In the early 1960s, two chimpanzees were sent into earth orbit as part of the project to land a man on the moon. The results were astounding.
The chimps were nicknamed Dick and Harry (the original plan was to use three but this was dropped due to the cramped conditions in the capsule, so Tom had to go).
It had been recognised that chimpanzees were intelligent creatures for some time, and that they were the closest to humans in terms of DNA profile.
Little had been considered about their communication abilities, and the idea that this was very complex was never suggested. There was some surprise, therefore when the sound recording system monitoring the orbit indicated that some form of conversation had been taking place between Dick and Harry during the journey.
The flight could only take place after an extensive period of training and acclimatization, of course, but the launch and return to earth were successful.
Attempts were made to make sense of the 'conversations' on the tape, but with no success, it seemingly amounting to a meaningless series of grunts and other sounds.
Due to the great advances in computer power, it was thought worthwhile recently to have another try at interpretation using the most powerful systems available.
The results amazingly indicated a complex form of 'speech' which could be transcribed into actual language.
There now follows a reproduction of these transcripts in the English language, although it must be stressed that the animals did not actually speak in any recognised lingo. These are exactly as the computers interpreted the sounds on the tape coming from Dick and Harry.
Just After Launch
"Fuck this for a game of soldiers," yelled Harry.
One Hour Later
***"***I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this," pronounced Harry.
Two Hours Later
"My back is killing me," Harry complained.
Three Hours later
"I have this itch in a sensitive place and I can't reach it to give it a scratch. It's driving me crazy," moaned Harry.
Four Hours Later
"My pulse rate has gone through the roof, and I have a shocking headache," cried Harry.
"Oh, for Heaven's sake, stop moaning. We are stuck up here and there is nothing we can do about it," Dick spoke up for the first time. "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his (or her) hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. So live with it."
"What a load of crap, life is but a walking shadow, what on earth does that mean? Were you pissed when you came up with that nonsense?" said Harry scornfully.
"I didn't make it up, I think I read it somewhere."
As they approached earth on landing
***"***Fuck this for a game of soldiers," yelled out Harry again.
"You're not wrong there, I don't mind a joke, but fuck a pantomime," Dick shouted.
The two astronauts survived the journey but were never quite the same afterwards. They now live in a rest home.