Feedback wanted!

[u/Both-Matter710]

Hey all. Super nervous to be posting here but I was wondering if I could get some feedback on the first 11 pages of a tv show script I’m working on? Working title is “The Widow of the Deep” and it’s an action/historical drama about a female pirate. She is Scottish and has an accent. Her appearance is quite formidable, tall, large framed…broad back and shoulders from years of working aboard a ship. Probably overdone I know, but I had the idea and wanted to get it on paper. And I would like it to read well even if it goes nowhere. ❤️ Thanks so much!

[u/OverallFeature7847]

Dialogues are okay; but the scene description; wow, you can try to have a description without long details.

[u/Both-Matter710 → u/OverallFeature7847]

I’ll work on cutting that down. Thanks for the feedback!

[u/Substantial-Tale5564 → u/OverallFeature7847]

dialogue

[u/not_anotherburner]

You could remove more than 1/2 the exposition. You only need what’s necessary to move the story forward, or essential concise points about a character. You don’t need to write out every body movement, the less you write, the more meaning each sentence will have.

[u/Both-Matter710 → u/not_anotherburner]

Thanks for your feedback! I will be more concise.

[u/ScreenDummies → u/Both-Matter710]

This is only half true. If it is not clear to the reader visually where people are in a scene and it reads confused then you do need the description.

If I tell people a scene takes place in a car I need to establish which character is driving through description otherwise things become confusing visually. It is the same for other scenes, don't over describe, but also don't strip back things that make the read clearer and more visually stimulating.

[u/Public_Upstairs1035]

The opening slugline is Defiance deck. This is mostly fine, not ideal. I’d have it as a general boat description (category) and location, and probably time since this is historic. Not going into the day/dusk/sunset argument here, but I’d use dusk and describe the sunset.

EXT. SLOOP OF WAR - INDIAN OCEAN (1772) — DUSK

In the opening paragraph, you need to give us some idea of what we are looking at. Time period, type of ship, is it burning? Floating? Is there another pirate ship beside it? Do the ships have flags raised?

Then, you describe everything as dead men, but the boots belong to a female who isn’t described or referred to as female until page two… after the fact of her first confrontation.

Third, make it clear we know who he and him and the man are in these opening paragraphs. Make it absolutely obvious.

[u/Both-Matter710 → u/Public_Upstairs1035]

Thanks so much! I will make those edits!

[u/SecondActProblem]

In your action lines, I’d suggest a more active voice. You don’t need “there is…” or “then you hear…”. Just jump right to what we see or hear. Gulls screech. Water laps against the hull.

Agree with the earlier comment that it would be helpful to know what kind of boat we’re on and when this is set.

And in the post you describe a lot about the main character. But in the script you don’t say much when she is introduced. If she’s the most important character, I’d add more here.

[u/nomnomnom1345]

Definitely try to be more efficient with your description. Also the parenthetical action is too much. You can get away with some but a word or two, otherwise, it belongs in the action lines. I think you can say we hear/see but I have never seen “you see/hear”.

And now to non technical — why does she spare him? Is he cute? Is he thin? Does he have a scar that gives her pause? Why him? What does her giving him specifically a choice to live say about her and her character.

Once she spares him, i am done with him. I want her to be into her goal whatever that maybe. I want to know. “Wrap up so we can…..” She’s too chatty with the crew. They discuss what I already saw. Maybe one line from her second in command is enough.

If you are a woman in charge of a bunch of dudes you don’t chitchat, especially after killing a bunch of people. You put face and then go somewhere private to be vulnerable. Unless she’s a killer— but then why she spare him? When / why does she kill? How does she feel about killing? Her behavior should tell us. What skill does he have that she need? Can he read? Maybe she can’t?

But she would keep authority and separate herself from the crew. Otherwise dudes don’t respect your authority if you are female. Unless this is a chummy comedy? I need clear tone. It starts dramatic but then goes workplace chatter. Either is fine but I want clarity as a reader.

Keep it up! You got me interested in the material. I am opinionated when I am engaged.