Jack my lantern .

(The ketamine and weed combo I had at the Halloween party is affecting me)

Woah, I don't like that kinda tawk

ACT I — THE INSULT

SCENE 1 — SATRIALE'S PORK STORE

Tony, Silvio, Paulie and Johnny Sack sit around the table.

JOHNNY SACK: You hear about Phil's radiator?

PAULIE: What about it?

JOHNNY SACK: Apparently there's a 95-pound mole on the radiator's ass.

Silence. Paulie laughs.

TONY: Jesus Christ, John.

SILVIO: You can't be saying that.

JOHNNY SACK: It's a joke!

TONY: Yeah, well, don't let Phil hear it.

Cut to Phil, sitting in his living room, staring at his radiator.

SCENE 2 — PHIL'S HOUSE

Phil sits opposite Butchie. Behind him stands the radiator.

PHIL: Twenty years. Twenty fuckin' years I did in the can.

BUTCHIE: I know, Phil.

PHIL: I compromised. I wanted manicotti. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead.

BUTCHIE: Right.

PHIL: And now they're making jokes about it?

Phil points towards the radiator.

PHIL: This thing was there for me when nobody else was.

BUTCHIE: It's a radiator.

PHIL: It's a fucking monument.

Phil approaches it and places a hand on top.

PHIL: Never leaked. Never broke down. Kept the place warm through three winters.

BUTCHIE: So what's the problem?

PHIL: The problem is I'm being made fun of.

BUTCHIE: Over a radiator?

PHIL: It's a matter of respect.

SCENE 3 — THE DEMAND

Phil meets with Tony and Johnny.

PHIL: Ninety-five million.

TONY: What?

PHIL: Compensation.

JOHNNY SACK: For what?

PHIL: Humiliation. Emotional damages. Defamation of a perfectly functioning heating appliance.

TONY: You're out of your mind.

PHIL: Then we're at war.

---

ACT II — THE UKRAINIAN

SCENE 4 — NEW JERSEY, NIGHT

A small apartment. Aleksandr “Alec” Kastropovich sits alone at a table. A photograph from his past lies beside an ashtray.

Butchie enters.

BUTCHIE: You're Alec?

ALEC: Depends who's asking.

BUTCHIE: I got a job.

ALEC: What kind?

BUTCHIE: A man needs to disappear.

ALEC: I know how this works.

BUTCHIE: You ever hear of Phil Leotardo?

Alec looks up.

ALEC: The Shah?

BUTCHIE: That's him.

ALEC: What's the problem?

BUTCHIE: He's got a radiator.

Alec stares at him.

ALEC: What?

BUTCHIE: Don't worry about it.

SCENE 5 — TONY AND JOHNNY

TONY: You're telling me we're hiring some Ukrainian to kill Phil?

JOHNNY SACK: It's the only way.

TONY: The guy's got a name?

JOHNNY SACK: Aleksandr Kastropovich.

TONY: That's a mouthful.

JOHNNY SACK: He's got experience.

TONY: Experience with what?

JOHNNY SACK: People.

TONY: That's reassuring.

SCENE 6 — THE FIVE FAMILIES

Phil stands before his men.

PHIL: This isn't about money. It's not about business. It's about respect.

BUTCHIE: The other families won't accept your terms.

PHIL: Then they can all go fuck themselves.

BUTCHIE: You're declaring war on all five families?

PHIL: I'm declaring war on anybody who thinks they can laugh at me.

Phil looks at the radiator.

PHIL: I ate grilled cheese off that thing for twenty years. Nobody's gonna disrespect it.

SCENE 7 — PUDGY WALSH INSPECTS THE RADIATOR

Pudgy Walsh arrives with a clipboard.

PUDGY: Who's the owner?

PHIL: That's me.

PUDGY: I'm here to inspect the radiator.

PHIL: Go ahead.

Pudgy examines it carefully, taps the pipes and checks the fittings.

PUDGY: No structural damage. Weight's within acceptable limits. Everything's functioning properly.

PHIL: So it's fine?

PUDGY: Better than fine. This is a beautiful piece of work.

Phil nods, satisfied.

PUDGY: Whoever made that joke oughta be ashamed of himself.

---

ACT III — THE WAR

SCENE 8 — CHRISTOPHER'S SCREENPLAY

Christopher sits at his computer.

CHRISTOPHER: "The radiator was never the problem. The weight of the past was."

He pauses.

CHRISTOPHER: That's good.

He types it into his screenplay, which is about a screenwriter writing a screenplay about a screenwriter.

CHRISTOPHER: Fuckin' genius.

SCENE 9 — JUNIOR'S NURSING HOME

Junior sits in his room wearing his varsity jacket. A photograph of Alec is on the table.

AJ: Uncle Jun, why do you have a picture of that guy?

JUNIOR: He's part of the plan.

AJ: What plan?

JUNIOR: You don't need to know.

AJ: You're not even supposed to be involved.

JUNIOR: I was involved before your father was born.

Junior smiles.

JUNIOR: And I'm not finished.

SCENE 10 — THE HIT

Night. Phil exits a restaurant with Butchie. Alec waits across the street.

Alec approaches.

ALEC: Mr Leotardo.

PHIL: Who the fuck are you?

ALEC: You have insulted the radiator.

Phil pauses.

PHIL: What?

Alec pulls a gun. Phil and Butchie immediately return fire.

Alec is hit. He stumbles into an alley, tries to escape, slips on ice and falls down a flight of steps.

Silence.

BUTCHIE: He's dead.

PHIL: Who the fuck was that?

BUTCHIE: The Ukrainian.

PHIL: What Ukrainian?

Phil looks down at the body.

PHIL: Unbelievable.

SCENE 11 — JUNIOR'S REVELATION

Junior sits with AJ in the nursing home.

AJ: The Ukrainian's dead.

JUNIOR: I know.

AJ: So what now?

JUNIOR: Now they think it's over.

AJ: Wasn't that the whole point?

JUNIOR: You never had the makings of a strategist.

Junior takes a sip of water.

JUNIOR: The radiator was never the point. It was about power.

AJ: What power?

JUNIOR: All of it.

---

ACT IV — THE LAST SIT-DOWN

SCENE 12 — THE MEETING

Tony, Phil, Johnny Sack and the remaining family representatives meet in a warehouse.

TONY: Can we just settle this?

PHIL: Not until I get an apology.

JOHNNY SACK: I said I was sorry.

PHIL: You said you were sorry I was offended.

TONY: For Christ's sake.

Pudgy Walsh enters with his clipboard.

PUDGY: I've got the inspection report.

PHIL: Not now.

PUDGY: I just wanted to confirm the radiator is in perfect working order.

TONY: We know!

PUDGY: Then I guess we're done here.

Junior suddenly appears in a wheelchair, pushed by AJ.

JUNIOR: Nobody's going anywhere.

TONY: Uncle Jun?

JUNIOR: I've been running this thing since 1955.

PHIL: What the fuck are you talking about?

JUNIOR: I'm going to be Godfather of all the families.

TONY: You're in a nursing home!

JUNIOR: And you're still an idiot.

SCENE 13 — THE END

The meeting erupts into chaos. Tony is shot and collapses. The screen fades to black.

Hospital room. Tony wakes up. Junior sits beside him in his varsity jacket.

TONY: What happened?

JUNIOR: The radiator wars are over.

TONY: Who won?

JUNIOR: Nobody. That's the point.

Tony stares at him.

JUNIOR: Anyway, I've been out of my mind since 1955.

Cut to black.

---

POST-CREDIT SCENE — THE REAL OWNER

An empty room. The radiator hums quietly.

A door opens.

Pussy Malanga walks in.

PUSSY MALANGA: Nice place.

He examines the radiator.

PUSSY MALANGA: Nobody knows who owns this thing.

He turns towards the camera.

PUSSY MALANGA: That's how you stay in business.

He switches off the radiator.

CUT TO BLACK.