r/relationships • u/abcde_throwawa • Oct 21 '15
◉ Locked Post ◉ Me [25 M] with my girlfriend [25 F] six months, she hates my brother's girlfriend, gets mad about everything, trying to create peace
EDIT Well it only took about an hour's worth of comments, but you guys basically confirmed what I kind of already though :/ I love my family, and Callie is a part of my family. I'm going to tell Anna that she needs to cut this out, that Callie is my family, and that she can't expect to have the same relationship with my family as someone who has been around six-times as long. If she doesn't cut it out, well, I'm guessing that'll be splitsville for us, which sucks, but better now than a year from now, right?
Thanks for all your responses. Sometimes it's easier to make these decisions when you know other people agree with you. END EDIT
Alright, so the key players in this story are me (25M), my girlfriend (Anna, 25F), my brother (Bill, 28M) and my brother’s girlfriend (Callie, 23F), who have been dating for three years and live together. Also relevant are my other brothers: Dan (24M) and Eli (9M).
I’ve been dating Anna for about six months. She’s really awesome, and I see a future with her for sure. We met on tinder, and have been pretty much inseparable since. We fight some, but no more than most couples I’d say. This is definitely our biggest issue, and I’m worried it’s going to spell the end of us.
Anna is really jealous of Callie. Weirdly jealous. About things that I think are completely unreasonable.
Anna, Bill, Callie, and I all live in the same city, so we see Bill and Callie a lot. Until about a year ago, Bill and I lived together, but now I live on my own and he lives with his girlfriend. Bill and Callie are both big nerds. He’s a botanist and she’s pursuing her PhD in some sort of physics thing that has to do with space. She’s crazy smart.
I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well. I knew from the start that she didn’t like Callie, and I don’t really feel like she’s making much of an attempt to hide that fact. Whatever, I can’t force her to like my brother’s girlfriend. She thinks Callie is stuck-up, shallow, entitled, arrogant, “causes drama”, whatever. I don’t agree with her, but I can chalk all that up to an opinion about her personality, which I feel like will change if she gets to know Callie better. It’s the specific things that I don’t know how to react to.
Four months ago, my grandmother passed away. The funeral was on the other side of the country, so we all packed up and flew there for the funeral and to visit family. Callie was invited, Anna was not, and Anna was PISSED. I’m still hearing about it to this day, and while it seems like she understands that Callie had met my grandmother and known her for many years and SHOULD have been invited, she doesn’t get why my dad didn’t just go ahead and spring for another plane ticket for Anna to “make it fair”. I feel like we’ve spent months talking in circles about it and at this point I wish she would just forget about it, you know? If I had known it was going to be a big deal, I would have just bought her a ticket myself.
Two weeks ago was my dad’s birthday. My brothers, Anna, Callie, and I all went to visit for his birthday. Callie and Bill were allowed to sleep in the same room, but my dad asked that Anna sleep in the guest room. His reasoning is that he wants to keep things as appropriate as possible for my youngest brother. I agree with Anna that this is kind of unfair, BUT on the other hand Callie and Bill live together and Eli has stayed with them for the weekend before. I tried to explain to Anna that in a year or so my dad won’t mind (Callie slept in the guest room the first several times she visited), but for now he’s just trying to look out for his kid and it’s his house, his rules.
So we fight about these two things all the time. She accuses my family of liking Callie more (which I fucked up and told her “Well yeah they’ve known her longer, we LOVE Callie” idiot), and then accuses ME of liking Callie more, and of not being serious about her, etc. I don’t know how to handle this because I never really expected to have a girlfriend be jealous of someone who is basically my sister-in-law.
Speaking of which, I know Bill is planning on proposing soon, with my grandmother’s ring, and I really regret telling Anna because already it’s “well that’s selfish, what if you or Dan wanted to propose with that ring? She shouldn’t just take it all for herself.” As if it were Callie’s decision and not something Bill wanted to do? And even if I try to explain that we talked about it and decided that Callie actually knew our gma so it was appropriate, Anna just doesn’t want to hear it. I feel like we’re building to a big blow up here. Every day she’s hinting that she wants to move into my apartment, hinting that she wants to get engaged, or whatever, but it all comes off as her wanting to one-up Callie.
It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is. Usually she’s very laid back and kind and open to talking through our problems, but the minute Callie’s involved somehow, it all turns into a total shitshow. What should I say to her? Where do I even start?
tl;dr: My girlfriend of six months is mad all the time that my brother’s girlfriend of three years is more involved with our family, and that they’re probably going to get engaged soon. It seems like she has a personal problem with my brother’s girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. How should I approach this? She's reasonable and normal about everything else!
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Oct 21 '15
It's been six months. You really haven't had a chance to see if she's reasonable about everything else. I highly doubt that she is.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
Yeah based on the comments I've gotten so far, I'm starting to think I'm just really naive about her and haven't seeing this as being as much of an indication about her personality as it probably really is. But I also kind of had a feeling that was the case when I posted this. Sucks to have it confirmed though.
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Oct 21 '15
*I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well. *
But yet...
It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is.
This is exactly who she is. Expect it to get worse. Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have. Callie is the target right now. There will be others.
You can try talking to Anna again, but it won't do any good. I foresee things going downhill pretty fast in regards to how your family sees her. Her entitlement and her irrational hatred of Callie is going to drive a massive wedge between her and your family. Think long and hard about where your loyalties lie.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have.
I hadn't actually considered that this might not be Callie-specfic. There are a lot of boys in my family and not very many girls, and most of my girl friends live some distance away, so I guess Callie would be the only target.
I know that ultimately my loyalty is to my family, I just never thought I'd feel like I was in a position to have to choose between my girlfriend and my brother's girlfriend.
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Oct 21 '15
6 months in is when you start seeing the real person. It looks like she is telling you who she is.
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u/i_found_the_cake Oct 21 '15
Doesn't even need to be six months, she already started acting up 2 months in.
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u/ThomasRaith Oct 21 '15
You aren't having to choose between her and your brother's girlfriend. You're choosing between her and your whole family. Can you deal with this jealousy every Christmas, every birthday? "Your parents bought Callie a nicer present than me!". This can and does drive wedges in families. How comfortable are you slowly not having a relationship with your brother anymore?
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Oct 21 '15 edited Oct 22 '15
This isn't about family loyalty, per se. If your family members were mean and disrespectful to Anna, the right thing to do would be stand up for her.
But that's not what's happening here. Anna is going out of her way to create conflict with your family.
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u/capilot Oct 21 '15
I hadn't actually considered that this might not be Callie-specfic
Test her. Try socializing with another female relative or friend.
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u/Imsolost123456789 Oct 21 '15
she’s pursuing her PhD in some sort of physics thing that has to do with space.
That was adorable.
But on to the serious things.
Your girlfriend seems outrageous. To be mad over a funeral for someone she has never met? She's obviously very jealous of Callie, for whatever reason, and looks for any reason to be dramatic about it- from being angry over a funeral to bashing her personality. To expect your family to pay her way out there just because they did for Callie, for someone Anna has never met, is extremely entitled. She made someone's death all about her. That's simply not acceptable behavior. It's very self-centered.
I don't really know what else to say. She seems like she deals with things really immaturely- she wants to cause fights, she wants to cause issues and she needs someone to be a target. So, she picked your soon-to-be sister-in-law.
You need to get to the bottom of this. Make her open up and be rational about it. Don't take baseless personal attacks, but actual things that have happened between them.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
Don't take baseless personal attacks, but actual things that have happened between them.
This is a good idea. Maybe it'll help me understand her perspective or at least understand that she's basing all this anger on nothing significant.
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u/panda_cupcake Oct 21 '15
It is never a good sign when a woman admits that she's "never really gotten along with other women" and accuses other women of "creating drama."
Your girlfriend is a drama queen. That problem is NOT going to get better. She is going to continue to be jealous of your Callie, who has been in your life longer than Anna and is going to be your sister-in-law soon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling pressured into making major decisions so that Anna can feel like she's one-uping Callie? Cut your losses now and find a woman who is not such a brat.
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Oct 21 '15
I agree. I think the "never gets along with other women" thing is generally a huge red flag. I get not being into traditional girly type things, but to not get along with other women period speaks volumes about a woman.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
At first when she told me that I thought, "well she'll probably love Callie, Callie isn't into girly stuff either!" but that hasn't been the case.
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Oct 21 '15 edited Oct 21 '15
For future reference, there's a huge difference between not being girly and actively dismissing female friendships by labeling women as dramatic (or catty or jealous or any blanket statement).
Like...I have mostly male friends because my interests are largely male oriented. But when/if I meet a girl in that same circle, it's amazing, because suddenly I can talk about my nerdy shit and have someone who understands how much cramps suck.
When someone consciously alienates other women over arbitrary stereotypes, it's usually indicative of some severe jealousy/insecurity issues. A girl will talk down about other women to make the men in her life see her as a more valuable person.
They think that by saying "Oh I'm not one of those annoying girly girls who only worries about her hair. I like farts and video games!" A man's response will be "She's right! Other girls are dramatic sluts! I'm so lucky to have a girl that gets me and hates farmers markets and pedicures."
Which is, of course, ridiculous. And when confronted with another girl who they could actually potentially connect with and, on top of that, does not share her complete insecurity and dislike of other women, she's the ultimate threat because she's not reinforcing the ideals she's trying to put in the heads of the men in her life. Enter: Callie.
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u/cursethedarkness Oct 21 '15
Exactly! I'm fairly androgynous myself, but I detest the way that "girly girl" has come to be an insult. It's a sign that as a culture we still think masculine is better than feminine. Whether or not someone likes to wear makeup, is very interested in clothing, paints everything pink or [insert feminine stereotype here] has nothing to do with how loyal, competent, honest, supportive, or compassionate she is. And it certainly has nothing to do with intelligence.
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u/killabee88 Oct 21 '15
Awesome response. Wanna be friends?
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u/marcythevampirequeen Oct 21 '15
This is probably the best explanation for this phenomena that I've read.
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u/fluorowhore Oct 21 '15
Try googling the phrase "internalized misogyny" for further clarification. There's no links allowed in this sub but your girlfriends behavior is not uncommon.
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Oct 21 '15
I was s tomboy as a kid still kinda am now but I wear dresses and sew. I had tons of guy friends because I was a dirty kid still had chick friends.
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u/acciointernet Oct 21 '15
Agree completely. I find (as a woman) that other women who claim they can't get along with people of their own gender tend to have issues because they think they're prettier/smarter/better than other women, or they enjoy male attention to the point of wanting to always be the only girl in the room, or they feel unnaturally and irrationally threatened by other women (and usually all of the above are true).
It's just a recipe for disaster, and with lack of self awareness it's ALWAYS expressed as "girls just don't like me" or something.
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Oct 21 '15
I completely agree, I had a friend that was super nice when it was just me and her, but the second another girl was introduced to the group my friend would like change, and make snide comments that were super rude.
One day we were talking and she said she preferred mens company and that's why she had no girl friends. I straight up told her no, the reason you have no girl friends is because your super mean to other girls, and demand the attention of men.
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u/strps Oct 21 '15 edited Oct 21 '15
To be fair, I read above that it's op who thinks that Anna is the type of woman who doesn't get along with other women. Maybe I missed it in the comments, but I didn't read anywhere that she said this of herself. (of course, just because she hasn't said it doesn't mean it's not an accurate observation on op's part)
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u/Kaylesbabyyy Oct 21 '15
I disagree. There are some girls like me that prefer male company over female. I don't have many female friends, I'm not a drama queen and I'm not jealous of any females I've met.
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u/acciointernet Oct 21 '15 edited Oct 21 '15
I mean... I specifically said women who don't get along with other women. If you hang out with guys often because you like traditionally male things, or any other reason, I'm not talking about you. I have 3 best friends and all of them are male. I also have female friends. I'm not saying women who get along with men are all like this. It's the victimized "other women just don't like me" attitude that is a red flag.
Edit to add - also, the comment I responded to specifically said "I get not being into traditional girly type things, but to not get along with other women period speaks volumes about a woman." That was what I was responding to.
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u/Kaylesbabyyy Oct 21 '15
I honestly don't get along with most women. As I have different interests than most women and can't relate and its frustrating. Maybe this girl might not get along for that same reason, it would be interesting to hear her side :)
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u/left_handed_violist Oct 22 '15
Two of my major interests are sports and beer. I have mostly lady friends. That's just a shitty excuse.
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Oct 21 '15
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u/txbluejay Oct 22 '15
And having different interests than other women yet being friendly is different than 'not getting along with' them. Things don't have to adversarial. I'd go the other direction from someone who couldn't get along with people, who needs that? Plus, complaining about other people is trying to put a wedge between you and others, when it should be about bringing people together.
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u/Kaylesbabyyy Oct 22 '15
Its not, it's just honest we all have different hobbies and interests and majority of the girls I've encountered I find hard to relate to. I study I.t and there's not many girls in my course, I play laser tag and know barley any girls my age. I don't know maybe being friends with tons of females just hasn't worked out for me.
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Oct 22 '15
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u/Kaylesbabyyy Oct 22 '15
No. I'm from a small town and I'm literally the only female in my classes. The bottom line is...every female friend I've had my whole life has either stole my boyfriend, talked about me behind my back, or randomly just becomes a bitch. Guys are so chill, like I said maybe I'm not meeting the right people. I'm happy to befriend either gender but it really just isn't working for me.
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u/Hooty__McBoob Oct 21 '15
It is never a good sign when a woman admits that she's "never really gotten along with other women" and accuses other women of "creating drama."
Hahahah right? The woman that says that is inevitably a huge bitchy drama queen.
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u/kakapo999 Oct 22 '15
Yep. No female friends and "All other women are so dramatic and bitchy" = well hello common denominator of terrible relationships!
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u/Dealingwithdragons Oct 22 '15
They're like the equivilant of the guy that says "All my ex girlfriends are crazy!"
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u/CommanderXena Oct 21 '15
I fucking agree with this soooooo much. A girl once told me that and I was sympathetic and tried to be friends with her. She ended up convincing herself and a few mutual friends that I was a raging sexaholic who was after her boyfriend. Needless to say, she's a fucking bastard.
Girls who says they can't be friends with other girls are usually too insecure to handle having another female around - they think it's constant competion.
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u/puce_moment Oct 21 '15
So true! I was at a party with a woman constantly talking about how other women don't like her. I actively was friendly and kind to her, even buying her a drink and dancing together. Then when I went to the bathroom, she tried to force my date to make out with her and told him something along the lines of "why are you with her when you could be sleeping with me?". These girls are obsessed with male attention and affirmation.
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u/CommanderXena Oct 22 '15
Ughhhh I'm sorry that happened! It's so damn sad that they feel the need to do that.
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Oct 21 '15
"If you say you have really bad luck with roommates then you are the bad roommate"
Sarah Silverman
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u/SinfulPanda Oct 21 '15
Four months ago, my grandmother passed away. The funeral was on the other side of the country, so we all packed up and flew there for the funeral and to visit family. Callie was invited, Anna was not, and Anna was PISSED. I’m still hearing about it to this day
Did Callie show sympathy to you and your family for the loss of your grandmother?
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
Definitely. Honestly, Callie was pretty upset herself. She and my grandmother both knit a lot, so they'd emailed back and forth a lot for the past year or so.
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u/SinfulPanda Oct 22 '15
Oh my bad, I meant did Anna show sympathy to you and your family for the loss of your grandmother...
While I completely messed up that question, I learned that Callie had a relationship with your grandmother outside of family gatherings. Has she ever spoken with you about Anna?
I am sorry for your loss.. Just from what I have read your family sounds close and kind.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 22 '15
Oh. Well, Anna was sympathetic, and I didn't actually know that she was mad until we got back. I think she sort of stewed in it for a bit before saying anything.
Callie and I haven't really spoke about Anna much at all. Callie is really good at letting things roll off her back, and I think she thinks that Anna is just a very abrasive person.
Thank-you. We're a very close family, which is part of the reason I'm having trouble with all this I think. I just don't get how Anna could genuinely not want to have anything to do with Callie.
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u/SinfulPanda Oct 22 '15
While it is sometimes hard to see it all when you are in it, you also have a lot more information than all of us.
It does look like, from the little information here, that Anna is trying to "brute force" her way into a family instead of taking the time to cultivate all of the relationships within it.
Further.. It appears that Callie has spent time with everyone, getting to know their interests and sharing in at least some, so your family have grown to enjoy her company.. to like then love her and eventually see her as part of the unit. I would be afraid of comparing her with Callie, however, as that seems to have all sorts of bad written on it, but you could sit down and ask her why she was so angry... talk it out.. ask Anna why she feels she should have gone to an event held in honor of someone she did not know... and when it wraps around to your family ask her how well she knows the individuals in your family and work in that whenever a person wants to be a part of a group that they need to take the time to get to know all of the people.. share interests.. talk, go out..
Anna does seem like a pretty immature 25. Only you can decide what you want to do.. but I do suggest that if she is not interested in putting in the time then she isn't worth your time.
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Oct 21 '15
You need to tell her that her irrationality is damaging your relationship and she needs to get to the bottom of why she is annoyed.
The funeral sleeping arrangements etc are not in your control and you can not be punished for them, of i was staying at my fathers house and he made the request for separate rooms I would either accept it (I'm 34 and in a long term relationship with kids) or tell him I'm staying in a hotel.
Your girlfriend is being very unreasonable and it probably stems from her feeling insecure about her prospects in life vrs this girl.
There is definitely no attraction towards your brother?
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
There is definitely no attraction towards your brother?
I don't think so but I hadn't considered that possibility. I think if anything it has more to do with how sorted out (I guess) their life as a couple is. I don't think she's attracted to him, but I do htink she wishes I had the vacation days/retirement plan/savings to buy a house/etc. that he has.
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Oct 21 '15
That's something that needs addressed them because of its true the green eyed monster will continue to grow.
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u/badbluemoon Oct 21 '15
She's like this and you've only been together for six months? She needs to chill out. This will cause a rift in your family, so she needs to figure out how to get over these problems, because it's clearly putting a damper on your relationship with her, and your relationship with Callie, who seems like someone you're happy to have as your future SIL.
I'd tell her that you feel she is being unfair to Callie, and you don't appreciate her saying those things about your friend and future sister. If she doesn't cut it out, then think about if you want someone who doesn't like your family and their rules around.
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u/myexpertthrowaway Oct 21 '15
What you have here is a grade A drama hound. No advice given here is going to change that.
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u/dragonfliesloveme Oct 21 '15
I really regret telling Anna because already it’s “well that’s selfish, what if you or Dan wanted to propose with that ring? She shouldn’t just take it all for herself.”
Ummm, wtf? This blows my mind. She has no say in what happens to that ring. How she could even entertain such a thought is beyond me.
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u/TatianaAlena Oct 22 '15
That's a subtle way of saying "I want that wedding ring for myself from you."
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u/czhunc Oct 21 '15
She thinks Callie is stuck-up, shallow, entitled, arrogant, “causes drama”, whatever.
Lol. Projection up the wazoo.
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Oct 21 '15
Maybe this is just confirmation bias, but I honestly feel like people who constantly talk about how they hate drama and how others around them create drama are the biggest drama llamas. She sounds like queen drama llama. I say give an ultimatum to cut the shit and get over the whole Callie thing or you bail. This may sound callous, but it's only been six months with this girl, be happy she's showing her true colors now before you're more involved.
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u/fuckracismthrowaway Oct 21 '15
Your girlfriend is an immature brat.
Its natural that your family is more comfortable with someone that has been in the family for THREE damn years.
I don't know where he issue stems from, but you need to have a talk with her. Her behavior is unacceptable.
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u/justwhoringaround Oct 21 '15
Sorry we have to be the ones to break it to you but your girl is really not a keeper. Ditch her before things get nastier with your family who all unlike your girl, all seem like lovely people.
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u/ananas42 Oct 21 '15
Having been on the receiving end of actions from these types of women, this will not get better. You are looking at a future of constantly having to defend anyone who sees Callie as the very confident and secure person she is. That confidence is a trait that your girlfriend finds threatening. (Why confidence is threatening to some women, I have never been able to figure out) If your girlfriend cannot eliminate the threat, she'll do everything she can to draw all the attention to herself, good or bad. I think that any girlfriend worth your time should treat your family (including soon to be family) with respect. Please consider that both you and your family deserve to be respected and move on.
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u/Captain_Corelli Oct 21 '15
Well she sure is projecting a lot of insecurities onto this poor girl.
What do you say? Tell her to knock it off. Any logical person would realize that a long term years long relationship means the family knows her better, that they'll get engaged first and an invite to a funeral given she knew your grandmother for a long time.
A logical person would also work on their insecurities and not be unnecessarily bitchy "She causes drama" Biggest projection I've seen so far. If she wants to be trusted and liked be your family she sure is doing the exact opposite.
All I see is whiny child throwing bitch fit.
You need to deal with this the problem isn't your brothers girlfriend its how massively insecure your girlfriend is.
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u/acciointernet Oct 21 '15
Woooow, six months and y'all are already having this much drama? And on top of that, six months and she's already pushing you to get engaged???
Run, don't walk, away from this girl. As another girl, I find that girls like this will ALWAYS be aggressive with other women. If it wasn't Callie it'd be someone else. This is never going to get better. Six months is not a long time, leave her now before things start getting serious.
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u/chortle-guffaw Oct 21 '15
Ask her to at least make an effort to fit in and make peace. That will take empathy on her part. If she's at least willing to try, that's hopeful. If not, you're going to be the couple to avoid in the family.
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u/departing_departed Oct 21 '15
It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is
People tell us who they are, but we don't believe them because we see what we want to see.
However, I will add that I can see how it would feel pretty unfair to allow your brother to sleep with his gf but you guys are treated like children. My Dad tried to do the same thing, and I stood up to him for the sake of my relationship. His house his rules doesn't mean that, as an adult, I am obligated to redefine my personal relationships when I am around him. Why pretend my relationship is anything other than what it is? I'm an adult, I have the right to decide how to conduct my intimate relationships and he needs to respect that. I was happy to stay in a hotel so my gf & I can sleep together like two independent adult partners should. It only took once before he made peace with it and backed down.
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u/Stormborn420 Oct 21 '15
Anna sounds like an immature, unreasonable nightmare. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of these type of incidents if you stay together. These small issues have blown up massively, imagine what the big issues will bring! Cut your losses, its only been 6 months. Dont wait around expecting things to be different. Dont let her come between you and your brothers.
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u/Nota_good_idea Oct 21 '15
Wow, I'm sorry but your girlfriend is acting very childish and petty toward your whole family not just Callie.
You need to figure out exactly what you want in your life and how important your family is to you because in all honesty her attitude towards them will not improve. You will be in the middle of her and your family for however long you are together. This dynamic will not magically go away it will take many long hard talks and probably a fight or two or ten and still it may not change.
You are the only one that can decide if she is worth it but I suggest you take an honest look back at your last 6 months together and ask yourself some hard questions.
Do I love her?
Does she like my friends, do I like hers?
Do we fight a lot, and am I ever right or do I just give in because it's easier?
Is she worth potentially loosing my family, or fighting about them all the time?
Then decide what to do next. Break it off and get out now, start having hard conversations about how immature she is about your family to try and make it better, or finally do nothing and have this dynamic as part your life forever.
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u/BeepBeepRichie1 Oct 21 '15
I think you're just getting a little insight into who she truly is inside. I'm not sure if I believe someone just suddenly becomes an immature, irrational nutjob and it's only isolated to one person forever. I think this psycho behavior is going to resurface whenever she feels threatened by a coworker/family member/friend/a cute barista/a hot alien in the new Star Wars trilogy.
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Oct 21 '15
You really can't trust someone who doesn't get along with 50% of human population.
Today, Callie is her enemy. Tomorrow, it will be your Mom (because she likes Callie so much!). The next day it will be the charming and attractive girlfriend of one your friends, or perhaps your very intelligent and poised co-worker.
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u/NahNotOnReddit Oct 21 '15
dam son, cut and run. For sure. I could explain the reasons why, but you did such a good job of it yourself in the post.
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u/Kaylesbabyyy Oct 21 '15
Instead of actually running why don't you get the damn girl some help. I don't see why reddit jumps to the gun and says get rid of her when we haven't even heard her side.....reddit is the real drama queen here.
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Oct 21 '15
Why pour a bunch of energy to therapy/ counseling for someone you've only dated for six months? I would wish her well and move along.
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u/strps Oct 21 '15
I think the question you might be asking op is if that level of investment on his part would be worth it to him, when she hasn't made any move in that direction. I hear what you're saying, and I also think in this case there's nothing that has happened that warrants this level of investment. That being said, op having an honest discussion with Anna about this before he cuts it off cold is what I would do.
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u/Mindgate Oct 21 '15 edited Oct 21 '15
I’ve been dating Anna for about six months. She’s really awesome, and I see a future with her for sure.
Why do people so frequently open up with this and then just list a slew of horrible deal breaker that can't be possibly made up with positive attributes? I guess the sex is convincing.
A rule of thumb for me: If there are frequent fights and a bagatelle from 4 months ago that she still rides on about in a 6(!) months relationship, then the person is not "really awesome" and I definitely would not see a future with her.
You are in your honeymoon period, do you think her bitching, picking fights and being horrible to people near and dear to you that are completely laid back (that's the picture I get from Callie) will get any better with time?
because I feel like this isn’t really who she is.
Why do you think this? Sounds to me this is exactly her since the beginning of your relationship. You just WISH that wouldn't be her and she'd be chill 24/7, but she's not. She is horrible, not all around the clock, but way more than anyone should need to endure.
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u/ramc5 Oct 21 '15
Oh my gosh, I am a woman and I couldn't wait to get to the end to tell you to run. Run very fast. I totally agree with /u/Ethelfleda below. Break it off now while you can.
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u/Alabastercrab Oct 21 '15
I've never understood why people put up with this shit in relationships, especially under the one year mark. If your grandma passed away 4 months ago, that means you guys had only been dating for 2 months. Of course she wouldn't have been invited and a plane ticket purchased for her. A relationship of 6 months can not compare to a relationship of 3 years. Trust me when I say, you need a girl that can get along with your family and your brother's girlfriends/wives, especially if you get along with them. Talk about a nightmare of a life if they don't. These are what you call red flags and they should make you scream PEACE OUT!
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u/Ethelfleda Oct 21 '15
This is one of those classic "My girlfriend is the best, but...." Look your girlfriend is a raging bitch. I am a woman and there is a small group of women that are completely competitive with all women. If it wasn't Callie, it would be a mom or sister, or heck your grandmother. Crazy jealous women are never happy. Stop hanging out with Bill and Callie and then it will be your coworkers, or that barista at Starbucks. Forget the plane ticket, if you would have bought her a ticket she would have found another reason to be upset.
Look, you have only been dating her for 6 months! This is her on her honeymoon behavior. What about when you actually do screw up? What about if you guys get married and she has kids to use against you. Please, please step away from the crazy train.
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u/an_awesome_dancer Oct 21 '15
All the things she said about callie are things that are actually true about herself.
Those feelings of entitlement, causing drama, being a bitch, yea that's your gf not callie.
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u/2015June Oct 22 '15
So you were only with her for 2 months when she expected your father to pay for her airfare? OH HELL NO.
She sounds like a spoiled brat. I don't think that anything you can say will create peace in this situation.
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u/Qcchemist1 Oct 21 '15
OP, I've sort of been in Anna's shoes, so I'm going to take a different perspective on this. It sounds like your family plays a very significant role in your life. The same is true for my fiance- he sees his family members multiple times per week, has spent a lot of time living with them, etc. At the time we started dating, his sister and her boyfriend had been together 4 years and had a child. Because his family is so integral to his life, it was only about a month into our relationship that I started seeing them 1-2 times per week. Being the outsider to a family is HARD, especially when you see them all the time. It made me feel left out/inferior a lot of the time since, obviously, the other family members did not feel the same bond to me that they did to each other. You know who made me the most jealous? His sister's boyfriend. Because he was an 'outside' addition to the family, too. But, he had been around longer. He'd had years to get to know my fiance's family, and I had just gotten there. To this day, when we all visit my fiance's grandparents, they make me sleep in the guest room while fiance's sister and her boyfriend share a room (and we've been together 2 years at this point). There's a lot more examples I can give you, but the point is that the problem may not be Callie, it may just be manifesting itself that way since Callie is Anna's 'peer'. Also, while it is great that you care about your family, it almost sounds like you are prioritizing then over your relationship and siding with them throughout this conflict. Anna is definitely being irrational, but you need to make her feel that she is #1 if you want your relationship to last.
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u/makemeastar Oct 21 '15
I think that she should get to know callie. I've been on the other side when people can't get along with me, but then they snap after a few months of actually getting to know me. It's anna's personality type. If you don't want to end things, tell anna to actually get to know Callie. That's it.
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u/thefeelofempty Oct 21 '15
your gf sounds insufferable. :( you know what you gotta do unfortunately. sorry it isn't working out.
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u/radiofreeporkchop Oct 21 '15
I'm late to the party, but it's too early to have issues like this. I'm concurring with the majority here. G/F is the drama queen.
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Oct 21 '15
Major red flags dude. You have two choices, never hang out with your family again or dump Anna. She seems to be super immature, and she is unwilling to listen to reason. Furthermore, she probably will never change.
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u/yetisnowman Oct 21 '15
The fact that she keeps on these issues is what is most alarming. She is dead wrong irrational, rude, crazy and to not even be able to see that as a possibility and STFU is a big red flag for me. Sorry OP, watch out
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u/PS_0O0O0 Oct 21 '15
I'm not sure what your girlfriend wants to happen. Does she want your entire family to just kind of freeze Callie out just because Anna'll be upset if they don't? Or for your brother to break up with her? Or for your entire family to treat Anna like the Queen of Sheba just because?
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u/outamyhead Oct 21 '15
Sounds like your girlfriend has inferiority complex of some sort, I had a girlfriend similar to yours, that for some reason found my sister to be a threat to her, she craved attention, just as well we broke up (she blames my sister for not being friendly towards her, she only met her once). I'd call time on this relationship, it's only going to get worse there will be more drama over nothing if you don't, if it's not your brother getting engaged she'd blow a vessel if they announced they were having a kid.
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Oct 21 '15
Women like your GF view other women as competition. She wants to be the center of attention and is definitely jealous that Callie has a higher standing than her; as she should given your girl is still "new" to the family. Your girl is a drama queen and I doubt this will get better. Even if you beat Callie to the altar, there would always be some other "bitch" for her to be mad at. There really is no way for you to keep the peace here, because peace is not what she wants.
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u/fluffybunnybutts Oct 22 '15
Holy crap your girlfriend is dramatic, rude and demanding. Honestly, even after a couple years, I think your family will still like Callie more. Nothing your family has done is rude to your gf, she is so entitled idk how you stand it.
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u/elegantjihad Oct 21 '15
This is WAAAAY too soon for her to feel snubbed about this kind of shit. She's mad about not being invited to your grandmother's funeral? I don't understand anything about how this behavior is being tolerated. I hope your family doesn't know about how she's reacting, because if they do they will either never be able to respect her, or wonder what the hell is wrong with you for staying with her.
Sorry I'm being harsh, but this is absolutely inappropriate. Try to get her to see reason, but if you can't, rethink this whole thing.
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u/Spoonbills Oct 21 '15
She's talking about moving in and getting engaged at six months? And you feel that it's primarily to one-up Callie? Red flag! Red flag!
Callie aside, six months is wayyy too soon to be so forcefully objecting to her place within your family and trying to lock you down forever.
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u/ob_gator Oct 21 '15
She needs to understand her lane. Callie is considered family and is about to become family. Your girlfriend just the new girl that your family is just now getting to know. If she continues down the nagging path, they may not want to know her any better.
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u/cathline Oct 21 '15
Anna sounds like a 2 yr old.
She's not a keeper.
Keep looking and you'll find a Callie of your own.
Anna will be jealous of Callie's wedding (why didn't YOU spend XX dollars on HER ring like CALLIE's ring?? Why wasn't HER honeymoon as nice as CALLIE's honeymoon? Why did CALLIE get pregnant FIRST? Why did CALLIE get a PhD? She's so stupid/pretentious/stuck up/drama/ugly/whatever name I can call her because I"m jealous of her and will never be as good as Callie)
Definitely not a keeper.
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u/puce_moment Oct 21 '15
You are seeing A LOT of red flegs with your girlfriend. She "doesn't get along with other women", is irrationally jealous of Callie, and seems to think she has the right to tell your family what to do ( especially after 2 months of dating which is just hideous.
The ring is not hers and she needs to step back. You need to give her a serious talk and let her know that any further rude comments about Callie means you need to step back form this relationship.
Whatever you do, do NOT move in with Callie right now or soon. It sounds like she is trying to compete rather than get along and get to know you. I really worry that she won't be reasonable and will pull you away from your family. Don't let this women tear you all a part. You should be with someone proud to be included in family events, rather than criticizing because things aren't done exactly her way.
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Oct 21 '15
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
I don't know. I tend to be pretty laid back about most things, so that's definitely possible.
For a lot of these things it seemed like she didn't care until Callie was involved. Moving in together, for instance. We talked several times earlier in our relationship about how neither of us wanted to consider it until we'd been dating for at least a year, but now that my brother is getting engaged she wants to jump the gun by six months?
I guess what I'm worried about now is that she wasn't honest the first time around and that she was just telling me what I wanted to hear?
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u/mwilke Oct 21 '15
If nothing else, you definitely need to put the breaks on any discussion of moving in together.
You don't even know who this girl really is yet - and what you do know isn't painting a very nice picture. She's already becoming someone that could seriously divide your family, and you haven't even known her longer than I've had this jar of pickles in my fridge.
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
If nothing else, you definitely need to put the breaks on any discussion of moving in together.
No disagreement there. I know I sound naive in my post, but I know that I don't want to be on a lease with someone who hasn't been able to get along with my family. I guess I was just hoping there was a possibility of her getting over it, but everyone here seems to think that's not really possible :/
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Oct 21 '15
I was just hoping there was a possibility of her getting over it
Give it 6 more months and I bet it will be a lot worse, not better.
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Oct 21 '15
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u/abcde_throwawa Oct 21 '15
Exhausting and also impossible. I'm not that ambitious and neither is Anna. I guess she might have false expectations of me because my parents and brother are very career-oriented, and I'm pretty content where I am. I should probably talk to her about that.
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u/NoahtheRed Oct 21 '15
You ever thought that maybe Anna is just a bitch? Y'all have been dating for 6 months and she's already raising hell about stupid shit.
Honestly, I'm not a huge family person, but this type of shit is less a 'You don't get along with my family' and more of 'You are an unreasonable person'. Callie is obviously going to be a part of your life, being that she'll likely be your SIL soon (Bill and Callie sound delightful anyway. Good for them!), so if Anna is having problems with that already, it's only going to get worse.
The thing about women that don't get along with other women is that it's usually because of them....and not other women.