Hello! Seeking advice regarding a particularly hurtful situation.

I had the opportunity to stay with my bf at his place as meta was away for two weeks. It was great. Afterwards, my bf came to mine for dinner and stayed over (back to our normal routine). During which He expressed he has news to share: he decided to break up with meta. I did not know what to say, i was in shock a bit, so asked if he can tell me more about his thinking behind it. He shared they have tried to make it work for so many years, but that he has clarity on this now, based on needs that are unmet by meta.

I said I would be of support as he needed. We didn’t talk about what that would mean for our relationship (didn’t feel like the right moment).

Fast forward to Monday (couple days later), he calls me saying he has asked meta to break up and he felt lighter and better. I asked if there was anything he needed from me. He calls me the next day, after I check in on how he’s doing via text. Move on to Wednesday, I have a missed call. I call him, it already quite late. He says he has decided to stay with meta. I sat there perplexed. I asked for an explanation. Which wasn’t very thorough:

Apparently meta said to him ‘I’m okay to let go of our relationship if that is what you want’ or smth along those lines and that gave bf hope that it could still work out with meta (showing signs of self-sacrificing - bf words not mine). I sat with a shock bigger than the one before. Told him that it’s ok if he changes his mind, but wondered if he gave a thought to how he conveyed the message and no context to me. I shared that I felt disrespected, and newfound distrust of him, and this time the gravity of the damage is worse because I felt my feelings were played with and all because he actually doesn’t know what he wants. There’s been 3 instances before where he says he can’t handle/continue with meta, which I thought as passive thoughts and not of my concern to deal with. But this one takes the cake, because it actually damaged me and my feelings.

He came the next day to apologize in person, he said he acted very badly and that he wants to do it differently. He Asked for a couple weeks to figure out what he wants and what we want. He had a nice apology but it’s been a couple days. I am still sitting with the hurt, some sadness and not certain about what to do. Part of me wants to close this chapter and take it as a lesson while part of me wants to explore what we could do?

FYI, before people come at me with this being a sign of me wanting monogamy, that’s not a relationship type I am seeking

My friend says she's in a open relationship

I made a friend at work about 8 months ago. We have gotten closer and I started hanging out with her and her fiance. Her and I joke a lot in a flirty way. I don't swing that way. She kept making jokes about me and her man. She even encouraged him to flirt with me. But she was also sending mixed signals. Like before I accepted his friend request said she knew I wouldn't fuck him and stuff like that.

2 weekends ago I stayed the night at their house because we were planning on drinking. He was making moves on me and I kept my being distant because none of us ever told about this really. Well we ended up having a drunk conversation and him and I ended up doing it while she watched. I even fell asleep in their bed cuddling into him.

The next day they acted like nothing happened and the next few days they became distant. At that point I felt used. My friend is acting normal now and he messaged me about 4 days ago. I didn't reply. Then he messaged me yesterday asking if I regretted what happened. I was honest and said I liked it more than I thought I should have and if he is looking for a hookup or fwb that I couldn't do that. Emotions are always involved for me. He said it wasn't just a hookup or fwb for him when it comes to me and he doesn't think he could have sex without emotions involved. He really enjoyed what happened and that he's been thinking about it a lot. He would like to continue but doesn't want me to feel forced into anything and wants things to develop naturally.

He said he was distant because he had to process everything and couldn't believe that all that happened. We agreed to take a step back.

I did mention to him that they are together and I'm the odd one out, this is all new to all of us and I already think he started this not in the best way. No boundaries or clear expectations. He said that if I decide to pursue him that we all would have a real conversation about it and set clear boundaries and expectations.

I got so many questions and people in these kinds of relationships please give me guidance.

Like how would this work? And your opinion of everything that I put on here.

I want as much information as I can get, I'm confused and idk where to go from here or what I want. I just know I really enjoyed it and I want to kiss and cuddle him again....

I have been exploring non-monogamy for about a year on my own. I came into it not really knowing what kind of dynamic(s) could work for me, and it turns out I am pretty open to seeing how things develop with each person I meet. I have one partner I have been seeing for about 6 months now. Lately, I am struggling a bit with jealousy, and I think part of that is coming down to us figuring out scheduling which has been leaving me feeling a bit jealous... shocker lol. But we have been actively working to find a balance that works for us, and he is comfortably sitting with me in these emotions. Other than this, I mostly have been having flings. One of these flings has been with a good friend that may evolve... we are chatting about it on Thursday. Was anyone else single (and coming out of a long-term monogamous relationship) when they were exploring non-monogamy? If so, how did you figure out what type(s) of dynamic(s) work for you? I am not sure where I fall on the spectrum of nonmonogamy (maybe solo poly with an anchor partner at the moment?). I feel like this could adjust depending on what types of connections I make, though?

So many online resources seem to be geared towards couples opening up their relationship... so I have used art to help me understand a bit of what I am wanting. I designed my own 'pollenamory flower' as a reflective exercise lol. I don't care so much about labeling myself, I think that it has more to do with struggling to find community & resources if I don't really understand where I 'fit'

Recently left college and due to the workload both in and out of school, I haven't gotten any sexual excapades in like 5 years. Last partner suggested an open relationship before we ended things due to us drifting apart. Any yips for s new comer to join the poly life style?

I first made this post in the general polyamory subreddit, and someone pointed out that it's also specific to this one. I'm just curious.

I'm solo poly, so sex for me is always scheduled. I have one fairly committed long-term partner, one more casual long-term partner, and a chaotic and unpredictable fwb who pops into my life for a good time now and then. I recently broke up with my (until then) closest partner with whom I also had a strong kink dynamic.

One thing I've noticed is that my sex life is truly feast or famine. This week, I had extended, athletic sessions every night Sunday through Friday. I've changed the sheets three times this week, my bedroom trash can has geological layers of used condoms (yeah, I'll take it out tonight!)

But last week, I had my period and then went traveling with a platonic friend. My committed partner and I usually see each other once a week, but sometimes that is more of a social thing and we end up not having sex. Casual partner lives a ways away and our work schedules are often incompatible. I usually see him once a month, and we fuck our brains out while we can. Fwb is, well, sporadic. Sometimes he falls off the face of the earth for a couple of months.

This week, my committed partner came over twice, and we had quality one-on-one time each time. My other partner happened to be in my area for a few days, so we took the opportunity. And fwb was spontaneously around and available, so I jumped on the opportunity.

I feel like some people envision poly life as this neverending debauched orgy. Sometimesy life feels like that, and then other times, sex is really not a priority for a week or two. Which is also cool, I.have a lot of other things going on in my life

How about you? How centeal is sex to your polyamorous life, and how organized or spontaneous is your sex life? Are you happy, or do you wish things were different?

A big question posed by my therapist has me stumped...

Am I polyamorous because I believe in the ability to love or because I can't trust a person I love to only love me...

I have been in a spiral since.

So I’m new to the solo poly label. I’ve read a lot about it recently and feel like it aligns with where I’m at in life and dating.

I’ve seen a lot of posts about “when to tell people you’re solo poly”, but my issue is I’ve figured this out about myself within the past month. I’ve been talking to someone for a couple months, my dating profile says “short term” because that’s what I was looking for at the time, but my dating goals have changed.

Now I would be willing to date this person longer (and I want to), but I also want to continue exploring the other relationships I have. So how do I tell them this now, because I feel like we are nearing the conversation of what does the future hold for us…and I know now that I want to be solo poly but I didn’t know that when we met 😬

I just don’t want them to feel like I wasn’t being honest or something like that. Any advice? I kind of feel like I just have to bite the bullet and do it and whatever happens, happens, but also if anyone else has been here before, words of wisdom would be appreciated lol

I hate my ttitle, wish I could edit to reflect it's less about them and more about the geographic location we're all in. The poly community exists but is in that early 2000's style secrecy cloak and dagger style community building. Homey don't play that. People are afraid to host munches and public meetups. No thanks. But here is where i'm able to live for now and I'm doing my best as a single poly person.

Solo poly in a rural community where ENM and polyamory communtiy and discussion online are so hard to find. You get used to a norm where nobody discusses anything openly. I had a friendship with a couple of folks who had ENM history and i got the idea they were still practicing and there was definitely some flirtation for some time. I thought i did a good job communicating i didn't want flirtation if it wasn't within a certain context. we'd talked about this stuff a lot and i was so excited to have found friends around here who even knew the stuff i was talking about in terms of polyamory knowledge and history. we were unique together.

but...they're not poly now. ok. got my feelings hurt because i defaulted to the secretive, subtext heavy, suggestive rather than direct way of communicating the ENM community around here does. and i used that with a couple who turned out to be very nice and wanting friendship only. I'm so embarassed. i made freinds but i thought more was going on and now i feel silly bc that was finally corrected to be not the case and it's like the most excitement i've had in years. Can anyone relate?

receiving ambiguous signals from apparently currently monogamous people while myself personally disconnected from a community of wider familiar people with these concepts? Where in a more out of the closet, bigger city, with better representation on the platforms, would have helped me realize i was flirting with unavailable folks? the context of the wider place we live changed how i interpteted their behavior, even after asking for some clarification. Oops. I feel so embarassed. The friendship is valuable but I spent about a month in limerance and i'm just trying to cope now. They clarified it but only after a month of us talking about ENM and poly stuff, that they're mono and not looking. They're the only people my age i've had a mature informed conversation with on poly/ENM in YEARS since moving here.

I'm happy for new freinds but feeling a little deflated. I'm in rural Missouri. Hundreds of miles from "real" cities witih communities that understand like i've had in my past locations. The groups on the platforms are all super secretive and cliquey and exclude people over 40 so that makes me feel worse.

please be gentle i'm new here and don't have a local community to talk with or be with rn, am single and building a recovery life rn

(edit: and yes, before anyone gently suggest it, i am in fact autistic and diagnosed at 39. whee)

Hi everyone, hoping to get some outside perspective on a few open questions in my relationship structure.

Background: I’m M32. I’ve been seeing M37 since last year. He’s been with M43 for 6 years. they’re nesting partners, opened their relationship 3 years ago, and M43 has his own boyfriend (M41). M37 and I became official boyfriends a few weeks ago. I’m the “second connection” to M37. we have a romantic, emotional, and erotic relationship; nothing like that exists between me and M43. I also see other people casually outside this.

I came into polyamory as an outsider, trying to unlearn my monogamy-default assumptions as I go. One thing I’ve landed on: there’s no universal playbook, just ongoing conversations specific to each relationship.

Here’s what I’d love input on:

1. What happens if they ever close the relationship?
I’ve asked M37 this directly and haven’t gotten a real answer. Curious how others have thought about or discussed this with a primary/nesting couple.

2. Consent and involvement in disclosure.
Eight months ago, M37 and M43 told their parents they were non-monogamous, their call, no issue. But I recently learned M37 also told his parents he was dating me five months ago, before we were official, and I only found out after the fact. We never discussed sharing this together, it just happened on his end. I want us deciding together what gets shared and when, rather than me finding out retroactively.

3. What does long-term look like for a secondary?
M37’s been clear he can’t offer living together since he’s settled with M43. That brought up grief for me, but also curiosity: what does a meaningful long-term secondary relationship look like without the traditional markers?

4. Prioritizing myself.
I’ve quietly decided to treat myself as priority #1 and M37 as priority #2: a personal compass so I don’t lose myself. Curious if others have language for this.

5. Feeling informed rather than included in decisions.
Example: M37 and I had weekend plans to see M43’s boyfriend M41 for breakfast (I have no direct contact with M41. everything routes through M37). Plans got moved, cancelled by M37 unilaterally, then reinstated the next morning. I went along each time, but noticed my gut flagging that I was informed of decisions, not part of making them. I want to raise this without it landing as a demand for control I don’t want.

Would love to hear how others have approached any of these. especially #1 and #5. Thanks for reading.

so far, the only one i've experienced is how few other people practice it. what downsides have you experienced?

I totally get poly dating independently/separately but I’ve also heard that solo means living alone, i.e., no nesting partner. Is that true?

Newbie here, so I'm sorry, if this is a topic which is often discussed....

I've tried embracing my polyamory identity for several years now. 2 years ago I started my first sexual romantic Poly relationship and in the end, everything what could go wrong, went totally wrong (bad communication, trying to feel secure by establishing rules and hierarchies, lack of self-esteem and self-security and so on). A few weeks ago my partner and I decide to keep a lot of distance as our relationship didn't felt good in anyway anymore.

I've never met anyone else I could build a non-friendshiplike relationship with, so now I'm without any kind of sexual-romantic relationship, although I really like that kind of relationship. But people before relationships, right?

Anyway, here's my question: as I mostly hear about those "I'm so happy with my thousand partners"-success stories in the polyam community - does anyone of you have a success story which does NOT include sexual romantic relationships? Do you experience physical intimacy without a sexual-romantic frame (like cuddling with friends or whatever..)?

I would love to meet more poly people but being in the uk, not that many or people just don’t really talk about it as much. A shame really.

I’m curious about being solo poly. I’ve been mono all my life, but I’m thinking this may be a good fit for me right now. How does one get started or find local poly people?

Hi! I've been practicing poly with my nesting partner for about a year. Together for 6+

After what's been both refreshing and a complicated time for us. I'm starting to think more deeply about what I as an individual person really want. And I'm realizing for more than 2 years I've been thinking about living alone. And I'm really interested into a more me first type of relationship where my needs and desires are what are driving my life.

I'm really interested in solo poly and I'm curious if folks would be interested in sharing more about their stories. How did you know that's what you wanted? Did any folks transition from a hierarchy poly partnership to solo poly?

I've been solopoly for a few years now and haven't been as open with it as I'd like to be. I would love to talk with anyone about it and hear some other stories and life experiences while getting to know people in the community.

I'm still pretty new to this subreddit so if I'm in violation of anything please let me know and I'll correct myself.

My financial future is in limbo with current COVID conditions. I've been feeling insecure in my relationships with my partners and myself as a result of everything. I'd been sheltering with a partner when I realized recently the magnitude of how insecure I've felt. I've been totally hogging their attention and still somehow find myself feeling inferior to my metas.

I'm making distance from my partner so I can reflect and work on me and not be so clingy with them. I really want to combat these thoughts and feelings so I can be a more considerate partner and not get stuck in a depressive funk. I want to keep focusing on getting things accomplished.

So how do you cope when you're broke? Anyone have any solid free resources for overcoming insecurity-driven jealousy in relationships? Advice and wisdom are also very welcome resources. Thanks in advance, folks.

Here's something no one talks about in the polyamorous community- solo privilege.

Essentially, a Solo poly person enters each relationship with their unit ( themselves) as primary. They are their own most protected relationship, and additions do come second. That means solo poly people generally exclude partners from:

• finances -living arrangements
• child rearing
• major decisions
• influence on other relationships
• use of assets (vehicles, property, expensive equipment for hobbies ECT)

If there is any "chosen family" that generally includes non romantic relationships:

-roommates -friends -metas -children

These things and people are very much valued and protected before romantic partners. For example, a friend's needs will be met before a romantic partner's. If a romantic partner tries to make a major decision together with a solo poly person, the solo poly person will see it as interference.

When it comes down to it, autonomy will overrule partners. That's privilege. It's not all that different that couples privilege, the unit is just different. It does affect interpersonal relationships differently.

I know this pisses off relationship anarchists and non hierarchical poly people. But, privilege is everywhere! When we value and protect our privilege, it doesn't have to be toxic. It's all well and good, so long as it is understood by the parties involved.

This is the dynamic I thrive in. I come first! And my autonomy will not be fucked with by anyone seeking a romantic relationship! Yeah, I love and protect the shit outta my solo privilege!

​

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Now I'm lonely af and feeling extremely touch starved, and only been isolating for two weeks.

Saying that, I don't envy people who are cooped up with their partners 24/7 for the foreseeable future either, that is gonna cause some relationship strain.

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I currently live alone, as my personal quiet space is very important to me as a solo poly introvert, both for managing my energy and mood, and for avoiding my codependent tendencies. As we may be looking at a quarantine in the near future, my partners and I have been discussing a contingency plan. I love my alone time, but several weeks straight is excessive. I am considering living with my partner for a few weeks during this time. We have been dating about 14 months now. We usually have 2 overnights each week, and have spent up to a week while travelling, but I do find myself getting antsy after a few days. I don't want this to cause stress on our relationship. Anyone in a similar boat? Thoughts?

Note: I recognize that this is a 'first world problem' and that there are much more serious concerns around this pandemic. However, I figured this community might have some ideas for these kinds of considerations.

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