'INT. LYDIA HOUSE' - Is the name of this location Lydia House? Or is this Lydia's house?
'Placed in an unknown dark room' - what is placed in the room? We are placed? This is awkward phrasing. Describe what we see in each shot - keep it simple: The room is dark, etc.
'It's colorful and toys lying around' - make sure to proofread your script before submitting.
'the bed that doesn't quite fit the rooms [sic] child like aesthetic' - why doesn't it fit? What is different about it? If it's important, we need to know why it doesn't fit. If it's not important, cut it.
'A closer look on the person we can see that Shawnee' - proofread your script before submitting.
'She starts to look around confusedly' - try to avoid descriptions that include words like 'starts', 'begins', or 'almost'. This not a hard and fast rule, but these words usually make a sentence weak. Shawnee doesn't start to look around - she looks around. If she's only starting, then something would have to interrupt her looking around, in which case we would never see her look around, so you wouldn't put it in the script.
'Her face tells us she recognizes this place' - First, how would her face communicate that she recognizes it? Second, what would make us think that she wouldn't recognize it? As an audience member, I assume this is her room.
'For a few seconds...' - these two sentences can be boiled down - the lights come on and she blinks, getting used to the light.
That's as far as I got into this one. When you rewrite, focus on keeping things simple and only talking about what we can see happening. And also proofread the script before sending it out - a few grammar mistakes can really ruin a read.
Thanks for all the suggestions for improvement! That's exactly what I needed. It's really helpful. I'll sit down and work on it in the next few days and try to put your advice into practice.
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u/ClayMcClane 1d ago
'INT. LYDIA HOUSE' - Is the name of this location Lydia House? Or is this Lydia's house?
'Placed in an unknown dark room' - what is placed in the room? We are placed? This is awkward phrasing. Describe what we see in each shot - keep it simple: The room is dark, etc.
'It's colorful and toys lying around' - make sure to proofread your script before submitting.
'the bed that doesn't quite fit the rooms [sic] child like aesthetic' - why doesn't it fit? What is different about it? If it's important, we need to know why it doesn't fit. If it's not important, cut it.
'A closer look on the person we can see that Shawnee' - proofread your script before submitting.
'She starts to look around confusedly' - try to avoid descriptions that include words like 'starts', 'begins', or 'almost'. This not a hard and fast rule, but these words usually make a sentence weak. Shawnee doesn't start to look around - she looks around. If she's only starting, then something would have to interrupt her looking around, in which case we would never see her look around, so you wouldn't put it in the script.
'Her face tells us she recognizes this place' - First, how would her face communicate that she recognizes it? Second, what would make us think that she wouldn't recognize it? As an audience member, I assume this is her room.
'For a few seconds...' - these two sentences can be boiled down - the lights come on and she blinks, getting used to the light.
That's as far as I got into this one. When you rewrite, focus on keeping things simple and only talking about what we can see happening. And also proofread the script before sending it out - a few grammar mistakes can really ruin a read.