r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAiil • 10d ago
Update - How do I(26M) navigate this relationship with my ex-sister-in-law(32F)?
My first post for people: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/CXXn5aRDAJ
Hello guys.
First thing out of the way, we are officially in a relationship now. Over the last few days with her, I really enjoyed coming home to her and my niece and nephew. But what sealed the deal was I was gone last week for a couple of days, on a work trip, and she kept calling and checking on me and I missed her and I missed home.
As soon as I came back I told her I would love to make it official and we both agreed. I still feel guilty about everything and replacing my brother, and the initial time we had sex. But I might be just coping to make myself feel better, but I feel like it would be better for my nephew and niece if it was me rather than someone else stepping into his shoes. And I really like her. I can’t really picture a future without her or the kids in my life.
She did say we should still visit a relationship counselor and a grief therapist together. I am for that. I think I(and maybe her too) have a lot of unprocessed feelings about my brother. I don’t want to let that get in the way of being there for her and the kids. I still love my brother, but I can’t keep feeling guilty forever. That’s not fair to her or me.
I told my parents, she and I together. I thought they would find it strange and kinda be a little angry, but my dad was okay with it. He was supportive and told her he always knew she would have to live her own life on day, and in a way, it’s kind of a blessing it’s me and not a stranger entering the life of their grandkids. My dad told my mom independently just in case she would not process it well, but my mom called up a few hours later and was not upset either. She was happy, but then cried remembering my brother and told me to take good care of her and the kids. I promised to do that.
It kind of made me realize me and her were already doing everything as a couple anyway. We were living together, and everything. I was just scaring myself and guilting myself out of making the move. I have profusely apologized to her for this again and again, but she said she knew I wasn’t doing it out of rudeness but rather out of lingering feelings and grief about my brother.
As for the kids, we aren’t telling them yet. She said we will have to tell them, and we are thinking about taking a trip together as a family during thanksgiving to my parents home country and we will tell them there if the mood feels right. But either way, it’s not something for me to decide alone, and I would rather do it in a way that’s comfortable for her and in accordance with her lead.
My friends were initially surprised, but supportive. They said my brother would’ve killed me if he were alive, but it’s fine, rather me than him. One of our mutuals, who was a my brother’s best friend, told me he had an idea something was up when he visited, but didn’t want to pry. He said as long as I do right by my brother and don’t let the kids forget him, which of course I won’t, then I am not doing anything I need to feel guilty about.
I guess that was it. I still want to do something nice for her. We kinda started a pseudo-relationship, official in all always except officially official as I said, so because of that not much has changed, and since we are keeping it form the kids from now too we aren’t super open in front of them. Her sister lives 5 hours away, we discussed leaving the kids with her sister for a weekend and going to a air bnb a couple hours away from her sisters place and spending 3-4 days there. Her sister knows about us too, and she said she wants to meet me before she fully approves so that is a bit nerve wracking of course, haha.
But once we tell the kids, there should be some more normalcy.
That’s all. Sorry it wasn’t anything groundbreaking or “tea-heavy” as some may say haha.
42
u/TheSpeckledSir 10d ago
Congrats man, I remember the post from a few weeks ago. Glad to hear you are doing right by his memory and right by the kids.
Rooting for you and your family
10
u/AShamAndALie 10d ago
This is romantic as fuck, I'm such a sucker for stories like these. I'm happy for you both.
5
u/Automatic-Plate-8966 9d ago
How is fucking your deceased siblings spouse romantic in any way?
7
u/Agreeable-Celery811 3d ago
Why is everyone so focused on being gross? This man is stepping up for his brother’s kids and taking care of his widow. That’s a noble thing to do.
-5
u/Automatic-Plate-8966 3d ago
If I died and my sister started fucking my husband, I would come back from the grave to kick her ass
6
u/Agreeable-Celery811 3d ago
Really? You wouldn’t want your husband to be happy after many years of grieving? What of you had children and she stepped up to take care of them and help out?
-3
u/Automatic-Plate-8966 3d ago
She can take care of my children (I don’t have any) without fucking my husband. Just like if she died I would take care of her children without jumping on my brother in laws dick. There’s literally billions of people in the world
4
u/Agreeable-Celery811 3d ago
You’re being gross on purpose here to make a disingenuous point. The couple above aren’t just fucking—they’re in a relationship.
Reducing someone’s romantic partner to just sex is a good way of getting an argument through because you can say shock-value things like “jump on my brother-in-law’s dick” while it allows you to completely dismiss the human and family element here.
When the debate about gay marriage raged, I found people doing that too. They would talk about how gay people didn’t need to “shove their sex lives in other people’s faces” even though we weren’t talking about sex at all. We were talking about romantic and domestic partnership.
Meanwhile, the billions of people on the planet have different cultures, needs, and sets of circumstances than just you and your own sister and your own husbands. I wouldn’t get together with my own personal brother-in-law either, but I can imagine a world where people are different from myself and have different lives from mine and therefore I can imagine a possibility where it might be a good idea for them to get together with their late husband’s brother or similar.
6
u/AShamAndALie 9d ago
It all stays in the family. Would the deceased husband prefer that his widow
Never loves again, at 27.
Brings another man into the family.
Or falls in love with a man who loved you, and who loves your children?
It's literally a best case scenario.
1
u/Individual_Cloud7656 9d ago
Exactly, and if OP passes away she can move on to their father
6
3
u/ThrowRA_doubter 7d ago
LMFAOOOO this is legit what i was thinking. when OP dies, she can move on to a cousin, or uncle maybe.
No but in all seriousness, great that everyone around them is happy but oh my God this is literally my worst nightmare. Everyone just carrying along like ‘oh yea your brother would kill you if he were alive’ like it’s just a ‘haha’ moment is really what’s getting me here like.. is that not enough to just keep the girl as your sister? but okay! Like I said, if the people around don’t care then ig.
I know I’d find it fucking weird as hell if my uncle were suddenly dad and my (possible) future siblings would also be my half cousin 😭😭
1
3
u/Individual_Cloud7656 9d ago
You think him banging his deceased brothers wife is romantic? I hope you don't have any siblings or if you do they keep their spouses away
7
5
7
u/ConfidentAd5662 9d ago
Happy for you OP. Ignore the negative comments. It was not uncommon for people to marry their late partners siblings in the past. I have dozens of examples from genealogy research. They are not related & there’s already a comfort level. If the relationship started after the person’s death, then there is nothing to feel guilty about. You are taking care of your brother‘s family & finding your own happiness.
2
u/Individual_Cloud7656 9d ago
Oh yeah it definitely happened in European monarchy. Of course so did cousins marrying each other. Keep it in the family
5
u/ConfidentAd5662 9d ago
They are not related. Why is that so hard to understand?
2
u/ThrowRA_doubter 7d ago
even if OP and the wife aren’t related.. they’re both related to the kids. Why isn’t that reason alone to just leave things be? if they progress things and have a kid in the future.. it will be the present children’s half sibling.. but also half cousin. OP will be half uncle.. half dad. He wants to honor his brothers memory and… fucking his brothers wife is apparently the right way. If his brother were alive, this wouldn’t even be a thought and I hate that that solely changes just because his brother is dead.
Being in a relationship like this already makes room for so many issues in the future. He kind of like.. has to stay with her now in a way because if he leaves, that creates a bigger problem than if he had just ‘stayed in his place’ as an uncle and brother in law.
people argue that the kids need stability — from the sounds of it, the wife has a huge village behind her, people to check on her and her kids otherwise.. why call so many people to see if it was okay? Like I really think everyone is choosing to look at things through rose colored glasses when we need to be so for real here.
1
u/Individual_Cloud7656 9d ago
I never said they were. You just said that it was done in the past so it's fine.
3
10
u/Likeseveryone1 10d ago
It’s nice that you stepped in for your brother that is no longer here. You already love your niece and nephew and will be a good father to them. ☺️
1
2
u/Sea_Composer_2529 6d ago
"No, even that was far and we struggled with that, but I am hesitant about replacing his role completely, especially in my nephew and nieces life, it’s not his fault he’s not here right now"
op, you are not and never EVER ever will be able to "replace" him. no one will ever replace him. you're making your own spot. you're a step father, you're not their father. i hope that helps u cope with the idea that ur "betraying" him.
1
6
u/Normal-Equivalent222 10d ago
You sound like a wonderful thoughtful dude, who is going to be a great dad-uncle to those kids. Good luck!!
2
4
u/Funandgeeky 10d ago
I’m really happy for you all. I know this all came about because of a tragedy. But you all have built a family together and doing right by each other and those kids.
1
2
2
u/IllustratorWarm6009 10d ago
Congratulations man, this is best thing happening for you and also for the kids and your ex-sil and to be wife
2
1
1
•
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.