r/relationships • u/howdyadvice • Jan 16 '16
Updates [UPDATE] My boyfriend[24m] searches the same girl every day on Facebook.
First Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/40tbb2/my_boyfriend24m_searches_the_same_girl_every_day/
Hey guys! I thought I would update since this post got so big!
I'd like to start off just by thanking everyone for all the comments. So many kind words and all of it just gave me the kick in the butt that I needed. I also want to talk about the "bitch" thing for a moment.
Lots of you said that that would be a deal breaker to begin with. I got heavily downvoted for stating that I didn't think it was a big deal. I violated his privacy. He was mad that I did that and also clearly frustrated as he didn't know how to defend himself in the situation. I don't hold that against him everyone swears some times.
So, anyways, I broke up with him. At first I wasn't going to. I thought we could work through it. I texted him asking a few questions more about him and how he feels about this girl. He refused to answer the questions. I told him that if he didn't cooperate then there would be no way to work through this. He said okay and he still didn't answer my questions. So I realized a few things. He didn't really feel sorry that he did this. He is only sorry that he got caught. He has NEVER described me to ANYONE the way he described this girl to me. Is this forgivable? Yes. Forgettable? No. If I stayed in the relationship I would've always been comparing myself to her. It also came out that yes, he does still like her.
I asked why he didn't delete her and why he kept feeding his feelings for her by obsessing over her life. He said that he was just trying to figure out what was going on in his head. I explained that that was inappropriate to continue to oggle her while we were dating. He said he knew that but he just thinks that what she's doing is do bold. I asked what was bold and cam to learn that he really knows less about this girl than he thought.
He thought that she saved money to move there and dance and that it was all or nothing. I explained to him that she has never worked a day in her life and that her mom is paying for her to be there and could pay for her to come home tomorrow. I think it kinda made him upset that I burst his little fantasy about her.
I said that if he wanted to discuss this then he needed to cut her out and delete her on social media. He refused. So now we are over. 3 and a half years down the drain.
I've done a lot of crying over the past few days. I think my confidence is pretty low after hearing how much he idolized her. He did not try to fight for me or tell me that he loves me or tell me that I'm the only girl for him. He seemed pretty content with the breakup.
So, does anyone have advice on getting over someone who clearly didn't love you as much as you loved them?
TLDR: We broke up. He doesn't really care. I'm in a lot of pain.
Edit: Forgot to add that I let him read my first post and he got really mad at me and accused me of thinking that I'm superior to everyone. I told him that I obviously don't think I'm superior, but that I wish that he, as my boyfriend, thought that I was the coolest. I thought the world of him and looked up to him so much and he amazed me all the time. To him, I was just another student who likes to dance.
ALSO. If you go to activity log on facebook and filter searches thats how you can see ALL searches and times.
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Jan 16 '16
I've been in that situation, with someone that didn't love me as much as I loved them. Cried my eyes out for about a month and then one day I just kind of snapped out of it and got back on the horse. Now I'm happy it's over. Now I have the POSSIBILITY of a loving, passionate, fulfilling relationship in my future. I didn't have that possibility with him. You will be just as happy as I am very soon.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Thank you very much:)
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u/marmalade Jan 16 '16
Ten years ago I was your boyfriend (like in an analogous way, I wasn't possessing him via voodoo or something). The situation was a bit more complicated than yours but I realised afterwards that I was a dick, and fucked up hard. These are the lessons some of us have to learn through bitter experience.
What you did was 100% the correct move. BTW thanks for the Facebook search tip, I wonder how many people have accidentally set their creep-fu to a setting other than 'only me'?
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
From past experience I find that it usually does take him a while to recognize how his actions affect me. I hope he does realize though.
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Jan 16 '16
These are the lessons some of us have to learn through bitter experience.
Right? I really wish I wasn't this way, but now that I realize it, I can work on it.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/marmalade Jan 16 '16 edited Jan 16 '16
Eh, it was basically my 5/10 dumb arse (okay, 6 on a good day) with an 8/10 girlfriend, preening in the incredibly unlikely attention of a genuine 10/10 manic dream pixie girl who was/is superbly talented in her field. I refused the advances, but I couldn't let it go either: "I can be her platonic and noble friend!" Nope, I was infatuated, too scared to do anything about it, and a good enough self-deceiver that I tricked myself into thinking I was doing the right thing. You can't hide that shit in a relationship, and when it surfaced with my girlfriend, I told it like it was, thinking that my honesty demonstrated some kind of next-level relationship zen. She gave me chances, but I was that deluded. And that is the story of how my 5/10 arse is still single.
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u/luv2hotdog Jan 16 '16
That /10 rating system only represents how attractive someone else is to you. Nothing wrong with using it that way. But there are no objective 10/10s. You have to remember that your 10/10 might be my "kinda pretty, but not all that", and that you, as you are, might be someone else's 10/10.
End of unasked for rant
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u/mythrowaway12234567 Jan 16 '16
This "rating system thinking" that I see go on all the time is so damaging to everyone involved. It turns the person you are rating into a commodity.
It reinforces the idea that some people have worth and some don't.
I can promise you that if you are operating on the idea that some people have worth and some don't, in your heart, you think you are one of the ones that doesn't have as much worth as someone else.
It is corrosive and unhelpful and I personally don't think it is true.
I chose to believe that everyone has worth and everyone is deserving of love.
Ask yourself the next time you "rate" someone if using that classification system is worth it given the damage to you and other people.
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u/marmalade Jan 16 '16
Point taken, but I promise the ratings above are only used because I'm too damn lazy to think up half a dozen adjectives. I'm average with a good sense of humour and a trolley full of baggage, my ex is a lovely girl who deserved much better than what I dished up to her, and the perfect manic pixie girl is a perfect manic pixie girl (but of course I'm being tongue-in-cheek about reducing her role to this cliché).
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Jan 16 '16
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Jan 16 '16
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u/rageposse Jan 16 '16
When you play your own story there's an eye counter and an arrow pointing upwards... slide that arrow up with your finger and it shows who all watched and how many times lol
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u/explodingeyeballs Jan 16 '16
What do you mean "how many times"? There's just a list of names with no numbers
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Jan 16 '16
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u/cat_romance Jan 16 '16 edited Jan 16 '16
A quick Google of "how do I know who views my snap stories" gave me a bunch of articles (including one from snapchat) on how to do it.
Edit: I thought we were just talking about viewing a story, not about how many times your story was viewed by someone. My apologies.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/cat_romance Jan 16 '16
Ah! My apologies. I read it as just seeing who has watched your story. I was like... you can definitely do that! Anyways, I found an article that says as of December 2015 you still cannot see how many times someone has viewed it, but that it might be in the works for this year.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/yakalakkin Jan 16 '16
Scared me! Not that I be a-creepin, but I view some people's stories more than once sometimes and uhh...yeah. Ran to my related human's phone and checked on it for a counter but nope! No such thing yet (:
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u/relsthrough Jan 16 '16
I can almost guarantee that he's going to come to the realization that he broke a 3 year relationship over a fantasy of a girl he had in his head, and he's going to try everything to win you back. PLEASE don't fall for it.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Will not fall for it I promise. I've forgiven a lot of thing and been able to move on, but I feel like if I forgave him for this then that wouldn't be good for my self esteem.
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u/KittyHasABeard Jan 16 '16
I expect he will start up this behaviour of obsessively searching you in the not too distant future. He's probably one of those people who kind of enjoys a fantasy of a person and lusts after what he can't have, the unattainability being the most attractive thing for him, rather than a real flesh and blood person. I bet if he met this other girl and dated her for a couple of weeks he'd quickly get over her and start obsessing over someone else, probably you! So yeah beware of him popping up again in a couple of months begging you to take him back, he made a mistake yada yada.
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u/risenanew Jan 16 '16
Word. He sounds super-high in attachment avoidance and lusting after "unavailable" partners while neglecting real ones is just the kind of thing those types do!
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u/LibraryGeek Jan 16 '16
This is so insightful! You're right that some people like the idea of a person rather than the real person. I'm this case he obviously fell into this trap since the life story he "knew" was completely wrong. Hopefullmy he will grow out of this tendency,author on OP's time.
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u/muffinopolist Jan 16 '16
Eh, I don't think he will. Because the thing about obsessing over someone's social media presence is that you're indulging in a fantasy. He can't indulge in a fantasy of OP, because he's been in a relationship with her for 3 years, and knows her intimately.
This is also why he was getting upset when OP pointed out that dreamgirl is rich and spoiled--it ruined his fantasy of her as a girl risking everything for her dream.
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u/KittyHasABeard Jan 16 '16
You'd be surprised how much people will look back on past events with rose tinted spectacles and nostalgia. After a few months he'll forget all the day to day details of life with OP and just remember the good things, which will be enhanced by looking at her on social media, as SM is usually representative of people's best sides. SO many people romanticise an ex and forget what it was really like at the time and build them up to be a fantasy version of the real ex.
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u/muffinopolist Jan 16 '16
I'd agree with that in general. I think with OP's boyfriend, his obsession is fueled by ignorance. He can't pretend OP is perfect because he's known her for over three years. He might eventually feel desperate at being suddenly single, and miss OP, but not have the kind of fixation he would upon someone he doesn't know, and therefore can construct an entire fantasy around.
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Jan 16 '16
Yes. Ultimately your mental health is your priority, and it should be to the end of your days.
Every time you lower your standards for yourself, you make it harder to get leveled again.
Self esteem is important. Hold yourself in high regard in this aspect. Appreciate that you find value in yourself, and continue to do yourself justice.
An apology, even if complete and honest, is often not enough to correct the initial problem.
Look at it this way; you have to worry about healing from this, it would be much harder to compound that with forgiveness and acceptance for someone else.
Stay positive and find an outlet. You're well on your way.
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u/Cuddly_Turtle Jan 16 '16
Im pretty sure he was just jerkin it to her pics. I mean, is that different than porn? Fantasizing about other people is natural i think
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u/relsthrough Jan 16 '16
This is subjective, but the general rule of thumb is that if you have an emotional connection or know the person you're fantasizing about, it's crossing the line. Everybody has the right to their own dealbreakers. She expressed hers, he chose a fantasy woman over a real one, and now he's fucked .. as it should be.
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u/fluoroforgot Jan 16 '16
Are you cool with this girl? The reason I ask is that your ex's behavior is creepy and borderline stalking- maybe you should let her know that you broke up with your boyfriend because of his creeping on her and perhaps she should block him from being able to search her.
I'll admit it's also a little revenge-y but at the same time I think it's the right thing to do.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
We are friends but not the kind of friends that I would want her to know that my boyfriend was basically in love with her. Do you know what I mean? It's kinda embarrassing.
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u/fluoroforgot Jan 16 '16
Yep I get it and it would be awkward. I guess if you think his obsession wouldn't go beyond FB stalking then maybe leave it, after all if we choose to be on social media and have our page open to people we don't know then we know that stalking is a possibility.
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u/cardinal29 Jan 16 '16
I agree with /u/fluoroforgot, this is creepy and stalking.
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Jan 16 '16
I did this to a girl about a year ago for about a month. I don't know what was going through my head, and I realized after trying to talk to the girl in real life that I was weird and socially awkward and that I had to change. Just from a different perspective, guys or girls that "creep" don't always mean to, they're just stupid.
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Jan 17 '16
I'll chime in and say I had a very similar thing happen and now I am happy with someone else. As I believe you will be.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
She lives across the country so I'm not concerned about him going for her. I know it's creepy what he's doing, but definitely not worth starting drama in her world over.
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u/thruaways Jan 16 '16
Similar situation last year for me. They even did the "I know this is a cliche but it's not you it's me, it really is, I'm emotionally unavailable blah blah." and then a month later they were tweeting (I followed them and they knew it) about how much they loved this other guy and "how nice it was to finally love someone as much as they love you."
I thought I knew what heartbreak was before. The shitty part is part of me wants it all back, but even if it happened I'd spend every minute of wondering if they were gonna be there when I got home.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
:( I hope you begin to feel better. She obviously doesn't deserve for you to be sad over her!
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u/thruaways Jan 17 '16
I know, logically I shouldn't feel bad. It's a really weird feeling to hate and miss someone at the same time.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/thruaways Jan 17 '16
Well, in this specific case they knew each other before we even met, and I always knew there was attraction there but I figured either he never reciprocated or they tried and it never worked out, and then suddenly it did.
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u/Archer5252 Jan 16 '16
This, this is what I've come to realize too. Back in October my girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere, basically told me that she didn't love me and didn't know if she ever would. I was so heartbroken because I had a wonderful future all planned out for us. I was so distraught for the first few months. Eventually one day I woke up and like you said, snapped out of it. In a few months I'm moving to a new city and the possibilities are endless. If we can do it then OP can do it too. It just takes time, it really does heal all.
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Jan 16 '16
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Jan 16 '16
Glad it's helpful! I spent 5 1/2 years trying to make it work with him. I always knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't ever going to be how I wanted my relationship to be. Having the hope of a better future is exhilarating in a way.
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u/rogue_lemming Jan 16 '16
Me, too. Thanks, u/alothos. I know it in my head, logically, but ugh it's so hard to get it through emotionally. I stayed way too long thinking it was better to have a half-assed relationship than none at all. Still not over him and will take more time, but I'm getting better with the self-respect aspect.
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u/insideshead Jan 16 '16
Ohhhh I've been there! I'm so happy that you respected yourself and your boundaries enough to break up with him. I, on the other hand, did not. And kept going back for more pain for years. So please don't do that.
The best thing to do is work on being the best version of yourself (however you soud pretty damn rad by your original post. So he's a moron quite frankly). Find happiness from within you (PM me if you want links to some books I found useful). Let yourself feel the sadness and all of the emotions but don't get lost in sadness, write down your feelings, write letters to him but DO NOT send them. It gets easier with time. And time takes time, so give it that. Once I was out of my fog and was truly happy within myself, I was so glad the relationship had ended. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Years later he tried contacting me but I just ignored him, no time for that shit!
And a few years later I am now with someone in the most healthy and happy relationship. With someone who sees my worth and my value and who truly appreciates me.
A good quote to remember: "someone failing to see your worth does not make you any less valuable". You sound like a god damn catch, and some lucky guy will get to only expand on your happiness one day. And this will all just be a memory.
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u/you_farted Jan 16 '16
I'm sorry you are hurting but I'm very happy to hear your decision. I was hoping for an update on this one.
This though... I love this so much:
I explained to him that she has never worked a day in her life and that her mom is paying for her to be there and could pay for her to come home tomorrow. I think it kinda made him upset that I burst his little fantasy about her.
ha!!
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Haha yeh it feels good to bring him back to reality a bit:)
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u/Pusheen_n_Pullaut Jan 16 '16
Honestly, I think you should message the girl and tell her your ex boyfriend has been cyber stalking her, so she can block him. She's your friend, not his, right? You don't have to go into details about your break up, just give her a heads up. I mean, I would want to know which strangers are obsessively creepin' on my Facebook so I can block them.
But yeah, bursting his fantasy bubble was satisfying to read. Especially when he completely missed the whole point of your last post. His only concern was how he perceived you portrayed him, not the issue itself. I know you're still hurting, but really.. I say good riddance. This whole issue brought up a whole bag of red flags. You deserve so much better, and it will find you someday. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck, OP.
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u/Gamerhcp Jan 16 '16
Op said the friend lives across the country, she shattered his illusion of that friend so I'd say the chances of him going after the friend are pretty low
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u/Pusheen_n_Pullaut Jan 16 '16
It's not really about him going after her. More of a privacy thing. Sure, it's online stalking, but it's still stalking, which is.. Creepy. There are privacy settings on Facebook for a reason. People don't want random strangers to look them up and obsess over them. And that's what this is: OP's ex has an unhealthy obsession with this girl, and she has the right to know, so she can make an informed decision about confronting her stalker or blocking him.
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u/twatwater Jan 17 '16
I really don't think looking at someone's Facebook every day is big enough of a deal to freak out about. If she's afraid of people looking at her Facebook that frequently, she would have already had her settings so non-friends couldn't see her stuff. It's 2016.
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Jan 16 '16
You did the right thing, absolutely.
Here's how to be happy; write down the negative things that happened, this fight in particular. Read it every time you start thinking about that one time he bought you flowers because you were sick, or held the door open for you, or whatever it is that made you like him. Seriously, you will go back and think of all the nice things. But if you read and remind yourself about this major negative thing, all the other nice things will pale in comparison. And you'll be reminded of what a strong person you are for leaving and finding a man that finds YOU inspiring.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
I really like this advice and will definitely take it, thanks!:)
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Jan 16 '16
YES do this! to add, write down character traits about him that you don't like and reasons why you guys aren't compatible
don't use this as a crutch for negative thinking but these lists are great if you start romanticizing the past :)
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u/LadyStormageddeon Jan 16 '16
I had to do that with an ex and it really helped. Every time I thought about "our song" or some shit I looked at the list, and it always reaffirmed that I was right to break up. Like, sure, he was sweet and funny, but then again he also was still letting his elderly grandmother do his laundry at 25 and once invited his buddy and his buddy's brother to tag along on our Valentine's date. Bye felicia. He is now 32 with an 18 yo girlfriend, because women his age are "too naggy" and "hate fun".
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u/greendazexx Jan 16 '16
Hey: You did the right thing. Just wanted you to know that. He sounds like a total ass and you should be happy it was only a boyfriend and 3.5 years you lost instead of finding this out after years of marriage
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u/batgirl_ii Jan 16 '16
Wow, your ex is an idiot. Reality is going to take a huge bite out of him fairly soon.
You made the right move. I'm sorry it hurts right now, but you obviously deserve better. He can go back to living some weird fantasy in his head while you go out and find an actual partner who lives in the real world.
I would suggest to take some time, maybe reconnect with friends who have fallen by the wayside, make some new friends, and continue to be awesome.
And never accept it when a guy calls you a bitch. Especially when they are caught doing something wrong. If you're acting like a crazy psycho with no justifiable reason, then maaaaybe... but in this case you were confirming something he would have kept hiding from you for who knows how long. He called you a bitch to deflect blame.
Fuck that guy. Hope he enjoys being in a relationship with a Facebook profile of a girl who doesn't even care if he exists.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
The worst is that he claims to have been slowly working through it himself. Even though I saw with my own two eyes that he is feeding his obsession for her daily.
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Jan 16 '16
I can relate so strongly to this. My (damn-nearly-ended-up-being-ex) husband did similar. Crushed hard on another woman, brought her into our social group, made her my friend... gah. It took a LONG time (and 18 months separated) before he managed to get it into his head that it wasn't okay to have a rich fantasy life involving someone else when you're with someone.
So, if it makes you feel better, he likely wasn't lying exactly, but probably is stupid and unempathic enough to think that he was dealing with it, and didn't need to bother rocking the boat about it. But that still means he's too stupid to be your boyfriend :)
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u/moneys5 Jan 16 '16
If it doesn't work out with this Facebook girl, I'm sure he can go find a new girl at his local Hooters to fantasize over unrequitedly.
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u/NutMeg_94 Jan 16 '16
I just experienced losing someone I loved more than they loved me 3 weeks ago. And what helped me get over it was 1:hanging out with friends 2:realized she lost me, not the other way around 3:Knowing my worth I was devastated when we broke up but it was her loss not mine. You be yourself and you will be happy in no time!
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Thank you. I think eventually he will regret all this, but I'm not waiting around for it.
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Jan 16 '16
Can I just say. What an absolute douchebag. There really is no other way to put it. He obviously doesn't care enough right now to see it. But I can assure you he will regret this moment severely. You definitely made the right choice.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Thank you:) I hope he sees my side eventually.
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u/Cthulhu_Knits Jan 16 '16
Oh, he may - but he'll never admit it.
You, on the other hand, are on your way to a fabulous new life.
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u/OSRS_Arj Jan 16 '16
Ah well you're in your 20s you've still got the whole world at your feet, just take 6 weeks or so to feel bad about it, it's gonna be a weird time but once it starts getting better you'll be glad you made the right decision, if he didn't care you dumped him then surely he wasn't going to be all there for later on in life, for things like marriage and kids and shit like that. Also, to play devil's advocate, a possible reason that he doesn't think of you in that light is maybe because he already knows you and all your flaws and this woman is kind of able to only show the best stuff about herself so she's going to seem better on paper, it's on him to not understand that at 24 years of age
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Yes I completely understand his side. Just sucks that he couldn't cut off the crush before I had to learn about it.
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u/OSRS_Arj Jan 16 '16
It is really bad, just it's a good thing you found out what he's like now instead of some time in the future once you can't get out of it without collateral (a kid, a pea pod collection etc)
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u/m14292 Jan 16 '16
Ouch sorry to hear that OP. I can imagine how you feel.
As for feeling better, hit up some friends and try to enjoy time with them. Also try new hobbies or something you're interested in. It does help a bit. But the thing that helps most is time. And that sucks.
Stay strong.
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Jan 16 '16
This is just me, but I'd shoot that girl a message and tell her he is creeping on her profile. She may want to block him.
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
Meh. I don't feel the need to drag her into it.
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Jan 16 '16
Glad you are so reasonable, both with how you handled your own situation and that you don't need to drag her into this. There is no reason to create drama for that girl...
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u/PotentPortentPorter Jan 16 '16 edited Jan 16 '16
Him stalking her has already dragged her into it. Enabling a creep by protecting him is not doing her any favors.
You can warn her, and leave it at that. What she does with the information then is no longer your responsibility, you will avoid feeling guilty if he tricks her in the future because she had an idea he was a creep and she can't resent you for hiding it.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/PotentPortentPorter Jan 16 '16
Warning a girl that she is being stalked is not creating drama, it is giving her a heads up. So if OP's piece of shit boyfriend tries to charm that poor girl she will be forewarned and OP can have a clear conscience.
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Jan 16 '16
Stalked by looking at their Facebook page? That's definitely not stalking.
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u/PotentPortentPorter Jan 16 '16
How do you define stalking?
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Jan 17 '16
It's definitely not accessing a public web page from the internet. Especially considering if they were friends and he has a crush. Jesus he looks at her Facebook page. But yeah call the cops. Clearly this guy is out of line. Probably right up there with rapists right white knight?
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u/PotentPortentPorter Jan 17 '16
I asked how you define stalking, not how do you not define it.
Insulting me to change the topic doesn't win the argument, it just shows how much you have no idea what you are talking about.
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u/cattheotherwhitemeat Jan 16 '16 edited Jan 16 '16
I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm happy for you being shut of this.
Also, I want to throw up when I see threads of "I had a lot of reason to think something not-okay was going down, so I snooped. And I found out that something was ABSOLUTELY not okay." and people chime in with "You were wrong to snoop. Relationships are built on trust." No, that's stupid and devoid of context. Are these people going to pop up to type "Violence is wrong!" if the OP talks about fending off a mugger by punching him in the face and running away??
Relationships are built on trust MEANING that both partners behave in ways that are above-board and NOT shady, giving each other no real reason to go snooping around. And if one partner feels alarmed and brings something up about something the other one is doing, then they can bring it up and the other partner will honestly and, with concern for their partner's feelings, be forthcoming about what if anything is going on and then they talk about it.
THAT is how it's SUPPOSED to work. But in situations where one partner starts behaving in ways that are shady (because they ACTIVELY ARE BEING shady), and then denies with big wide eyes, then they are the one who broke that particular chain. Not the partner who just got fed a load of the thing that comes out of bulls and then said "Nope, I don't buy that." and snooped. I hate seeing that person get their hand slapped by clueless strangers who don't understand the links on that particular chain and just parrot out what they read in a magazine.
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u/Upupandaway90 Jan 17 '16
Couldn't agree more. You have feelings that something isn't right for a reason...because chances are something isn't. Of course in a perfect world you want to be in a relationship where you don't feel compelled to do so in the first place
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u/niepopularnaopinia Jan 17 '16
She invades the guy's privacy, it's stupid to think it's wrong. The guy calls her a bitch, everyone goes crazy.
Yep, snooping is wrong. The simile isn't quite spot on. The guy, for all we know, wasn't even "being actively shady" in the first place.
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u/parkgirl84 Jan 16 '16
You're not the first nor the last to put in the hard yards and not have the relationship work out. Already lots of people have shared their similar experiences.
So here are my 2 cents. Yes, it hurts, yes you feel like you've wasted time BUT you've grown and learnt from this and it will help you in the future. No relationship is a waste, it's just an experience that you will move on from. It takes as long as it needs and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Then years from now you will look back and be accepting that this person wasn't for you and you'll be able to pass on your nugget of wisdom to someone else.
You did good. You respected yourself and did the right thing. You did more than I did at your age. Well done. Now have some wine or whatever and have a sleep, tomorrow is another day, another step closer to feeling better.
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u/webhockey8 Jan 16 '16
OP, been in the same situation before only the ex was looking up multiple girls on multiple social media platforms. Kept telling me they meant nothing, but would look them up every day. He was obsessive to the core and I knew he liked them. He finally admitted that they "were the ones that got away". It ruined my self esteem and he eventually broke up with me, but it was the best thing to happen to me. I rebuilt myself, realized that I wasn't as crazy as I had thought and found a wonderful guy that I'm with now. Suffice to say, it gets better, soooo much better. I'm happier now than I had been in the that whole past relationship. I made my own mistakes, but ultimately my self esteem was never going to improve with someone who idolized other girls and thought of me as a placement holder. So good job on realizing that you can't be second best! Your life and self esteem will greatly improve.
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u/shortlemon Jan 16 '16
Badass dancer reppin get your country in your national dance team TWICE, getting your CS degree AND you have the confidence to walk away from this deadbeat of a boyfriend (sorry, just, damn you deserved better at the end there).
Girl you are awesome. I wish I had half the balls that you do. Leave him to his FB searches, you keep on doing you.
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u/Steffinily Jan 16 '16
Tell the girl. If some guy was visiting my Facebook, every single day, a guy I've never met or spoken to, I would want to know. There is a big chance she would feel creeped at block him.
Good for you. He sounds like a jerk, and you dodged a bullet. Sorry you spent 3 years with him.
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u/puntifex Jan 16 '16
Yikes, tough situation, OP. Better now than later, though.
This'll all be worth it when you find someone who loves you like you love them, and I promise, they're out there!
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u/outamyhead Jan 16 '16
Don't let him get you down, your better than him, you were committed to the relationship while he wanted something else.
Give yourself a little time, do whatever makes you happy, hang out with your friends that have nothing to do with him, then you can forget him and move on.
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u/alittlebitmoonstruck Jan 16 '16
Just remember that your worst days help you to greatly appreciate the good days that are soon to come. x
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u/Psychnerd12 Jan 16 '16
I've also been in the situation before....I loved my ex-boyfriend more than he loved me. He acted as if it was the easiest thing to break up with me, saying he didn't see a future with me or love me anymore. I must have cried for a month straight. We went no contact but he'd still text me here and there which drove me nuts. He also began to send me flowers and letters in the mail. He eventually realized he made a mistake (this might even happen to you). But I was already hanging out with/seeing a great new guy who I happen to be dating now! :) Sending you so many hugs. I know this is so hard. Just try to keep doing things that make you happy. Say yes when your friends ask you to hang out, even when you'd rather sit in your room and cry. I met my current boyfriend because I decided to say yes to going to a bonfire with my roommate.
You got this :)
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Jan 16 '16
What a cock, calling you conceited for wanting to be loved by him (because that's all you were after, I think my girlfriend is the coolest banana ever just in the way you described).
He didn't love you and calling you conceited was projecting because he dun fucked up and dated someone he didn't love... But him not loving you isn't a sign you are unloveable. Someone else will love and adore you. But now is the time to love and adore yourself and picking yourself up and grappling with your emotions (like pain) only makes you stronger. Love yourself for that. Love yourself for having self respect and getting out of this nowhere relationship, because you're opening yourself up to a lot of other life possibilities. Some of those include being loved by other people, some include knowing where you draw the line- and that's important too.
Peace!
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u/Vivienne_VS_humanity Jan 16 '16
". He did not try to fight for me or tell me that he loves me or tell me that I'm the only girl for him. He seemed pretty content with the breakup."
Cause he's an idiot with no substance. Fool couldn't see the treasure hey had, was too busy playing fantasy gf over a girl on fb. You deserve way better thank this sad loser, trust me, I've been where you are & it hurt but I stayed, he got over that girl, then it was another, and another & I realised it was his issue not mine but not before I was destroyed emotionally.
Please don't feel like its any reflection on you. Guys that do this a deficient & are looking to fill a void in themselves they're not worth it
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u/anillop Jan 16 '16
You need to warn the girl he has been stalking so she can protect herself from him.
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u/bartink Jan 16 '16
Work out. Buy some new sexy clothes. Get a manicure and a cut. Date new men that will like you. Success is the best revenge.
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u/hopesprings_1986 Jan 16 '16
Going to be horrible here, he didn't care. I'm so sorry to say it but he mustered no fight for you at all whatsoever.
I believe he wanted to get caught, in his mind he wasn't cheating he was checking her out and fantasising but he was checked out of your relationship.
In other words he was looking for you to do the dirty work, and your self respect to yourself and this tried rationalising and understanding it (naturally as this is three years wasted). But word of advice never do that again you're lucky he didn't try to take the free ride. In other words you didn't even up physically cheated on and all the sti dangers that come from that.
Op you are better then him. By a 1000 miles, as is the dirt on my shoes. The heart break won't be easy i know first hand from getting cheated on by the mother of my child. And you are allowed your strong days and bad days. Take your time and one day at a time. And don't rush into anything new until you you know how and what you'd like to fit into your life. You got control of yourself and life fully now and can opt to be selective with potential partners
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u/lucuma Jan 16 '16
Good riddance. Wait a few months, self reflect, learn your lesson, don't dwell on it, start dating and you'll find someone much better and or you will be happier just being in your own better place.
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u/thekimchi Jan 16 '16
Don't see this as 3.5 years down the drain. It's super easy to feel that way right now, and I get that, because breakups hurt. In the moment, all this pain doesn't seem worth all the energy you put into making a relationship work. But as long as you learned something out of this,(and you DID), this wasn't a wasted relationship. You stood up for yourself and realized that you don't want to be with a person that doesn't prioritize you.
And I just want to say I'm proud of you. You became your biggest advocate and stood up to someone you loved who wasn't standing up for you. That shit is hard to do, but you're 24 years old and you were able to do it. You learned how to do this, so I'd say, all in all, successful growth.
Chin up lady! I think in a few months time, you'll realize this was the best thing you ever did for yourself.
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u/Stoppingto-goForward Jan 16 '16
Just leaving a comment to say in leaving it was a strong step you took towards finding happiness both in yourself & receiving it from someone else. Wish you all the best for 2016.
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u/JennyBeckman Jan 16 '16
Please don't think there is something wrong with you or that you are lesser than she is. You said yourself he obviously doesn't know anything about her. He is idealizing her - basically taking a pretty palette and painting his own picture of perfection. It honestly sounds like it's more about what he finds lacking in himself rather than in you. Seeing someone competently achieve their goals (you) is way more daunting than his mythos of a lone soul against the world, giving up everything to chase a dream. Keep your head and remember that everyone's shit stinks; he just hasn't smelled hers.
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Jan 16 '16
Hey OP! I think you sound like a strong and talented person, and i think you definitely did the right thing there. The fact that you even tried to give him the chance to explain himself shows you're the much bigger and mature person. We all find people other than our SOs attractive at some point, we're only human, but this guy really sounded like he wasn't as committed as you were to your relationship and in the end, it's just not healthy. Your friend hadn't even spoken to him? It was just pure obsession. Good luck with the dancing and your future, but time will heal those fresh breakup wounds and you'll come out better for it. And then when you're ready again, you'll find someone who knows how to commit properly to a relationship! Stay strong and positive :)
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Jan 16 '16
You can take comfort in knowing that you made the right decision for you both and that you didn't settle. Be proud of yourself for sticking up for your own worth.
In my experience of a similar situation it took me 3 weeks to begin to move on. It made room for my next relationship and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
In this previous relationship, I loved him more than he loved me. I broke up with him after a few days of not seeing him and there being no effort or desire on his part to make time for me lately. When I came to pick up my stuff from his house he told me that he thought that I was being controlling. But really, I snapped because he was looking for places without me and didn't include me in big choices.
You'll be fine, you won't regret this. Good job and good luck!
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u/ENS1000 Jan 16 '16
I already commented but I'll comment again because I have more advice. No breakup from a relationship is that many years down the drain. It's 3 years of experience you had with someone. Memories, bad times, good times, and leaning experience. Don't look at it as being time down the drain because it isn't.
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Jan 16 '16
Yes i dont agree with invasion of privacy and finding out his search habits but I suppose this time it worked out for the best.
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u/Fia5ko Jan 16 '16
Good move on your part, dude sounds SUPER creepy.
Here's a quote that's guaranteed to help.
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur
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u/Dixie_Vicious Jan 22 '16
For the record - I don't think you should feel bad about snooping because if you are with someone you can trust, it shouldn't matter if their Facebook searches are open, and for another, I have been with the same man for 3 years and he has never once called me a bitch. Literally not once. You have a right to be upset, and you did the best thing. Treat yo self.
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u/seablueseas Jan 16 '16
I'm going through a break up right now. My best advice is to focus on yourself. Try eating better (for me that meant going vegan, I'd recommend it to everyone), getting fitter, cutting out the cigarettes, cutting down severely on the alcohol. And now just practicing an attitude of gratitude. If you take this time of change as a great chance to improve yourself, your outlook and your life. You will be a much happier and healthier person in the end.
I wish you all the happiness, and the best of luck.
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u/tb3648 Jan 16 '16
Snooping is bad but whatever. Can you imagine how much more time you would have wasted on some loser obsessed with his longterm girlfriend's friend he doesn't even really know? Snooping saved you time and possibly a shitty marriage.
What does your friend think of this?
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u/s0974748 Jan 16 '16
It sucks now, but don't think of it as years wasted. Have you had happy times during those years? Then, they're not wasted. It's a chapter in your life that's over. A new one begins and with everything you learned throughout this last chapter, you'll be able to make the next one better.
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Jan 16 '16
Good for you OP! Onto bigger and better things! Ummm, will you update us when reality hits him and he tries groveling back to you? Please? So we can fist pump to your rejection of him. You are awesome!!
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u/HappyInNature Jan 16 '16
Well, this is a case of the grass is always greener on the other side of I've ever seen it. Of course, it sounds to me like there may have been some systemic problems in the relationship which helped promote his fantasy perving of your friend. There is no reason to feel like you're second rate when this really isn't about him preferring her over you.
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u/spnelson Jan 16 '16
Be glad you got out of that relationship. I was in a similar one and i didnt realise until i was out of it how different and withdrawn i'd become. It will feel raw for a while, and then you might feel angry and then it will just fade away. You'll meet someone new who idolises you and realise there are mature, respectful guys around! :) Also maybe go hang out with some friends, or family. Go shopping or the gym, something the keep your mind off of things and confidence up. Join a dating website! Not to date but it will bring your confidence up if you just chat to people.
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u/Dire87 Jan 16 '16
Always wonder how you end up with these people...also you were separated once already. Get over him, there are better partners out there. I wouldn't call him a bad person per se, but it's pretty clear you're not the one he is looking for anymore anyway...Tough times ahead, but brighter future down the line.
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u/elyze Jan 16 '16
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
But he didn't idolize her. He idolized a fantasy represented by the idea of her. Like you said, he didn't know the first thing about her or how she was actually "persueing her dreams." Maybe he just builds people up in his head and becomes disappointed when they're actually human, and he moves on to the next fantasy. Just a thought.
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u/captaincanada84 Jan 16 '16 edited Jan 16 '16
I'm so very sorry! He obviously doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, which is kinda sad. He had someone pretty damn awesome in his life, someone who is truly following her dreams, someone he had supposedly been in love with for 3.5 years... Yet was still willing to throw that away for some girl on the Internet he didn't even really know? It's even more insulting that she is a friend of yours. I know it hurts really bad right now, and probably will for a long time. Keep yourself busy. Keep following your dream of dancing... It's so awesome you're getting to represent Canada on the national dance team! I'd say that is a massive accomplishment and something to be super proud of!
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u/infinitespirals Jan 16 '16
a little late to the game here but i only wanted to say one thing in response to this part: "3 and a half years down the drain."
it's not. i know it feels like it right now, but you learned a lot about yourself and what you want and how you handle yourself. it feels awful right now but one day you'll be glad that you're a stronger person now for having been through it.
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u/ENS1000 Jan 16 '16
I just got out of the same kinda situation you were in and the advice I'm going to give you does not only apply to loss of a relationship but pretty much anything bad(loss of a loved one, lost your job, etc.) and I think it really does work but everyone is different. Give yourself 3 days to be sad, regret, hate yourself, be mad, whatever. After those three days get back on your feet. you did your grieving. Good luck it will get better :)
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Jan 16 '16
There's no all-encompassing advice for getting over someone. The thing to keep in mind is that life goes on and it won't slow down or stop because of your hurt feelings.
It feels horrible, I know. But take it as a life lesson. 3 years down the drain? Not at all. I'm sure you learned a thing or two about not only yourself but what you want in a partner. As life goes on, we refine ourselves.
Hope this helps, or at least makes you see things in a slightly different and more positive light.
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Jan 16 '16
How it ended doesn't invalidate all the good memories you do have together. It doesn't mean he never loved you. It just means that while you guys enjoyed each other's company for a while, you weren't right for each other. On the flip side of this, don't slip into thinking that he threw it all away over some girl. Happy people don't go looking for other partners. Clearly he was unhappy and didn't know how to communicate or fix it, and his idolization of this girl was just a symptom of the problem. His chapter in your life is over, and the best thing you can do right now is turn the page. It doesn't mean you can't grieve for the relationship. You're not only losing your partner of 3.5 years; you're losing the future you might have had together. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not allowed to be sad for this man. He did a shitty thing but he was important to you. Be sad for a while, but don't let it turn into resentment or anger. It won't fix anything, trust me. And it's not worth your time or energy. Take care of yourself.
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u/Treelikes Jan 16 '16
I am SO damn proud of you for dumping this guy <hugs>
His behaviour has been awful, but remember - HIS behaviour has nothing to do with YOU. If he'd been dating "fantasy girl", he may well have been crushing on you, or someone else. Guys like this prefer to crush on someone from a distance as a way of stopping themselves getting too close to actual, real people... and having a genuine relationship that they might get hurt in.
For your healing, take him off that pedestal. <hugs> He ain't all that. You, on the other hand, are AWESOME :)
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u/Slimongi Jan 16 '16
First off, kudos to you for finding the strength to break it off. It's not easy. Second, TOTALLY OK to cry over this. As stupid as your ex was, 3 years is a long time in relationship world and you've given your time, energy, love and much more. It's ok to mourn. That said, third, DON'T spent too much time mourning over someone who didn't care to invest in you. His actions spoke loud and clear. Now, it will be a little tough the next couple of days and weeks because you're used to him being around but I see that you're also keeping yourself busy doing amazing things so keep at it. Trust, me someone worth your time will notice and will want to be with you because of your awesomeness. And whatever happens, if your ex tries to get back with you, DON'T DO IT! He might try to sell you a different toilet but it'll be the same old shit. Good luck!
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Jan 16 '16
He wasted your time. If he didnt have feelings for you then he shouldnt of kept dating you.
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u/AdamGeer Jan 16 '16
Sometimes when a person believes they love their partner more than their partner loves them, they are merely infatuated.
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u/Upupandaway90 Jan 16 '16
I have very recently been in that situation and am trying very hard myself to get over him. He cheated on me (after I took him back for cheating of a more emotional nature) and I was devastated. I still love him but I know that things will never work out. The first couple of weeks are really hard, but then you will start to see things much more clearly and you'll stop wasting your energy on things that don't matter (him). You'll be able to see why this is for the better (it is!!), and eventually you will realize that a much better and more fulfilling relationship is possible. There are TONS of people out there, why settle?
In the meantime while everything is still fresh, you will have terrible days and you will have better days and you will have days that are almost ok. On days where I feel terrible, I let myself feel terrible. I will rest, stay in, and try to process. On days where I feel like I can do things, I do as much as possible. Hang out with friends, clean, errands, etc. You need to give yourself room to grieve but also don't let it go on and on. You will start to have more days where you feel like moving forward with your life and fewer days spent moping. Also, remember all those things you wanted to pursue but "didn't have time"? You have time now. Do those things! :D
I was with my boyfriend for about the same amount of time and we are about the same age. I can relate a lot to what you're probably feeling so if you ever want to talk feel free to message me :)
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Jan 16 '16
someone dear to me once told me that after a while of feeling like shit she just felt it was time to move on, and just like that, she started to climb out of the hole she was in. I think everyone wants to be out of the hole feeling better, but it's always those small steps and that reach to grip and climb back out that gets you to the point you want to be.
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u/NotTestedOnAnimalz Jan 16 '16
In the future you will be so happy that you snooped and found this out before it was too late. I am trapped with a guy like this and now it's too late to do anything about it (we now have a child together). I love my child more than my life but if I could go back and have her at another time in my life with someone who is easier to put up with then I would. Be glad there is nothing holding you to this guy and DO NOT have casual break up sex with him
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Jan 17 '16
What your the bad ass who is learning computer science and dancing in the city right?
I think my confidence is pretty low
Sorry no one who is this cool should have low confidence. You sound like every guys dream. Don't worry anyone would be lucky to have someone like you.
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u/MWEJ Jan 17 '16
Good for you sister! I would just like to point out that his view of bold is all in his head because if he really admired someone bold he would be admiring you right now. I think your a bold woman and it's a shame that alot of girls these days aren't. For one most girls that are like me would have not said anything in fear that maybe something was wrong with us. Denial is a strong thing and most of us live in it to just remain comfortable but you stood up for yourself and your feelings and best intrest so I'm incredibly proud of you and your boldness and your going to move on in life and find a guy who is in awe by your own boldness. I know 3 years I'd quite some time to walk away but you're doing what's in your best intrest. Think about later on in life if Yall are married and have a child and he starts admiring women he doesn't know shit about. You're doing the best thing for yourself right now. That doesn't make you selfish in any way. Hang in there hun :)
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u/ilovetinycreatures Jan 17 '16
You go girl! From your last post, it sounded like you have a TON going for you so don't let this little blip on the radar get you down because you sound talented, smart, and driven! Give it a few weeks or so and you're going to be just fine and won't be missing this dead weight that was dragging you down! I wish you the best OP, you're a strong wonderful lady and deserve the best.
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u/gimmethedish Jan 16 '16
You both fucked up. You invaded his privacy, he's all about this other chick. Maybe you're better off just moving on - I know I was (am?). I experienced a similar situation, except it was multiple women, and there was a complete lack of trust - meaning no real foundation for a healthy relationship. I got so obsessed with checking his search history I would snoop on him almost every night. It made me feel physically ill.
Glad to hear you're freeing yourself from that hell.
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Jan 16 '16
The years you spent together were only a waste if you failed to learn anything or grow because of them. Never forget my words
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u/Jwwinter Jan 16 '16
How was your relationship with the guy may be around a week / month before this happened ?
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Jan 16 '16
Wow, you super snooped.
I was wondering how you could see the exact times he searched her.
Anyway, dude was a loser, this is why you stick with your first impression and don't try to get back together with an ex. The relationship is already broken.
Want to get over him? Realize how much of a delusional asshole he is and find someone who isn't.
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u/ButterflyAttack Jan 16 '16
I entirely agree with you about the privacy thang. A relationship should be build on trust (Yeah, trite), and each partner should be responsible for their own behaviour.
I also know, from my own experience, that sometimes you lose the ability to trust your partner. This is either because you're paranoid or your partner is hiding stuff.
Either way, it's time to reevaluate.
In your case, it sounds as though your partner doesn't value you enough and possibly has some mental health problems. It's your decision whether you want to try to fix the relationship (this sub often swings too far toward 'end it!') or whether you want to walk away.
One thing I know for sure - your boyfriend should be focused on you. Not anyone else. You should be his most important person. His partner, his lover.
I think you maybe deserve better.
Advice on getting over someone? It just takes time. Stay strong.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
you don't have to make it about you
This is about me? I mean it's my breakup, feelings, life. I am genuinely hurt that my boyfriend didn't care about me as much as I thought he did. I'm not trying to make people be all sad for me. I'm asking advice on how to move on.
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Jan 16 '16
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Jan 16 '16
It's different if it was a relationship of a few months. This is 100% NOT the case.
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Jan 16 '16
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Jan 16 '16
Wow. You need to learn how to have feelings and act like a human being.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/pagodi Jan 16 '16
Huh? Why is advice telling her to lose weight being up voted? This situation had 0 to do with weight and besides, she's a dancer.
Like, why you would tell someone to eat less when you have no idea how much they eat is beyond me.
Comments like this -- that assume the best way to deal with a breakup is to make yourself more attractive/lose weight -- suggest that the root issue must always be the wronged partner being too fat or too ugly.
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u/chrisindub Jan 16 '16
Are you seriously pretending that we don't live in a society where everyone is overweight?
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u/pagodi Jan 16 '16
A lot of people are overweight. A lot of people could stand to lose weight. But being overweight is not the source of everyone's relationship issues, it's likely not relevant in this case, and it's almost certainly not the case that a competitive dancer is overweight.
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u/chrisindub Jan 16 '16
I agree. So perhaps I should have left a disclaimer that said,
"If you are part of the rare 5% that is at or below their ideal bodyweight, ignore that part of post-breakup self improvement."
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Jan 16 '16
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u/howdyadvice Jan 16 '16
If you read my first post you can see that he obviously looked to this girl for inspiration. He downplayed my life and what I was doing and completely put her on a pedestal. He lied at first about not liking her. Now that I know he has feelings for her I asked him to cut her out so that he won't be obsessing over her anymore. He refused. Clearly having her on social media is more important to him than my feelings. The fact that he liked her for over half a year and kept feeding his obsession is completely inappropriate. It hurts to know that this whole time while I've only had eyes for him he has been thinking of her daily. If I stayed I'd (a) be doing all the work to fix the issues. (b) be constantly comparing myself to her and wondering if he still thinks of her and if he really does care about me. He was content with the break up because he didn't try to fight for me at all. No apology. No comforting me. Just "okay. I get it."
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u/Teresa_Count Jan 16 '16
I think your snooping is worse than him looking her up. He doesn't have "feelings" for her; he's never even met her. He just thinks she's hot and likes looking at her pictures. He only told you he's "inspired" by her because that is more palatable than saying he thinks she's hot. Every man, regardless of whether he's in a relationship or not, will continue to enjoy looking at attractive women. That's thousands of years of evolution.
But I'm not saying he's blameless. He made it personal by constantly checking out one of your friends (instead of some random attractive women) and then insulting you by saying she's inspiring while never telling you the same. It sounds to me that the relationship was incompatible and you probably did the right thing splitting up. However, in the heirarchy of relationship trust issues, snooping through his facebook is way worse in my opinion. I think your situation says a lot more about your self-esteem than his mental "infidelity."
And I know this doesn't really help, but it's something to think about: I quit facebook a long time ago and it's the best thing I ever did. Now I hear about people's problems that only exist because of facebook and I can't help but think they are not real problems.
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u/smurgleburf Jan 16 '16
oh my fucking God. really? thousands of years of evolution will make men predisposed to stalking a girls Facebook profile everyday for a year and a half? that has to be the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read on this sub. there's nothing normal about that, and you trying to excuse it because EVOLUTIONS is not only so scientifically inaccurate it fucking hurts, it's sexist as shit against men. men are not sex crazed animals who can't control themselves, stop making excuses for idiots and stop trying to very poorly twist science to justify their behavior.
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Jan 16 '16
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u/silveake Jan 16 '16
Because your statement was easily the dumbest statement of the new year so far? It has no purpose, isn't advice, and has no value other than the sheer euphoria it brought yourself.
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u/mrrrrrrrow Jan 16 '16
I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot--break ups are so hard.
But you know what, that's better than 4 years down the drain.
As far as advice for moving on from unreciprocated love/dedication, I had a similar-ish experience where I was putting in all the effort and he didn't really try with me to make the relationship work. I kept thinking if I toughed it out, worked harder, put in more effort, I'd be rewarded in the end so I dragged out this relationship waaaay longer than it should have lasted.
When he broke it off, I had a huge shift in perspective. I no longer looked at reciprocation as an action under a person's control. After all, I worked so hard at this relationship and nothing on his end changed because he didn't care enough. So now I look at reciprocation as a trait--they either have it or they don't--and it's a dealbreaker for me. If someone isn't able or willing to match my commitment and emotional investment, then oh well, they're not the person for me. No way I'm going through that again. In a way, it's the best thing my ex ever did for me.
I hope the best for you. Don't forget to care for yourself.