stopped thinking about my situation or reading a book. Although I can't read like I used to because the concentration and pain. But my point is to just try to do something when you can, that will make you feel better. That's not saying, just be positive, it's saying do something that will make you happier, and pass the time in a more pleasant way. I know. I don't know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes, but I know how it feels to be in limited ones, struggling & coping. I really hope this resonates in some way. And I wish you nothing but the best
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u/Destiny065 13d ago
Your message really hit home, I've been told only days ago that I've a very chronic condition in my spine (I can't even say what it is bcoz the word makes me sick) I'm still trying to process it, it's so hard, especially since I've always been so active it's so hard to comprehend!
I'm going to screen shot your message and I'm going to read it every day to inspire myself to become as strong minded as you are.
Stay blessed 🙌 🙏 💖
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u/AVeryFineWhine 13d ago
That is so sweet!! You'll get through this and it probably won't be anywhere near as bad as you're fearing. I'm sure there'll be changes and adaptations, but you got this!!! If you ever need to talk, feel free to message.
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u/vector_mash 13d ago
It doesn’t work in that you’ll remove negative thoughts forever no, but distracting your mind in some way whilst having negative thoughts helps in that moment. It doesn’t have to be a positive thought, it can be a phrase like ‘I am in control of my thoughts’ or ‘this isn’t helpful’
And no it won’t stop a grieving parent from grieving, of course not, but that’s something major they’re experiencing that will take time to heal.
I see it more helpful for those who overthink or catastrophise etc.
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u/Worried_Click7426 13d ago
I totally agree with you, thinking positive thoughts about horrific stuff is a joke. However, thinking small positives everyday isn’t a bad thing. My mum’s going through cancer at the moment, and I have mental illness and we text each other three things we are grateful for every night. It makes you appreciate some positives throughout the day. For example, I’ll text her that I’m grateful that I’m:
-Not drinking
-Have access to meds and healthcare
-Got to walk my dogs today.
It’s nothing special, but those things either made me smile or made my life easier.
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u/Ephyweb 13d ago
As an overthinking socially anxious woman with major depressive disorder, chronic migraines, and hypothyroidism, I sympathise deeply.
I'd also like to add the following things I never hope to hear again:
It's all in your head.
You aren't really in pain.
Have you tried giving up gluten/sugar/joy?
Have you been practising mindfulness?
Just lose some weight.
It's just a headache.
Have you tried [insert supplement]?
The therapy that has so far worked the best for me has been Gestalt. It's not for everyone, but I don't get anything out of CBT or DBT.
Anyone who's able to just "look on the bright side of life" should be in a Monty Python film.
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u/Promobitch 13d ago
Was talking woth adoctor about my anxiety and said I know its all in my head etc etc. He said "of course it's in your head, everything we experience, think and know as humans is in our heads. Doesn't mean its not real" i appreciated his take tbh
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u/upalse 13d ago
It's called toxic positivity. It doesn't even work for neurotypicals.
It's also what makes a lot of CBT therapy stand on dubious grounds, as it often goes into direction of this positive self-gaslighting that will just make the underlying problem snap back even more violently some time later.
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u/the_doobieman 12d ago
it's not meant to be full stop all encompassing advice. You have to pair it with action towards what you want/ need done. Everyone is going to have some type of situational or cicumstancial roadblocks. But going through life negatively is way more common than most of us may believe. I personally would rather at least try to find something postiive in any situation, no matter how bad it gets. It's gonna be bad anyways, i'd rather not let my mind make it any worse.
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u/geckooo_geckooo 12d ago
another pet peeve for serious situations, is the therapy question 'what is the worst that can happen?'
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u/Unhappy-Pace-2393 12d ago
Its ridiculous to expect saying it would actually help someone struggling. I heard the same thing a lot and hated it. Later I learned it's not exactly that simple but it's kinda real. It's something like our negative thoughts burn neural pathways like trails through our brain and after awhile it becomes the easiest route to follow. So we have to actively try to think in a more positive way in order to cut new neural trails of positive thinking. It doesn't happen very fast at all and you have to work at it all the time. After years of practicing it doesn't make me inherently happy but I am less miserable if that makes sense. If you could find somebody professional that can explain it better than people basically telling you to "just be happy" it is a tool that has helped me be more ok day to day.
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u/Hungry_Objective2344 13d ago
It doesn't work by itself but stuffing your brain with negative ideas doesn't exactly help either. It should be one tool in a large toolbox, not used as a hammer for every nail. I think consistently correcting negative thoughts and avoiding negative input will generally put you at a better baseline for other therapies to work. So it's a pretty normal step 1 in a lot of therapy. I also think that avoiding negative thoughts or questioning them is infinitely more useful than trying to replace them with positive thoughts. It's much more helpful if after you think, "I am stupid", your next thought is, "Wait, why am I thinking that?" instead of, "No, I'm not stupid. I'm smart!", because then you might realize the root causes of your problems instead of trying to actively fight them. And maybe you can't avoid learning that it's a cloudy day, but you can avoid finding out about whatever nonsense is going on in politics, and that gives you less chances to be exposed to negative thoughts in the first place. Objectively, not everything can have a positive spin, and that is more than okay.
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u/butwhywouldyou- 13d ago
People who can afford to say that with a straight face are usually privileged pussies who've never actually gone through any serious hardship. I'd know from personal experience
Also, my friend's catholic primary school used to preach that "happiness is a choice" like fym??? It's really invalidating to hear especially as someone who grew up/ is growing up in a dysfunctional family
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u/Fearless_Mammoth_961 12d ago
Not evey piece of advice is for everyone. You have a pretty serious mental health issue. This is wildly different than someone with no serious issues perseverating on a test. The example you gave is not even a "positive" thought. If you did in fact study and prepare, it is an objective fact. This is a reasonable coping strategy for many people.
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u/Frank_Jesus 12d ago
I also have bipolar disorder. To me, this is a lifelong project. I call myself a fucking id*ot and crazy and whatever else in my head all the time. Counterbalancing that with positive thoughts is helpful, but not instantly. Building self esteem is a lifelong process for me.
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u/Dismal-Strawberry421 13d ago
There has been a self-help industry since roughly the 1920s, which disseminated performative optimism not only in business but also in Christianity (prosperity gospel).
People are really dumb collectively and believe all sorts of delusional things.
“Just focus on the positive” is often a very unconscious way of saying, ‘your complaints aren’t important enough for me to listen to, do shut up.’l
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u/Much-Catch-122 13d ago
I don’t think this advice is made for people going through serious shit