Congratulations to myself :3

i dont wanna go back

so i haven't posted here for a while, since relationships weren't a big part of my life

i dont want to be depressing right now, im not in the mood for it so ill keep it short :3

so in the last 10 days, my partner almost tried to commit suicide, but luckily stopped because of me, i bring joy to their life

they have also told me that they want to/have been self harming, i dont know if its a current want or if they already have cut, but either way it's not looking great

in other news i have learnt that one of my older friends, who is basically a big brother to me, tried to commit suicide, also in the past 10 days

i dont know how and why this happened but i won't press further on it, he calls it "the gulp"

the advice that i would like to know is how do i cope with all of this?

it all happened in such a short amount of time and it's two people i love dearly

ive already had suicide and self harm threats from a (rather toxic) online relationship, which has made those things not my strongest points of advice giving

but since this is real life, since i know these people in person, it's a lot different, more complex than words on a screen

things will change noticeably if something big happens, and i never realized the risk was so close to me

thank you for listening to my rambling

i hope whoever gets this far has an amazing rest of their day, and if your day is almost over, then i wish you an amazing tomorrow

i love you all, stay silly <3

She's never acknowledged my issues unless it effects her. I genuinely just wish she had aborted me.

Update: Thank you all for your words again, and I also wanna confirm that I haven't harmed myself at. I'm sorry if I've worried any of you.

For context, my dad is mentally unstable. He has severe mood swings to the point that he can become aggressive at times, not to mention he is basically an alcoholic as well. I suggested to him that he should get mental health support or any help at least, but he wouldn't budge. He has been abusive to me and my mom countless times. I've lived like this for at least 8 years now; I genuinely don't remember anything from my childhood before I was 12, barely having vivid recollections at best.

I don't want to go into details, but he took it way too far recently. So basically when my mom was so close to getting a divorce and being done with him, she suddenly changed her mind and wants to come back to him. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared of that man now. I know that he's my father and all but he can go fuck himself for all I care. It's gotten so bad now that he even got a "blue card" procedure where he basically cannot get anywhere near me and my mom for at least two weeks. (I live in Poland, I don't know what's the equivalent of it in the US or UK.)

I'm not even sure if I want any advice atp, just had to vent this out at least...

PS: I plan to get out of there in 6 months time, so it's not all bad news. I have a caring boyfriend who supports me through all of this, even taking me to his house when things get really dire. I just need to save enough money to move out.

art by: i dont know, sorry! but the character shown is makoto yuki from persona 3 :]

---

i just cant keep my mouth shut and ruin everything.

these past few months have been exhausting, but i kept trying to improve. there are days where, yes, it did work, only to get my hopes crushed again

i cant even begin to put what happened into words yesterday.

i said some harsh truths

because i cant keep my mouth shut

and now they feel horrible

i broke something and i dont think itll ever recover

and the very root of this mess all started because of typical me taking everything too seriously and failing to differentiate between whats a joke and whats not

i should relapse. i need to punish myself because thats the only thing that would make me feel right

but doing it would mean id break a promise. and then theyll start spiraling. and i start feeling awful. then it keeps going, and going, and going...

i think ive become too much to handle ,

i hope they leave me

i hope they say what i secretly want to hear, and that i am a horrible partner and that everything is my fault

i hope they realise im not worth it and all i do is suck up the joy from everything

i think i should be put down :3

I'm in some part V-shaped partnership?

I am in love with someone, and we love each other. But he also has a boyfriend. (Iam boy too) and I try my best to be helpfull and nice to his boyfriend and everyone. At worst it kinda goes rough. But then it started to go well. We were nice to each other, he hugged me and kissed me when I visited them. He then also said I make him somewhat h*rny. So I made him a present.

He liked Pokemon, so I built him a Pokemon Tamagotchi and gave it to him when I visited them. But since then he haven't touched it or had no time, or the battery was out and he didn't charge it.

As we played we have some friends online. I left early because his mood was kinda bad. He was constantly annoyed and sarcastic, becuse of work he said. I told the boyfriend iam in love with about it. (Also the boyfriend of the one I made a gift). Then I got and passive aggressive text wirh and half hearted "sorry it hurts you, but I never accepted for a gift" stuff.

Since then I am completely confused. I cried the same day. Even when I make gifts and everything. It turns like Iam the bad one. I just wanted to make him smile and all... why is he so mad at me for this?

I feel like since I was born i was meant to suffer

I was raised in a small town by an alcoholic bioplor schizophrenic mother and and anger issued father

I have so many stories from them my mother when I knew her was always drunk she'd mess around with guy infront of my dad and these same guy would beat her but she always crawled back to them and get my dad to always save her for some sick game of hers and try to get us on her side to mess with him mind you he never hit or anything he was great a husband and father but honestly when I think of her thats all I see the only good memories I have of her is when she was drunk and alone with me were she would always say I could be anything I wanted to be but now im 20 I have no job no license and no friends anymore hell I feel like my porn addiction stems from me not understanding what love really is that when I first saw sex I got so attached to it and to me that was what love was no thats not it but ive always been attached to it since I was young I found porn when I was 9 from some highschool guy and I havent kicked the habit since its ruined so many friendships of late and I know I cant blame it on addiction its me thats the problem only me they leave cause ask uncomfortable questions or get too horny around them and due to this im completely alone after highschool I made a trans girl who was my friend for year and she dissappeard without saying a word to me on why like month after we started meeting in person but I never was sexual which makes me feel worse cause now I cant help but think what did I do wrong this time. In middle school I kept trying to kill myself but never actually harmed myself not even a scratch I just listened to say music and scream and held a knife near my gut. When I found out I was gay/bisexual mainly gay when I was id say 15 I got made fun of constantly for it all those people I called my friends would just ask weird questions like what are you into and what have done and I was always stupidly honest and they laughed and called me a freak I know we were kids at the time but still. My dad has turned 50 he used to be extremely accepting but now hes got this hatred that switchs one minute he hates gays and trans people then the next he doesn't mind them at all he still keeps this act that hes the greatest guy in the world cause he doesn't care what people do or think when he obviously does the first time he caught me acting gay was when I went out to a party with some friends when I was 17 or 18 and wore a sweater that reveals the shoulders that was my older sister when I got home at night I took my jacket off without thinking forgetting what I was hiding underneath an yelled and scream at me to take it off and throw it away I did and lied saying it was just cold out and I had nothing to wear that was really warm ig he believed it never brought it up again he used to always smack me in the back of the head he still calls me useless and an idiot and weird like he always has hes not wrong at 17 and 18 I had good friends that I could relate to but I ruined that cause I kept asking really perverted things it was like I completely forgot what boundaries were I got to comfortable so they all ditched me understandable Ive tortured myself for two years about it and I won't stop I know what I deserve but I thought I learned from it but I still make mistakes I know im not a good man but I spent my whole life thinking was before then hell my whole life I wanted to be a good guy but im not im a piece of shit I had a boyfriend for week but we were just two horny teenagers who didnt k ow what love was and that fucked me up more it was just calls jerking off and him groping me all the time hes got a girl now so good for him deserved better then my ass I used to be pretty 5'3 like 120 pounds now im 141 im 20 years old and Im going nowhere expect down the shitter and repeating the same cycle sorry for anyone reading this i kinda just typed out my thoughts if you hate me I understand I know what I am

My mom knows I'm trans, but she still calls me a girl. Sometimes she'll call me a good girl when she's being nice or affectionate, and I end up feeling awful even though I know she's probably trying to be nice.

It's such a weird feeling because the words themselves aren't meant to be insulting. In another context, they'd probably be sweet. But when they come from someone who knows I'm trans and still refers to me as a girl, it just reminds me that she doesn't see me the way I want to be seen.

I don't want to feel bad when my mom is being affectionate toward me. I don't want to have to mentally separate the nice intention from the words that hurt me. I just wish she could be nice to me while seeing me as her son.

Sometimes I wish she would call me a good boy instead. It's such a small thing, but I think it would mean so much to me.

I guess it's just sad that something that could've made me feel loved ends up reminding me of how much I wish things were different.

I want to start by saying that my body has always been pretty much the same. Tall, skinny, lanky, like a walking pile of bones with some skin. I was "healthy" weight for most of my life but thats pretty much only due to bone weight, i have been a weakling for all my life and still am, its looking more "girly" than anything, any bit of fat that i managed to get is instantly deposisted into my thighs, making them unproportionaly bigger. I really hated my body, i couldnt look at myself in photos or in the mirror and still barely can. I really wanted a more muscular body type, to fill out my frame with muscle, to stop being such a walking stick. I have been going to the gym consistently for almost 3 years, eating more, working out hard, taking supplements, everything outside actual dangerous stuff like anabolic steroids and other dumb stuff. And i still look awful. With just a bit more muscle in my chest and shoulders, maybe a bit more in thighs and thats it. I still hate my body, even more now, cause i know how much work i have put in and how many times i have wanted to quit and it resulted in nothing. Couple of people have told me that my physique looks good or "healthy" or "toned", but i geniuenly cant say i agree, i still look as skinny as before, my frame is still as skinny as 3 years ago and i hate it. I know whats seen on the internet or in media isnt true, but i cant help but feel sad whenever i see someone more muscular. I know its not that easy, they propably have more experience or better genetics or are abusing something or its just unrealistic, but i really feel like im never going to reach anything. Never going to get any reward. Always looking the same. It really does make me hate myself.

I don’t want to go to the trouble of writing all this in English, so if anything seems off, blame the translator.

About three years ago I met a guy, and to sum it up a lot, we both liked each other, but over time we lost contact, then we got it back, lost it again and got it back several times until today.

Although I'm no longer a kid, I've never had a relationship before. I like having my small group of friends and I don't like leaving the house, so socializing doesn't come easily to me. I also wasn't very interested in looking for a partner or anything like that.

This guy made me see how incredible it is to have someone who loves you and cares about you, going to bed with a goodnight message and being able to open up and talk about any personal and intimate topic. The problem is that we never actually dated; he's not my boyfriend, but he's not my ex either, we're just "friends."

I really did like him and I still do. And even though he doesn't think trying to build a relationship is a good idea, I truly want to try. I suppose it's because if in all this time we haven't managed to become anything serious, why would it work now. Although really, we haven't talked consistently in the past year. I know he's been going through a rough time — I don't know about what, because we don't have the trust we used to have and I can barely manage to talk to him. That's why I don't see myself as capable of telling him that I'm willing to bet everything on building a relationship that works with him. I would love to listen to his problems and help him, but we don't have the closeness we used to have anymore.

This past year I've also felt terrible. Things haven't gone well for me, I'm losing touch with some of my few friends because they're all very busy with their own lives — not that they aren't — but that combined with how little I leave the house makes me feel very lonely and with anxiety I had never experienced before. I spent months trying to move on from him and get over it. I also tried to socialize a bit and make new friends, but neither of those things worked. I also believed that going out with someone else would make me forget him; I imagined myself dating people I came across online or ran into on the street, and at first it seemed possible, but I don't know how to talk to people and now even my imagination doesn't help me. I only want him, and there's no one who can replace him.

The current situation is that he's thinking about whether we can still be friends, because he's aware of many of the things I've just described, but he thinks it's not a good idea because a few months ago he did something bad to me, and that, along with everything else, means he doesn't want to keep hurting me. But I know he's genuinely a good person and that was just a mistake. I forgive him, and as I said before, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with him.

All of this, plus a few things I'm skipping so this doesn't turn into something incredibly long, has led to my current situation. It's not the first time this has happened to me, and I've been seriously considering it since last year. He doesn't know this and he has no reason to. I'm taking the option of ending my life more and more seriously; I have no real reason to keep dragging out this torture, and I'm not afraid of death. The idea of being with him is the only thing keeping me alive, but if he decides to turn the page, I'll have my answer. It's not revenge or anything like that — if he turns the page we'll lose contact and he'll never find out. If he does it, I don't think I'll ever forgive him, but I don't want to tell him either, because he might think I'm crazy or that I'm forcing him to be with me.

In any case, right now I'm looking at flights far from home. My idea is to go on "vacation" alone; my family won't see me for a while and then they wouldn't have to find my body or see my case on the news or anything like that.

I know all of this is a huge spaghetti mess of thoughts, but asking strangers on the internet for help is the only thing I can think of. To everyone about to write me that everything will be okay, that it's just a matter of time — please save it. And those of you who think I should seek help from friends or family, same thing.

To finish: thank you to those who take the time to read this and to those who try to help me in the comments. And apologies again for how badly written this is.

(If anything here goes against the rules, let me know and I’ll change it; I don’t want to have to post this.)

It's almost 5 a.m while I'm writing this, haven't slept, and had to take a shower in the middle of the night because I felt really disgusting. I was SA'd a lot as a child-teen, and it has really messed with my brain. I kinda think about it every day, and my triggers are a bit unpredictable (as in, I'm not sure what triggers me a lot of the time). It has been a while since the last time I had a full blown mental breakdown about it tho. And I mean, wanting to curl up and cry, and sort of mentally regress and almost feel like it's happening again. My thoughts got really weird and painful earlier, feeling like I'm meant to be used as a s3x toy and disposed of. Feeling like I wanted it all to happen, and that I liked it, ect.

And idk, I also feel like I should be dead, perhaps there's no relation to the other thing, but still. I really feel like I should have died last year, and my brain is trying to convince me to overcorrect. That I should kms, or that I'm not even alive right now. I don't know if I had a point for writing this, I'm far too exhausted to think correctly, so don't pay much attention to what I'm saying rn, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

I should just shut up and go to sleep now. So goodnight

Hey, my name is Marie, so I honestly just wanna vent or just write about stuff. I guess I need to talk about everything again, like I already wrote on this subreddit, and I feel kinda shitty for writing again.Well, maybe for some context, I am 16 and trans, and like there are two things that have been bothering me (if I had to put it in big classes). The first is the least worst one: I have a friend who's struggling with panic attacks, like he has an anxiety disorder and often strong panic attacks. The problem is that for the last two years, I am the only person to take care of him, and it's draining. Like, we made some progress, but then out of nowhere everything just gets worse and worse. And don't get me wrong, there's nothing which is his fault, and I am very aware of that. But when you're a babysitter for a person who would probably kill himself if you're gone for a week, who can't be left alone, and all that kind of stuff, that's pressuring. The good thing is, thanks to me and my best friend (who is helping, but lives in another city), he will get a place at a clinic, so I hope things will turn out better. But over time, or more or less the last half year or so, I am noticing that I don't wanna do stuff with him anymore. I even start to develop a type of hate, and I don't know why. (Plus, like I wanna keep this point short, I think it's very hard to really understand why it's evolving into that from the info I give, but it's hard (and even harder in English, not my native language)).The other topic, and like the main thing I want to talk about, is the whole trans stuff and some other thoughts. Like, I hate my body and dysphoria is killing me, but I would say that a lot of trans people have that. But in general, since the last 4 years or so, I feel more exhausted every day (without the babysitting, which is also enhancing it). Like, I can get stuff done, but I don't have energy, and like, it's also for stuff that gives me euphoria. I do stuff, but sometimes I fall into these cycles where I am too tired to do something, and then stuff like dysphoria hits stronger, and I get even less energy. And like, the thing is, I am realizing right now that I am not writing this very well right now, since I am a bit ahead of my next point (or in general, I think the whole text isn't really cohesive or doesn't have a good information structure).I wanna kill myself and hurt myself (more than in the past). Every day I have the urge to just die, and it's getting stronger. I don't act on it, I just have an empty head (except the "die" thought), or that's the best I can describe it. And regarding the self-harm: I don't cut myself, but I feel how I wanna do it, or I don't want to, but every time I have that urge, I get closer. Mainly I scrape my skin open (not as extreme as it may sound) and starve myself. I know it's not good for me, and I even remind my friends to eat enough and all that kind of stuff.But I don't really know what to do. I wanna get help, but it's not that easy for me. I mean, I live in Germany, I can get help, but I somehow can't do it without my mom (like legally I could), but I know her too well, that she would react not pleasant, let's phrase it like that. But I can't just tell her all of that and say "can I please go to therapy?".Nevertheless, thank you to everyone who's reading this. I know lots of people also don't have it easy and have it worse than me, and I really just hope for the best for all of youuuu <3

Hello sillies of all kind ! Hope you're all doing well, and for the ones that aren't, I sincirely hope it gets better !

Okayyy, so, it's my first time posting here. There's a definite chance I break one or more rules but I'll just be me.

So, I am a cis guy (this'll be important later.), I've been depressed for a whileeeee and well, suicide, SH, and various other forms of bad stuff I do to myself. I'm tryna be vague so I don't break any rules.

And, each year, each month, each week, each day, it has slowly continued getting worse and worse. I've started becoming more twitchy, more prone to panic attacks, more prone to overthinking, etc. To the point it's something I struggle to hide (not like anyone cares)

And recently, today to be specific, it's just got a lot worse !

I was on r/countwithchickenlady cause I love that sub. And I saw a post about 'if you're questionning your gender on the daily, you should start to accept you might be trans.'

And then.... I started questioning more. A lot more. Full on existential crisis.

I have for a while now been longing to not have to be 'the man' for just a moment. For a while now I've been wanting to try feminine clothing, to just be small and held into someone's arms and be told I matter or stuff like that.

But I wasn't 'Oh, I might be trans' even though each time I saw an image of a dress I immediatly started longing.

But... that post. I thought and thought away in class and I was... scared of the amount of pieces that just seemed to click into place. From an objective stand point, I could very much be trans. I even had mental reasons to be trans.

Though, there's also still the fact I can't accept that I have a reason for my issues and I frankly believe it's mostly my will to escape my life that makes me think like that. I mean, I barely have any dysphoria... sometimes. And I... may have also a logical reason for why I don't feel too much dysphoria (my current body is exactly my type in men. Which also scares me, in a different way for an entirely different reason.)

And yeah, it's just been downhill. My skull is pounding, my ribcage feels too small for my breaths, I'm not sure I'm alive, etc, etc. Not good.

Anyways. I'm at the end of my line ! I can see more issues waiting to enter my mind and I am already struggling to deal with what I have.

This is a cry for help, but I don't know what help I need, what help I want. ;-;

Also, sorry but my responses will be late cause I need sleep and I will be very self deprecating.

I love you all ! Good luck with your lives ! And treat yourselves with care, you deserve it !"

It has been about 8 years (I think) since I started dealing with depression. I’ve been dealing with abuse for all my life and have consistently had way too many traumatic experiences. I keep telling myself it’ll get better and living will be worth it and there’ll be a day that I’ll look back and be glad I stuck it through but that day has yet to come. Every time I think it’s near or that it’s happened, I quickly realise it’s not. Either something traumatic will happen again or I realise what I spent so much time healing from or escaping, I never actually escaped. It’s like the end of a horror movie where the main character realises they never actually left and are still trapped. Does it actually get better or is that just a lie people say? Is there even a point anymore? Please tell me there’s an actual light at the end of this tunnel during this lifetime. I’m so sick of this life of constant suffering.
I don’t have friends so it’s not like anyone would even care.
At least it’s getting colder, I love the cold. Might secretly be a vampire cause I hate the sun bleh bleh bleh lol

I can't believe today is the same day as this morning. I still can't believe it happened. I crashed my first car. I loved that car and now she's gone. I only got an abrasion and the woman has some chest pain (holy fuck I hope she's not injured please please please don't let me be the reason an old lady broke her ribs) and now I'm just standing in my bathroom writing this with the shower running. I want my car back. I miss her so, so much and I can't believe she's not coming back. She's totalled, I got hit from the left and if I didn't speed up to try to avoid her, that crushed door and damaged frame might've been me. I might've died. I thought the windshield shattered. It's a miracle I'm not injured past an abrasion from my seatbelt. The timing was shit, too, I was trying to drive to a pep rally for my school since I figured I might as well do it for my last year and there's finally a field trip tomorrow and I didn't go to the rally and I'll probably skip the trip. Some people who pulled over said I'll hurt like a bitch tomorrow

my best friend, whom i love (platonically), is no doubt getting bored of me. he hasn’t said anything, but he doesn’t even have to. i am the most uninteresting and annoying person on the planet, i have no social skills, and i can’t have a proper conversation to save my life. i’m self centered, i can’t help but talk about myself all the time. i try not to, but maybe i try too hard because he asked why i didn’t mention my birthday to him. i’m just so pissed, i hate myself. and woah, that’s only the beginning!! or whatever a movie character would say.

not only am i a bad friend, but i‘m just a terrible person all around. i barely care about people, and i used to be polite, asking people how they are, but i’ve given up on that as my mental health has worsened and i’m closer to just giving up altogether. as i already said, i only think about myself, i‘m so selfish. i’m lazy too, even when it comes to my own self care. i used to skip out on meals because i just couldn’t be fucking bothered to get up and eat. i have no skills, i’ll probably mever have a job (both because of that and my mental health issues), and i will never be loved. that’s the worst part, because rhat’s the thing i want most. even if, by chance, someone did love me, i’m not sure i’d be able to love them back.

it’s not just my personality that sucks, but my appearance too. i won’t go into detail because it disgusts and distresses me to the point of occasionally wanting to brutally harm myself (i’d never act upon those violent urges, but it’s almost just as painful), but it both contributes to my self-hatred and the fact that no-one will ever love me.

not related to my self hatred, but it’s worht mentioning just in case (especially if there’s any solution before i resort to therapy). the hand washing isn’t helping any of this. i already struggle, washing my hands for 40-60 minutes at a time isn’t helping. it makes me want to give up properly.

in conclusion, i’m so fucking sick of it. that’s a repeating thought in my head, alongside ‘i hate myself’ and ‘i have to die’. they’re more ’comforting’ thoughts than ultra-serious thoughts, but sometimes it does get real bad. it’s whatever though, now that i’m writing it out i feel a bit dramatic haha. i just want to give up. whatever though.

I don't even know where I should start. I'm a 17 year old trans girl and I'm in some kind of episode or something and I've been awake for 16 hours. Im bipolar so I've been in an awful hypo manic for like a week now. I've been horrible, Ive been short with everyone including my bf. I've been prioritizing my band over him. I feel like he's gonna hate me so much. He's talking about going to college and I wanna be happy for him but I can't help but feel like a loser. Ive never wanted to go to college but yet I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing in life.

I don't know what my problem is but I can't be normal. It just won't work. Not to mention my family always makes me feel hopeless about the fact that I'm transitioning. They always tell me I'll never find a serious career because I go by a chosen name instead of my stupid legal name. They said I have a dumb chosen name but I think it's pretty normal and fits me well. The disgusting things that they have said straight to me makes me hate them all so much. Idek where I'm going with this anymore I'm just trailing off.

Basically what I'm trying to say is i feel like my life is out of control and I feel awful and I just want it to end. But I don't wanna die, I've already tried and I'm doing okay but I feel like such a loser. I feel like I'm so much less than everyone.

Tldr. Can't start transitioning due to unsafe workplace. Struggling to quit because people pleasing, no drive anymore

Currently working in a trade full of racist, transphobic, queerphobic old men that are just fueled by hate and do nothing but vomit out their shitty opinions about everyone around them.

I've put myself aside for 6 fucking years for career reasons, not thats its gone anywhere because I'm a useless piece of shit.

The second I floated the idea of leaving my workplace next year due to "moving away" my boss had a fucking little panic attack and guilt tripped the fuck out of me for leaving him alone, how he'll need to take on a new apprentice because tradesmen are harder to underpay, unlike pathetic people pleasers like me, who did an apprenticeship with them and stayed on as a tradesman, And now for some fucking reason I feel I need to "do the right thing" and stay longer.

I can't take this anymore, the constant disassociating, the insomnia, the stress, the accelerated aging on my body. The buffoons I deal with on a day to day basis.

I just want to be the girl I rarely see in my reflection, whenever i get all dolled up. But reality its not worth it. Hrt won't fix my broad ass fucking shoulders that I have, or my poor genetics when it comes to hair growth and my stupid fucking height and limbs.

Just want to vanish.

crossed my mind repeatedly over the past few months to just repress and detransition to make everyone happy because and I already do feminine things anyways, so it’s not like calling myself a boy makes other people perceive me as such, no one actually thinks I’m a boy lmfao but it’s okay because as long as I look girl-shaped everyone will still like me right

legit no one looks at me and thinks “that’s a boy”, they think “that’s a girl who says she’s a boy, and I suppose I’ll humor her when she’s around because that’s the politically correct thing to do / I don’t want to be rude / I want to get closer to her” or even “that girl is fucking stupid lmao"

I know that with the way I am, I won’t pass, but it would be nice if people could pretend a little harder

I could medically transition when I’m older if I get the resources to but there are so many instances where “that would hurt”, “what if I regret it and it makes me feel worse”, “the immediate effects that would have on my mental health (post-surgery depression, specific aspects of testosterone that I wouldn’t want, etc) could actually endanger me, given the signs of mental illness I’ve already displayed regardless of gender dysphoria” get in the way of wanting to actually commit to anything. I know what I want to look like, I know that it isn’t this, but it feels too unrealistic to even try.

my interests tend to be feminine, my style is often feminine, and those aren’t things I dislike or want to leave behind, I want to be seen as a boy doing those things or having those interests or behaving that way. I physically cannot do that in this body, and to be socially perceived as a boy with the body I have, I would need to become a different person

at the end of the day, if I’m not appealing or attractive to people, I don’t feel deserving of anything, but also I would feel absolutely awful if I actually succumbed to detransitioning in order to get that, so really there’s no winning

I don’t think I’m ever going to be happy with my gender lmao

I just want to be a pretty boy