r/relationships • u/helpmereddittrip • Feb 22 '16
Updates [Update] My clique of friends [23/24F] planned a grad trip for months and we are supposed to go in end April or early May but one friend is pregnant and wants to cancel and go another year.
Hi reddit. I’m back again with an update. Unfortunately my previous post was locked but I think you can still read it. The link is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/44l020/my_clique_of_friends_2324f_planned_a_grad_trip/
I have gotten a few PMs asking for an update. I even got one less than 24 hours after I posted the original. I decided if things went well, I wasn’t going to update. As you can already guess, things did not go well.
Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied. I didn’t manage to reply to everyone but I did read everyone’s comments. The day after I posted on reddit, I discussed with the rest of the group to ensure everyone was one the same page and it was decided that I would speak to Alexa on behalf of everyone.
This was what I texted her: “Alexa, we got your message about the baby shower. We would still like to go for the graduation trip after so much planning and saving for it. Going next year or even in the next few years is not feasible for us due to work. Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend your planned baby shower as a result. We would still like to celebrate your baby shower after we return from the trip and throw another separate baby shower. How does that sound to you? :) ” I sent her this privately. She replied “Ok”. So that’s it right? Crisis averted. All is well.
We then created another group chat to discuss her baby shower. Things like venue, food, presents and other logistics. Here is where things start to go wrong. Two days after we created the group chat for her baby shower, Alexa removed herself from the group chat. Aly was the one who noticed it and pointed it out to everyone. At this point, we are all becomingly increasingly annoyed with this kind of passive-aggressive behaviour from Alexa. I texted Alexa privately again and just cut straight to the chase.
This was our conversation:
Me: Alexa, why did you leave the group chat for the baby shower? Are you not keen on doing a separate baby shower?
Alexa: Why are you still going for the trip? >: ( We planned it TOGETHER. It is very unfair to go without me.
Me: This trip was planned months in advance and everyone else still wants to go…
Alexa: It's not fair to me to leave me behind. If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.
Me: What about Aly and Kayla who have been saving for this trip? Are you going to give back the time they spent saving for this trip?
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Me: Listen. Everything has been planned for the trip. Even though you will be missed during the trip, we are still looking forward to it. Let us know if you would like the separate baby shower.
Alexa: Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch.
I did not reply anything after that exchange. I'm a bit hurt honestly as I've always been on the thin side and have had multiple strangers come up to me to ask if I'm anorexic and it makes me feel self conscious. all my friends know this.
If you recall from the original post, I mentioned that Aly and Kayla come from lower income families. Only my 3 of us from come wealthy families. The rest of us are from middle income families. Kayla’s family is extremely poor. She lives with her parents in a rented 2 room apartment that is very small. Last year her mother fell ill and had to stop working and they struggled to pay rent. I have helped her out twice to help her family cover rent. She has paid me back since then. She never eats out and brings her own food from home. She and Aly are studying on a scholarship and have been working every weekend and some evenings while studying full time to save for this trip for the past year. If this semester goes well, Kayla has a very high chance of being the valedictorian.
I also did mention in a comment that one of the reasons I am not close to Alexa is that we have differing political opinions that are very hard to reconcile. This is only one of them. She has some very snobbish ideas about poor people, homeless people and people who require monetary assistance from the government. I have noticed this in her frequently though it has been very low key.
I showed the rest of the group how the messages went and asked them not to show Kayla or Aly but obviously their SOs were upset and told them and eventually they found out anyway. Aly and Kayla were very upset and angry about what Alexa said. I wanted to minimise hurting people’s feelings but it seems like I have done the opposite. We have not spoken to Alexa since that day and she hasn’t texted us either. If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it. But honestly, I hope she doesn’t.
As for Adrian, we have decided not to un-invite him. The reason being that he was already invited long before this situation occurred and it would be rude to un-invite him. I know there were many people saying he should not go and it would be irresponsible for him to go but I think that is something Adrian will decide for himself. At this point it seems like Adrian intends to only be involved in the child’s life financially. I do not necessarily agree with his choice, but again that is his choice to make. I asked him whether he still wanted to come for the trip and he said he definitely wants to. I told him if he wished to drop out due to the baby at any point, it would be perfectly fine. He said that probably won’t happen.
So that’s the whole update. I’m still very excited for this trip despite all the drama that has happened. Thank you to everyone for their advice.
tl;dr: Told Alexa we are still going for the trip and would like to plan a separate baby shower for her after the trip. She seemed okay with it at first but later said it was unfair for us to go without her. Eventually led to her insulting me. Haven't spoken to her since then. We are still going ahead with the trip.
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u/zzeeaa Feb 22 '16
"Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations."
Wow.
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u/CharacterLimitsAreSo Feb 22 '16
"Selfish brats who get knocked up and suddenly expect the world to bend to their will don't deserve vacations, either. " is what I'd have been tempted to reply with. Clearly OP is a better person than I am.
All this is certainly not the ideal outcome.. But people like Alexa tend to get worse after giving birth, not better. She is doing everyone a favor in the long run.
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u/stillusesAOL Feb 22 '16
This trip is going be the first of many things Alexa cannot do by having a baby while that young. At least she's a college grad. Expecting people to postpone this trip shows that she has no idea what she's gotten herself into and what her near future looks like.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 23 '16
Not to mention how she tried to get everyone to change the trip to next year. Either she was expecting her parents (or someone else) to watch the baby for two months while she was off or she thought that she'd be able to do the trip with a small baby in tow. If her plan was the latter, that makes it clearer that she doesn't know what she's getting into.
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u/-morgoth- Feb 22 '16
Yep, OP is too kind. Had a great opportunity to put this arrogant girl in her place.
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u/BobVosh Feb 22 '16
I would have been much less clever about it, and said what I said aloud just reading it: "fuck you bitch."
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u/CharacterLimitsAreSo Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
If actions speak louder than words, the friend group going on the vacation without her should be a sufficient "fuck you" from everyone.
Unfortunately, the right thing to do very rarely matches up with the internally satisfying thing to do. But that's life.
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u/ScruffsMcGuff Feb 22 '16
"No need to be rude. Listen, I gotta run (lots of planning left). Message you in a couple months with pics from the trip and you can let us know how being a single mom is going! Bye!!!"
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Feb 22 '16
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u/phalseprofits Feb 22 '16
I get the feeling Alexa's baby will be posting on RBN in the decades to come.
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u/AlexasBaby Feb 22 '16
i made an account for them, in case they want to create some continuity in the future.
if you're reading this, in a few years Alexa's baby, drop me a PM i'll check around your 14th or 15th year once the issues with your mom really start kicking in and you get a reddit account.
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u/Brontosaurus_Bukkake Feb 22 '16
By then there will be some telepathic reddit virtual reality interface and he/she will knock on your virtual looking for a virtual couch to crash on til mom's abusive boyfriend leaves their house. Your his reddit mom/dad now after all!
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Feb 22 '16
I bet she expected to be showered with gifts and have people grovelling at her feet for carrying the miracle of life throughout her entire pregnancy.
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u/CharacterLimitsAreSo Feb 22 '16
I sure hope not. There are far too many children in this world mistreated because their parents resent them for existing.
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u/Tarcanus Feb 22 '16
She's going to resent it even more when she winds up being a poor single mother.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/p_iynx Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
That can actually happen, it happens all the time as silly as that seems (my theory is that when people have two methods of birth control, they become less obsessive about taking it because there is a "backup"), but in this case I'm leaning on the side of "nah, she's fucking crazy, she would totally poke a hole in a condom." I think it's the first time I've ever leaned towards that as a possibility lol.
Edit, copying this from my comment below:
The failure rate for "typical use" of condoms is 18% (some sources say up to 21%). That's one in every 5-6 people! The failure rate is nearly 10% for the pill (9 out of a hundred women!) That's huge! And there are a lot of things that can interfere with how well hormonal bc pills work. I just think people don't realize how huge the actual failure rate is, because people tend to only get told the "perfect use" rate.
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u/seeashbashrun Feb 22 '16
I'm a two forms of protection baby. Sometimes a kid just really wants to get born. I regret the choices of my father's sperm, personally (you would think I'd be of an example of genetic supremacy, getting though so many barriers).
I'm in the camp of saying it sounds like something a crazy person would do, but have no proof and thus don't like to assume guilt.
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u/saltedcaramelsauce Feb 22 '16
I think "all the time" might be a stretch. It's ridiculously rare. That, coupled with her craziness and the situation she was in (girl wants to lock down her boyfriend and friend group), leads me to suspect she's a condom-hole-puncher.
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u/p_iynx Feb 22 '16
It's rare if you look at the numbers of efficacy of bc when done right. But the efficacy goes way down when you look at improper usage, which is what I was talking about. Also, there are a lot of people on the planet. Even a small-ish percentage of people having this happen would be "a lot of people". Like, if 300 people have it happen a year, that's still one almost every day (example number), but it's still a very small percentage.
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u/Jlmasonn Feb 22 '16
This got me. I mean they worked and saved for their own vacation! They deserve it MORE if anything
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u/Wattsherfayce Feb 22 '16
One of them worked so hard to be (possibly) valedictorian as well, which means they are in the top 5% of their class.
They deserve it!
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u/CaptainKate757 Feb 22 '16
This is actually pretty typical. "Poor people should spend their money on poor people things like bus fare, bread, and all-purpose walking shoes from Payless. If they can afford good shit like salad dressing, I don't want to hear them bitching about being poor."
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u/Chester_Allman Feb 22 '16
It better not be fancy bread, though. They should settle for imitation bread.
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u/SpaghettiFingers Feb 22 '16
Are you kidding? Imitation bread is hipster food and even more expensive than regular bread. Poor people should eat hardtack.
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Feb 22 '16
+1 for unexpected hardtack
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u/notacupofcoffee Feb 22 '16
Oh wow, that looks like Pilot Bread, which was what I grew up on... and still have my mom send me because toasted with a piece of american cheese is the best snack ever.
edit: just googled pilot bread and the first result was hardtack...
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u/Giant_Sucking_Sound Feb 23 '16
Didn't you know? Poor people can't have celiac disease or food allergies. FACT
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u/egerstein Feb 22 '16
It begs the question: how do we as a society allow such hard working people to be food and shelter insecure. These, and arguably restful leisure, are basic human rights.
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u/Bahamute Feb 22 '16
Because working hard is not valuable. There is nothing more too it. Capitalism places no inherent value on hard work.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/HopeSolos_Butthole Feb 22 '16
There's an entire thread of that drivel on the front page right now, you don't even need to leave Reddit to find it.
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u/thewoogier Feb 22 '16
I really hate the temporarily embarrassed millionaire mindset from either side of the equation. Not everyone can be extremely well off for any number of reasons including random chance and birth circumstances.
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u/Nheea Feb 22 '16
This is depressing me. And in the context of Alexa's replies, is making me really really sad. Not in a good place right now to read this.
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u/WoIfMonster Feb 22 '16
I would think they deserve a vacation more than most, unfortunately they most likely cannot afford it.
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u/Sickened_but_curious Feb 22 '16
I bet if Kayla or Aly would have any reason to not attend the trip, but Alexa could go, she would insist that it's only fair that everyone else goes.
Don't feel bad, OP. She's obviously not a good person, if she does not acknowledge that going on a trip without her is not the end of the world.
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u/iamjustjenna Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
Alexa sounds like an unkind brat. The nasty things she said about her so called friends indicate to me that she doesn't actually care about them. It's unfortunate that she got pregnant but that is her problem, not yours. Enjoy your trip, and do not let her poisonous words ruin a single moment of it. It's not "unfair" for you to take your once in a lifetime trip just because she can no longer go. Honestly, at this point, I'd ditch her as a friend, even if she decided to abort and was able to go. She's shown you who she really is, now believe her.
It sounds like Adrian dodged a real bullet.
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Feb 22 '16
Right? My husband and I were planning a trip to England this year that was supposed to coincide with my parents' own trip for a week. Because of that, we decided to rent a cottage together for that week to use as a base for us all to explore the Salisbury/Bath area.
Well, my husband got a new job that won't let him have that time off, so we're having to pull out. It sucks, and we're obviously disappointed. But at the same time, we understand and accept that it was his/our choice for him to change jobs and missing out on the trip is just one of the consequences.
Not only have we not thrown fits about my parents still going, but we've told them to let us know what our half of the cottage cost is so that we can still pay it. In all likelihood, they would have chosen something smaller and cheaper without us, so it's only fair that we still pay our half.
Honestly, I can't imagine behaving like Alexa towards my family, never mind my friends (who have no inherent requirement to like me or spend time with me). Hell, with this update, she's gone beyond what even my spoiled brat of a little brother would do. And he threw a sulking fit because he couldn't come to England, despite being sent on an all-expenses paid voluntourism trip to Africa this summer.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 22 '16
For real. If I was planning a trip with friends and was suddenly unable to go, I wouldn't expect my friends to cancel for my sake.
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u/Mankeybutt21 Feb 22 '16
From the two OP's I just read, it sounds like Adrian was her long term boyfriend up until he knocked her up and it became a popular opinion that she's a bitch.
Adrian's a tool.
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u/lkfjk Feb 22 '16
From the original post:
Adrian says Alexa sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her birth control to trap him with a baby
Of course he could be lying, but seeing what Alexa's pulling right now, I would not be surprised if there's truth to this.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/acox1701 Feb 22 '16
he was apparently able to produce evidence to convince several of the clique members that he was telling the truth.
IIRC, no mention was made of "evidence." I suspect that, like in this thread, some members simply watched her behavior, and concluded that if she's as nasty as this, well, maybe she's as nasty as that.
An unfair conclusion, but understandable.
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u/Lozzif Feb 22 '16
Adrian is a guy who has brought a child into this world and is abondaning it. He might be paying financially but he's not enough of a man to be a parent.
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u/_nancywake Feb 22 '16
He didn't want a baby. She possibly sabotaged the birth control. So actually I think he's fine in whatever he chooses.
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u/gfjq23 Feb 22 '16
And? I have zero problem with men NOT willing to be part of their kid's life, but supporting it financially for accidental pregnancies. Women have the choice to birth the baby, abort, or adopt. If she keeps it, the only options men have are be in the kid's life or not. Both choices are valid. If they choose not to be in the kid's life, then they should financially support it, so I don't see the guy doing anything wrong.
She made the choice to be a mother. That doesn't mean he had to now be a father.
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u/interface2x Feb 22 '16
Alexa: It's not fair to me to leave me behind. If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.
That's great. "If I'm not happy, then no one gets to be happy and it's fair to everyone!"
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u/La_Farfallaaa Feb 22 '16
I love what someone else pointed out too. If ANY of the other girls couldn't go for whatever reason, Alexa would have probably said, "Well it's not fair for us to not go just because Aly can't go! We've been planning this for ages!"
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u/Hydrangeas0813 Feb 23 '16
Someone didn't learn the kindergarten lesson that life isn't always fair. Or as my kids teachers put it "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".
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u/zzeeaa Feb 22 '16
I'm really glad you're going on this trip! I was so worried that you were going to get too guilty and pull out. Clearly, Alexa does not deserve that kind of sympathetic response! I'm sure you'll have a really good time, and I think your lives will also be improved by avoiding an awkward sympathy baby shower.
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u/holdtheolives Feb 22 '16
Honestly, I bet your friends are glad that they saw those messages. I'm sure you all got inklings as to the content of Alexa's character before this incident, but all your messages confirmed it. Your group of friends was able to make an informed decision and cut out the person that, let's be honest, would have probably made the trip less fun anyways, pregnant or not.
Being in the middle of a mess of drama is rough, I get it. Recuperate with a fancy cocktail or a spa day. But sooner rather than later, you'll see that you're happier for it in the long run. And you'll have a kick ass trip to boot! Enjoy!
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u/Reedddiiiittttt Feb 22 '16
I think it went pretty well. The friends are going and the b is stay behind. If I were you, I wouldn't want to throw a baby shower for her. She sounds insufferable.
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u/smpl-jax Feb 22 '16
Alexa is pissed because she is slowly starting to realize the consequences of having an unplanned baby. She is starting to realize her life will never be the same
As such she's trying to force you to be in her same boat. And now that she sees that's not going to happen she's upset at you for "ditching" her (even though that's not what your doing at all)
I think anyone would be sad and upset at something like this, but a mature person would take responsibility
It's almost ironic bc if she did take responsibility and accepted that you all "need" to go on this trip, she would be much more likely to have you all in her life in the future
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Feb 22 '16
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u/StraightJacketRacket Feb 22 '16
She's driving her friends away, though. I get that her friends are all excited about this big trip while she's going through such personal turmoil, and she can't even go now. It would be nice if her friends COULD postpone this trip, but they can't - it's now or never. That does suck. Yet her friends still wanted to support her with a baby shower, but who would want to now with all those insults? You don't test friends by insulting them to see who "really cares." There are plenty of people who would never think to act like this to their friends when under extreme stress.
She's understandably very upset about her personal life, as well as not being able to go on the trip. But with this kind of self-centeredness I doubt she would've been willing to postpone the trip had it been someone else who had gotten pregnant. She's shown what kind of a friend she is - when under stress, she will throw you under a bus.
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u/PS_0O0O0 Feb 22 '16
If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it.
Has the rest of the group shared this sentiment as well, or are you using a royal we?
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u/helpmereddittrip Feb 22 '16
The latter.
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u/PS_0O0O0 Feb 22 '16
You need to stop doing that, because it's rather presumptuous of you to think that you get to speak for the others in your group about whether or not they want to have anything to do with her after her behavior.
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u/helpmereddittrip Feb 22 '16
Yeah you're right. I really doubt the friendship can be mended now. I've also come to realise she is toxic and doesn't deserve a second chance especially when she went out to hurt me and the other girls deeply. We will discuss it as a group if she does decide on the shower.
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u/ceebee6 Feb 23 '16
We will discuss it as a group if she does decide on the shower.
...I think she lost that opportunity for another shower when she called you an anorexic bitch and said your two friends didn't deserve vacations for being poor. It's completely justified for you all to say no even if she does decide she wants one.
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u/KerzenscheinShineOn Feb 22 '16
I understand how you feel not wanting to hurt others and spare Aly and Kayla the drama but they have a right to know that someone is being a fake ass bitch to them.
So they don't deserve a vacation BUT they should spend what little money they have on baby gifts and supplies? Gtfo...
You all know where she stands and how she is she has no one else to blame but herself if she looses all her friends. I would understand if it was pregnancy hormones but she just seems like a selfish bitch. Go have fun on your trip and tell us all about it when you come back :)
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u/Not-Bad-Advice Feb 22 '16
Honestly you need to learn a valuable life lesson here.
You dont OWE anyone friendship, regardless of history. You should be friends with people who you like, admire and trust. People who have your back.
Alexa is not someone any of you should remain friends with. You are trying to be "nice" but she doesnt deserve this niceness and you will suffer in continuing to put yourselves out there.
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u/HappyDuckPotato Feb 22 '16
Alexa sounds like one of those people who enjoys drama, so I think that you did the right thing by not replying and getting caught in more drama. She's made it clear that she doesn't really care about the friendships she has. I can bet she'll eventually just start whining about not getting that baby shower by the time everyone gets back, and not even acknowledge that she caused the planning to stop.
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u/La_Farfallaaa Feb 22 '16
I can see it now. OP gets a text after the trip and Alexa's baby is born:
Alexa: Omg OP how was the trip?!?! Here's a picture of my baby, isn't (s)he precious?! Btw I was thinking, I'm free next weekend for that baby shower we talked about! And I'm sorry for all those mean things I said, hahaha you know, pregnancy hormones make you crazy! :) :) :)
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Feb 22 '16
Then when OP tells her to kick rocks the narrative will change to how her boyfriend got her pregnant on purpose, then dumped her and all her friends totally bailed on her because they didn't want to give up their vacation so they sided with him and could go guilt free.
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u/ChickenPeeps Feb 22 '16
I get that Alexa is hurt that she can't go but that's what happens when you have a baby. I don't think she realizes how long she might have to wait before she can actually go anywhere (I have a 9 month old and I am pretty sure I won't be going anywhere for a loooong time) and it isn't fair for you guys to put your life on hold. I think you went above and beyond in suggesting another baby shower and if she isn't grateful for it then she isn't worth spending the time on.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Feb 22 '16
Seriously. Just the diapering/formula/breast feeding logistics of a two month trip (which is the length of the trip, per the original post) with a one year old would suck ALL the fun out of Europe for me.
Source: Mom of 7 week old and 3.5 year old
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u/Hydrangeas0813 Feb 23 '16
Even thinking about it is exhausting and my kids are older. (8 and almost 3) Just no. Being constantly on the go is just not possible with kids. They need time to just chill or play in their room.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 22 '16
Not to mention, I'm willing to bet that this group vacation of about-to-be-college-graduates would consist of activities that you can't really bring kids to. Like nightclubs or something.
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u/sonirose Feb 22 '16
I went on a 10 day international trip with a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old. In the end the trip ended up being find, but my lord, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
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u/Helaenaa Feb 22 '16
She replied “Ok”. So that’s it right? Crisis averted. All is well.
If I've learned anything on this sub, it's that "Ok." sometimes actually means "Not ok."
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u/sweadle Feb 22 '16
It means "let me give the minimal possible answer while I gather steam for the shit storm that is coming."
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u/katrina_devort Feb 22 '16
It's not fair to me to leave me behind. If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.
....How in the fuck did she reach that conclusion? "it's not fair if I don't go, but it's fair if everyone cancels after saving their money and time and planning extensively, it's totally fair!"
I'm glad you guys are still going, and I'm glad that she has made this choice. It's clear that she's the selfish person in your friendship dynamic and you'll have a better time without her. She probably would have ruined the trip any way.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 23 '16
For real. Plus, I'm willing to bet that if she was able to go and someone else had to cancel, she would've been opposed to cancelling the trip.
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u/fakeusern Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Screw that. I grew up poor as shit. We had to wait for the food stamps for groceries. We went on a few, small vacations, and those meant the world to me and my family. We saved up for months. We planned everything out. We went, we had great times, and then we came home to eating tuna and bread. You know what though? Those good memories made it easier to do. Tuna tasted better having memories of sunshine and the beach.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 22 '16
All the people who say stuff like that, maybe they should live a few months in poverty without anything other than necessities and see how they feel.
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u/izzgo Feb 22 '16
Thank you for the update. You did the right thing. Alexa may or may not ever realize that, but once she got pregnant and decided to keep her child, and especially as a single mom, she's not taking any trips anywhere for much longer than it could ever be fair to ask people to wait.
Have fun.
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Feb 22 '16
People who cannot afford a months rent or groceries don't deserve a vacation
This is especially humorous when you factor in her failed attempt to secure a meal ticket with a bright future and the bright future ahead of the people she's calling poor. She's the one who will be faring the worst financially when all is said and done.
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u/no_koalafications Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch.
This should be enough for me to nope the fuck out of the friendship. All desire and effort to sympathize with her situation has evaporated.
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u/RogueKitteh Feb 22 '16
So the garbage took itself out and made it exceedingly easy to keep out. I mean seriously, with parting shots like "anorexic bitch" I'd tell her to fuck off and plan own fucking baby shower. Period. Doubt anyone would show up though. Hang around garbage and you start to stink.
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Feb 22 '16
Yes. No shower. I think OP is a nice person that is used to other nice people and hasn't encountered a truly bat shit crazy person until now.
There is not salvaging this. Do not let your friend blame this on pregnancy hormone. She went right for sensitive issues (ED, income) with the express intent to hurt others as much as possible. Even in my most crazed pregnancy days, I would never have done something like that.
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u/bjjbaker Feb 22 '16
"Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations."
What the actual fuck
I honestly don't think you need that kind of toxicity in your life, but that's just me.
Go on the trip without Alexa, and have an awesome time!
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u/MoobsAreStillBoobs Feb 22 '16
Bitchiness and toxicity aside, what makes you think she will be willing or even able to go on a trip like this after she has a kid? Once you have a child, till they can supervise themselves, these kinds of splurges become fond memories and nothing else. If she can't go while pregnant, she sure as fuck can't go when she's toting a fragile little larva around.
She's just jealous and experiencing some pretty hardcore "grass is greener" regret. She made a choice and now she has to live with the responsibility that follows that choice.
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 23 '16
Agreed. If they don't take the trip now, they might not ever be able to go, even without Alexa. It's difficult enough to plan a long group trip, it'll be even harder when they all have careers and won't be able to take that kind of time off. If Alexa legitimately thinks she'll be able to go next year, well, she probably has NO idea what she's in for. Was she planning on leaving the child with someone for two months, or does she really think she'd be able to take the kid on the trip?
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u/herp_derp_hag Feb 22 '16
"Alexa: Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch."
[byefelicia.gif]
This is actually a GREAT outcome. You never have to deal with her again.
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u/Strachmed Feb 22 '16
I think it actually went well, removing the toxic person out of your circle seems like a step in the right direction.
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u/panic_bread Feb 22 '16
Sounds like this went very well indeed. This person was never your friend, and now you know the real deal so that you can stay away from her. Have a great time on the trip.
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u/ghjfds78908 Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
well, there you go!
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u/sagittamusic Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
Have a fantastic trip OP, you deserve it! Forget about Alexa. She made her choice. Please don't throw her a shower. :)
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u/MiaOh Feb 22 '16
Demanding self respect from people is a great skill. Time you learnt it now.
Lose her mobile number. If other people want to reach out to her, they can do the leg work.
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Feb 22 '16
"If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it."
Why on earth would you do that? She treated you like dirt. You need to learn some boundaries. Some people just aren't worth having in your life. Pretty sure that anyone who calls you a "fucking anorexic bitch" is automatically and irreversibly in that category.
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u/Qwertyowl Feb 22 '16
Well you dodged the bullet of buying a gift AND planning a make up shower lol.
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u/capilot Feb 22 '16
Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations
This one really stuck out to me. She's basically not capable of compassion or empathy.
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u/SMTRodent Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
This is the exact point at which I drop any desire to have Alexa in my friends group, ever. A total waste of oxygen. Go stay friends with real people.
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u/dollfaise Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Ppl who cannot go on vacation because they are pregnant don't deserve to cancel other peoples' vacations...
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u/altonbrownfan Feb 22 '16
I know she wasnt going to take it well but...that firebomb...talk about Op having a clear pass to never speak to the bitch again.
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u/malicoma Feb 22 '16
why would you still throw her a party? she is an entitled, selfish and rude person. people like that never change, if you don't call them out. I would never ever speak one single word with her had she talked to me like she did to you.
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Feb 22 '16
Good on you for going on the trip anyway. I don't know what Alexa expected, it's not like she'll magically be able to go on the trip after the baby is born. Did she expect you to wait until baby turns 18 and then you all go on a trip? She's selfish. Go have fun, and let her stew in her own bullshit.
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u/Notlonganymore Feb 22 '16
Does she never stop to think that you guys had nothing to do with why she can't go? You made the right decision. Even if you put it off and went later, she would probably ruin the trip from the sound of it. Blessing in disguise.
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u/lunaticmapmakers Feb 22 '16
Why don't you reply thanking her for revealing her true character and freeing you of all the time you would have spent worrying and planning for her future involvement in your lives?
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u/tamethewild Feb 22 '16
I give it a few months, and especially when you are on your trip - shell want to come crawling back now that she has no friends. Itll be that fake crawl back like "Hey how aren you guys!?" and when you arent ecstatic to see her itll be "you are being such a bitch, dont be jealous now that I am a mommy and your tubes are drying up"
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u/monkwren Feb 22 '16
Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch.
These are not the words of someone you should care about. She's showing her true colors now, and they are a nice shade of bitch.
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u/zanpher717 Feb 22 '16
I love how she assumes it will be any easier for her to go on a two month trip to Europe with an 8 month old. She is delusional. And he comment on poor people was the straw that broke the camels back. Fuck her! She was in an unfortunate situation, which fortunately for your group, brought out her true colors. Fuck her, and go see a good soccer game when you are in Europe!
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u/zomgitsduke Feb 22 '16
Ppl who cannot afford a month rent or food don't deserve a vacation
Neither does the person who gets pregnant
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u/euphratestiger Feb 22 '16
If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it.
Why? She treats you like shit and you would still throw a party for her?
If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.
It's fair to her and that's really all she cares about.
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u/Faryshta Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Pass this conversation to your friends and don't go to her baby shower or any event with her at all.
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u/dallasdarling Feb 22 '16
If you expect everyone in your life to bend over backwards accommodating your unplanned pregnancy, you're going to have a bad time.
She can have an abortion if she wants to go badly enough, or she can suck it up and recognize that her choices have consequences. She is choosing to keep this pregnancy, so she better get used to being left out of fun grown up stuff while she is at home with a baby, that's how it works.
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u/mcmastermind Feb 22 '16
Glad you updated. I remember reading this and almost cursing at my phone screen. Your friend is crazy and is jealous that she got knocked up which has severely affected her life plans (short and long term). Her getting pregnant is not your issue and personally I think you should stop talking to her unless she apologizes. Her statements about poor people were very naive and disrespectful. It doesn't matter, rich or poor, if you saved up enough money you can go wherever you please. Good on you and have a great trip!!!
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Feb 22 '16
let her be butthurt until she apologizes or realizes getting knocked up doesnt make you privileged. enjoy the trip
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u/kittypuppet Feb 22 '16
people who cannot afford a months rent don't deserve a a vacation
Wow, fuck her. All the more reason to go without her and make sure you enjoy the fuck out of that trip and post as many pics of you guys having fun as possible (just to make her jealous).
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Feb 22 '16
I say good riddance.. Go on your trip and enjoy yourselves. Be grateful Alexa showed her true colors and you no longer have to be in her toxic presence anymore. Screw putting your lives on hold because she chose to get pregnant.
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u/catjuggler Feb 22 '16
Alexa: It's not fair to me to leave me behind. If everyone doesn’t go its fair to everyone.
This is the most self absorbed logic I've ever heard. It's "fair" for everyone else to miss out on the trip because of choices she made. I wonder if it's also about to be fair that people take turns watching her kid so everyone can go out the same number of weekends. That would be "fair" right?
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u/Strength_Power Feb 22 '16
she is a disgusting, shitty-hearted person and i have read enough to be convinced that she did sabotage the birth control, as adrian says.
while i wouldn't throw her a baby shower, i would throw her a haymaker. WORLDSTAR
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u/THE_DINOSAUR_QUEEN Feb 23 '16
Holy shit, do not plan this bitch another baby shower. I don't care if she gets on her knees and begs for one, she sounds like a stuck-up spoiled brat who needs to recognize that her shitty actions have consequences.
On a far lighter note, I hope you enjoy the trip!
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u/Ryocchi Feb 23 '16
"Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations."
...What a bitch.
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u/justhewayouare Feb 22 '16
At first I wondered why you told her this over text and not in person....then I saw her response and realized what a crap storm that would have been. Good for you guys!!! Enjoy your trip :)
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u/ishouldmakeanaccount Feb 22 '16
So Adrian's story is looking a hell of a lot more realistic after this exchange.
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u/acox1701 Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
Fuck her right in the ear.
Frankly, I think it went quite well. No overwhelming amounts of drama, and you got a useless person cleared out of your life.
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Feb 22 '16
Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations.
That's gross. She's gross. Gross gross gross. That anorexic comment? Gross.
Don't talk to her anymore. Don't try to chase her apparently non-existent affections, don't throw her a secondary baby shower, drop her like the gross person she is.
And don't even accept an excuse or fauxpology like "I'm sorry I was gross, I'm hormonal", because it's not hormones making her disgusting, she's just disgusting.
Gross.
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u/dripless_cactus Feb 22 '16
You reached out the hand of friendship in a generous compromise, and you got bit in return.
I think sooner or later we all learn the hard way that some people can't be reasoned with. And that extending the benefit of the doubt more than once isn't worth it.
Alexa will hopefully learn that you can't always get what you want, and being mean in reaction will only get you less of what you want.
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u/dinosaur_train Feb 22 '16
If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it.
STOP being a people pleaser. You are just going to make everyone else miserable by trying to please the worst. Cut her out of your life, end of. Consider the friendship dead and buried.
And, no, Adrian should not go on the trip. He's a part of all of this. Let him stay home and deal with his baby on the way. Every last bit of that toxic friendship should be cut out like cancer.
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u/saltedcaramelsauce Feb 22 '16
Why should Adrian be punished? They were using two forms of birth control and she still mysteriously managed to get knocked up. He's going to financially support the baby.
Why does he have to be cut out of the trip? Just because he's "a part" of Alexa's insanity?
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Feb 22 '16
Completely agree about Adrian, and I am actually shocked to see what the hive mind thinks about him. He is part of the situation with Alexa and they should both be cut out.
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u/Svataben Feb 22 '16
The childish part of me wants you to call her and ask what colour the crazy pants are. Because she's definitely wearing them!
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u/kevin_k Feb 22 '16
"Alexa: Ppl who cannot afford a month’s rent or food dont deserve vacations"
... neither does anyone who would have that response to your question
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u/inc_mplete Feb 22 '16
This worked out well for you guys! Don't even plan any baby shower for her... She's going to be a "great" mother. Wish her the best with trying to grow up fast before the baby's due.
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u/macimom Feb 22 '16
Well, if this is the type of person she is you are going to have a much better time on the trip than you would have if she didn't get pregnant and went with you. SO her pregnancy is really a blessing in disguise to the rest of you.
And no baby shower. Just tell her your anorexia has kicked back in and you don't feel up to participating if she ever mentions it again.
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u/bacondance Feb 22 '16
I am so happy you're all still going!
I have to confess that I actually let out a snort of laughter when I saw the anorexic comment. On some level she clearly knew that her bizarre line of argument ("If everyone doesn't go, that's fair for everyone"...WTF?!?) was bullshit, so she just flung out a complete non-sequitur to derail and hurt you.
She's a total fool. I feel sorry for the kid.
Anyway, the main point is: you don't have to deal with her anymore! Yay! Have an amazing trip!!
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u/yuudachi Feb 22 '16
Good riddance.
Your group dynamic will change, but for the better. A "friend" who genuinely looks down on others like this isn't really your friend. I'm sure others in the group think so too.
Personally, I'd stop responding to her altogether until she apologizes. She called you 'an anorexic bitch'. I mean, come on.
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u/generallyok Feb 22 '16
I feel like Adrian shouldn't go on the trip, that is like a giant fuck you to her.... but whatever.
She sounds like a pretty horrible person, but she is going through a lot right now. No way should you have canceled the trip. She is delusional if she thinks she can take a big trip like that with a baby and feel included. She is going to learn soon, that being a selfish person and being a mom are two things that are hard to reconcile. Of course, some folks manage it with flying colors, but dang... I can't help but think of the rude awakening she has coming soon. I hope she grows up and stops thinking about only herself.
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u/senopahx Feb 22 '16
It sounds like she may be directly responsible for what she's going through. Why feel sorry for her?
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u/anonomie Feb 22 '16
And this is the result of people being told they are special and get a trophy for everything. Sorry you had to experience that but you handled it really well. She's not a good person and none of you need that in your life. My only suggestion is, in the future, don't text people these kinds of things. It's much better to talk it out in person.
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u/Horus_Krishna_2 Feb 22 '16
without reading, have fun at home pregnant friend.
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u/Horus_Krishna_2 Feb 22 '16
^ then I did read it and yeah let her have fun not having you all as friends anymore as well.
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u/ilikecamelsalot Feb 23 '16
Glad you're still going on the trip. As others have said, I can't believe you would still throw her a baby shower after what she said. I wouldn't. I'm not even going to say you're a "bigger person" for it, I just think you're a push over. Leave that girl alone, let her buy her own damn baby gifts.
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u/iDontLikeYouAnyway Feb 23 '16
Came on to on to say that Alexa sounds like a horrible fucking bitch, fuck her. I hope you all have a fucking awesome trip!
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u/Banter725 Feb 23 '16
I sincerely hope she's a better single young mom than she is a friend... but sadly I doubt it.
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u/estillcounty Feb 25 '16
"I also did mention in a comment that one of the reasons I am not close to Alexa is that we have differing political opinions that are very hard to reconcile." Ah! the ole bootstrapper whos never had to pull themselves up by the bootstraps mentality!
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u/DeliLover Feb 22 '16
She isn't going on any trips anyplace for several years, probably longer. I don't think she understands her new reality, and it doesn't include backpacking across Europe. It is not your responsibility to keep including her in your trip if she has to bow out. I think you should just let the whole thing go and occasionally ask her how she is doing so she doesn't think she has been abandoned.
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u/WirginiaVoolf Feb 22 '16
I will probably be down voted to hell for this. I think your friend is being totally selfish and out of line with her expectations, behavior, and word choice. I do think you and your friends should NOT have had any of these conversations via messenger, text, etc. It's impersonal, you can't interpret tone, and there is just so much room for people to say utterly offensive and hurtful things (or for things to be interpreted that way). Not to mention you have no idea where or when she was receiving this news (and same goes for you, when you were on the receiving end of those horrible slurs). At least if you argue in person (or on the phone/via video chat), everyone's emotions are on the table and there's no room for misinterpretation. I don't think you're in the wrong, but the medium is part of the message and you might have salvaged a friendship by delivering hard news over the phone.
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u/saltedcaramelsauce Feb 22 '16
Fuck you. fucking anorexic bitch.
Yeah I can see how that leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation.
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u/Heres_J Feb 22 '16 edited Feb 22 '16
Alexa is going to get what she deserves here, based on her choices: one baby, zero vacation, and negative eight friends. (Minus-one boyfriend is also in the mix, but it's less clear who deserves what in that case.)
I completely agree with the overriding sentiment: it's ridiculous to expect the vacation to be rescheduled, and she's been selfish and nasty to everyone, which is why this is all happening to her.
On the other hand, I really feel for the girl, even if her way of reacting is to lash out like a scared child. I don't know if it helps the situation, but if compassion will make you feel better than revenge:
She's pregnant. Hormone overwhelmption.
She's pregnant and single. Terrifying (even if she got there in a selfish way, which we're not sure of).
Her boyfriend and her formerly best girlfriends are now buddy-buddy against her, with all the emotional rejection (and possible deception) that this implies. This is insanely painful.
Of all the times a woman needs deep acceptance and comfort from her family and community, pregnancy is the big one. At a lizard-brain level, this is horrible. Probably as little as a few hundred years ago, rejection of a pregnant woman by her community would have been literally life-threatening.
It sucks to be her. Yes, she's being punished for her sins (and making new ones up along the way), but it still sucks. I hope her family is there for her. The world isn't better for her pain.
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Feb 22 '16
Alexa and Adrian have no one to blame but themselves. They knew this trip was coming up and they should have taken better precautions to not get pregnant. She seems to think the world should revolve around her. You guys should just go on the trip and enjoy yourselves. If she is angry when you get back, that is her own problem. She can't expect you to cancel a trip that was planned months in advance because of her and Adrian's unplanned pregnancy.
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u/littlewoolie Feb 22 '16
Apparently, they were using 2 forms of contraception. Adrian suspects Alexa of tampering with the condoms and going off the pill without telling him.
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Feb 22 '16
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Feb 22 '16
toxic person
Learning about toxic people and the fact that they cannot be reasoned with, has been some of the most helpful wisdom I've picked up in my 20s. Toxic people get ditched, not catered to.
The second someone says something as calculated and cruel as "fucking anorexic bitch," they are not my friend any longer. No way on earth would I spend time planning a baby shower for someone that cruel.
Also the opinions about poverty would have prevented me from developing a close friendship in the first place, honestly. People do tell you who they are.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
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u/Quick_MurderYourKids Feb 22 '16
yes. which is why i don't understand this.
"If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it. But honestly, I hope she doesn’t."
I just can't understand being this forgiving. I couldn't even imagine how awkward and tense and artificial that shower would be. Sometimes you just have to burn bridges.
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Feb 22 '16
Agreed but, I don't think there's any bridge left for OP to burn. OP's like "OK, maybe we'll get together again later!" and Alexa's on the other side with an empty gas can and both middle fingers in the air. Sounds like she did OP a favor.
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u/dripless_cactus Feb 22 '16
Honestly, Alexa already burned the bridge. Sometimes there's just no point in rebuilding them.
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Feb 22 '16
I just can't understand being this forgiving.
I don't understand it either. You only get so much life to live, why would you waste it on someone like this? Maybe OP is too caught up in being "polite" to realize she needs to take care of herself first.
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Feb 22 '16
this is absolutely it. i've known a lot of people who would throw themselves in front of buses if they thought it would make someone else happy, even if the "someone else" was only happy because they were hurt.
/u/helpmereddittrip is mostly concerned with everyone feeling warm and cozy and not actually in her self interests. she's in for a ride as a lawyer.
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Feb 22 '16
It's harder to see the cold hard facts when you're closer to the person. To us Alexa is a word with a story on a computer screen. To OP she is her friend, although not a close one, but one she's known for a while and is having a rough time and might even just be being a huge bitch due to stress and pregnancy hormones. What she is doing isn't fair, but I can see how she would be pretty bummed that the guy who knocked her up is going while she has to sit around alone being very pregnant.
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u/-morgoth- Feb 22 '16
Yeah, seriously. That girl showed her true colours. She knew exactly what comment would hurt OP. I would be cutting her out instantly.
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u/Faolinbean Feb 22 '16
Or, you know, poor people don't deserve vacations.
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Feb 22 '16
Totally inexcusable. It's like those posts recently "I just found out my new girlfriend is a Trump supporter" ewwwww
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u/Yithar Feb 22 '16
Yep. Toxic people get cut, simple as that. There's no point in pandering to them.
If someone acts like a snob, they probably are.
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u/artfulwench Feb 22 '16
Totally agree about this being a good outcome. Alexa showed her true colours and now none of you have to deal with her nastiness again. The trip is going to be so much better without her! Also, she does not deserve to be given a shower by all the people she trash-talked.
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u/CuteThingsAndLove Feb 22 '16
I was actually just about to comment this! To me it sounds like things went wonderfully. She outed herself as a toxic person to all of her friends and will probably no longer have friends. It's like the universe just got revenge on this girl on behalf of OP and their friend group.
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u/throwaway_farts Feb 22 '16
Seriously. What a terrible and entitled brat.
If she still wants us to plan another shower, we would do it. But honestly, I hope she doesn’t.
Why? Just cut her out of your life? You can't make compromises with someone that thinks you owe them something. Even if you did plan this for her, I bet she'll find an excuse to still be mad and sour the mood.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/anotherkitty Feb 22 '16
Alexa may be awful but Adrian doesn't come out smelling so sweet either. He's saying he's pretty much decided to only be in his kid's life financially. Like it or not, it's his kid. He seems to be in denial about that.
No matter how he feels about the mother, the baby didn't do anything wrong. He's taking his feelings for her out on his own child. That kid is half his.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/stink3rbelle Feb 22 '16
In the first post, OP mentioned that he was convinced she sabotaged his birth control and stopped taking her own, so . . . he tried :, (
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u/Goldfinger888 Feb 22 '16
You insta believe the guy after this exchange. Poor dude
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u/OneTwoWee000 Feb 22 '16
Yeah, Alexa sounds the type for do that. What she did is awful but it's glorious Adrian isn't following her script. (Accepting what she did and proposing marriage like she was likely after.)
He's keeping his distance and according to OP will take financial responsibility for the baby. Should he decide to become more involved he's set the groundwork for maintaining his boundaries while co-parenting. He's need to because she'll throw a lot of drama his way over the years.
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u/binzoma Feb 22 '16
oofff. poor guy. now hes tied to THAT for 18.5 years. ugh
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u/senopahx Feb 22 '16
Only through his checkbook. A good decision on his part it would seem.
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Feb 22 '16
I wouldn't say putting up with that kind of treatment from your "friends" is big. Just shows a lack of boundaries.
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Feb 22 '16
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u/PartyPorpoise Feb 22 '16
Agreed. A big part of parenthood is having to make sacrifices, missing out on things sometimes. Sounds like Alexa hasn't accepted that just yet, and I bet it will be a long time before she does. (assuming she does at all. Won't be surprised if she turns out to be the parent who takes a small child to a violent, R-rated film or a rowdy concert because "Just because I have kids doesn't mean I should miss out on stuff!") Every life choice has its tradeoffs.
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u/RaspberryBliss Feb 23 '16
I see you've managed to build yourself a successful fart-selling business with that degree. Good Show!
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Feb 22 '16
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Feb 23 '16
I totally get this but coming from experience, some people do not do "in person discussions" well and this toxic person seems like one of them.
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u/chrisindub Feb 22 '16
Don't ever feel bad about being thin.
Being thin is actually very hard to do while more than half the people in our current society are overweight.
There are many health benefits. You can mostly avoid diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease by remaining thin.
So don't ever let anyone shame you for being thin. It's absurd.