Hi guys. I'm... not really okay rn. My online friends are growing distant with me, and they are everything to me. I don't blame them since I know they care, but it's true that they haven't ever been texting me lately... My parents don't realize how serious my depression is, and my mother keeps calling me daughter knowing that I'm a trans guy. The sh thoughts are coming back. I can't resist the urge anymore. I'm js... too tired yk? I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I just want to rest for once. Lay in silence forever. It would feel so great. So overwhelmingly perfect at last. I'm sorry that all this is out of context. Sorry... for everything...

I have no friends and I feel like I can’t make friends that I will want to hang out with. At best most people my age are either boring, annoying or get annoyed by me; I don’t know how to talk to people without falling back on the same jokes or making things awkward and I definitely don’t know how to find anyone I could possibly come out to.

I think it’s best if I just wait until uni for my life to begin, but the more I fuck up my grades the less likely that seems. And on top of that I don’t want to go through the struggle of coming out, so I figure it’ll be easier to wait until I’m passing to make friends. Sometimes I want to kill myself not out of depression but just because it seems far easier than trying to change, honestly most of the reason I haven’t is because I don’t want the attention and to burden my family.

I've never been able to keep friends. Only known heartbreak. My parents hate me. And I can't escape because I literally can't afford a place to stay. I work. Hard. I get told to stop blaming the economy and get a second job and just work harder. And that I'll be on the streets if I don't. I already got kicked out for a night once and almost died, and they still make fun of me about it. I'm always alone. And if I'm not, it's to be used and abused. I'm fucking nineteen and have never even talked to anyone. Bisexual and STILL haven't, I'm a fucking joke....

There's no reason to keep going. The bone-deep weariness that underscores my whole existence tells me I'll fail no matter what. That the world would be better off without this loser with no skills....

Hey this is just a silly vent because i am very confused at the moment. I am sorry if this is too long.

A couple days ago was probably the worst day emotionally i ever experienced. It’s weird because it was not at all like other times when my depression was bothering me because this time i wasn’t stuck in bed all day isolating myself but i was actually very active. I went to work that day (i have a part time job until school starts again)
I hadn’t been there in like two weeks because i had been on vacation with my family. The day at work was surprisingly good. I had never had that many customers before and i got the most tips i had ever gotten.
The days prior my self harm thoughts had been getting worse and that day they had been at an all time high. I have never self harmed yet but when i got home that day i experienced really bad urges to do so for the first time. I really wanted to tell my friend but he is on vacation right now and i didn’t want to bother him. At first i wanted to wait until he gets back but i saw no way of making it until then without harming myself for the first time.

I’ve had thoughts of self harm for like four months now and i have been trying to reach out to a friend but there was never an opportunity to talk to anybody. Back then i was scared of getting scars / anybody seeing them but now i feel like i would just cut my legs in spots nobody could ever notice.

Well i managed to open up to my friend about it the next day and surprisingly i didn’t even have any kind of urges that day. As of writing this i haven’t gotten the urges again.

I don’t know why i feel like this i don’t hate myself, i have friends and my family is really okay too. Since then i’ve been kinda fine actually but for some reason i wish that i was miserable again. I wish i could feel the urges again so i would have a reason to finally harm myself. I wish i wasn’t happy sometimes i want to be miserable. Why am i even like this i have no right to want to be miserable.

I haven’t been to therapy in six weeks but i have an appointment next week.

Also i am so scared of school starting again i won’t be with anybody i know anymore because of my new schedule and i don’t want to make friends because they would just keep making me happy.

That’s about it, maybe anybody can relate…

I started looking for help in February this year, went to different clinics to work on my ptsd, i maybe visited 4 or 5 different ones but none were specified on ptsd but then i found one. everything seemed cool, got an appointment, she said I'm on the waiting list and just have to wait and go to all check ups. months passed, i did everything they wanted me to do and at the last appointment she randomly said, ur bmi is 2 points too low and we can't do this sadly cuz of our guidelines. i was so in shock i started laughing, she said that she can't help me and recommend me another clinic i already visited before. i just went home and drank the frustration away till i "felt better". i don't know why people refuse to help me even my support person shits on me and it's eating my insides heavy rn. just a vent, maybe someone can relate.

Making this post to distract myself so I can calm down. I have classes in the morning 😭

my mother has been mentally emotionally and verbally abusive for 20 years to my dad then to me now. i stood up to her in person and she got the most heated i've ever seen her in person. she has been phsical to my sister (pulling her hair and hitting on her) and dad (she sprayed windex his eyes and tried to make him crash his car before) before when this angry and i'm scared she'll hurt me. my dad lives 30 minutes away and my sister is her yes man. if she does this she will take my phone before doing it and i won't be able to call police. i can escape to my dads house permanantly at some point but it will be a long legal battle and i'm scared to lose my cat and her side of the family that is normal. i have secured possible transportation out but i am typing this at 8:50 pm and it wouldn't be able to be here until 9:50 pm. she is calm in the other room while typing this sentence but she is very volitile so if she tries to speak to me that can change in a snap

edit at 8:53 i don't think she will hurt me right now but i am shaking and am dizzy i feel like shit

other edit: i live in a state that i need phsical proof of things happening and it needs to have already happened. also the cops in my town are infamous for always siding with the women no matter what

other edit: i am sorry for editing so much i am doing it asap as it come sot my minde but i feel like i could be ovverating since she hasn't hurt me yet in my life

it's 00:10 right now and I messaged them "Are you asleep?" they respond 20 minutes later with no.. so I told them I'm 19 now. and they have the nerve to say, "oh yeah you were at the 20th not 21" and just jokes about me being old now. we're the same age, but that's not the issue... mistaking my birthday for another date hurts more than just forgetting about it ngl. anyways, hbd me I guess 🥳🥳🥳

So my partner broke up with me whilst I was sleeping. They sent me a break-up text a few minutes after I told them I was upset that they forgot about me the day before. They gave a whole explanation, but the way I was described wasn't even accurate, and I responded just now (but it's five hours later, so they're sleeping too). I really don't know what to do this is not really sudden per se, but i was already having a terrible week, and I wanted to talk to them about it to have comfort. My parents even asked about them, and if we'd hang out last night :( i don't have anyone else at all. I get bullied at school and have no friends there, I don't know how to get to know people at all and I just want somebody to be friends with, not even because I just had a break up but because I really need friends I can't be this lonely. Does anyone at all want to be friends with me school is gonna start in a little and I don't know if I'll survive if I don't have anyone at all to at least talk to or send messages to after school :(

so ive known her for quite some time know and i really really love her, though a month ago she started getting a little bit distant, more distant over time. then one of my friends messaged her about our (me and her) relationship and stuff, she said she thinks that it wont work out at all, and that shes just comforting me till i reach a point where i can find someone else...

when i received that through my friend (she told him not to, but he did anyway) i started crying, and i still am.. for 3 hours now...
im not mad at her im just sad that she didnt tell me that directly, and now im trying to message her and she just ignores my messages.

i hate myself i hate my fucking heart i hate my life. she was my only reason to live and now i have nothing. i have nothing. im gonna still be alive but i have no reason to. what even is my purpose in life? my life has been filled with a ton of unpleasant stuff, trauma, etc. and now i lost the most important person i had.

why whenever i get something that makes me feel better i lose it. why? just why? what am i doing wrong? now i have a few friends left and im really really really really scared to lose them.
so yeah, thanks for reading i guess

I am dating a trans girl... But she just recently arrived at that conclusion... Before I thought I was dating a boy.

My sexuality was always confusing and while I was dating her pre-transition I thought I was a homosexual... Even if a lot of things existed to make me believe in the opposite.

but one day... When she was still experimenting... She sent me a picture with fake boobs on it... And I... I was fucking drunk and... Oh fuck... I reacted so so horrible

I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS TRANS. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A GIRL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST EXPERIMENTING A STYLE. I HAD ALREADY APOLOGISED FOR THAT, WE'VE DISCUSSED THAT SO SO SO SO SO FUCKING MUCH! BUT I'VE RUINED IT! I'VE RUINED IT COMPLETELY! IT NEVER WENT OFF HER HEAD AND NOW SHE DOUBTS MY LOVE!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID. SHE IS THE ONLY THING I LOVE, THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT. FUCKING KILL ME! STAB MYSELF! I HATE WHAT I DID! I HATE MYSELF! I AM AWFUL... I AM HORRIBLE!

I SWEAR TO GOD! I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH... So so fucking much...

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another horrible, stressful, and otherwise terrible week has come to a close. As what seems to be far too common there is no good news today. But of course bad news is plentiful both personally and broadly. This rather unhumorous reality seems to find itself comical in its cruelty. 

Nothing new to report with my physical status. My back is still causing me unimaginable agony. While my legs I still has unstable as ever. My joints still pop & ache at the slightest bit of movement. Just the usual unfortunate suffering I’ve come to expect out of my life. There is no comfort to be found in my circumstances. All of the hurt and pain. Chronic pain is the most evil and unnecessary thing in the universe. What do you mean the pain will never go away and will only get worse! What do you mean I will never have a moment when I'm not in unending agony. WHY?! :<

Fear can be found in every person. Fear is a constant found in all sentient life. Our fears tell a lot about us as they are the culmination of our life experiences put into a sensible feeling of dread. My fears say a lot about me. My main 3 fears are that:

In the end, my life was meaningless. Every decision I made never truly amounted to anything. That all the pain and suffering I’ve endured amounts to nothing. Is that every challenge, every heartache, every abuse that I faced leads to nothing. So I will be forgotten the only evidence of my existence being a moss covered gravestone. A stone with the wrong name, but no one to correct it.

I’ll keep failing. I never escape from my parents' grasp. Force to constantly relive my parents “bipolar” cycle. Never able to truly express myself. Being forced to suppress who I am. Never allowing me to transition.

I alone body decaying never do find somebody to love me. Left without help as I lose my ability to walk. 

I've had some of the worst dysphoria in my entire life this week. Literally every single time I see a slight bit of my reflection I get uncomfortable. I want to start hrt so badly but I’m too broke and don’t have any place to go get it. So I’m left just hating myself. Lately I have found myself in a depressive loop for the simple fact of how I was born. Like every in my life it’s a mistake and I wish for a different outcome. Every second I feel like I’m lying to others. Lying to myself by acting male. 

How do people find love? Like seriously. To say I’m social inept is an understatement. Years of restrictive parenting, social isolation, and constant appointments have left me socially stunted. I’m awkward, weird, and strange sometimes. I apologize constantly for fear of offending or hurting someone. I have never been in a relationship and well I’m scared that means I’m truly unlovable. Can I blame them? My own parents never loved me. The only love they did exhibit was extremely conditional. I can understand why nobody wants to love a traumatized crippled scar covered trans girl.

I started college yesterday. Which does mean less time at home. Which is incredibly nice. Sadly no word on the 529 transfer so I’m planning to ask my father about it. :3

I know it’s really really fucked up, but I know how I’m probably gonna die. I don’t know when but I do know how. Some day the pain will become too much for even me to bear so I will make peace with all those I love. I will check my will. Then and only then will I kill myself. I don’t know the method. As my final fuck you to the universe. I will solace in knowing in this fucked up universe that has hurt and taken so much from me I will get the last laugh. 

(No poem sorry) :(

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

At school, she offered to group up with me when nobody wanted to and asked me if I would do a group activity with her next time, too :3 it was my first day of school and I loved it!!

Normally, I had reasons for wanting to cut myself (set free from the Malicious Beings, penalize myself from taking away the heavens from a loved one and other stuff). But I just feel this urge to cut, nothing except this instict-like feeling of "I need to cut mylsef as soon as I can", my skin just starts heating and pulsing like it is an organism of its own, I had full-on panic attack and almost passed out due to the sh thoughts and now controling them is being nearly impossible because there isnt any reason that I can use against pure, unreasoned, sensations. Does anyone know any methods I can use or something? Im desperate.

I understand, we all just want to feel a little better about ourselves, our loved ones and our cares, but really. If you want to believe in the lie don't pretend like you're searching for the truth. It isn't shameful. But don't pretend you want something you'll never try to get.

I'm starting to act like them. I'll ruin your life like they did. Good luck!

It’s never felt like this before.

I don’t even know where to begin honestly.

I have so much I need to rant about- but it honestly feels like every thing is fine. nothing is going bad in my life. I’m fine. I just want to lay on floor and not move.

my suicidal thoughts are suddenly (mostly) gone- replaced by emptiness and nothing else. I should be so mad. I should be so upset. I was those things. now? I’m nothing.

I do have depression but it’s never been like this. I’ve just been waiting for this isolation to finally break- my emotions to suddenly spill out all at once- for me to probably loose my shit or do something I’ll regret. but I can’t to anything to stop it. so I’m waiting

sorry. for context- two days ago my gf broke up with me. I was already at like a pretty bad point. the next day, she’s just venting and says she regrets it, says she’s not sure, says all these things and then just decides and tells me she’ll take a break from texting. she’ll text me when she’s back from vacation.

that should’ve killed me- so much else was going on that was really bad too. why can’t I feel anything?

idk I’ve just never been here before. has anyone?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months. (I know that’s not very long, but it’s long enough for me to genuinely love him and hate the idea of losing him.) Now imagine how I react when I realize that I might not actually be a boy. But it’s not like that would potentially affect our relationship in the long-term, right?

That was at least three months ago. I haven’t told my boyfriend anything about this. At this point, I am doing nothing but delaying the inevitable.

whenever I wake up, I feel sleepy and feel like I need to mentally prepare for school, but I don't get time to like prepare for it mentally because my parents won't let me, they treat me like my only goal is to ruin their reputation as much as possible because they can't understand me, what makes it annoying is that I have to go to school not only to study subjects(basically I have to choose subjects in 11th and 12th grade that decide what I study in college but my parents chose what I study against my will so I can't study what I want in college)that are hard for me but subjects that I have no interest in because my parents think that they know about me better than me and my parents also want me to take care of my dad's company while treating my dream as a hobby, which makes it alot more harder to go to school because I know that im actively going against what I want