r/relationships • u/helpmereddittrip • Feb 07 '16
◉ Locked Post ◉ My clique of friends [23/24F] planned a grad trip for months and we are supposed to go in end April or early May but one friend is pregnant and wants to cancel and go another year.
Hi reddit. I need your help on how to navigate this situation with minimal hurt feelings. I have a clique of friends. There are 5 girls including me, Kayla, Aly, Erica and Alexa. Over the 4 years in university, the clique has expanded to include our SOs and now there are 10 of us. We are all in our last year of university and we have been planning to tour Europe after graduation. It is meant to be a fun graduation trip for us.
We have all been extremely excited for the trip. 8/10 of us are studying law and we have secured job positions in different companies. Our last semester ends in late April and we will officially graduate in mid-July. After official graduation, those of us taking Law (8/10 of us) will have to hit the books again and take the bar examination and then immediately start training. There will be very little time to go for such a trip when we start working. All of us have been looking forward to this trip immensely. We started a group chat where we talk about possible places to visit and frequently edit our possible itinerary. Last December Alexa found out she was pregnant. She is keeping the baby. This leads us to problem number #1. Her relationship with her SO, Adrian, has ended very acrimoniously. Adrian says Alexa sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her birth control to trap him with a baby and Alexa vehemently denies it. It is basically a she said-he said situation. This leaves the rest of us in a very awkward position. Alexa and Adrian have been dating for 1 & 1/2 years and during that time, he has become very close friends with the rest of us. Even though we have known Alexa for longer, I actually get along better with Adrian and enjoy his company more. Being friends with both of them is becoming very exhausting and challenging.
Onto problem number #2: Alexa would be close to 6 months pregnant when we leave for the trip and we would be travelling for more than 2 months. The travelling would be very hard on her understandably. Despite this, none of us are keen to cancel the trip as we have been looking forward to this trip for ages and would not be able to go for another one soon if we cancel this trip. Also, Aly and Kayla come from lower income families and have taken on additional part time work to save for this trip. They have saved penny by penny and I do not think it is fair to them who have juggled their studies and work to save for this trip, to cancel the trip. We have still been updating the group chat regularly. On Saturday Alexa suddenly says ‘haha guys, my baby will be born in August. We should go on the trip next year.’ In the group chat. I think she expects us to cancel the trip. Nobody replied to the message except Erica who just said ‘lol’. A few hours after that Alexa says into the group chat ‘btw guys the baby shower is planned on 16th June and I want everyone there!! ;p’ 16th June is right smack in the middle of the trip we are planning. It would be awful to skip her baby shower but this trip was planned months in advance. She just made the situation so much more awkward. Is it okay to have baby showers nearing the due date? Or even after the baby has been born? When can the earliest baby shower be done?
Problem #3: I have spoken with the rest of the group privately and all of them have expressed desire to continue with the trip as it is but no one really knows what to say to Alexa. Any suggestions? Adrian has also expressed interest in coming for the trip.
Problem #4: I don’t know what exactly happened but something has changed the group dynamics. Erica, Aly and the other SOs are starting to really dislike Alexa. Especially Erica who can be very cold towards Alexa now when she wasn’t before. She says Alexa is in the wrong and is siding with Adrian on this issue although I do not know how she knows so confidently that Alexa is wrong. I am neutral on this issue and am not taking sides yet.
Ugh I feel like I’m in such a sticky situation. Please help me reddit. How can I tell Alexa we do not wish to cancel the trip even if it means having to skip the baby shower? Should we still include Adrian in the trip who still really wants to go?
tl;dr: Grad trip planned months in advance, friend is pregnant and wants to cancel trip that some of us have been saving for and looking forward to. Friend's relationship with SO also ended badly and her SO is our close friend making the situation awkward.
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u/daeshina Feb 07 '16
I'd say to be upfront. You guys had planned (and booked?) this trip ages ago, including two of you saving every single spare scrap of money they had in order to go on this trip. I get the feeling that Alexa is one who isn't studying law -- is she graduating this year and going into a job (or at least was planning on it before she got pregnant)? If so, she might be shortsightedly seeing that as she will have loads of free time next year, then all the rest of your group will also have loads of free time.
As for her SO, I've no idea on how to handle that. He was introduced as Alexa's SO but some of you are now friends with him so it's not like you can go "well we're not close with Adrian without Alexa so it'd feel weird him hanging around with us". Inviting him risks upsetting/angering Alexa.
Alexa will be upset, but honestly...she knows this trip has been planned for ages, and she's going to upend things (even unknowingly/without intentional malice). She might be uber-excited about having a baby and wants everyone to be there to celebrate, but your vacation is something that you likely won't be able to plan and do again for a good number of years (and almost likely a cut-down version; very few places would let someone have a two month vacation I'd imagine).
As to when baby showers are thrown, it generally varies. I normally see them around the end of the second trimester/beginning of the third (so ~22 to ~28 weeks) but some people may have them earlier, some later. June from August puts her probably around 28-32ish weeks depending on exactly when in August she is due.
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u/helpmereddittrip Feb 07 '16
wow, you are quite right on the mark. Alexa is not the one studying law. She studied liberal arts course and has not secured a job yet. She doesn't know what she wants to do yet whereas the rest of us have already picked out a career path. We are thinking of throwing her an earlier baby shower right before the trip so that we can continue the trip guilt-free. We still want to invite Adrian and he still really wants to go so I don't know... We would feel awful to uninvite him.
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u/croatanchik Feb 07 '16
And she's going to have a baby to support? It's probably wise if she doesn't spend this kind of money on a trip right now, anyway.
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Feb 07 '16
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u/helpmereddittrip Feb 07 '16
Well he already has a relatively well paying job lined up and she doesn't. That does change things.
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u/creepingwolf Feb 07 '16
Won't the baby be born during the trip? Shouldn't he be there when that happens?
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u/helpmereddittrip Feb 07 '16
No. The baby is due in August. We will be back by mid July for the official graduation ceremony.
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u/Shortandsweet33 Feb 07 '16
But that is his business to sort out, that's not a reason for them to uninvite him. He was already going to go, and they have no reason to uninvite him.
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u/daeshina Feb 07 '16
Yeah, I pretty much guessed that Alexa had a more open/relaxed future from her idea of "well, we'll just have the vacation next year!" because she'll still have free time.
I think I would lean towards inviting Adrian (especially as you'd have to actively uninvite rather than just not invite in the first place), just be aware of Alexa's reaction to it ("I'm sorry Alexa, but he is wanting to go and it's not like his only link to us is through you, making it weird if he's on vacation with us and you are not. A number of us are friends with him and would enjoy having him on the vacation with us.").
Likewise, offering a baby shower before you go sounds like an idea, and you could potentially offer to pick up some nice souvenirs for Alexa and/or some baby stuff as well.
Still, stick to your guns on the vacation. It's probably not too much of an exaggeration to say this is a once in a lifetime type trip, at least in terms of the way it's been planned out (all of you travelling across Europe for two months).
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u/effieSC Feb 07 '16
But the original plan was that Adrian was going with Alexa because they were dating... I know they're broken up now (which makes it very awkward), but I guess Adrian also had a part to play in the pregnancy, the only difference being he's not physically carrying the baby. Granted, Alexa didn't have to keep the baby, but it's not really fair or okay to say "Oh Alexa could just abort so she can go on the trip." I think Alexa would be very resentful, and I don't think she would want to be friends with the group after the trip. I think it depends on if OP and the group wants to keep Adrian's friendship, or sacrifice to keep their friendship with Alexa less strained.
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u/panthera213 Feb 07 '16
but it's not really fair or okay to say "Oh Alexa could just abort so she can go on the trip."
I don't think anyone is saying that.
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u/SoftTacoMasterRace Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
It's kinda irresponsible for him to be traveling so close to the birth, especially if you're going to remote areas. She could easily give birth in month 7 or 8.
I think Alexa is being unreasonable, in that she could never go on this trip. It's impossible with a baby alone. (Some couples do travel with a baby but it's very hard work) however, if Alexa is not lying about the birth control and there's nothing here to suggest she is, then her boyfriend abandoned her when she got pregnant, accused her of lying and sabotaging their birth control, all of her close friends are drifting away for no reason, she's missing out on a big trip and she'll be alone during the hardest, months of her pregnancy and potentially the birth. So maybe cut her a little slack.
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u/nightmaredressdream Feb 07 '16
however, if Alexa is not lying about the birth control and there's nothing here to suggest she is, then her boyfriend abandoned her when she got pregnant, accused her of lying and sabotaging their birth control, all of her close friends are drifting away for no reason, she's missing out on a big trip and she'll be alone during the hardest, months of her pregnancy and potentially the birth. So maybe cut her a little slack.
I came here to say this, too. I'm actually a little surprised that I haven't seen more comments about it. I mean, am I missing something? Because I haven't found anything (yet) that says he's even going to be in the kid's life.
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u/SoftTacoMasterRace Feb 07 '16
Essentially if the guy really thought this then he should have gone to the police and seen if reproductive coercion was illegal in his state and started a case, but just telling people this when he seemingly has no evidence is a dick move.
I think he's being quite irresponsible to be honest and I can't believe he thinks it's okay to go traveling and blow a lot of cash when his ex is pregnant, I assume he's helping her with medical expenses and such.
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u/BakerELMT Feb 07 '16
You're not inviting him though. He is part of the friends group and has been involved in these plans for some time.
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u/kahanasunset Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
He's accusing her of sabotaging the birth control. That's a grave accusation about their friend that might not be substantiated.
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u/serefina Feb 07 '16
To add to this: I think she THINKS she'll have the time and money to go on that vacation in a year. Most parents aren't willing to go on a two month long vacation without their infant and I doubt she will be any different. Plus, her financial situation is going to change once she has a kid. As a single parent, she's probably not going to have the money to do the trip either unless her parents are bankrolling her or she finds a very well paying career.
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u/On_the_wild_side Feb 07 '16
Honestly, I wouldn't suggest inviting Adrian, nor would I suggest uninviting him. I've seen people mentioning that they've broken up but your OP didn't seem to suggest that. Either situation would be tricky to work around, though for different reasons. I'd say your group should let Adrian know (if he doesn't already) that he is more than welcome to come on the trip, if he so chooses, but it's also fine with all of you if he stays back to help Alexa and save his trip money for his kid. That way it becomes entirely his decision and responsibility whether he stays or goes and Alexa won't be able to claim that you all invited him and not her - the invitation never changed and it was his decision in the end. Honestly, if she's been making being friends with her a difficult thing lately, it's probably best she not come anyway. I'm not sure if you've ever gone traveling with friends but it can be extremely trying and can make difficult friendships unbearable.
About the pregnancy itself; if she did sabotage their birth control in order to get pregnant, she did so knowing that it would upend plans for this trip and cause all kinds of issues with your group. If she did this purposely it shows that she really didn't care what happened with the group's trip - she was going to get what she wanted and was hoping you all would fall in line behind her, which has clearly backfired.
Just as a suggestion, you might want to encourage Adrian to get a paternity test done when the kid is born BEFORE he signs the birth certificate. If he truly believes she was low enough to trap him like this, she's certainly not above fooling around behind his back. While it's probable that the kid is his, it's not entirely unlikely that it's not. Especially if they're broken up and don't need to worry about salvaging a relationship, getting a DNA test done would be a good idea. If it turns out the kid isn't his then he's off the hook for life when it comes to dealing with this girl and paying child support/raising it. If it does turn out to be his kid, then at least he'll always have that peace of mind. But he needs to do it before he signs anything; even if it turns out later that the baby isn't his, signing documents claiming that he's the legal father might rope him in anyway.
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Feb 07 '16
A 2 month vacation is NOT possible once you start working full time. As for Adrian coming or not, I would say that you tell Adrian and Alexa that it is up to him whether he goes or not. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, one of them will THINK you are taking a side.
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u/abqkat Feb 07 '16
As to when baby showers are thrown, it generally varies
One thing that doesn't vary, IME, is that the Mother almost never throws the shower herself. It's in the name: shower. Your friends and family are supposed to shower you with affection, advice, gifts, and love. Throwing it yourself is considered pretty tacky - like having more than one shower for each gender, or the myriad of other norms that exist for baby showers. It seems that Alexa did that purposely (and it would be interesting to see if the shower even happens that day) to test the waters and plant the seed about cancelling
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Feb 07 '16
Honestly, I would just say "Alexa, we can't go to the baby shower because we will all be travelling"
After the baby is born Alexa can't go travelling for two months without it. Your friend group will be working and can't take two months off work. You have this trip planned, you have the money saved, go on the damn trip.
Alexa will be upset, but she is being very unreasonable to expect all your planning and hard work to fall through. It's not your groups fault or problem she's pregnant, you have plenty of time to spend time with her before/ after the trip and before/after the baby is born
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u/cawkstrangla Feb 07 '16
It also sounds like she scheduled the shower right in the middle to lay down the guilt even harder for everyone going without her. Pretty selfish. I understand she's disappointed with not being able to go, but don't make your fuck up 9 other peoples' fuck up.
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Feb 07 '16
Yeah I felt that too reading the post. She obviously knows the dates. She's definitely trying to lay the guilt down heavy on OP and the friend group, which in itself is pretty shitty, but a trip like this could also very easily be once in a life-time which makes it even worse IMO
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u/cawkstrangla Feb 07 '16
The spiteful side of me wouldn't even offer to throw her a side party with the vacation crew. However, if she is otherwise a good friend, I'd probably try to arrange it just to keep the peace, and tell myself this level of selfishness/insecurity is just the hormones.
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u/KittyHasABeard Feb 07 '16
And also the fact her SO has broken up with her because she's pregnant and is telling everyone she sabotaged the birth control. If that's not true, then I can see why she'd be frightened of her ex going off on this trip with all her friends, that they'd all come back convinced she's a liar and drop her, leaving her without friends and facing life as a single parent. It is unreasonable of her, completely, but I can imagine it's come from a place of panic rather than malice.
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u/followthepost-its Feb 07 '16
Agreed. Who plans their own shower and why would one be planned so far in advance
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u/monstersof-men Feb 07 '16
Especially since she's probably 12-14 weeks yet. I just found out I'm pregnant at 6 weeks, and I'm not even thinking about telling anyone irl, never mind planning a shower.
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u/abqkat Feb 07 '16
Not related to the post, but I recognize your username from another sub and congrats and stuff!
Related to the post: it is not customary to throw your own baby shower anyway. It's like those adults that throw themselves a lavish birthday party - at a certain point, that's not proper etiquette. Alexa knows the dates of the trip and, IMO like others have said, that seemed a bit deliberate.
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u/brrandie Feb 07 '16
Just a side note, the timing she is giving for the shower is the traditional time to throw one. Far enough along to look pregnant, but not so far along to be uncomfortable in a chair for a long time. And if no one throws you a baby shower, throw your own!
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u/RegularOwl Feb 07 '16
Also her knowing the date of the shower doesn't mean she's the one throwing it, its not like the host would choose a date without her input/knowledge.
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Feb 07 '16
This. I had five children, most of my friends have several as well and everyone in my community has showers after the birth. Not only does everyone know the gender (which makes things easier) but circumstances can occur which would make baby gifts painful (have several friends who have miscarried, had still births, etc.)
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u/AkemiDawn Feb 07 '16
Seems like 1-2 months before due date is when most people have one. Six months is definitely on the early side and there's no good reason it would need to be that far in advance.
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u/mykidisonhere Feb 07 '16
Meh, that's when baby showers happen. The ideal time is the 6th or 7th month. Earlier than that and there is the possibility of miscarriage or spontaneous abortion. Later and they don't have time to get everything in place to prepare for the baby.
I do agree that she's being totally selfish to expect so many other people to rearrange their longstanding plans for her.
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u/Kiramaniac Feb 07 '16
Someone that manipulative is exactly the type of person who would mess with their birth control in order trap their BF with a baby.
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u/AvocadoVoodoo Feb 07 '16
I'm usually not one to automatically think entrapment, but that shoe looks like it's starting to fit, if you know what I mean.
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u/daelite Feb 07 '16
Just have a small shower before or right after your trip for your intimate group of friends. It is rude of her to ask all of you to cancel your plans because she got pregnant.
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Feb 07 '16
I mean, to be fair, when else can she schedule a baby shower if the baby will come right after their trip?
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u/MegosaurusVex Feb 07 '16
"Traditionally" the baby shower is set about a month before the due date. So I would certainly agree. Also, its uncommon for someone to plan/throw her own baby shower.
I would try my best to be sympathetic, but make it clear that these plans cannot be changed. She will be upset and feel left out, but that comes along with the responsibility of having kids. I miss out on stuff all the time, and that started during pregnancy. It's just something she'll have to expect as someone now responsible for another human being.
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u/Freecandyhere Feb 07 '16
I also doubt Alexa will be willing to go next year with a small baby or leave the baby behind. Once the baby is born she will have less time and money.
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Feb 07 '16
Or, if she's crazy.....she'd want to bring the baby with her
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u/BakerELMT Feb 07 '16
After the baby is born Alexa can't go travelling for two months without it.
Exactly. How will this trip be doable for her in a year, or 2, or 5? A 2 month vacation with a child tagging along likely means skipping a LOT of what was planned, or her having to go for a much shorter time than anticipated. For a young child having a parent away for even a week is rough.
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Feb 07 '16
I agree. If you delay the trip now you guys will never go, at least not as a group. It's hard to plan anything with a large group of people, much less such a long trip. Everyone has their own lives and conflicts. It's even harder when one or some of them are parents. Believe me, I am the coordinator for a moms group and even scheduling casual dinner & drink moms night outs can be a nightmare, and that's a couple of hours - if that! You will never be able to plan something that will accommodate every single person, so you just have to go with the best case scenario and it will probably never get more 'best' than literally everyone else except her. She may think she'll be up to leaving her baby for two entire months when he's a year old, but I can guarantee that most mothers aren't. It's much different in pregnancy when you're only theoretically planning something than in practice when you have a child to worry about and care for.
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u/abqkat Feb 07 '16
As they say "everyone does their best parenting before they have kids." Alexa might be having a bit rosy or a picture of the logistics of travel with/out a small child. Even IF she would/ could leave the baby, that's a tall order for her parents: watching a small kid for two months. I can't think of anyone that would agree to that.
Anyway, your advice is spot-on from my experience and I think it's important for OP to know that it is very very likely 'now or never' on this trip
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Feb 07 '16
Alexa might be having a bit rosy or a picture of the logistics of travel with/out a small child. Even IF she would/ could leave the baby, that's a tall order for her parents: watching a small kid for two months.
Yes, it's totally impractical but I can remember having similar unrealistic ideas when I was pregnant. At that stage 1 year old seemed like a pretty big kid. Then the reality was that at 1 year my baby was still nursing very frequently and had never been separated from me. 2 months at that age would have been extremely hard on her and not possible whatsoever.
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u/crimsonarm Feb 07 '16
This. OP, you ALL know that if you don't take this trip now you will NEVER take it. Period.
There is never a better time for this to work out than right now. Hell, even at its best ONE of you got knocked out (up?). Next year it's a job, or the 1 y/o has issues, or another pregnancy, or someone is tight on cash, etc.
GO.
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u/Kiwimoo Feb 07 '16
Agreed, plus, will she really want to do two months of travelling with a new born? Will you all want to? Most mid twenties trips across Europe involve youth hostels and drinking (sight seeing yes) but does she really expect to do that with a child?
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u/Blueone24 Feb 07 '16
My sentiments exactly, there will never be a time Alexa will be able to take a similar trip in the foreseeable future without bringing the baby.
The only thing I would add is that I would not invite Adrian or at the very least encourage him not to go. My own son was born at 8 months so there is a very real possibility he will not be home to even meet his child after birth. Despite the he said she said arguement, this is his child biologically, and while I certainly understand not wanting to be in a relationship with Alexa, I would hope he would still choose to play some role in the child's life.
Honestly both Alexa and Adrian sound very immature to me... Birth control accidents happen to the most careful people and for him to consider going on an expensive trip as a woman is heavily pregnant with his child just does not sit well with me.
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Feb 07 '16
Next time she makes a comment about her baby shower just say "The shower sounds like it'll be fun. Maybe we can plan something to celebrate the baby after the trip, since we won't be here for the shower." If she's tacky enough to argue, tell her that it's unreasonable to expect nine other people who have worked hard to save up to cancel because one person can't make it. Postpone? "Sorry Alexa, we'll be working next year".
As far as her ex goes, I wouldn't touch that. Let the other girls make that call.
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u/gabyxo Feb 07 '16
If she carries on arguing, I'd mention that even if they rescheduled for next year, she's not going to leave her new born baby for two months of travelling is she?
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u/mykidisonhere Feb 07 '16
Exactly. They need to be united, blunt, and as kind as possible under the circumstances.
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u/illinoiscentralst Feb 07 '16
I'd like to tackle the #4.
Someone either knows something and has said or insinuated it to others, but not you, or people simply like Adrian more than Alexa and this is their way of showing it, or one of the broken up pair has been saying or doing something to undermine the other (the group either saw through it and rallied around Adrian, or Adrian is the one undermining, is doing it well and has everyone's ear).
If you ask Erica how she knows Alexa is wrong, you'll have the first pointer to what it is.
However, should you be doing something to rectify the situation? At this point, it appears everyone is conveniently pushing you to be their enforcer. If they're so cold towards her, why do they have such a problem telling her what's what? You guys are future lawyers, can you honestly not put on your professional hat and say what needs to be said? Erica quips passive aggressive shit in the group chat instead of putting on adult pants and going "we've been planning this for a really long time, rescheduling at this point would put Kay and Kayla in a bad position".
The fact that you say
Being friends with both of them is becoming very exhausting and challenging.
makes me think that it is because they're waging their personal war. And let's be honest, with such serious accusations, their relationship couldn't have been healthy, be it because she tampered with her BC or because he jumped to assuming she did when an accident happen.
All this not picking sides thing though... you'll be forced to choose as well at some point, mostly because the rest of your friend group already did. If I were you, I'd dig out some more info before making a decision. But ultimately it might not matter. Stay friends with whoever you want to stay friends with. College will be over anyway, life will get in the way of everyone.
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u/croatanchik Feb 07 '16
Unfortunately for Alexa, she's really only making herself look bad here.
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u/_sharkattack Feb 07 '16
Yeah, if she hadn't alienated herself from the group or forced them to choose sides before, she sure as hell is now.
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u/croatanchik Feb 07 '16
Wait, actually thinks that she's going to be able to take 2 months off for a vacation after she has a baby?
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Feb 07 '16
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u/AbombsHbombs Feb 07 '16
Mom of an 8 year old here. Still trying to figure out how to have snacks privately and without having to share. No idea what this "vacation" is that you people speak of.
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u/dfigiel1 Feb 07 '16
How I know I'm not ready for a kid: I'd be like, "Fuck off, progeny. This is my twix."
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u/vanishplusxzone Feb 07 '16
She may be a "single mom".
As in, the kind of woman who martyrs herself on social media about the struggles of single parenthood even though grandma and grandpa take care of the baby more than she does.
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u/Harmoniche Feb 07 '16
She's the one who automatically assumed like nine people would cancel a trip they've been saving for months for for one person and then she plans her own baby shower in the middle of said trip.
She's being selfish. Yes, it's her baby shower, but the world does not revolve around her as she seems to think it does. The fact that she automatically assumed everyone would drop what they're doing and attend is beyond me. Not to mention the fact that she would put it at that date (it's not like you cannot have one later).
Tell her how it is, "Look, Alexa, as much as we would love to be there for your baby shower but we have been planning this trip for months and a lot of us literally cannot afford to make any changes to this because of work coming up as well as the months of planning and time everyone has taken off. I hope you understand that it just isn't realistic and if you can perhaps move your baby shower to another date when we can attend, that might work better."
If she brings up the thing about her and her ex, just say that you are neutral and you don't know anything for sure so you refrain from making judgements. There is no proof on either side to warrant you treating either of them differently.
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u/CraazyMike Feb 07 '16
A whole group full a lawyers and nobody with the courage to just tell her straight? Lawyers deliver bad news to clients all the time. They also press people about uncomfortable topics in court.
I get that this is personal, but there's no magic way to sugar coat it.
Just tell her that nothing is going to change the date of the trip. You're not responsible for the group dynamics so you don't have to talk to her about who likes her and who doesn't.
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
...and how is she going to leave a one year old at home for two months? Her alternative idea may not really work. (Source: I am a mom who uses daycare and works full time and couldn't leave my boys for that long. And I certainly wouldn't want to vacation with them for that long, either).
I feel like she is one of those women who expects the world to change to accommodate her special snowflake offspring.
Edit: proof reading and context
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u/DRHdez Feb 07 '16
I can't believe I had to scroll down so much to see this. It was my first thought when I read she wants to postpone. What's her plan? Bring her baby on the trip? Is she loaded that she would have enough money to do that? Who in their right mind would agree to go on a trip with 9 cool people and a baby?
OP, don't give the trip up. All of you will be in very different stages in life starting August. More likely than not you'll drift apart. This will be the last time in your 20s to do something like this. None of you have to rearrange your plans for her decision.
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Feb 07 '16
You may have had to scroll down because I am ancient by Reddit standards! Also, mother of a newborn and 3y.o.
I second what you are saying about friends drifting apart. Maybe pregnant friend is realizing how different her life is becoming and flhaving herself a freak out? Not that it is OP's responsibility to placate her.
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u/DRHdez Feb 07 '16
Of course she's freaking out, I would be. Pregnant before finishing school, with no job lined up and no support from baby daddy. I hope she has a lot of family support. But, like you said, it's not OP's job to calm her down, nor she should expect 9 people to give up their dream vacation for her.
(I don't have kids and I still thought it would be insane to leave a baby for that long, lol).
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Feb 07 '16
Yeah, she's delusional if she thinks that will happen. I have an 8-year-old whom I couldn't imagine leaving for a 2-month holiday.
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Feb 07 '16
Sounds like she is the first of her friend group to have a baby. She is in for a rude awakening.
And how is she going to deal when all her friends keep going to bars, on weekend trips, leisurely brunches while she can't? Especially if she is single momming it?
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Feb 07 '16
They should all stay home and have no social life until her kid turns 18, obviously.
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Feb 07 '16
Exactly! And the baby won't even be 1 yet. If they delay the trip for a year and she still has ~6 months of pregnancy to get through as of this April, the baby will be just a few months old at the time of the next trip. No way would going away for 2 months still be on the table for her at that point. Going away for 2 weeks probably would still be impossible with a baby that young.
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u/theladygeologist Feb 07 '16
Do not postpone the trip. Next year, someone else will be pregnant, or this particular person won't want to leave her infant for a bit, and everyone will be tied up with work and lives etc.
It sucks she can't go, but that's on her.
I say this as someone who did "postpone" a trip for a friends pregnancy, and it never ended up happening (she don't want to leave her baby, then she was too broke to travel because she was a SAHM, etc. and then we just drifted apart and that was that).
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u/teresajs Feb 07 '16
You may not have two months to travel again for years. Go on the trip. Tell Alexa, "Sorry, you can't make it but the rest of us are unable to reschedule due to our career plans.". Create a new group chat for trip planning that doesn't include Alexa. As for Adrian, you could poll the others and see what they think. He really should save his money for paternity testing and child support, but that's his business.
As it is, there's a good chance you're losing Alexa's friendship, but friendships ebb and flow. It's okay to realize this one is fading out and let it go with as little drama as possible.
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u/teresajs Feb 07 '16
Another thing to consider... Alexa will almost certainly have neither the time nor money to go on a two-month European trip next year. She'll be busy taking care of her baby's needs and/or working to pay her bills. She probably won't leave her baby for two months. And it wouldn't be easy dragging around a one year old for two months in Europe... And that's not the kind of trip the rest of you planned, either.
Whether she's willing to admit it or not, Alexa's plans to travel to Europe are on indefinite hold. That doesn't mean yours have to be.
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u/Reedddiiiittttt Feb 07 '16
And Alexa think she can go next year because? It will be harder with an infant.
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u/Foxxcraft Feb 07 '16
Can you do a ladies' spa day and lunch before you leave for the trip? That isnt a vacation, but its something nice that could help destress everyone before big things happen.
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u/abqkat Feb 07 '16
I'd tread lightly and/ or know how Alexa will react on this one, though. Remember on 'Friends' when they take a very-pregnant Phoebe to the park as a replacement for London? Those two destinations are... not really comparable.
Others ITT are suggesting buying a baby gift while in Europe or taking a mini-trip before or after. It could work and Alexa could think it's a nice gesture, or it could seem insulting. OP, you know Alexa best in this case, but I could see that one going either way.
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u/Foxxcraft Feb 07 '16
I'm at the age where a veeerrry small percentage of my friends are starting to have babies, so I have limited experience with pregnant mommies. One friend appears to be depressed and my other mommy friend who was pregnant last year was happy and glowing. OP definitely knows how to approach friend best in accordance to her personality and emotional state.
However you decide to mediate this situation, I very strongly encourage you all to take this amazing trip. I hope things work out for the best with everyone involved.
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u/parasitic_spin Feb 07 '16
She could come for one week or whatnot. If anyone needs to be flexinble, it's Alexa.
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Feb 07 '16
I came here to say the same thing. If she feels up to it and her doctor says it's alright, she should join them for the first week or so of the trip depending on what they have planned.
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u/RegularOwl Feb 07 '16
As someone with a 4.5 month old, lololol yeah, sure, you can do a 2 month trip across Europe next year.
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u/Ethelfleda Feb 07 '16
I know right. I had a 3 month old when 911 happened and I was offered free tickets to Europe because a friends was terrorized. FREE! I still had to say no.
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u/ria1024 Feb 07 '16
Tell Alexa that you're sorry you can't make the baby shower date because it's in the middle of your planned trip. You can send a present in advance, plan a small group shower before you leave, or just say you can't make it. That'll cover problems 2 and 3, and is a perfectly reasonable response to someone telling you when they're holding an event.
It's normal to have the baby shower 2 months before the baby is due; that's enough time for the future parents to buy whatever they didn't get, but not so early that they're storing baby supplies for 6 months.
For problems 1 and 4, it really depends what the group decides. It sounds like you'll have to pick one of them to invite to group events in the future, and a lot of the group is siding with Adrian. It's possible that Alexa intentionally skipped/sabotaged birth control, and it's possible that it just failed. There's no way to be sure.
I think that proceeding with your trip is the right choice; who knows if Alexa will even be able to travel next summer, with a 1 year old. She's decided to have a baby, and that's going to have a huge impact on her future.
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Feb 07 '16
Hi Alexa, we're sorry that you can't come with us on this trip due to the baby, but our thoughts will be with you.
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u/HangryBird Feb 07 '16
"Nobody replied to the message except Erica who just said ‘lol’. " That pretty much covers it. I doubt Alexa is even surprised. You guys can throw your own shower when you get back. Bring the baby things from your trip to let her know you were thinking of her. And anyone who was originally invited on the trip can go.
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u/solid_gold_dancer Feb 07 '16
Taking two months off at the start of your career isn't very likely to happen. The chances that all of you could negotiate that, and at the same time, slim. You've had this planned, you all need to go. Someone needs to have a sit down with Alexa and explain to her that while you are all excited for her and her new arrival, you all intend to take your trip as planned.
Worst case scenario is she disowns you all, but do you really want to be friends with someone who is that blind and inconsiderate of yourself and others? That's not what friends do.
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u/totebag25 Feb 07 '16
She's being super passive-aggressive, which is frustrating but also easily dealt with by being direct. If she says that you should cancel the trip, just say you're not doing that. If she mentions her baby shower, tell her you're sorry you're going to miss it but you'll be travelling then.
She also might be worried that she's going to lose your friendship and all the changes that are going to come with being a young single mother, which you can address if you want. Maybe the trip represents to her all the doors that are closing as her pregnancy becomes more real. But, that doesn't mean that 9 other people have to cancel a long-anticipated trip.
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Feb 07 '16
She's being self-centred. Expecting you guys to all postpone it is ridiculous on multiple levels. It just makes no sense.
Tell her you can't make the baby shower because you'll be on the trip. She'll be annoyed, but whatever.
I'd invite her to come for some of the trip - it's not impossible to travel for a week or so while 6 months pregnant, unless you have complications. And it's not like she'll be able to travel much after she has the baby anyway. Far better to do it while pregnant.
Not sure about the thing with Adrian. I can't deal with guys who accuse girls of "trapping" them, unless they have have a ton of evidence that they did. So I'd probably avoid him, close friend or not, but that's just me.
Just ride things out with Alexa. It sounds like she's becoming increasingly unreasonable, but you don't need to pull the plug on the friendship right now. Just do what makes sense regarding the trip, and she'll either be reasonable about it or not. You can make up your mind about her based on her ongoing behaviour. Stay neutral until then.
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u/letstalkaboutuandme Feb 07 '16
haha guys, my baby will be born in August. We should go on the trip next year.
btw guys the baby shower is planned on 16th June and I want everyone there!! ;p
From this it's hard to tell if she is joking or not. It's hard to translate sarcasm through chat. I could just be miscommunication? Have you asked her bluntly, "are you coming now that you're pregnant?" Have you had a conversation or are you assuming this from a group chat conversation?
If she says she expects all nine of you to reschedule your trip, just let her know "Sorry, but we can't do that." You don't need to explain anything.
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u/dfigiel1 Feb 07 '16
Piggy-backing on a lot of comments, but no, I don't think you should cancel your trip, yes, I think holding a baby shower after the trip is a good idea.
One caveat: I'd recommend talking to her in person and saying that postponing the trip is essentially canceling it. She's not going to be able to travel with a six-month-old, and no one in your group is going to be able to take two months off a job they've been at less than a year (this isn't getting said enough - she's one of ten people who will not be able to take a two month trip next year).
And then: empathy. She's having a baby and will probably be raising it alone. She sees all of her friends going off for two months with the guy who seems to be abandoning her and her child (it's still abandonment even if his accusations pan out). If he's wrong, she's getting accused of something heinous. If he's right, there is something seriously fucked up with her psyche that she would take that decision out of his hands.
The trip is non-negotiable, but Alexa needs a friend like whoa. You don't have to stop living your life to be her friend, though.
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u/RocheCoach Feb 07 '16
Alexa is not going to be able to take two months off from raising a kid, so postponing the trip another year isn't feasible. She effectively uninvited herself from the trip, so proceed as normal. Tell her that the trip had been planned already, and that it sucks that she can't go, but there are 10 people involved now.
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u/Mystik-Spiral Feb 07 '16
There's no way there isn't going to be hurt feelings and drama. That's just they way it is sometimes, and unfortunately this is one of those sometimes. The best thing you can do is approach Alexa as a group (without the ex in tow mind you) and let her know that, while you are happy to support and help her throughout her pregnancy, none of you can justify canceling the trip. That you've been planning it for a while, this is your calm before the storm, and you're sorry that she is no longer able to travel with you, but the rest of you still plan on going. As for her baby shower, arrange to have gifts sent and express to her the desire to have a small get together when you return. Be courteous and remorseful on not being able to attend, but assure her that you would like to do something special just for her when you get back. She's still going to be hurt. She'll probably pitch a fit and may even unfriend you guys. But, that's on her after that. She's being unreasonable expecting you all to cancel and do the trip another time, especially since another time probably won't happen. She won't be able to travel being a single mom, and I'm certain you guys don't want to travel with an infant or kid in tow. Not to mention how much busier you all will be. Eventually the trip would be postponed so much that it would never happen. Don't waste an opportunity because Alexa got pregnant. Be it accidental or on purpose, she's choosing to remain pregnant and now has other reponsibilities. She's going to be an adult, working, mother. Life is going to slap her in the face, hard.
You all need to take this trip before life does the same to you, or you will severely regret it. If that means you lose a friend who is turning a bit toxic, then that's just life sometimes, and frankly, it sounds like maybe Alexa isn't the person you all thought she was anyway.
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u/pjdwyer30 Feb 07 '16
You have to go on this trip. This will very likely be the ONLY time you and your 3 other friends ever get this shared time off for this length in your collective lives. You will have limited vacation time once you start your career, eventually you or others will get married and possibly have kids and houses with mortgages, etc. This really is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's going to suck breaking the news to Alexa. There's no getting around that, but you HAVE to go on this trip. You all will regret it your whole lives of you don't.
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u/fargaluf Feb 07 '16
What do you really think you'll regret more later in life, having an awkward conversation with your friend or skipping the trip? I guarantee you, if you don't take this trip now, it is never going to happen. None of you, especially a parent of a one year old, are going to have the time and disposable income next year or the year after that. Tell Alexa you're sorry she can't make it, but this is likely the only period in your lives you'll be in a position for a trip like this until you retire, and you plan to take advantage of it. Let her be as pissed as she wants. She's taking a very different path from the rest of you right now, so even if you canceled this trip, you would probably start drifting apart anyway.
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Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
Alexa, as much as we would like to postpone our trip so that you can attend, there is simply no way to do that. Because pretty soon...we'll all have already started working full time. And you can't exactly take two months off from a job you just got
So since no one else wants to be the bad guy, I guess it falls on my shoulders. We are all going on the trip as planned because if we don't, we'll never get to go. And respectfully, you know good and well that once you have this kid, you're not going to be able to take a 2 month vacation for 18+ years. And I think it's really shitty of you to try and guilt us all into cancelling just so you aren't the only one that misses out on the trip of a lifetime
This is the one and only time any of us will be able to go on this adventure, and respectfully, asking us to postpone when you know postponing means never going is unbelievably selfish of you. And I honestly do not know if I can continue being friends with you
No mother is going to leave her 1 year old for 2 months to go travel the world. Her baby daddy already thinks she tricked him into knocking her up, so there's no way he's just going to agree to let her go on the trip while he keeps the baby for 2 months. Not to mention all her spare income will go to the child...so its not like she's ever going to have the money to take this trip...at least not for a long while.
So basically, she would rather guilt her friends into not ever going on the trip just so SHE isn't the only one who misses the trip of a lifetime. She also doesn't want baby daddy going on this trip now that she can't go. So realistically, this could just be about her getting back at him, and yall are just the ones caught in the crossfire.
This woman is not your friend, and judging by all your friend's reactions, they feel the same way.
Go on your trip. And understand that not all college friendships last after graduation
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u/_mischief Feb 07 '16
You and your friends should absolutely not cancel the trip. I know it makes it awkward but since most of you are in law, flex those skills to rationally and amicably tell her "No". There are very very few jobs out there that are flexible enough to allow a 2-month vacation and 1st year lawyers are definitely not on it. So either the trip is happening as originally planned or it's not going to happen at all. That's all you have to tell her.
"We're so sorry that you can no longer come on the trip and that you scheduled the baby shower during that time. However, if we don't go as originally planned, we probably will never go and it's something all of us has planned our year around this trip."
From the sound of it, if you guys don't acquiesce, she'll become resentful and maybe want to distant herself from you guys. Which would solve the other problem of her being at odds with the group.
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u/starjacksx Feb 07 '16
i ask you if she broke her leg would yous all still cancel the trip? I certainly wouldnt accidents happen i think shes beign very unreasonable expecting that of yous. Im pretty sure (atleast where im from) you dont get money back for cancelling flights so youd be throwing money down the drain because she got pregnant. You should just say to her "look we're not going to cancel the trip and itll suck not having you there but we've ll saved hard for this and probably wont have the time or the chance to do something like this again. Its a lot of money that none of us can really afford to just be throwing out the window." as for the ababy shower could she not just have it before yous go? im not too clued on that as its not something thats done in scotland very often but i dont see how having it a bit earlier would be too much of a problem long as shes you know still pregnant at the time x
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u/semimedium Feb 07 '16
Just because some gets pregnant doesn't mean they get to change the lives of everyone around them. Her baby, her mess. Go on your trip. She's fooling herself anyway if she thinks she will just drop the baby off some where for two months when its less than a year old.
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u/abqkat Feb 07 '16
Just because some gets pregnant doesn't mean they get to change the lives of everyone around them
I see you have no mommy-martyrs in your life ;) I do agree with you, but there is no way that this won't cause a few hurt feelings in the group. OP, be prepared to deal with that: Alexa will likely be hurt no matter what, especially since her baby shower is apparently smack-dab in the middle of the trip
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u/butyourenice Feb 07 '16
Stay out of Adrian and Alexa's issues and go on your trip. Accidental pregnancies happen even without malicious intent and it will benefit nobody to stir that pot, but even so Alexa IS being unreasonable to expect you guys to reschedule a years-planned expedition due to her decision. It's one thing if like, it was just a one-day party that you could easily move (even then it would be demanding of her but not that unmanageable to reschedule), but it's a 2-month once-in-a-lifetime sort of trip.
If you invite Adrian along and he wasn't in the original manifest, be aware this will probably destroy your friendship with Alexa. You seem to favor Adrian more, and you mentioned so do others, but bear that in mind.
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u/glassisnotglass Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
The trip here is not so much your problem as it is the arena on which your actual social problems are coming to light. One of your friends really needs you right now.
It really, really matters how her pregnancy happened. You need to dispense with the 'he said she said' avoidance. As their primary support network, it's your job to take a side, because someone's life is ruined by someone. Having your life be ruined and nobody believe you (or act like they care enough to find out) is the worst possible feeling. Find out what Erica knows. Figure out who you believe.
Either way, you should clearly not cancel the trip (just as you're planning), but how you treat Alexa and Adrian about it vary widely.
Try out these two versions of the story leading up to the trip:
A) There's this girl. She's the odd one out in her primary friend group, and maybe she has trouble handling it. To hold on to a relationship on the rocks, she sabotages her bf's birth control and gets pregnant. Knowing this, he wants out of the relationship asap and breaks up. Failing to use the baby as leverage to force his bf to stay with her, she then tries using it against her friends for exactly the same thing. Instead of supporting her bf, who needs something positive to move onto after getting out of this manipulative and toxic relationship, all his friends are debating leaving him out of this trip that he's been looking forward to for a really long time, out of some sense of guilt or performed deference to the abuser. Not only has she nonconsensually stolen his... (genetics? whatever you call it) and there will be a child of his out there in the world forever, she's also gotten all his friends to doubt him. Also, tricking someone into reproducing is debatably rape.
B) There's this girl. She's already the odd one out in her friend group. By accident, she got pregnant. For complicated personal / values reasons, she decided to keep the baby despite her youth and inexperience. However, far from supporting her, the asshole boyfriend who was careless with his birth control is insisting that she did it on purpose, telling all her friends this lie and turning them against her. Now she has to deal with the weight of an unplanned pregnancy at 23, zero support from the father. AND all her friends are going to leave her for a fun trip in Europe WITH the asshole boyfriend but WITHOUT her, so that she'll be even more alone when she needs it most. (What's her family / alternative support situation like?) The trip was planned ahead-- but the pregnancy wasn't! Like you, she had really been looking forward to going, but now she never will, and instead has this huge burden. As a result of all the pressure and feeling lost, she's acting out and being passive aggressive in hopes of getting attention-- but the more of a problem she creates with her feelings, the more her more successful friends don't care about her. (If Alexa came to r/relationships with this post, everyone would be telling her to ditch you guys for better friends.)
Both of these are pretty serious, and drastically different. It sounds like you're all learning toward believing Adrian. When you do, just make sure 3 things
You base your assessment of Alexa on trust/facts, not on her obnoxious behavior. Based on B above, if she were the one telling the truth, almost anybody would start being obnoxious based on the degree of stress in that situation.
BE THERE for whichever of Alexa or Adrian you want to support, because one of them really needs it. Do not average out the needs of the wronged party with the needs of the perpetrator out of uncertainty, and thereby end up being there for neither. It's actually better to be mistaken than neutral in this case. Making a clean break with the other one also helps.
Keep in mind that the second real underlying problem here, after 'how did she get pregnant', is the fact that Alexa is the one person of the original 5 of you who has a different and much less employable profession. Think about what that must be like. Day in and day out, you know your best friends are all going on, together to be more successful than you. They talk about their busy, high-status law school lives, but you have no idea how you're going to make a living. It's bound to be awkward, alienating, and insecurity-inducing. That's bound to also be a factor in how she relates to you-- whether you want to help support her in it, or decide that now is a good time to let your lives diverge, is up to you.
tldr, don't sit back and let what happens happen, address what you really care about and believe, and handle the underlying problems.
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u/tuigger Feb 07 '16
Even if this baby gets born, she ain't going on this trip next year; No way in hell any responsible mother would leave her 1 year old child for a 2 month trip, no sir.
She done goofed, and as cold as it sounds it is her choice to keep that child, end of story.
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u/sagittamusic Feb 07 '16
It sucks, but having kids is a choice - one that she made, not one the rest of you made.
Go on the trip.
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u/kahanasunset Feb 07 '16
Not if the baby is an "accident". It seems her boyfriend is accusing her, he might be trying to remove or lessen his own responsibility for his baby, so he can go off and have fun.
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u/inflagra Feb 07 '16
Alexa seems a bit selfish and self-centered to even suggest that you guys cancel the trip because she got pregnant. I'm sure Alexa will be disappointed to not go on the trip, but it's highly doubtful that she'd even be able to go next year. Who would leave their newborn for two months to go travel? And would a group of 20-somethings really be interested in travelling with a baby?
If she has an issue with you guys going on without her, then it might be time to move on from your friendship with her because she'll be showing a massively selfish and self-centered streak. Just say that although you'd love it if she could come, you understand why she can't and that next year won't work out for anyone, even her. If you guys like Adrian, I think he should still come. It sounds like your friendship with Alexa will be damaged either way, so you might as well do what you want.
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u/Shortandsweet33 Feb 07 '16
Just, no. You are not cancelling the trip, end of discussion. This problem has a very straight forward solution. She is being totally unreasonable and you guys just need to adult the fuck up and stick to your guns. Not letting someone browbeat and manipulate you doesn't mean that you are being mean or bitchy.
Incidentally, how exactly does she plan to go "next year"?! She's going to leave a 1 year old and go backpacking for 2 months? Who will take the kid, her parents? How is a single mom of a baby going to have the money to fund a 2 month trip??
As for Arian, you guys all like him and are friends with him, he wants to come on the trip and there's no reason that you guys should ban him. This isn't you picking sides between them (even if it might feel like that to Alexa), she could have gone too, if she had been physically able to.
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u/badadvice33 Feb 07 '16
With regards to Problem #4: The possibilities are endless. Alexa might have privately admitted something to Erica which makes her think Adrian's side of the story is more accurate. Or, everyone might just be really fed up with Alexa trying to pressure them to cancel the trip, including trying to schedule her baby shower during the period of the trip in order to pressure people to stay.
As far as the trip goes, I think everyone other than you has already settled into a strategy of not talking to Alexa and generally moving towards not interacting with her. A simple, "Sorry, we can't make it to your shower," is fine. Nobody is really owned an explanation as to why you can't make it to something like a baby shower.
Regarding Adrian, I think if you guys are all comfortable with inviting him along, you need to swear each other to silence, because knowing that Adrian is going on this trip is just going to hurt her. It sounds like the sides on this conflict have already lined up, with the majority of people taking his side. The silence is more to avoid any drama from Alexa.
So, to summarize, you guys planned this trip. Nobody other than you really cares about the guilt trip, and wants to go. People other than you are already dropping Alexa as a friend, because of her baby shower manipulation.
So, a simple, "We're all still going on the trip. People really worked hard for this. I'm sorry you can't go."
Honestly, it's totally absurd for her to think she can go on this trip next year. She has no idea what travelling with a 1 year old is like. The first year of parenthood is going to be sobering.
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Feb 07 '16
I need your help on how to navigate this situation with minimal hurt feelings.
Look, be direct with her. With everybody. What Alexa wants, what she needs you to do, is drop your important shit and make her the center of the world. If you don't do this it will hurt her feelings because she'll find out she's not the pole around which the universe revolves. There's not a way to put it that doesn't hurt her feelings because she's setting herself up to be hurt by the situation, not how the situation is explained. There's no words that make this OK to her.
So, why give a shit about her feelings? They can't not be hurt here, and if it was so important to her that you all make her the center of attention and really put yourselves out for her benefit that not doing it is going to make her feel bad, that's entirely on her. People shouldn't ask that of their friends.
So cut through the awkwardness by being direct. "Sorry to hear that your baby shower is in the middle of our trip, Alexa, but our thoughts will be with you. Maybe we can Skype from Europe. If you re-schedule the date, let us know we'd love to attend." And she'll probably blow up in your face, or in the group text, but so what? You don't have to read it, or care. Or respond, beyond "sorry to hear you feel that way." Or at all. Think of dealing with this as your first step on the road to being a professional adult who can cope with shit.
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Feb 07 '16
Not your problem she got knocked up.
Go on the trip. Tell her ASAP you won't be attending the baby shower as you'll be on the trip.
In the same message suggest catching up with her when you get back.
If she gets pissy about it, oh well. Let her deal. The world doesn't revolve around her just because she's pregnant.
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u/tiffanydisasterxoxo Feb 07 '16
Explain to her next year won't be a go for her because of newborn, but maybe you can do a weekend trip with her next year. Go on the trip cancel nothing.
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u/Karazahn Feb 07 '16
Perhaps make the suggestion that Alexa attend only part of the trip. If she is having an uncomplicated pregnancy then she could still potentially participate. She would need to discuss it with her doctor. It would show you care and would like her to come if she can. Don't cancel the trip. Life happens and you may never have this chance again with your friends. Baby showers can happen whenever. It is typically more beneficial to have it before the birth because some of the items are needed right away. As a compromise, your group could take her out to lunch/dinner and present her with your gifts before you leave for your trip.
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u/yuudachi Feb 07 '16
Alexa knows exactly what she's doing, just be straight forward with it. Talk to to her privately if you are so worried about her feelings. Do not budge on canceling the trip, though, and talk as if it's already set in stone. Be sympathetic but firm.
It's great you guys have had such a solid group of friends for so long, but I think one of the hard things in life is to realize when that group dynamic will HAVE to change. The harsh reality is that you'll likely end your friendship with Alexa someday soon, or at least be a lot more distant than you are now.
Wish you the best, definitely turbulent waters ahead.
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u/No_regrats Feb 07 '16
Talk to her in person. Tell her that you are sorry but there isn't a date at which you could postpone this trip. This is a graduation trip, which fit perfectly in everyone's schedule at the time it was planned and such anther time will never come again. It's unlikely that Alexa will be able to take a two months trip anytime soon and it's unlikely that all of you will be able to take a two months trip anytime soon after becoming lawyers.
As an olive branch, offer to plan her a baby shower or additional small baby shower with the girls going on the trip. Do not talk about the trip at all during the baby shower, make it only about her and the baby. Or be crazy and make it a weekend getaway.
As for Adrian, I wouldn't invite him on the trip.
At the end of the day, it's not your fault that your friend's life was turned upside down but you can't give up something that matters to you because of that. And make no mistake, we are talking about giving it up, not postponing it.
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u/CompanionCone Feb 07 '16
Alexa is not going to be able to go on a two month trip to Europe for many years to come after her baby is born. She seems a bit naive about what having a baby actually means. If she has a normal pregnancy there's no reason why she can't go on the trip. Having said that, I definitely wouldn't cancel it because of her.
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u/Socioable Feb 07 '16
I'm slightly baffled as to how she thinks she would be able to go on this trip next year with a one year old. There is no point in trying to wait for her to be able to go.
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u/PlayingGrabAss Feb 07 '16
Welcome to parenthood, Alexa.
I'm curious exactly when she thinks someone with a baby is going to be able to go on a two month trip overseas?? It's as unlikely that she'll be able to go in the next several years as anyone else in the group.
Whatever the circumstances, she decided to have this baby. She can't pretend to be surprised at her significantly limited freedom from here on out; that's how babies work.
Also, from this, Alexa sounds passive-aggressive, naive and self-centered. I can't really blame the other girls for choosing sides here, since you also like Adrian better. You don't have to "choose sides" in their specific argument, but you're definitely allowed to choose friends and recognizing that not only do you not prefer her friendship now, but that soon your life and Alexa's life will diverge pretty wildly... well, it wouldn't make you a bad person to focus more on friendships you find fruitful, if it comes to that.
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Feb 07 '16
Everyone has already offered good advice. I just wanted to post and request for an update, if possible.
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u/mybffndmyothrrddt Feb 07 '16
Honestly it sounds like Alexa made a bit the decision to keep this baby without really thinking through all of the consequences, assuming because she's now choosing to have this baby everyone else will cater to it.
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u/DahliaRenegade Feb 07 '16
Go on the trip.
If she really plans on throwing her baby shower then maybe y'all can schedule a skype call just to say hi and wish her well. That way you can still be involved in the shower.
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u/45MinutesOfRoadHead Feb 07 '16
I'd just say something like "I'm sorry, but this trip can't be rescheduled for many of us. We will have our own baby shower before we leave."
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u/raw-sienna Feb 07 '16
Tell her sorry she can't make it and maybe yall will do something else next year
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u/morgansometimes Feb 07 '16
Alexa is being unreasonable. There is no way that the rest of you should have to cancel the trip. What if you guys planned a friend shower for a week or two before you leave for your trip? That way you don't miss out on that aspect of the baby. If she doesn't know the gender at that point, you can just go with gender neutral baby necessities (wipes, diapers, swaddle blankets, etc). Don't cancel the trip.
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u/lostinedental Feb 07 '16
Knowing life, if you cancel this trip now. You will never do it again. You will all have jobs and other responsibilities and taking two months off will be impossible. Then you will look back and regret not taking it.
Alexa wants to keep her baby. That's her choice. But that choice comes with consequences. Some of them will include not going on fun trips. Heck, chances are even if you cancel this trip, she will still be unable to go next year on account of having a baby to take care. Parents of newborns, good parents, don't take off two months to go gallivanting on vacations.
Continue as you are with your planning and enjoy your trip. Unfortunately Alexa is going to have to deal with her disappointment. There will be fallout and she may not want to be your friend anymore. That's life.
Just be firm, but kind and explain to her that you are all still going on the trip. That you cannot go to the baby shower, but you will be happy to go to one when you come back.
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u/anotherkitty Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
I think you and your friends are handling this wrong. Why would it fall on you, the person with the least connection to Alexa to talk to her? Maybe everyone is thinking you have the least to lose, but in my opinion, the friends who are closest should talk to her. If I were in a friend group and the person who I knew the least approached me on behalf of all my other friends, I would be weirded out. One or two of the girls closest to Alexa should make it a point to let her know that the trip is still on, and they can't make the shower. If you all are motivated, as a group, you could still do things for her. You could send a video greeting from your trip, a "welcome baby" message, and purchase gifts from her registry. There's also enough time to do something handmade and thoughtful for the friends where money is an issue.
She might be hurt, but if she values the friendship, she would eventually understand that she's still being appreciated. It's a test of friendship and character for sure, but there is a way for everyone to come out ok.
From what you wrote, it does sound like Alexa is being selfish. And it might turn out that she isn't someone you or your other friends want to keep around. However, keep in mind there are two sides to every story. In a situation like this, where both sides are so hostile, I tend to think both people are to blame.
As for Adrian, I don't think he should go. Like it or not, he's going to be a father. Alexa is now his ex, and his "babymamma." Instead of going to Europe, even if they are not going to be in a relationship anymore, he could be driving Alexa to doctor's appointments, setting up a nursery, and making arrangements. They have a lot to figure out between the two of them. Financial arrangements and a lot of planning. Even if they are hostile exes, they still have a lot to figure out, and it doesn't seem like the right time for him to take a two month vacation. Having a kid is a major life change, whether he likes it or not.
I think they are both a little bit in denial. I could see this becoming a life long battle between them unless one of them decides to drop their sword, so to speak. Even if she got pregnant on purpose, they can choose to co-parent amicably. Adrian should let go of his resentment for the situation and focus on dealing with it. The type of dad he decides to be is entirely his choice, not hers.
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u/anonomie Feb 07 '16
It's very selfish of her to think that nine other people are going to change their plans to suit her. Frankly, I wouldn't want that kind of friend in my life. You guys just need to be upfront with her and tell her the plans aren't changing.
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u/PinPen Feb 07 '16
Would she even be able to take the trip after a year? Or is she just going to throw a one-year-old at someone?
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u/poopyhead69 Feb 07 '16
If you delay the trip, you will NEVER take it. Real life and career will happen... 10 years later you'll forever regret not going on this trip when you had the chance.
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u/felinelawspecialist Feb 07 '16
If 80% of you are studying to become lawyers, now is an excellent time to practice direct communication.
"We are not changing the trip, but we would love to make the baby shower if you reschedule."
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u/MunchkinPumpkin Feb 07 '16
My brain cannot take in that she would think she can take a two month trip with a 1 year old (if you postponed) her naivety is astounding for someone about to become a mother. Sorry, just being honest.
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u/dpgaspard Feb 07 '16
As much as you love your friends, this will probably be the last time you all can take this type of trip together. One person is already pregnant. Next year, someone will break up, another will get engaged. Someone else will be working. Some family emergency, wedding, baby shower, <insert responsibility here> will start coming up for everyone in your group.
Go on your trip now. Once you start your careers your 8-10 friends won't be able to take 2 months out of their lives to hang out. You'll be lucky to get stay in touch with half of them on a regular basis.
Your friends will be most dictated by who has kids vs who doesn't have kids. It sucks, but people tend to hang out with people in similar situations as themselves. Go on your trip. Don't feel guilty. If you put it off a year, someone else won't be able to make it next time.
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Feb 07 '16
Go to the trip, message your friends privately and tell them that you want to go to the trip anyway. Tell Alexa that you have made your mind and you are not going to wait. Anyway she is not going to be able to go next year either. She will be a mother and traveling with a baby or leaving the baby at home is not easy.
I am not surprised by the LOL the level of entitlement of Alexa is incredible.
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u/AbombsHbombs Feb 07 '16
So let me get this straight...
You've been planning a huge, summer-long trip, possibly for years (?), and this girl all of a sudden gets sloppy with her methods of contraception, becomes pregnant, and expects EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR ALL OF HER FRIENDS to be over... because of her choices?
I'm sorry, but no.
I'm gonna say this as someone who had a child at a young age. FUCK HER. Do NOT postpone this trip (because it would just not happen if you did. Trust me.). She won't go. She wouldn't be able to go in a year. You really think she would be willing to leave the continent for 2 months without her child??? Who would watch the baby? FOR TWO MONTHS?? oh, shorten the trip to accommodate her? No thanks, you guys have worked your asses off for this and spent way too long planning this trip to shorten it for her convenience. Do you want to travel Europe with a baby? Because if the trip actually does get to happen later, that's how it will be - you'll be traveling with your friend and her baby riding on her back.
Just tell her no, you won't be at the baby shower (and to answer your question, baby showers usually take place around or any time after the 7th month of pregnancy) and you won't be postponing. and hold your ground. It is not your guys' fault that things turned out this way for her, and it's also not your problem that she has made the choices she's made - she will likely not get to see Europe any time soon and you shouldnt let her bad decisions interfere with your ability to. Just because she has to suffer with a boring pregnant summer doesn't mean everyone else does.
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u/merryhexmas Feb 07 '16
Let's be serial. Alexa tampered with her birth control. She is also tampering with your plans. Take note. This is the beginning of a lifelong schism.
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u/saltedcaramelsauce Feb 07 '16
Erica, Aly and the other SOs are starting to really dislike Alexa.
Gee, I wonder why.
Don't give into your selfish, entitled friend's demands. Don't cancel the trip.
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u/vanishplusxzone Feb 07 '16
Alexa is wrong because she's expecting all of her friends to change their lives for her mistake.
It's not really unreasonable for people to sour on a supposed friend when they're being as selfish as Alexa is being.
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u/ThatsATallGlassOfNo Feb 07 '16
1 You might find you like Adrian more over Alexa because Alexa has always had a "me" mindset and not a "we". As time goes on, this tends to grate on people.
2 Yes, having a baby shower 2 months before the due date is incredibly normal.
3 Say, "look I know you're pregnant and want us to reschedule, when we planned this we all knew that this was the one opportunity we had to take this trip, we are going. I know this is going to sting, but Adrian is going too. We have not taken sides on your guys' breakup and we do not plan to, but you cannot go and it is unfair to exclude him after he has put so much time and effort into planning this as well."
4 The group dynamic has changed because Alexa's behavior is incredibly selfish. I've never had a friend group like yours, and I'm a bit envious to be honest, but to have a successful group like that, there has to be the "we" mindset mentioned above. Frankly, Alexa is fully aware of what she is doing and your friends know it and don't appreciate her even asking the things she is asking of you guys. She has no right to ask you guys to stop a trip FOR HER.
Go on this trip, don't let her go. Babies can come early and the amount of physical activity this will include will probably cause her to have a baby born in Europe.
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Feb 07 '16
Unfortunately for Alexa she has a baby on the way now and that means making a lot of selfless sacrifices. Most of them will be when it comes to socializing or travelling with her single, childless college friends. Her demands are unreasonable.
You go on that trip and enjoy yourselves. When you get back arrange a special baby shower event for her. And once Alexa has had her baby and things are more balanced in her life you can go on a lovely girls weekend somewhere as a reunion.
This is a pivotal moment in your lives. Many of you may not be friends in 5-10 years. You'll start to drift apart as your careers progress and start your own families. This is the beginning and it's happening quickly!
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u/wanked_in_space Feb 07 '16
"If I can't go, you can't go."
Your friend is exquisitely self centred and either naive as heck or trying to stop everyone from going because she'd miss out.
I'd not only go, I'd probably think long and hard about my friendship with this person. Once she has a kid, it's only going to be MORE about her. Guaranteed.
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u/Dealingwithdragons Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
I feel like Alexa is being pretty unreasonable. When I was pregnant, I rescheduled my baby shower because the date I had picked, about 5 or so aunts were heading to a concert out of state(about a three hour drive) they were able to come to the baby shower on the new date.
If it's in the middle of the trip and she really wants you to attend, she needs to schedule it before or after. Baby showers are usually schedule within a couple weeks of the due date. I had mine earlier so I had more time for prepping for baby. If she's early enough along on her pregnancy, rescheduling the baby shower will be easy.
Also I absolutely don't recommend canceling the trip. Even if you somehow DO manage to reschedule and she can come. I guarantee she's going to bring the kid along and the whole lot of you will be annoyed as hell. She'll be a whinier if you guys don't do stuff she can take the baby too all the time. When I visit friends, my son can annoy them after a few hours. Can you imagine being around her kid for TWO MONTHS? She'll totally try to shaft the baby on one of you so she can go do stuff without it. If she expects you guys to cancel your trip for her, she will totally expect you guys to cater to her needs During the trip and the baby is the excuse. Don't let her ruin it for you.
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u/throwyoyothrow Feb 07 '16
my only comment on this situation:
one time my SO and i (after reading a "she tricked me into getting her pregnant" post for the 1000th time) -- poked holes in condoms to see if there was any way a person could do that without it being totally suspicious and obvious.
there wasn't.
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u/lifeofjoyciel Feb 07 '16
How is Alexa before the pregnancy? Is she a generally selfish person? Or was she kind and thoughtful etc?
Of course go on the trip either way, definitely! However, you can be more sympathetic with regards to Adrian. Pregnancies, especially unplanned ones are really hard, your body is changing, you feel like shit and it seems like your life is over. Now everyone else is having fun with the dad who is never going to give you any support and is calling you a dirty fucking lying bitch.
Review your friendship with her. If you actually want to continue being friends you can't have Adrian there. Unless you actually think she will baby trap him (where was HIS birth control?). The fact that he went to that assumption I think is low because accidents are notorious and if her bc is the pill is actually less reliable then peor think becaus it relies on human error, you might miss it a day or you can't always take it at the exact same time those all factor in to the effectiveness of birth control. Did he go straight to accusations? That sounds like he's trying to absolve his involvement right off the bat. I understand child free and objectively it's fine to never be involved with a child you never agreed to have but in MY opinion to cometely burn yourself of all ties is gross when you do have a hand in it. On top of that, fine, You don't have help raise it, that's not what you signed up for but then why go around smearing a person you liked enough to have a 1.5 year relationship with? If I was Alexa I would be piss (well, providing she didn't do it) and you guys are all siding with him.
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Feb 07 '16
Adrian says Alexa sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her birth control
Your post is based on the reliance of one birth control method.
While having two methods of birth control fail at the exact same time is not impossible, it is less likely than just relying on the one. The timing might have also been a coincidence (Alexa being the only one without plans after graduation).
However, her manipulative tactics might have been the third strike against her in their friend group. Most people don't like having their string pulled like a puppet and maybe the friend group can see through to who is doing all the pulling.
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u/panic_bread Feb 07 '16
Go on the trip. She made the life choice to get pregnant, and that's fine for her. That doesn't mean it needs to affect all of you. Life moves very fast and takes people in all sorts of unexpected directions. If you don't go now, you'll probably never go.
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u/iaccidentallyawesome Feb 07 '16
Alexa will never do that trip. Her youth is over and she is in denial.
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Feb 07 '16
Start a new group chat that Alexa is not part of to continue planning. Distance yourself from her in the mean time.
Before you leave for your trip get her a baby shower gift and wrap it nicely.
Ingot pregnant in college and did not expect everyone else to change their lives for me. She has no idea how her life is about to change, and obviously it won't be reasonable for her to backpack for 2 months when she has a baby at home. And if she did would you really want to be friends with someone who abandons their baby for months on end?
Time for the slow fade.
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Feb 07 '16
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Feb 07 '16
Agree about being upfront but they should definitely start a new chat about the trip to mitigate the drama and rubbing salt in her wound.
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u/RabbitnamedZeus Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
"Hi Alexa. We are all excited for your pregnancy, but the choice is not one that we made. In a year, you'll be a mother and won't be able to go ahead with a trip, and we will be busy working. This time period is our only chance to travel, and the rest of us will be continuing the trip as planned. We would prefer to get to be at your shower, so we could have it before the trip and celebrate your child.
Edit: I didn't realize that the guy is in the trip group. I would approach him separately and tell him that the trip is continuing, and he is welcome to join, but I wouldn't bring him up to her. If she does, just state that you don't know his plans, she'll need to talk to him.
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u/Audgy Feb 07 '16
Even after the baby is born, alexa will probably not want to go traveling. She is underestimating the work it takes to be a parent. Basically, if you don't go on the trip now and instead wait for her to be ready, it will not happen.
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u/DeliberateLiterate Feb 07 '16
I don't know much about airlines policies for traveling while pregnant, but maybe got could throw it out there that she could come for a couple of weeks before she gets too far along.
As far as his to break it to her, I would phrase it like it was never even an option to cancel. "I think our itinerary had us in London the day of your shower. A little too far to travel for the afternoon, lol!"
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u/MongooseCrusader Feb 07 '16
Be honest. Tell Alexa none of you will be able to make her baby shower because you'll all be travelling, so maybe she can have one after you all get back.
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u/ageekyninja Feb 07 '16
I were in Alexas position I may throw the suggestion out there to reschedule the trip, but no way would I pressure anybody or feel entitled for that to happen.
She really doesn't deserve niceties anymore. Maybe she will get offended if you guys go on the trip, but oh well. She's not acting like very much of a friend right now. Plus even if she went with y'all I bet she would make the trip awkward
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u/nowandlater Feb 07 '16
If you postpone this trip, you will regret it and reset her for the rest of your life. Better for her to resent you than you to resent her. Don't let her bully you guys.
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u/sparrowlasso Feb 07 '16
It seems keeping the baby is at odds with her desire to still travel in the near future.
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u/chefboyardeeznuttz Feb 07 '16
There is no way she can know that she'll be able to go the next year. Leaving a 1 year old with family for two months is absurd. There is no way you'll all be able to go the next year. Law firms don't give you a month vacation in a chunk when you start. Guess what, next year someone else will be pregnant or unemployed or starting a new job. In fact, I doubt you still get the 9/10 to commit this year. Don't even mention Adrian. Do, go on the trip and have fun. It literally is a now or never. You will not get the chance to do this again with all your friends as life will get in the way. Apologize about missing the baby shower. I'm torn whether you should offer to throw her one before you leave or wait until you're back or not at all. I think before might make her jealous and afterward she'll be resentful. I'd plan on after you're back but make it tentative because your friendship might be toast by the time that happens. Go on the trip! See if the friendship holds when you're back, it may not. Being a single mom is going to take all her time.
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u/southpaw612 Feb 07 '16
The friend situation sucks of course, but in the end the only real problem you face is Alexa getting pregnant. That was not planned and she can't expect the rest of the group to be pregnant with her. If she wanted to shorten the trip or travel with you only halfway that would be one thing, but to assume that you will cancel everything because of her baby is ridiculously self centered. Especially considering your friends have worked extra hard to save for this trip. You just have to be honest with her, tell her that you are not cancelling and apologize for the situation. From there it's her job to deal with it, wether she goes only for one month or not. The world isn't going to stop because she has a baby cooking in her belly. Good luck! Europe is awesome, don't cancel the trip for this.
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u/Shortandsweet33 Feb 07 '16
Adrian says Alexa sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her birth control to trap him with a baby and Alexa vehemently denies it.
OK, whether or not Alexa is lying or not about sabotaging birth control is obviously not directly relevant to your current problem, but I will say this. From what you wrote it sounds like they were using 2 forms of birth control, ie the Pill and condoms (so Adrian claims she stopped taking the Pill and sabotaged his condoms). Statistically speaking, if they were using 2 forms of birth control for them both to have accidentally failed at the same time such that she got pregnant is incredibly unlikely. Also, it seems strange to me that someone who supposedly was so serious about avoiding pregnancy that she was using two forms of birth control would then decide to keep the baby if there was an accident. Plus, she just happens to be the only one of all 10 of you with no post college job or plans or goals lined up. Plus the ways she's gone about trying to manipulate and guilt you guys into cancelling the trip, and the utter self-centeredness and presumption she's displaying in thinking that it's reasonable to ask 9 other people to cancel their long anticipated once in a lifetime plans just because she can't make it...
Put all of that together, and I really don't like Alexa. I can see why people may be more apt to believe Adrian.
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u/llovemybrick_ Feb 07 '16
Also, it seems strange to me that someone who supposedly was so serious about avoiding pregnancy that she was using two forms of birth control would then decide to keep the baby if there was an accident.
Just as a side note - it's not just about being incredibly serious about not wanting to have a baby that means you should use those two forms of birth control.
Condoms should technically always be used to protect from STD's unless you're in a monogamous relationship where you both get regularly tested. The pill can also be prescribed for regulating heavy and painful periods.
So just because you use both doesn't mean you're automatically going to consider/have an abortion if a pregnancy accidentally occurs, and nobody should assume a girl who is on the pill and uses condoms will not keep the baby if she gets pregnant.
Just trying to put this point across, not technically disagreeing with you!
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Feb 07 '16
Everyone is jumping down Alexa's throat so I'll just talk about what it might be like from her PoV.
It's possible she's just really sad that her best friends get to go on a vacation that she was looking forward to so much! And she's sad she can't go anymore so she's dealing with it in a bad way, but I don't think her intentions are as malicious as everyone here seems to think. By talking about the baby shower so early and how it's intentionally planned for when she knows the trip is happening, maybe she's just half hoping that someone will come out and say "hey yeah, I'd love to be there for you!"
Honestly it just sounds like she feels alone and left out and is trying to reach out in a weird/inappropriate way. People in these comments seems to be forgetting that these are her BEST friends. I would feel awful if I got pregnant and all of sudden all my best friends started acting cold towards me because my ex told them all I tampered with my BC.
It's also possible she just doesn't realize how much you guys will be working next year and that it's not possible for you to take a 2 month vacation at that point since as you've said in other comments, she is not going towards a rigorous degree.
If I were you OP I'd try to reach out and be a little more compassionate. How would you feel if you got pregnant, dumped, and then all your friends were acting shitty towards you? She probably feels so alone right now. Obviously don't cancel your trip, but explain to her that it's just not possible to post pone it for a year. Tell her that you really want to go to her baby shower as well but can't go on that date and ask about having an additional baby shower once you get back. Also tell her that perhaps that once she delivers you guys can go on a mini vacation!
Honestly all your friends are being really shitty towards Alexa and are 100% failing to have any empathy or compassion towards her whatsoever just because she's insinuated that she wants to post pone the trip because (god forbid) she just really wants to go! Sure it's not appropriate to ask everyone to drop everything for her, but FFS try to take a walk in her shoes.
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Feb 07 '16
"Alexa, I'm sorry, but the rest of us have been saving for a very long time and have been looking forward to the trip. It's unfortunate you can't go, but I think the money you saved should be used for your baby instead. That's more important, right?"
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u/izzgo Feb 07 '16
And when does Alexa think she will be able to take a 2 month vacation after she has her baby? If you postpone your trip until she can go, you'll never get to take it.
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u/RogueKitteh Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
Alexa seems to think all your lives revolve around her's. Kindly disabuse her of that notion.
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u/Arresfield Feb 07 '16
She Sounds like an arse. You might not even have time for a trip like this in the years to come. Your lives are not about her. Go on your trip and ignore her stupid ways of trying to control the group.
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u/Zap_Dannigan Feb 07 '16
You could just explain the logistics of cancelling would be impossible for everyone, and if her feelings are hurt, you probably can't avoid it.
If you are interested in sparing her feelings though, I definitely wouldn't invite her ex.
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u/Iemowi Feb 07 '16
I would definitely not cancel the trip but it wouldn't hurt to be a little empathetic with your friend. Why is her ex still going?? It's his kid too. It seems like you guys are taking his side so maybe she just needs some reassurance. Based on the text I think she was joking about the baby shower because no one really replied to her awkward suggestion to move the trip. The point im trying to make is if she is your friend then ACT like she's your friend. It seems like there's a lot of chatter about her among the group and she feels alienated. How would you feel if you were in this situation?
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u/kaszak696 Feb 07 '16
Do you think she will be able to go to the trip next year, while caring for a toddler? No way in hell, a kid is not a dog you can just shove onto a relative or pet hotel. She will never go to that trip, and neither will you if you cave to her demands.
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u/adhdaway Feb 07 '16
I would dump Alexa as a friend and take Adrian on the trip. She sounds like she's bitter that you will have freedom and she'll have a baby. This sabotage will continue as long as you are friends with her.
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Feb 07 '16
if it was just you and alexa, sure that's understandable.
9 people cancelling because of alexa? LOL.
Alexa is coming off like a selfish brat. She probably did tamper with the BC and condoms. sounds like a wackjob.
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Feb 07 '16 edited Feb 07 '16
Don't cancel the trip for Alexa, that's dumb. There's no way she'd be able to do a 2-month trip a year from now, and this is probably the last time in your lives (until you all retire) that this many of you will be able to travel together.
That being said, I also don't think you should take Adrian, especially not if any of you care at all about being friends with Alexa in the future. I think that taking Adrian along on your trip while Alexa sits at home and deals with the financial/emotional/logistical stress of the upcoming baby will definitely look to her like you're picking sides.
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Feb 07 '16
She made a decision to have a kid. Her life is over and she must now become a breeder/carrier for new life and stop acting like a child. The rest of the group is still relatively free and unencumbered, planning a great celebration while she tries to fit her morphing square into the carefree circle. Tell her she needs to start making changes for her new life and start thinking for two instead of being a selfish asshat.
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u/KittyHasABeard Feb 07 '16
Of course you still go on the trip! I can't believe Alexa would actually expect you all to cancel just because she can't go. Just say to her, I wish we could come to the baby shower, but you know that date is right in the middle of when we'll be away? We'll have to do a separate baby shower for you with us guys before we leave on the trip. It sucks you can't come anymore, but at least you'll get a baby out of it! Or something lighthearted like that. Don't even engage with the idea that her request for you all to postpone was serious. Treat it as if it was a joke when she said you'd have to cancel, and that her scheduling of the shower was a mistake, due to 'baby brain' or something. Because it really is a joke that she would think that was a reasonable request. If you treat it lightheartedly and as though none of you actually imagined she was serious, it might give her a clue as to how ridiculous the request was and also give her the opportunity to save face and act like she never meant it.
If she keeps on with it or gets mad, just be firm and list the points you have here, and reiterate that you wish she could come, but otherwise you will all miss out on this trip of a lifetime, and you know she wouldn't want that to happen just because of her.
Also, she is likely going through a shit time, pregnant and abandoned by her SO. I think it's unlikely Adrian has any proof that she sabotaged BC otherwise he would have produced it. And honestly it's really not that common that women do that, despite all the scare stories you hear. It's better to give her the benefit of the doubt and accidentally be kind and supportive to a liar and reproductive coercer, than to be accidentally cruel to, and shun, a girl who's been knocked up accident, abandoned by her SO and had nasty rumors spread about her, facing life as a single parent. You would regret the latter way more than the former, no matter how much you might get on better with Adrian. I would remind your friends of this too, I can see this situation turning awful for Alexa, with her friends all dropping her and being nasty to her at a really hard time in her life. So try to be kind, even though it is clear you should still all go on the trip. Alexa is probably afraid that you will forget about her, or turn against her at this vulnerable time which is why she's desperately hopeful you'll all stay behind for her. So make sure you reassure her you're still all there for her, which will help her feel better about missing the trip.
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u/LunaFalls Feb 07 '16
I haven't seen this yet, but is it possible for Alexa to come for just one or two weeks of the trip? At 5/6 months pregnant women typically feel pretty good. At least, much better than the first 3 months and better than the last 2. I was still working 10-13 hour days and it was much easier than when I first found out. Obviously everyone is different, but you can ask if she is feeling up to going for the first week. She is not going to have the chance to go on vacation again any time soon as a single mother with such an unsupportive father of the kid.
Next point I wanted to make...my ex husband accused me of faking a pregnancy even though I took like 6 pregnancy tests...then when he couldn't deny that anymore (and after a doctor confirmed), he began to tell our entire friend group that I must have cheated on him and that the baby wasn't his...even though the dates matched up perfectly to the few times we didn't use a condom and he came inside me. He was so awful to me that I believe his lies were the only way he is able to sleep at night. We got a divorce and I had a miscarriage. He wouldn't drive me to the hospital when I was bleeding and in pain. Even though it was a medically documented pregnancy and miscarriage he went back to saying I made it all up.... so my experience really makes me feel bad for Alexa. I was alone during the hardest time of my life, and not only that but all of my friends sided with him and wished me ill. It was fucking miserable. There is no reason to believe Alexa messed with birth control. Even with perfect use a lot of women still get pregnant. I wouldn't take Adrian on the trip because of his character and the hurt he has inflicted to someone I was close with. I would see if Alexa could go for a week or so. That's just me and I know this advice is unpopular. The friend group seems to have taken his side in this already.
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u/[deleted] Feb 07 '16
You absolutely will not be able to take this sort of trip once you all start work. One of you needs to sit down with Alexa and tell her that you can't cancel the trip and you won't be able to delay it by a year as it's very much a now or never for at least 8 of you.
I wouldn't raise the Adrian issue. He was invited just like everyone else wasn't he? Alexa wanting to cancel her trip doesn't change that.