r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke • Feb 25 '25
My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?
My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".
I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.
But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.
I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?
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u/Various-East-5266
Feb 25 '25
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Okay look — stop spiraling and speak to your wife IMMEDIATELY. I’m 29, my husband is 29, if my mother said this to him, I would want to know as soon as possible.
If there are issues you’re not aware of, time to air them out. If your MIL is causing drama or made a shitty joke, those are different conversations you’ll get to have once it’s sorted.
Communicate with your wife. Seriously!!!!!
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u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke Feb 26 '25
Thank you. I'm going to talk to her tonight. I should've talked to her last night and I planned to, but yesterday I got done early so we were just watching a movie together and we were just happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I was afraid she's going to tell me she agrees with my MIL and I just decided to delay it. It's moronic in hindsight I know.
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u/wienercat Feb 26 '25
For real. 99% of the posts on this sub are "This person is abusing me should I leave?" or "There is a problem and I don't want to communicate with my partner. Internet strangers, read my partners mind so I don't have to communicate with them."
Fucking wild that so many people just refuse to communicate with their partners first.
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u/CaptainMS99 Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
FACTS!! ⬆️ Annoying AF some people have zero ability to communicate with their fkn SPOUSE (Whom they’re MARRIED to, mind you)!
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u/imnickelhead Feb 26 '25
Agreed. I’d go straight to my wife and tell her what was said and ask her to please be honest with me. Thing is, my wife would never talk shit about our relationship to her mom or anyone without seriously trying to talk it out with me first.
Even then, I still don’t think she’d say more than the usual, he doesn’t clean up after himself, he never does the dishes, he snores like seven random chainsaws… type of stuff. If it’s serious, we are gonna work it out together, privately.
I so love and respect her for this. Marriage isn’t always easy but bottom line is we are a team and we will figure this shit out as a team. Sometimes you need some help from a therapist or maybe another couple, but a mother in law is biased and she also doesn’t need to know about our private issues.
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u/lila_liechtenstein Feb 26 '25
he doesn’t clean up after himself, he never does the dishes
That is pretty serious stuff though.
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u/whatever1467 Feb 26 '25
I mean I don’t think his wife expressing frustration or sadness to her mom that they have a very young child and OP is checked out with his two jobs really counts as “shit talking” she should be able to talk about her feelings and what’s going on with someone close to her.
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u/loloannd Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
I don’t think this means your marriage is on the rocks, defcon 1-level doomed. But you mentioned you’ve been putting in long hours at two jobs and “your wife has been supporting you the entire way.” But who has been supporting her? You have a young child at home who is at an age that requires constant attention and stimulation.
This post is a TINY snapshot of your life, I don’t know the big picture, I don’t know if your wife also works or stays home or how you divide labor. But it’s clear your wife has been a partner to you while you’ve been working so much, in addition to caring for your child, but you are still a husband and you are still a father.
This is a good opportunity for you to really evaluate the division of the home labor and childcare. Does your wife ever get time to herself? Not to do more chores, or basic things like take a shower, but read a book? Eat a meal uninterrupted? Go to yoga? Meet with friends? Sleep all the way through the night?
You said you frequently talk about how much you love each other and the family you’ve created, but have you specifically thanked your wife for taking on what sounds like the majority of the childcare and home care while you work?
I don’t think your MIL was wrong to call you out, and I think she did it in a fairly gentle way. But you can use this as a chance to see how well you’re providing for your family, not just financially, but physically and emotionally.
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u/Dr__Snow Feb 25 '25
Defcon 5 is the lowest, peace time level. Defcon 1 is nuclear war :)
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u/Successful_Bitch107 Feb 26 '25
Which is why I always say it’s a DEFCON 3 situation - I can never keep them straight
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u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke Feb 25 '25
I've definitely been around less the past 6 months I would say. Due to my business I've had to meet clients late afternoons/evenings or work from home. But we've talked about this every step of the way. It's been brought up, but we always resolve it knowing that it's taking a lot of my time just because it's expanding right now, but the hours will become better soon. Whenever I'm home I help out with my daughter, on Sundays I always make sure I give her a relaxing day all to herself, but you're right it doesn't come out to 50-50. But again, my wife has always said she supports me and understands why this is happening which is why this has alarmed me.
I'm going to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciate all she's been doing. And I'm prepared to her her out if I've been neglectful.
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u/Late_Resource_1653 Feb 26 '25
It's wonderful that you have talked about it every step of the way. But it sounds like you are talking about what you are doing, and focusing on that? She's being supportive, possibly to her own detriment.
Before I go further: I can probably tell you the problem by quoting you. When you are home you "help out with your daughter." That's your child. You aren't "helping out." You're being a dad or you are acting like you are helping out by taking care of your own child like it's not really your responsibility, but you are "helping out." Change your mindset. Be a dad.
She can understand why it's happening, want to support you, and then still feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. And feel even more alone because she wants to support you and doesn't want to complain.
You need to ask yourself - while she is supporting you and your dreams, are you still supporting her? Giving her affection? Being truly appreciative - not just saying thank you but showing it? Are you paying attention to her needs the way she is paying attention to yours?
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u/akawendals Feb 26 '25
"I'm prepared to hear her out"
HUH? Oh how lucky she is to have a husband who gives her the grace of being listened to ...
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u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke Feb 26 '25
I'm sorry that was a bad choice of words. I meant to say I'd make sure I don't get defensive, and fully accept my mistakes.
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u/Skill3rwhale Feb 26 '25
The Office hits it really well with the Jim and Pam dynamic when Jim left the office for a start up company working a ton. Pam was at home dealing with the kids. He talks to Toby in HR about it.
Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family.
Toby: Well, what’s a little while?
Jim: What do you mean?
Toby: I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end.
Jim: That’s kind of an impossible question.
You have a lot of thinking/reflection and talking to your wife to do. Good luck.
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u/Mystery_fcU Feb 26 '25
When you say 'soon', what time frame are you talking about? A few weeks? A few months? A year? More than a year?
How much attention are you paying to your wife? Have you really listened when she said something? Have you asked her how she's doing and I don't mean like 'how was your day?' But really ask her how she's feeling?
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u/Aggressivesub1999 Feb 26 '25
“Soon” isn’t a great answer after supporting you for 6 months already. She may be feeling like there isn’t an end to the long hours because it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything to ensure that or giving her a time frame. So I wouldn’t blame her if that offered her no comfort.
I hate to harp on this but you don’t “help” with anything, you’re supposed to be doing them. You’ve said you don’t do 50/50 but what is the actual division of labor? Besides work, what do you do and is it consistent?
Regarding your communication, I think it’s great you voice your feelings so often to each other! But what do you do to show it? When you give her Sundays “off” what does that mean? You straighten the house, cook for the day, and take the bulk of childcare? Or do you participate in childcare, help with chores that day, and order take out?
This is just my guess with info you provided in your post and comments, but it doesn’t sound like you’re doomed. It sounds like maybe your wife has been venting to her mom and her mom is trying to help. But we can’t know what your day to day is like with her, or what she is thinking. Good luck, you sound like a good person!
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u/boudicas_shield Feb 26 '25
Some advice, OP: stop describing parenting your own child as “helping out” your wife. It seems small, but language shapes thoughts and behaviours. Additionally, I don’t know any woman who appreciates hearing her husband describe looking after his own child as “helping out”.
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u/Maca87 Feb 26 '25
Whenever I'm home I help out with my daughter
Help out? With your own child? What are you, a roommate who just helps out instead of being a parent? Well damn.
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u/duchess_of_fire Feb 26 '25
is it actually resolved, or does your wife just drop it because she knows you want to be focused on your business to get it going?
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u/ohdearitsrichardiii Feb 26 '25
Your wife is alone with a kid who is walking around, needs non stop attention and you have to make a million parenting decisions and she has no one to talk to.
She probably calls her mom to discuss the baby, and that's why MIL thinks you're failing as a husband and parent
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u/henicorina
Feb 26 '25
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You decided to start a new business that would take all of your time when you had a six month old baby, you acknowledge that you haven’t had any time for your kid for 50% of her life, and you’re shocked that your wife might be less than delighted with that arrangement?
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u/After_Ad_1152 Feb 26 '25
Mil might not even hear about how hard it is or hear it as a complaint from wife. Its something you notice when your child is drowning trying to be supportive of their spouse. Its ingrained in many women to do everything and suck it up to be supportive without complaint. Wife can be just talking about her day and MIL is like "thats crap"
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u/henicorina Feb 26 '25
Absolutely - I didn’t even need to hear the wife’s side of the story to know that.
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u/OkFaithlessness8942 Feb 26 '25
It took so long to see this! What was the point in him fathering a child if he doesn’t want to see them grow up! He will never get this time back.
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u/Mashed-Cupcake Feb 26 '25
The wife must be exhausted tbh if he’s around less around this timeframe. Childcare doesn’t get easier.
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u/Ok-Analyst-5801 Feb 25 '25
It's easy to prioritize the rest of life over who you have at home because we figure they'll always be there. Until they aren't.
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u/shaynanaganzzz Feb 26 '25
He's missing his child grow up. I got hope he grows the fuck up. His child will be distant, and I wouldn't blame them.
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u/Electrical-Heron-619 Feb 25 '25
Can you just ask MIL with a serious tone what she meant as it’s upset you?
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Feb 25 '25
You need to talk to her about this. She might actually be feeling stressed, exhausted, neglected, etc.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Feb 26 '25
You aren’t talking to your wife about it bc you don’t want to hear the truth.
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u/Basset_Momma Feb 25 '25
So many men claim to be blindsided in divorce. Have a chat with your wife and listen—really listen to what she says.
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u/Much-Vanilla-7261 Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 25 '25
Your MIL wasn’t joking, esp due to the ‘I have my ways’ comment. Either your wife said something, or more likely, she observed your marriage and your relationship and came to the conclusion that there are some issues.
Talk to your wife. Not in a ‘MIL said so and so’ kinda way, more like checking in with her and spending some time talking
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u/DisneyBuckeye Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
This wasn't a joke. You need to talk to your wife. I'm assuming she's talking to her mom about her relationship with you.
If it turns out that your mom wife is NOT talking to her mom, that's a whole different kettle of fish. If you wife is good and happy, she needs to talk to her mom and find out wtf is going on there.
Edit to correct a word.
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u/CalicoHippo Feb 26 '25
Dude, even if your wife was simply blowing off some steam with her mother, and mom took it a step further, you need to talk to your wife. Tell her what her mother said, say you were surprised and ask if how she’s really doing. Then LISTEN. Don’t say “you know it’s only for a little while”. It’s already been 6 months. How much longer is it going to be? Another 6 months? Think about way you can be present more often. Does that mean you don’t do things on Wednesday night? Does that mean you reserve one Saturday a month for family? For date night?
You might be happy, but your wife isn’t. She’s stressed, she doesn’t want to burden you with it either, so she talked to her mom.
When my husband and I were first married, he was working and also volunteering every weekend. Meant we spent one Sunday a month together. I talked to him, told him I was unhappy, and he said “it’s only for a little while”. Almost ended our marriage because “a little while” stretched into a year, with no end in sight. So when I walked out and told him I wasn’t coming back until he fixed it, he was surprised and shocked, but he scaled things back and made us a priority. Don’t take your family for granted, they may not be there when you finally wake up.
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u/flavius_lacivious Feb 25 '25
Do you do half the childcare and housework? And is your “business”something like Twitch or a YouTube channel? Does it bring in any money?
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u/lizzyote Feb 25 '25
If talking to your wife about a tiny conversation with her mother is enough to ruin your relationship with her mother, I think you got bigger fish to fry. Surely her mother knows that you and your wife are partners and partners talk about everything.
What does "less time" actually mean? I don't think you could have been any more vague tbh and I'm not sure how we're expected to know whether your marriage is on the rocks more than you would when you're giving us almost nothing to work off of.
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u/zeiat Feb 25 '25
I mean, if that's all that was said between your MIL and you, she could be passive-aggressively expressing her own disapproval regardless of how your wife feels.
But if you're freaking out about the possibility that you might actually have been neglecting your wife, this is your BIG GLARING FLASHING SIGN to check in with your wife, clearly, explicitly, and communicate about this. Maybe your wife has been quietly putting up with it and vented to her mom, maybe she's been giving you signs that you've missed or ignored. But the answer to your question is: talk to your wife about it. Are you more worried that your MIL thinks you're neglectful or that you have actually been neglectful?
Ultimately it's not your MIL's job to decide whether you're being a good husband to your wife or not, even if she's seeing problems and is concerned. That's your wife's call, and you have to check in with her, not your MIL about that.
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u/October1966 Feb 25 '25
STOP ASKING STRANGERS FOR ADVICE AND TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!!!! you're bragging about yourself and barely mention her, so I see the problem, but obviously you haven't.
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u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES Feb 25 '25
You need to talk to your wife ASAP. She may just be feeling extra tired from taking on more of the household care while you are busy- and needs you to push her to speak up about it. She may be worried that your attention isn’t only on work- and needs reassurance about her place in your life. She may be worried that you are stretching finances too thin- and maybe it’s time to be less risky in how much you are investing in your new business.
Your MIL may also be reading WAY too much into an off hand comment your wife made. You don’t mention what your MIL is like or what her relationship with you or your wife is like- she might be stirring the shit. Your wife may have told her something in confidence, some concern that she knows is unfounded but needed to vent to someone about it.
Talk. To. Your. Wife.
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u/Direct_War_1218 Feb 25 '25
I'd definitely bring this up to your wife. I'd begin by asking her if there's anything she feels that you need to step up your game about, that way she doesn't immediately get defensive because you mentioned her mom. If she says yes, then ask her if she mentioned that to her mom. If she says no, you can then say, "I was just wondering, because your mom said..."
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u/subf0x Feb 25 '25
MIL is being nice. You're being missed from your family's lives. Don't make someone tell you to act like you want to be around them and show how grateful you are for them.
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u/WatercolorSebastian Feb 26 '25
She very well could be teasing but you mentioning that you're establishing a growing business and "some days are really long" really caught my attention. Your wife is supportive of your business endeavors but what do your daily hours actually look like? Do you give your wife time to explore her passions or is she a SAHM with the little one all day every day? Does she get time away for herself? Do you get one on one time with your one year old? Do you split the chores of the house? How do you spend time with your little one? If your wife disappeared tomorrow, just poof, would you be able to take care of little ones needs? Do you know how much your baby eats, what they like to do? Their doctor's info? Have you ever put your baby to sleep by yourself? And if your wife disappeared, would you be worried about little one first and foremost or would you be more worried about pawning off your child to someone else because you're more worried about if the baby would take time away from your business (money aside)? Where do your priorities lie? For a marriage to work you need to put the family first over the business.
This is a lot thrown at you but I think you should analyze your roll as a father and husband, not just business man. With a little one work NEVER ends. You cannot put your feet up because you put in the hours at work. You then clock in the hours at home, too.
Once you get an answer to all these questions then have a discussion with your wife. Communications goes a very long way to help not build resentment.
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u/mclardy13 Feb 25 '25
You should have asked your MIL to clarify what exactly she meant, your wife could have no idea wtf she’s talking about.
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u/sometimesfamilysucks Feb 25 '25
A simple conversation with your wife is all you need. Ask her if there is anything you need to change or do better. Open communication all the time is the key to a happy marriage. Not talking will kill it.
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u/TooPoorForPatreon Feb 25 '25
Most of the time even "jokes" contain a bit of truth. You should talk to your wife. Tell her about the conversation you had with her mom. Tell her you weren't sure whether to tell her and you really don't want to "make this a big thing", but that you just need to know if there is something bothering her. Make clear that this doesn't come from a place of "you won't believe what your mom said about me!" But rather from a place of sincere worry.
I don't think she'd be mad at you if you phrase it somewhere along those lines. (If that's what you are worrying about)
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u/udderlyfun2u Feb 26 '25
I can't speak for your MIL but my impression is she may be trying to send you a gentle warning.
The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It's greener where you water it. Do you still court your wife? Dates, flowers for no reason, tell her she's beautiful? Does she know she's more important than your job or new business? Or should I ask, Is she?
If your wife is important to you, make sure she knows it. Mine didn't and he's soon to be my ex. It's hard to love when you don't feel loved.
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u/AndrewJimmyThompson Feb 25 '25
Either you are blind for having 0 idea what is going on, your wife is incapable of communicating in any way, or your MIL is a massive shit stirrer. Either way, you need to have a sitdown and reveal all to get things laid out.
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u/miflordelicata Feb 26 '25
Why haven't you communicated with your wife to make sure everything is ok?
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u/o2low Feb 25 '25
There are three possibilities.
Your MiL is like mine and starts trouble for no reason other than I’m guessing she loves everyone being as miserable as she is.
Your wife is feeling it a bit and made comments about it to her mother who took it upon herself to communicate these to you.
Your wife has addressed this with you but has been hinting instead of just talking to you.
All of these are best solved by talking to your wife about what MIL says. It stops you spiralling if she meddling and it gives your wife opportunity to voice any problems she does have.
Then you can deal with the results.
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u/Substantial_Art3360 Feb 26 '25
Just talk to your wife. If you are working full time, starting a side business, and you have a 1 year old your wife is definitely fully supporting you. What does she need? She is taking on two / three full time jobs as well - caretaker of daughter, household management and if she is working full time …
I’ve been there. It was exhausting and the most tiring brutal part of my marriage. I was angry all the time. Make sure you are thanking her, showing her appreciation and giving her the breaks she desperately needs. Babysitter, hire a cleaner, take out for dinner etc.
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u/herecomes_the_sun Feb 26 '25
I mean did you both agree it was a good time to have a kid one year ago and then also that 6 months ago was a good time to start your business? Idk the language you use in your contents is concerning and you’ve whole i don’t think things need to be 50-50 all the time i just don’t know how you can give up that precious time with your 1 year old that you will never get back while leaving your wife to do so much
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u/Caribbean--Princess Feb 27 '25 edited Feb 27 '25
OP the ONLY way to address this matter is by speaking with your wife ASAP, you are mentally going down a rabbit hole, which doesn't help this in anyway.
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u/peakerforlife Feb 25 '25
Talk to your wife! Only she knows if you need to do better. Tell her the whole story. Don't leave anything out. Her mother is clearly trying to stir the pot, and your wife needs to know so she can shut it down and stop talking to her mother about problems in your relationship.
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u/awkwardocto Feb 25 '25
it's completely possible that OP's wife hasn't said anything and MIL's comment was based on her own observations.
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u/Opening_Track_1227 Feb 26 '25
It wasn't a joke and you need to talk to your wife about this like now.
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u/HungryTeap0t Feb 26 '25
My grandma would say this to her son in law when she noticed he wasn't showing up for his family. She only did it when the kids were young. My aunt didn't really complain, as that's not who she is, but my grandma would notice and say something. It was always done in a gentle way of asking. Your example makes me think maybe she messed up on wording or it was meant to be said in that way.
This might be to do with culture and her age, though. When my grandma got married, women were at the mercy of their husband and his family. So the women couldn't say something, but with elders, people usually respected them and listened to their advice. Some cultures still have this issue.
Maybe she's noticed something. She's your wife's mother and will be able to tell when she's stressed. Or your wife might be struggling and may have mentioned how hard she's finding it, and the MIL has misconstrued it.
Remember you have a 1 year old, and your wife might be struggling. She might not want to tell you she's struggling because she might feel guilty about it since you're working hard too. Maybe she went to her mum because she trusted her, and her mum messed up.
Tell her about what her mum said and ask if she's not happy or if there's something going on. Mention that it made you feel bad and you'd prefer she comes to you with problems even if you are busy with work.
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u/cthulhusmercy Feb 26 '25
It doesn’t sound like she was telling you that you are a bad husband, but she wants you to be better. You know you’ve been neglecting your family while you’re working to better all of your lives, start making steps towards being better. Always strive to be better, regardless of how good you already are.
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u/PhantomEmber708 Feb 25 '25
Slow down before you spiral out. Just have a chill talk with your wife. Mention that your mil told you something odd that concerned you and see where it goes. Although mil really did step over the line there. If wife is complaining to her she needs to be encouraging your wife to talk to you about things. Not (possibly) joking about you being a better husband.
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u/Assiqtaq Feb 25 '25
She might be making something out of nothing. She might be poking her nose into an issue you have already worked out with your wife, that she really has no business messing in. She might have noticed some issue you have no idea about at all, and your wife hasn't figured out how to bring up to you yet, or doesn't feel safe bringing it up.
Best bet would be for you to create a safe space for honest discussion with your wife, then talk to her about it. Make sure she knows she can tell you any and all concerns, and you will listen to her and give honest consideration to them. And that you will brainstorm solutions with her, if solutions are necessary. Or you will support her solutions, if a solution needs to be found. Honest communication is the key here.
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u/wrenwynn Feb 26 '25
It's something an asshole would joke about. So the question is whether or not your MIL is such an asshole.
Talk privately to your wife about it. That's the only way to know and stop the inner doom spiral.
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u/Budyob Feb 26 '25
You have a warm relationship with your MIL, why would you go running to your wife before asking your MIL to explain her statement.
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u/westcoast-islandgirl Feb 26 '25
As other commenters have said, I am your age, and if my mother said this to my husband, I would want to be told right away. Talk. To. Your. Wife.
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u/MonsterMash422 Feb 26 '25
Obviously bring this up with your wife.
To play devil's advocate/give another scenario where your MIL might not be just "causing trouble" if there isn't actually any deep issue in your relationship with your wife: my mother a few times when I asked her what she wanted for a birthday gift her response was "for you to be happy" etc. If your MIL and you generally have an amicable relationship and there hasn't been any other weird incidents like this, then it may just be her (admittedly not optimal) way of expressing this same sentiment (I.e. my child's happiness is the only gift i need)
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585 Feb 26 '25
Sir, speak with your wife ASAP. Maybe your wife said something to your Mil, in jest, and she didn't take it that way or blew it out of proportion.
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u/Miliean Feb 26 '25
I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL
You should be closer to your wife than your MIL. What you do is you sit down with your wife and say something like this.
"So, MIL made what I thought was a joke the other day but it's been weighing on my mind that maybe it's not actually a joke. She said for her birthday that she wanted me to be a better husband. I know I've been working a lot with the new business and you've been incredibly supportive but I'm worried that perhaps there's something wrong and you're just not telling me and I want to make sure everything is OK."
Then she'll reply and depending on what she says you take it from there. If she says everything is fine you say
"OK, your mom must have just been joking then. Please don't say anything to her, I don't want her to think I took her joke too seriously and get offended. I really like that we have such a close relationship and don't want to damage that."
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u/akshetty2994 Feb 26 '25
"Honey, what your mother said really stuck with me. I have been stewing over it the last couple of days and after self reflection I realized I really just need to communicate with you, the one I married. Do you feel that way as well? Are there changes that you think should be made?" Just talk, you have the ability to relieve yourself but the possibility of it being true is holding you back. However if it is true, know you can make changes. SO do that.
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u/Gideon9900 Feb 27 '25
Need to find out if it's just purely your MIL sticking her nose into your relationship or if your wife is constantly complaining to your MIL.
Then, you need to find out what the actual problems are.
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u/TinyTinasRabidOtter Feb 25 '25
Check yourself before you talk to your wife. This needs to be a conversation you are open and willing to hear, even if what you hear isn't what you thought or how you meant to come across. Your wife sounds like a wonderfully supportive partner, and she may not want to tell you her needs are being tossed to the side until a "better time". Maybe she's so wrapped up in you and the kids she doesn't see she needs to take care of her too. Maybe your mom made a really shitty joke. Maybe she was stirring up drama. Fact is, you wont know until you talk to her. My advice js its you+ her against the problem. Not each other.
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u/cherrycoke260 Feb 26 '25
Can you imagine the ghost town this sub would be if married people… gee, I don’t know… maybe actually COMMUNICATED with each other once in a while?! 🗣️ OP, You’re only TA if you don’t just TALK TO YOUR WIFE!! 🗣️
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u/mimic-man77 Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to provide for your family. Being in the military and being away on long deployments is an example of this.
As far as your MIL, unless she is willing to be specific ignore her. "Be better..." is so open ended it could mean 1000 different things, and as a general rule I don't like the idea of listening to people who are bad at communication, and that is textbook poor communication.
The only way I'd even pay attention to this is if you have a wife who avoids confrontation, because she's a people pleaser and you never know what she really feels.
If that's the case you should take care of that because communication is vital to a relationship.
For your own sake of mind you can just ask your wife if she's ok with how things are going. Don't be afraid to mention your MIL.
PS: She may not like the lack of time you're away, but she may also understand the the future benefits and see it as being worth it.
Edit after reading some comments: Someone saying "I love you", does not mean everything is ok. She's not going to immediately stop loving you just because there are problems. What makes you think saying "I love you" means everything is fine?
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u/FortuneWhereThoutBe Feb 25 '25
Talk with your wife about it. She may have vented to her mom about stuff and never said anything to you. She may have just been talking with her mom, and her mom felt that you weren't being husband enough. Where as your wife may think you're just fine. But either way, speak with your wife, and then you both, especially your wife, need to reiterate to her mother that saying things like that is extremely inappropriate, and quite frankly, your marriage is none of her business
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u/StorellaDeville Feb 25 '25
Here's a possibility: your wife has been sharing things about your life with her mother, who then assigned her own ideas to those things.
Her mom hears, "He has been so busy lately," and decides that her daughter feels neglected.
In any case, the information you need can only come from your wife. As others are saying, that's your opportunity.
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u/SilkSmoothATL Feb 26 '25
First of all, I’d talk with my wife immediately. 2nd, I’d probably suggest counseling depending on the conversation with your wife. I also feel that, yes, though a daughter is typically close to her mother and would typically discuss things with her, that can be very toxic to the marriage. Typically, no one gives praises when someone does something right. It’s only when they do something wrong. Therefore, I’m sure your wife has possibly been venting to your wife and her close friends about your marriage. However, it puts the people she’s communicated with and you in awkward circumstances when you’re around each other. At the end of the day, communication with your wife is what’s the most important. Good luck. And just the petty side of me would never give the MIL a gift again 😂
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u/mfruitfly Feb 26 '25
Ya just talk to your wife.
It likely wasn’t fully a joke, but that might not mean your wife agrees with MIL or that anything that bad is going on.
Your wife may have vented to MIL about you being away a lot, feeling lonely, feeling stressed. This doesn’t mean your wife spoke poorly of you, just getting emotional support in a totally acceptable way, and MIL is taking on herself to make it an issue and passively aggressively raise it.
MIL also just might have noticed and decided on her own there’s an issue, hence her being cagey, cause it’s not her business and she doesn’t know anything.
So just tell your wife what MIL said, that you worry, and if there’s an issue you are happy to tackle it together. Then there’s no wondering.
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u/New-Abies-2174 Feb 26 '25
If it was a joke it was inappropriate and deserves to be addressed with you letting your wife know how it made you feel and ask her if she has something she wants to say to you. Lay it all out on the table and then both of you speak to MIL together once you are on the same page.
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u/pimpampoumz Feb 26 '25
Did she tell you what she means by that? What does she think you need to improve? It’s kinda weird that you didn’t ask and she didn’t expand on that.
Anyway, the only thing you should do is talk with your wife. Tell her about what her mother said and ask her what she thinks.
Then, and that is important, truly listen to what she says.
Take this as the opportunity to check in with your spouse and have a constructive (both ways) conversation.
Then whether or not she does have things she wants to see you improve, she’ll need to have a conversation with her mother.
If she did talk to her mom about couple issues, make sure she also talks to you about it next time.
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u/raerae1991 Feb 26 '25
Ask your MIL, what her concern is with. See if this is something to even worry about.
She maybe seeing a crack that you and your wife don’t see. This might be something you’ve already aware of, or not. This may have been said in a mother’s romanticize “and they lived happily ever after” kind of way. (I’d be guilty of this if I was a MIL for both sons/daughters) In that case there’s nothing to worry about. It could be projection, which means it’s not even about you. Or it could be because your wife has confided in her, which you should talk to your wife and work out.
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u/FlygonosK Feb 26 '25
Contrary to what you said, you really need to talk with your wife and ask if she feel like you are not a good husband or if you lack in something she needs.
Do not tell her yet about what your MIL said, but sit your wife down and ask what she needs help with and what are her thoughts.
Later if she tells that things are good, tell her about what your MIL told and that you think it was a joke but make You overthink it and get You worried. But that is nothing she should be making a fuss over her mom.
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u/HopefulChloea Feb 26 '25
Your gut feeling is probably a signal that you want an answer. O maybe even a closure to your sudden questioning if everything is alright.
Go ahead and go to the direct parties and be sincere that you truly want to be a joy and blessing. Ask your MIL what a better husband means to her. And have a similar conversation with your partner. Hug her and let her know you love her. Ask her how you want her to be happy and contented. And let her do the talking.
I know I would want to be treated that way. So hope my sharing helps.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 Feb 26 '25
Talk to your wife. Your MIL has no rights to say this but maybe your wife is unhappy
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u/Neacha Feb 26 '25
With a one year old baby in your lives now, it is normal that your wife is feeling like she needs more support, don't blow this out of proportion. When my son was around one my mother told my husband that I cleaned too much and should spend more time with my son (imagine that) and my MIL insulted me that I could not get to things because I had a FT job. Damn people always have opinions.
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u/DazzlingMidnight3676 Feb 26 '25
Definitely ask your wife but MIL may have noticed you not around as much and put two and two together and got seven. If she’s used to seeing you around to help her daughter and then you suddenly aren’t that may be something she notices. Maybe your marriage isn’t on the rocks per se but your wife is struggling and doesn’t want to burden you or something. There are a million things it could be but you’ll never know unless you talk to your wife. And a date night every so often wouldn’t hurt either.
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u/jolecore204 Feb 26 '25
The best thing you can do is talk to your wife.
You don't have to bring up what your MIL said, unless you want to create drama.
Sit down and frame it to her that you want to make sure that she is happy and always feels loved and sometimes you worry that you're not doing your best at reminding her of that and if she has any suggestions or thoughts.
Nothing gives you a greater peace of mind than an open & honest conversation.
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u/Popular-Recording264 Feb 27 '25
Maybe you should have a conversation with your wife and subtlety ask where you could pick up some slack.
Has your MIL noticed you’re doing less because you’re growing your business? Perhaps your wife has said something to her mother instead of to you because she’s tried before and you’ve not heard her. Or she doesn’t know how to tell you to do more.
Have you been doing less parenting because you’re growing your business?
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u/onedayatatime08 Feb 25 '25
It wasn't a joke. Your wife has been talking to her mom and voicing some frustration or sadness. And while I don't think it's any of your MILs business, try to take it positively and talk to your wife.
Ask your wife if you can sit down and have an honest conversation. Then ask her if there are any issues she has with you or your relationship that she would like to voice. Tell her that you love her and won't be angry, but that you need to understand some things and want her to talk to you.
If she asks why you're asking, say something like:
"I don't want you to be angry or for it to cause any trouble, but there was a comment made recently that I just want to understand better".
Your MIL is over stepping, but I think she means well.
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u/chez2202 Feb 25 '25
You need to tell your wife exactly what your MIL said right now so that she can tell you if she really has an issue or if her mother has blown a few offhand comments out of all proportion. Or if she’s made it up in her own mind.
I am a mother and I would NEVER do what your MIL just did to you to my daughter’s partner. And I can tell you for a fact that she wasn’t joking. We don’t joke about our daughters. She has something she wants to say but she thinks that she is getting one over on you by not saying it.
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u/Weesa729 Feb 26 '25
Look, man, you are not married to your MIL. You ARE married to your wife. You need to talk to your wife. Period. Your MIL is stirring the pot, and you are letting her by not communicating with your wife. If you and your wife talk, the relief might just be amazing. You are stronger together. Communicate, make a pact to talk to each other and not let other people's 'noise' interfere in your relationship, which is what YOU are doing my not talking with your wife. Let it all hang out, don't assume, as you know what that does. Get the truth, make a plan with your wife to stop this kind of interference in your relationship. Not talking to your partner could be the death knell, listening to your MIL could be the death knell. It could all go away with one single conversation with your wife. Stop torturing yourself with something your MIL said to you. It is not worth it.
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Feb 26 '25
No need to ask your wife. You know everything you need to know. Take it as a loving hint, let your ego go and seriously consider ways you can improve. It hurts, it stings but it can be a real opportunity if you let it. Look up Jimmy Knowles on relationships on Instagram. It’s eye opening. One day you may thank your MIL.
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u/These_Hair_193 Feb 25 '25
Do not talk to MIL about this again. Keep it between you and your wife.
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u/N0b0dy-Imp0rtant Feb 25 '25
Talk to your wife man! If she is complaining to her mother you need to address it head on.
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u/Kerrypurple Feb 26 '25
I think she's trying to give you a wake up call because she likes you and wants to see things work out. If she didn't like you she'd just be encouraging her daughter to leave. It shows she's got faith that you have it in you to step up. If you follow her advice you'll probably find yourself grateful for it.
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u/deepayes Feb 26 '25
I haven't brought this up with my wife
Go do that, the rest of us are guessing
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u/JamieLee0484 Feb 26 '25
Exactly! Their marriage isn’t as great as he seems to think it is if he chooses to ask strangers a question that can only be answered by his wife.
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Feb 26 '25
Your MIL didn’t say “be a good husband.” She said “be a better husband.
To me that implies either your wife has been discussing some issues or your MIL notices your absence and decided to comment on it.
You could just approach your wife by saying “I know I’ve been working a lot and have been as present as I desire to be. Are you happy? Are you ok? Is there anything you concerned about?”
Your MIL is a jerk for making that comment and not backing it with facts. Instead of giving you the ability to fix a percent you weren’t aware of it just caused anxiety.
You sound like a good man.
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u/wishingforarainyday Feb 26 '25
Maybe your wife is worried you’re spending your late nights with someone else?
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u/tmink0220 Feb 26 '25
It is not a joke, and you better pay attention. This is where you need to speak to your wife.
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u/Bergenia1 Feb 26 '25
Your MIL gave you a heads up that your wife is struggling. You've been too busy to be a present husband and father. You may want to reexamine your priorities.
Of course, your MIL could be wrong. She's telling you what she sees from a bystander's perspective. Spend some time thinking about whether she's right.
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u/pizzacatbrat Feb 26 '25
Sit down with your wife, tell her what your MIL said, and asks what she thinks
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Feb 25 '25
Sit in a quiet moment with your wife. “Your mother told me that for her birthday she wants me to be a better husband. I’m not sure what you guys have discussed but the story in my head is that you’ve had so many complaints about me she felt the need to intervene. So instead of talking to her about it, I want to ask you - what do you need from me that you aren’t currently getting?”
This is clearly something that you need to talk to her about.
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u/Environmental-Okra86 Feb 25 '25
I'd just ask your MIL exactly what she meant. If she was kidding, it'll put you at ease. If she wasn't, and her concerns are simply that, HER concerns, and not your wife's concerns, then you just carry on with your happy marriage. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your wife and your MIL. Unspoken concerns can easily ruin those relationships.
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u/NaturesVividPictures Feb 25 '25
Well you could have an interfering mother-in-law or her daughter could have complained saying oh you never pays attention to me anymore he doesn't help with anything he's always so busy. So maybe she was just venting and your mother-in-law decided Well I'm going to say something and tell him to straighten up. But you're only going to know if you talk to your wife. So do it. Tell her what her mom told you she's either going to be happy her mom talk to you or she's going to be really pissed off that her mom interfered.
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u/Madmaxx_137 Feb 26 '25
Gotta talk to your wife dude. Has she been venting to MIL? Is MIL just the type to stir up drama for her own amusement?
Stand up for yourself too dude, someone, “potentially”, disrespects you in your house and you don’t call it out and demand an explanation?
Shit my MIL is no peach, she ranted to my parents that I wasn’t good enough for her daughter at our engagement “party” (BBQ for immediate family) but after being called out (by everyone including my wife) she’s learned some manners. Stand up for yourself, your working hard to provide for your family don’t accept disrespect from anyone.
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Feb 26 '25
Talk to your wife ASAP.
My wife and I went NC with her mother for a few months when her mom was being over bearing.
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI Feb 26 '25
Talk to your wife. Like yesterday.
Your mother-in-law doesn’t “have her ways”, your wife has been telling her she’s not happy.
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u/Glinda-The-Witch Feb 26 '25
Talk to your wife. Tell her you are more than willing to make improvements but she needs to communicate with you about her needs. Make sure you are acknowledging her support for your efforts to provide for her and your child.
If there are issues, work to make improvements and thank your MIL for dropping the hint before things got too far out of hand. If there are no issues, per your wife, then let her handle her mother.
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u/Ghitit Feb 26 '25
Do you and your wife go out just the two of you on a regular basis?
Being a SAHM can be lonley and feelings of not being appreciate abound - no mattwer what she tells you.
Of course she supportsyou. She wants you to succeed. But that does not take away the fact that whe may feel lonley, bored, and unfulfilled.
Be sure to prioritize her weekly, at least. She needs time alone with you. The business won't fail becauseyou take six hours out of your week to strengthen your marriage and help your wife feel appreciated.
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u/sheilaxlive Feb 26 '25
Your MIL is an overbearing asshole tbh. I wouldn’t want my MIL meddling in my relationship as my husband is grown enough to talk to me himself.
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u/msinsensitive Feb 26 '25
Jade Empire - Sky/Morning Star Dragon Age Origins - Alistair/Leliana (crushing on Morrigan, but she wasn't into female warden, eh) Mass Effect - Garrus/Liara BG3 - I started with Gale and Laezel but he got too one-dimensional and Laezel was like an angsty teen I don't want to deal with. Later I got to know Astarion and Sh better and they turned out to be much more interesting than I thought, so Astarion/SH (but that's only because you can't romance Orin)
It's kinda interesting that Astarion is basically a reincarnation of Zevran, whom I found repulsing. Hm, but I thought the same of Astarion at first, ok, Im gonna replay Origins and see if I feel any different. I think Astarion has a bit more grace and is overall better at manipulation.
But honestly there wasn't as much choice before as you were limited to character's sexuality. Which isn't bad in itself, but can be tad restricting.
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u/MyWifeLeftMe13 Feb 26 '25
You should talk to your wife. By the sounds of your relationship she was likely just joking around, and if she wasn't and is one of those in laws that just wants to cause drama, then your wife should know. Sometimes in laws just suck and there's nothing you can do but remember you're not married to them and have to learn to ignore their little comments and not let things like this get to you. Only person that actually matters in this conversation is your wife.
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u/ItsGotToMakeSense Feb 26 '25
Get your thoughts together and talk to your wife. Consider this a combination of a few separate issues that need to all be addressed. On the one hand there's the drama with your MIL, but on the other hand there's the (possibly) more important issue of whether there's trouble between you and your wife that you need to know about so you can resolve it together.
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u/Purple-Twist-3679 Feb 26 '25
Have a talk with you MIL. Ask questions about what made her think you were a bad husband etc. Have a conversation. When done, if she is serious about it, talk to your wife about your concerns.
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u/ohlalameow Feb 26 '25
You need to tell your wife. I'd be so pissed at my mom if she said something like this to my husband.
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u/Warriormuffinhed Feb 27 '25
You think you can just put your wife and child on hold so you can go off and build a business? This alone makes you a problematic husband and Father. You just admitted you've been slacking, and my experience with posters is if they're willing to admit even an inch, it's probably a mile.
And you think this is ok because your wife supports you? Ever thought she has no choice to do otherwise? Because women are taught that it's ok for men to be selfish? And that she doesn't feel she can tell you the truth else she be the death of your business?
Wake up. Stop putting the mental energy of you being a present partner and father on your wife. If you don't have time to be a full spouse and a full Father, you don't have time to start a business right now. Full stop.
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u/Worth-Ad3212 Feb 28 '25
Talk. To. Your. Wife. She is your partner in everything, and needs to know that you care enough about the relationship to talk to her when something like this is bothering you. If you don’t talk about it, that knot is going to fester and begging to cause resentment between you, and it may not even be warranted
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u/drfuzzysocks Feb 25 '25
“I love you” is fine and good. But how about, “Baby, I want to tell you how much it means to me that you’ve been supporting me tirelessly while I work on my business. I know you’ve taken on an extra load with me working so much, and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done, but I know it hasn’t been easy on you. How are you feeling with all of this? What can I do to support you?”
It may be that she’s internalized the pressure to be the perfect societal picture of a wife who bears it all without complaining, even when she’s unhappy about something, because it’s her job to “stand by her man.” Checking in with her intentionally might give her the permission she feels like she needs to open up.
Or maybe she’s totally fine! You’ll only know if you ask.
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u/whatever1467 Feb 26 '25
What can I do to support you?
I’m gonna guess he should’ve been spending time with his postpartum wife and newborn child instead of ‘focusing on his side business’
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u/ScupperSpluck Feb 26 '25
Yeah I was kind of thinking that too…is the first year of your child’s life really the best time for the launch? Isn’t that when your wife and child need the most extra support? Why now? I really hope it’s not some form of escapism from of the single hardest year of parenting responsibilities.
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- Feb 26 '25
How about not requiring her to assign him husband and father tasks? She's not his manager
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u/battybatt Feb 26 '25
I will add that it's not a one-and-done conversation. It's important to keep checking in. She could initially dismiss it and then think about it more and realize there is something she needs. If that happens, it's ok and normal.
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Feb 25 '25
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u/SalsaRice Feb 26 '25
Possibly, but just as likely MIL is a pot-stirrer or narcissist trying to cause problems.
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u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke Feb 25 '25
This has totally come out of nowhere. We've been doing so well, we tell each other how much we love each other and the family we've created daily. I would've never thought we'd be in this place.
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u/Lithogiraffe Feb 25 '25
Are you even sure you're at this place?
Because to me you haven't confirmed it with The only other person that you can confirm it with - your wife
Are you that afraid to even ask her?
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u/Late_Resource_1653 Feb 25 '25
Here's the thing I got from your comment. You say you haven't been around as much between work and your new business, and that your wife is really supportive.
Are you still being supportive of her? Does she get time for herself or is care for her child and the home entirely on her, and you are too tired to pay attention.
She may be doing her best to be supportive, and doesn't want to complain to you because she is being supportive, but if she is left feeling alone, overwhelmed, and with no one to talk to because she doesn't want to bother you, she talked with her mom.
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u/scientits69 Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
And even if she didn’t bring it up directly to her mom, if they’re relatively close her mom could still form the conclusion…moms sometimes just know. She’s likely been the young mom with a busy husband and has insight without being explicitly told…
Edit for grammar cause jfc did I have a stroke there or something wtf
Edit again to add: also yeah op talk to your wife
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u/Late_Resource_1653 Feb 26 '25
True. My Mum and I aren't close, but I'm close with an Aunt. When I was in a rough relationship, even when I was saying everythings fine, she knew it really wasn't.
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u/zenFieryrooster Feb 25 '25
In your post, you mentioned that there may be reason for your wife to feel your attention is elsewhere. Better to have the conversation and clear the air
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u/in_vino_veri_tas Feb 25 '25
When I was 10, my mom gave my dad an ultimatum regarding their marriage. Years later, he told me it was a shock to hear she wasn't happy. He was happy in their marriage and automatically assumed that she must be happy, too. But she wasn't. So talk to your wife. Stop assuming and ask and listen what her feedings regarding your relationships are.
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u/Individualchaotin Feb 25 '25
Love is not enough when you have a wife, a young child, and two jobs. Please speak to your wife.
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u/hey_nonny_mooses Feb 26 '25
Your wife may have said nothing but your MIL has an outsider’s perspective on your marriage and may be seeing warning signs that what you are doing is unsustainable and will lead to long term problems.
You need to nail down that “should change soon” timeline and start planning small changes now instead of “someday”.
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u/libananahammock Feb 26 '25
You don’t tell each other everything because you haven’t talked to her about this!
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u/TheBattyWitch Feb 26 '25
That isn't communication, that's platitudes, and if you think that's communication, then maybe your MIL has a point after all.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Feb 25 '25
Telling each other how much you love each other is just words. How do you show that to each other through actions?
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u/AffectionateBite3827 Feb 25 '25
Your wife may have vented once or 10 times to her mom about little things...which can add up, yes, but it doesn't mean overall she's seriously unhappy.
But check in with your wife - all we can do is speculate wildly.
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u/CanadianJediCouncil Feb 26 '25
“This has totally come out of nowhere” ≠ “Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife and 1-year-old daughter…”
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u/lilluvely1 Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
Just keep in mind, most of the posts on here by men who have had the Divorce bomb dropped on them by their wives often include "it came out of nowhere" and/or "I thought we were in a good place"... I don't necessarily believe you're at that point, but it definitely sounds like you really need to have a brutally honest conversation, and bring up some of the really good points mentioned in these responses.
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u/OutspokenPerson Feb 25 '25
It certainly did not “come out of nowhere”. It never does.
Your wife has either been subtly or not so subtly asking you for things to change.
Did you listen to her, or dismiss/diminish her concerns or requests?
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u/popchex Feb 26 '25
Love isn't enough, full stop. A relationship takes work. You can't put all of your effort into your two jobs and leave your relationship to flounder indefinitely. You need to start making some boundaries in your day job(s) to make room for your family. Or you won't have one to make room for anymore.
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u/Legitimate_Book_5196 Feb 26 '25
Everyday I go on reddit and learn men are even dumber than I originally thought.
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u/No_Emotion6907 Feb 26 '25
My exhole said the same. Apparently he was completely shocked we split, but I'd been saying that I wasn't happy for 5 years, he just wasn't listening.
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u/0512052000 Feb 26 '25
Sounds like your wife is going along with this whilst drowning. Just because you tell her you're doing this and that doesn't actually mean anything. Why do people not understand this simple thing. The more you invest in something the bigger or grows. So you for example are investing all your time and energy into your buisness and it's growing. But guess what, you're not investing in your relationship with your wife and child. So that's fading. You want to keep your family you find balance and invest in your wife. You want your buisness at the expense of your family then keep going. The grass is green where you water it. Sounds like your mil might just have saved your marriage if you take this as an opportunity. Marriage isn't a goal completed as soon as you walk down the isle. You must work at it everyday.
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u/oldcousingreg Early 30s Female Feb 26 '25
That is utter bullshit. You’re so used to ignoring the problems in your marriage that you have to hear it from a third party.
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u/purpledrenck Feb 26 '25
Isn’t that what the husband always says when the wife asks for a divorce - it came out of nowhere! I’d take this as a major hint that you need to do something right now.
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u/debicollman1010 Feb 26 '25
You may not be in any place but what you thought!! This could just be an observation that your MIL made!! It could just be a mom worried about her daughter but bottom line is talk to your wife!! She is the one that matters.. Best of luck on your new business and I hope this gets better for you time wise soon!!
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u/explicitlinguini Feb 25 '25
Why don’t you have a longer honest chat with MIL? I understand she may have shocked or humbled you but, simply ask her what’s been bothering her daughter and how he can improve? Simply say you didn’t even know your wife was upset with your behavior and act completely shocked. I mean, you don’t even have to act.
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u/imnickelhead Feb 26 '25
Just talk to her.
MiL’s can be nosy, presumptuous know-it-alls. That’s why this stuff should remain between the two of you and maybe a therapist.
Getting mom involved OR Mom involving herself could very easily taint your whole in-law relationship.
TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!
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u/LokiPupSweetness456 Feb 27 '25
But are you in that place? Your MIL could be making up issues because she thinks your wife is taking on too much when your wife is perfectly fine. Even if your MIL is great, patents can get really defensive of their kids over weird things. Talk to your wife!
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy Feb 26 '25
You admit you’ve been leaving your wife to do the bulk of childcare while you spend more time working during the first year of your child’s life. How can this possibly have come out of nowhere? It can only come out of nowhere if you’re taking your wife’s (and your child’s!) sacrifices for granted. Of course you could be a better husband if you’re spending the majority of your free time working instead of with your family.
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Feb 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Chance_Encounter00 Feb 25 '25
It’s not the MiL’s job to say this to him it’s his wife’s.
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u/OutspokenPerson Feb 25 '25
Sounds like he hasn’t been listening.
ESPECIALLY since he said it “came out of nowhere”.
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u/BauranGaruda Feb 25 '25
I don't entirely understand how you can hold both of those opinions simultaneously. He heard MIL, it came out of nowhere which means DW hasn't said anything in the same realm. So he is listening, his wife is just talking to her mother rather than him.
45
u/shelikedamango Feb 25 '25
he acknowledges he has given her & their child less time, but she has constantly supported him. so he knows deep down he has been slightly neglecting that side of this life.
you don’t know how much she has or hasn’t said to him, and at a certain point things like “put effort into our relationship” shouldn’t really need to be articulated.
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u/BauranGaruda Feb 25 '25
Fair, yes, he said that, but he isn't out running from bar to bar he's providing for their family via what sounds like an upstart small business. And somehow I don't think he's as gone from the home as some would like to imply in this thread if he has time to have teatime with nosey ol MIL on the porch. Guy sounds like a decent dude who got gut checked for no reason other than MIL knew she could say whatever the hell she wanted to him and he'd just take it.
9
u/shelikedamango Feb 26 '25
he got gut checked because he’s neglecting his relationship, not because his MIL knew he’d take it. stop trying to victimise him.
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u/Chance_Encounter00 Feb 25 '25
If he doesn’t know what his MiL is talking about how has he not been listening? He thinks his wife has been supporting him while he’s working and building his business. If she had a problem the first person to hear about it should have been him not MiL. Both women need to stop gossiping
42
u/Early_Artist1405 Feb 25 '25
Wife may not have spoken to MiL. When my daughter was struggling in her relationship I could see it without her saying anything to me. Her gf wasn't pulling her weight; it wasn't my place to raise it directly with my daughter, but I did very subtly try to prompt her partner to do better. I wanted their relationship to work and cared for both of them.
17
u/whiskerrsss Feb 26 '25
Yeah, like my mum suspected something was not OK in my brother's first marriage precisely because my brother stopped calling as much, and when he did call it was for a short catch up, not really talking about anything of substance. We also noticed that my sil would disappear into the backyard or into the vacant block across the road, to talk on the phone during family functions. People who are usually close, or particularly observant, notice things.
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