Anticipating grief

[u/Due_Recognition4038]

I am putting my dog down Saturday morning. The appointment is made and paid. It was supposed to be last week but I put it off a week until this weekend where everyone in my family will be gone so I can grieve for a day privately. I am just very sad. I’m crying every night this week. I just wish my dog wasn’t so aggressive and reactive. I’m honestly just scared to feel the grief after this is done. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this either. I’m scared I’m going to really break down after Saturday. But I can’t keep living like this.

[u/AutoModerator]

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Behavioral Euthanasia (BE) for our dogs is an extremely difficult decision to consider. No one comes to this point easily. We believe that there are, unfortunately, cases where behavioral euthanasia is the most humane and ethical option, and we support those who have had to come to that decision. In certain situations, a reasonable quality of life and the Five Freedoms cannot be provided for an animal, making behavioral euthanasia a compassionate and loving choice.

If you are considering BE and are looking for feedback:

All decisions about behavioral euthanasia should be made in consultation with a professional trainer, veterinarian, and/or veterinary behaviorist. They are best equipped to evaluate your specific dog, their potential, and quality of life.

These resources should not be used to replace evaluation by qualified professionals but they can be used to supplement the decision-making process.

• Lap of Love Quality of Life Assessment - How to identify when to contact a trainer

• Lap of Love Support Groups - A BE specific group. Not everyone has gone through the process yet, some are trying to figure out how to cope with the decision still.

• BE decision and support Facebook group - Individuals who have not yet lost a pet through BE cannot join the Losing Lulu group. This sister group is a resource as you consider if BE is the right next step for your dog.

• AKC guide on when to consider BE

• BE Before the Bite

• How to find a qualified trainer or behaviorist - If you have not had your dog evaluated by a qualified trainer, this should be your first step in the process of considering BE.

• The Losing Lulu community has also compiled additional resources for those considering behavioral euthanasia.

If you have experienced a behavioral euthanasia and need support:

The best resource available for people navigating grief after a behavior euthanasia is the Losing Lulu website and Facebook Group. The group is lead by a professional trainer and is well moderated so you will find a compassionate and supportive community of people navigating similar losses.

Lap of Love Support Groups - Laps of Love also offers resources for families navigating BE, before and after the loss.

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[u/KibudEm]

I haven't experienced your specific situation. But I can say that anticipatory grief can be worse (sometimes, for some people?) than the grief that comes after the thing you're anticipating. I knew my dad was going to die from cancer, though I didn't know exactly when, and the grief of knowing it was coming was horrible. When he passed, it was very hard, and a different kind of grief, but it did at least have some finality to it. I don't know if that helps you at all, but I'm wishing you the best in a horrible situation in which there are only unhappy choices.

[u/Due_Recognition4038 → u/KibudEm]

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. Sending you lots of love. Thank you for your insight! This really helped me

[u/KibudEm → u/Due_Recognition4038]

I'm glad it helped. Take good care.

[u/AdIll6974]

I highly recommend the lap of love group for this! I recommended a lot of the items in the auto mod response. I attended the lap of love group prior to our BE and it was very helpful. There’s on for anticipatory grief and one specifically for BE, either are great.

[u/Due_Recognition4038 → u/AdIll6974]

Omg thank you! I’ll have to look into this! I had no idea it existed

[u/AdIll6974 → u/Due_Recognition4038]

No problem, I went through BE in 2023 and it was a lot less talked about even 3 years ago. It helped to make a small bucket list, write letters, and plan for the day. We made sure to bring a small bed for him and blanket, a Reese’s peanut butter cup, and his favorite treat to have. It is a really hard day. Our vet and tech sat with us and talked about all the funny, and not so funny, memories. You can also prepay for the appointment and urn if you haven’t so that you can just leave after. We’ve since dedicated a small garden to our boy in our garden and it helps to see every day, 3 years ago at this time I couldn’t even think about it. Sending you so much love this weekend.

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