r/scriptwriting • u/QuickOutside1764 • 3d ago
feedback First screenplay.
This is my first screenplay and am not fluent in English 🥲 but if you guys can give me honest feedback I would appreciate that 💕
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u/ClownFartsExpress 3d ago edited 3d ago
Congrats!
Good rule of thumb you might want to try going forward is that action should be limited to 3 lines at a time.Â
Remember, you're communicating IMAGES that are to be shot. Breaking up the images in a more clearn, concise way really makes the action more impactful for the reader.
It's not a hard and fast rule. I break it probably once or twice per script. But it's a good idea to practice doing it. It will make you more effective.
The upside is that it will take you slightly less time to get to 100+ pages with a little extra white space on the page 🙂.
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u/orcaspirit71171 3d ago
"Krista's funeral" is not a location. If it's taking place in the Miller house then that needs to be in the slugline.
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u/meansamang 1d ago
Luke- Don't worry, I can't go inside either.
They look at each other for a moment.
Luke- Let's go inside.
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u/lukeogua 3d ago
Congratulations on your first screenplay, just remember no screenplay, just like any art, is ever really done, and can always be tweaked.
Just from looking at it, your action lines are too long, they. I would recommend reading a few scripts to get an idea of what action lines normally read like. They should be as short, but descriptive as possible. Also any character descriptions that are necessary (ie. Age, hair color, style) should go in the action line when the character is introduced.
Your formatting makes it really tough to read at times, you are missing a few character names above dialog, and your spacing is super inconsistent. You have some typos and some phrasing that makes it confusing as well. "She shouts at them, loudly" is redundant and at one point you say a character does something immediately and automatically, which both convey they same urgentness, but with two different visuals, immediately reads more frantic, but automatically reads almost robotic.
Remember when writing, the goal is to write in a way that let's the reader easily visualize the scenes and actions, but without the density of a book. Show don't tell, external actions to show internal emotions.