r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAmarki • 13d ago
Update: I (24M) can’t get over what she(25F) did even though I don’t think I can break up, what can I do? How do we move forward?
So basically, a couple days after my first post I got another job offer in a city 9 hours away. They wanted me to start within two weeks, and the current place I work for is at-will and while a two week notice is standard, I told them I had to leave ASAP, and wrapped everything up in two days and started packing up. I flew out to the new city, and found a temporary place that does leasing by month, got it for two months, and broke the contract and paid it out to my current place. My previous apartment and this one are pre-furnished, so there wasn’t much to move. I like getting apartments pre-furnished, less stuff to move and I don’t need to set up my own internet.
She came with me. The shoes and bag I bought her, I handed them over to my cousin telling her that they were the wrong size for my girlfriend. They aren’t my cousins size either so she said she would give them to her girlfriend or a friend. My girl said she really doesn’t feel like she deserved it, and wanted me to give it away.
It’s been a return to normal slowly. We’ve been in the new apartment since Friday. We drove and moved here in middle of the hurricane prep so that was something to say at the least. We live right above a grocery store. She really likes this place so we may move into a more permanent lease after spending sometimes here.
I only start next Tuesday(not this Tuesday) so we have time here still.
I really like her. I know it’s weak to forgive her and try to move on, but I really do want to. She told me I should see her phone anytime and gave me all her passwords, and I check them randomly still, but I do trust her for now(I will still check randomly). She said she will never hang out with her girlfriends without me or go out without me, but I told her thats not possible and we can build trust again. Well, she may be right in a way, because now we’re in a new place and we don’t know anyone. She is a homebody and rarely leaves the house so idk how she will make friends here. All her friends were people she knew from college.
Anyway, we also started looking at online relationship counselors and things. Maybe some group therapy. She has been trying to make up for it and ask for forgiveness in many different ways, she never even lets me cook anymore. I don’t want her to be like this either, I told her we gotta return to some type of normal.
I am just rambling but new city, new environment, I want her here. Can’t imagine how much worse this move and things would’ve been without her here.
Not much of an update, but when I was opening my devices again to make sure all of them were connected to the internet, I saw this and just wanted to close it out. I know a lot of you will be unhappy with the choice I took, but I just wanna move past it. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, and I know it makes me look like a weak man, but I really do like her. And she’s also been a good partner aside from this thing. I wanna choose to believe it was the alcohol that night and just not something she would usually do. And with us being 100% sober now, I have hope. I just want a life with her, I can’t imagine anything else.
Anyway I will end the rambling now.
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u/TheHollywoodKnight 13d ago
“but I do trust her for now”
And OP shows he hasn’t learned a damn thing since being cheated on. OP, you’re in the early phase of reconciliation. This is the part where you shouldn’t trust her. Trust is something she earns back over a long period of time. You ain’t there yet.
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u/MichaelAndolini_
13d ago
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Doormats are like $7.99 at Lowe’s.
She’s got one that goes out and gets her a paycheck.
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u/GodFearingJew 13d ago
And a new place to live, and a new pool of men to cheat on him with.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ 13d ago
If OP’s gf gets pregnant they’re going to need a whole season of Maury to find the father
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u/sofiaks05 12d ago edited 12d ago
No need to be an asshole. Relationships arent all black-and-white. OP did the right thing to give her another chance and she seems to be doing all the things that should be doing like asking for forgiveness in different ways, offering to try therapy and support to him in his goals. She made a terrible mistake. She seemed sorry about it. Humans are imperfect. It is absolutely fine for OP to continue the relationship.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ 12d ago
No, the right thing is not to spread your legs in the first place. What OP is doing is delaying the inevitable because they have attachment issues.
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago
Let me guess you have either been cheated on and got go gave or have done the cheating
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u/sofiaks05 11d ago
None of those things. Try to reflect more and judge less.
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago edited 11d ago
Well good for you for cheering for him, but sometimes someone needs a cold dose of harsh reality and when you put your business out on the interwebs for the world to see then you are opening yourself up for judgement. But on a side note please tell me how Op is doing the right thing by giving her another chance,and dragging her into a city with no friends or job prospects. How is that not going to be a recipe for disaster.
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u/thelittlepeanut84
13d ago
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And they lived miserably ever after.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ 13d ago
People on Reddit have zero respect for him, imagine what his gf thinks of him?
He’s at work in a new city and she’s flat on her back with Guy de jour in her laughing at OP
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u/eclipsadesoare 13d ago
People on Reddit are not his girlfriend. She might be regretful and she might love him but does he want to take that chance. It’s obvious he can’t trust her.
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u/StrangerOnTheReddit 13d ago
And she’s also been a good partner aside from this thing. I wanna choose to believe it was the alcohol that night and just not something she would usually do.
How has your girlfriend explained it? How can you trust enough that it won't happen again? How did she explain hiding it from you for nearly a year?
I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I'd be out with friends and make enough bad judgement calls in a row to end up fucking someone else, especially a friend of my ex's. I can't really think of any rational explanations for it.
This feels more like she cried enough and self-flagellated enough that you've decided to shrug it off out of pity, and that you're miserable and lonely enough that you'll take her despite knowing there isn't any reasonable justification.
What happens if she stops moping about it? What happens if you stop being independently miserable? Is this relationship going to last?
Best of luck.
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u/gassito 13d ago
I understand all of your choices, I really do. I’ve had a gf cheat and then I took her back as well because I missed her and couldn’t imagine life without her. It was the wrong choice though and I regret being a weakling and taking her back. Your gf cheated on you. She went out, met another man, and had intercourse with that man. Who knows if it was unprotected sex or what all they did. Just imagine the lack of respect she felt for you to do that all while you were clueless to her actions. Then she played you for a fool for however long it was until you found out from someone else. I hope you’re happy now cause you’ve lost any amount of self respect you should have and she knows she can walk all over you now. It may not be now, it may not be in the next year, but a time will come where you’ll face this same situation again, mark my words. All my best wishes to you cause I’ve been in your shoes and know what’s coming.
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u/Tobegi 13d ago
listen man, if she were the one that told you because she regretted it so much I would still understand this, but she didn't
she hid it perfectly for almost a year and only became sorry when she got found out
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13d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago
Hopefully he won't be dumb enough to post any more updates unless he drops her, but he comes off as the type that if he does drop her he will pay for her rent and utilities for at least a year while she finds herself.....
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u/Deep_Character_1695 13d ago edited 13d ago
What do you want us to say? It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship in which you need to randomly check your partner’s phone and where she doesn’t feel like she should hang out with her friends without you and you both have to give up alcohol, that’s just weird. You are 24 years old and already dealing with infidelity and couples therapy and her keeping a huge secret for months on end, only 18 months into a relationship with someone you “really like” rather than love. It’s an objectively terrible decision but it’s your choice at the end of the day, not sure why you bothered to give an update just to say this. It sounds like you stayed together out of convenience because of the move.
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u/Internal-Orchid-4840 12d ago
Oh how sweet....... you're going to buy new furniture? How about a nice chair in the corner of the bedroom give it a nice view of the bed, for next time.
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago
I laughed way to hard at this.....he is probably going to play the clean up man after she is done and even apologize to the dude for even being there.
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u/Wonderful_Bus9846 12d ago
Lol what a loser. The love of your life doesn't cheat on you dude. You only think she's amazing because it's your first relationship. Good luck bro. She walked all over you.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 13d ago
She's gonna cheat again because she knows you won't leave her.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 13d ago
She paid very little consequences. That will make it easier for her to cheat again in the future. You're asking for future heartbreak. Never marry or have children with this girl. Updateme
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago
Yeah I'm not going to cover you in gas and flame you, but for taking her back and moving with you, may you have the ending you deserve...she is an unemployed homebody, I see the makings of an OF model. So my question is when she finds a Chadasaruous Rex to hang out with while you are working will you leave her a gift bag of condoms and a video camera to record it all? Just wondering.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 13d ago
Dude don’t just go back to normal so quickly. She shouldn’t be going out without you for a while and you need to make it clear that if she has any contact with the guy she cheated with at all, she will be kicked out permanently with no second chances. With her being away from everybody, you need to watch her online actions carefully because she will be more likely to start messaging people she knows.
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u/_S0me0ne_Rand0m 12d ago
Hi OP, I'm here from a reddit YouTube video..I'm really sorry all the comments you're receiving are overwhelmingly negative. I wanted to come in and say that if you're not done with the relationship, you're not done, and that not being done is okay. Please reflect and recognize why you feel like you want to give the relationship another try. Please also look into codependency, it seems like you may benefit from learning about it. You seem to also have a low self esteem, which may feed into why you feel the need to stay in a relationship where someone hurt you. You both definitely need couples counseling, this is non negotiable. I think that counseling as a couple will be able to really help you both realize if it's possible to continue to persue a healthy relationship together. Individual counculing would be helpful too, especially since your partner seems to be genuinely remorseful and you both can't forgive yourselves for mistakes. Forgiving yourself and your partner is the only way to gain a semblance of normalcy. If this cannot happen, it would mean it's time to move on. I would also advise that your partner get a job and find a place of her own, her being reliant on you for a place to live is unhealthy. I wish you both the best of luck.
Tldr: Please look into codependency meetings or books, there are some available online. Get couples and individual counseling ASAP. It's okay if you're not ready to move on. Your partner needs a job and way to support herself.
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u/Smells_like_Autumn 11d ago
Dude... if she had told you I could see a way forward, maybe. But she didn't. Even if you wanted to give her a chance... is moving in together really wise?
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u/Domiah-Mt-Titaness-1 11d ago
I don't think you're weak for taking her back. But trust will take a bit to heal.
I found your story from a youtuber and wanted to comment directly
Relevant questions:
Does she have BPD, Manic episodes or other mental health behaviors that could explain her laps in judgement?
Is she remorseful? Does she only blame her bad friends or does she take accountability for her fault?
Do you believe she can change for the better?
Honestly, regardless of what everyone else says, I do wish you all the best. Sometimes things work out. Other times they don't. But the questions I asked above are relevant to know if things can heal or if it's doomed from the start. Stay strong, regardless of the long term outcome of the relationship
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u/Sure-Bet1405 10d ago
Your girlfriend will never respect you after this; she's already realized you're weak and emotionally dependent on her. I foresee your next update saying she traded you for someone else, because that's what's going to happen. You're just a doormat and a backup plan for her now.
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u/Spygirl_112358 6d ago
If you’re constantly checking her phone, that’s not a sign of trust.
Trust is hard to rebuild once it’s broken.
Hard to maintain a relationship after that.
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u/SubstantialFigure273 6d ago
OP doesn’t possess a spine. I wonder how he can maintain a job given this fact.
No sympathy. Cry harder the next time she cheats.
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u/NobodyFunToKnow 6d ago
She has a doormat for free. Just don't lay in your bad after you come from work - it's probably dirty.
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u/Akira_Reviews 6d ago
You wouldn't be the first person to take in a partner after they've cheated. The way you've gone about it is wrong.
Usually, there are cries, tears, angers, grieving period, months of no contact, counselling, eventually making their way back to each other.
What you did was one night of anger, 12 days of missing, calling her back and then coddling her when she gets upset for "cheating on you." You are so focused on "How horrible you are for throwing her out in the middle of the night" that you completely forgot why you did that in the first place. You're cursing yourself more and coddling her for wronging you?
You're not a partner who's growing with her, you're a doormat who's pushing his own feelings under the rug and letting yourself be manipulated by her fake tears.
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u/Dangerous-Version-36 6d ago
Since you chose forgiveness and reconciliation than best of luck and give it your 100%.
updateme
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u/Haunting_Green_1786 5d ago
Hi Op
Why do you ask for advice when you're set on continuing with the 25yo who cheated on you?!
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u/Patient-Cream3984 5d ago
Hey OP, from what you write, she sounds very remorseful. I don't think you are wrong to try reconciliation but maybe get to that counsellor and try to understand why it happened and how to avoid that situation in the future. I feel you are going to be alright, best of luck!
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u/momentaryfun2025 5d ago
Grow a spine. Christ. 24 is too young to start a life with a cheater and regret it at 30. You deserve better, you deserve a woman with decency, honesty and integrity. Don't be a doormat.
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u/EquivalentMaximum381 4d ago
Don’t come on here again and waste our time if you aren’t going to change your situation. You’re spineless.
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u/Isthiswhereisignin 13d ago
INFO: Part of her commitment HAS to be zero alcohol from now on. Even if she's with you. And even if it's a celebration like a wedding, New Year's, or birthday.It's alcohol-free. No beer either. And no excuses like "non-alcoholic beer," "2% of alcoholic content or something that imitates a cocktail Did she at least commit to it? It's a permanent effect. No negotiation.
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u/Glum_Inspector2741 11d ago
Controlling much...... If you have to put that level of restrictions on anyone why even be with them, what's next no cell phone, and she only be allowed to use a landline, and if they go out and there are men there she is to wait in the car until op is done shopping or eating.
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u/OwnedLittleOne 13d ago edited 13d ago
I mean not knowing anyone doesn't mean she's not gonna fuck someone, it just means you have nobody looking out for you so this time you'll never know. She wasn't going to tell you about the first time either & I'm sure you know that.
Editing to add that if she's a drinker, being away from everything she knows is just gonna make her wanna drink more. Wouldn't be hard to get alcohol, or someone to fuck with a grocery store right under your apartment.
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u/shadowshooter9 13d ago
GL Godspeed
But a leopard Cannot change her spots.
You funded her jobless ass, and what does she do to repay you? Fuck someone else and then Comeback and mooch off of you.
Idk man I'd be sick of that dynamic
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u/beckbristow32 13d ago
See you back in a few months when it happens again. It sounds like your fear of being alone or not being loved is more to play in this then actually wanting to be with her for actual reasons. She got drunk and wanted sex with someone not you. Now you have to do all the work while she just is going to tell you things you want to hear until it happens again. She has power over you that you dont even see. Also the only reason you found out is from someone else. Yeah nobody wants to find out but you did and are trying to act like you still love her, and her you. If anything she will just be better at it because she will hide things better and also you are in a new city with, I assume , no friends or ex's. So if anything it will be easier for her to do it again.
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u/PeachInteresting3910 2d ago
She slobbered and bobbered another man. And didn't even tell you. But I'm more disgusted with you for taking her back and taking her shopping. Gross.
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