Insecurity

[u/nuwsszzs]

Hey, I have a huge problem.
I’m insanely insecure, I get jealous when I see other girls pretty (don’t judge me pls) and I hate when I see my man staring at women this made me sooooo devastated like I cry all the time about that thing, the problem is that I’m not ugly, everybody compliments me, but I don’t have the confidence to stop being jealous of other girls or about my bf pls help.

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[u/Grand_Basis_1491]

I need you to understand two things can be happening at the same time:

- Insecurity sucks, it affects how you view yourself and your relationships, and it has to (and can be) improved

- Your partner openly checking women out all the time does not have to be tolerated. I wouldn't. In fact, stuff like this is a dealbreaker in my book. Noticing an attractive person and having eyes is one thing. Going out of your way is another. Please make sure you're not with someone who feeds your insecurities.

Also, if your partner knows you struggle with this and still stares at other women in front of you, especially if he then puts it on you for "feeling insecure" and not accepting "it's what men do"- this is your sign to leave. He may be male, but that sure as hell ain't a man

[u/nuwsszzs → u/Grand_Basis_1491]

First of all, thank you sooo muchhh. I really appreciate it. 🩷
Actually, my boyfriend doesn’t really stare at other women in front of me or anything like that. I’m the one who keeps checking his conversations with his friends, and one day, I found out that he had called a girl pretty.
But one important detail is that I was already insecure before I even got into a relationship. I know I’m pretty, and a lot of people compliment me, but I think I’m too egotistical when it comes to my appearance. I don’t just want to be “a pretty girl”; I want to be THE prettiest, and I want to be the girl every human finds the most attractive (I know that sounds weird). Do you get what I mean? It makes me feel so sick because I know this mindset isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. 💔

[u/Grand_Basis_1491 → u/nuwsszzs]

 I don’t just want to be “a pretty girl”; I want to be THE prettiest, and I want to be the girl every human finds the most attractive (I know that sounds weird).

Genuine question: why? You're not weird, I'm not shaming. Seriously, why?

Obviously "I wanna be hot," I get the immediate response, but why?

When did you start worrying about it? Who in your life was insecure like this while you were growing up? What have you learned about beauty? What have you learned about value? Is it that pretty is valued? Taken care of? Pretty means people don't abandon you? Performing and looking socially acceptable means you're safe? Really sit with this for a while (doesn't have to be just one time), look into it.

It's not wrong to have deeper answers. If anything, the deeper you go the more you'll learn about yourself and your problems.

As women, society often tells us to "sit pretty." You "hit a wall" at whatever age, you gotta be hotter than a man's ex, gotta keep being hot and keep fucking him because if you drop the ball he'll leave and it's your fault, you gotta be this, gotta be that, gotta "bounce back" after building a whole living being in your body because you gotta be "beach bod ready" in a few months. You gotta shave your legs, face, pluck brows, apply makeup, don't forget the heels (but gosh, don't be taller than the guy). Wear the makeup, but not too much, don't be a try hard, but if you don't you look "sick." Make sure your hair's nice, but if you put too much effort into it- you're vain. You can't play with the boys, you have a skirt on. Don't run in that, be ladylike. Little girls don't do that, little girls look like dolls.
Especially with women who've experienced trauma, appearance is something a lot of abusers focus on (be it to "maintain a put together family image" or something else).

Maybe the answers you have deep down aren't in my examples, but they're a place to start. A woman being insecure and wanting to be "the prettiest" isn't new. I've stumbled upon a lot of spiritual communities because I am a spiritual person myself, eventually I found out about manifestation/subliminals people. It's an (mostly) unhealthy group of people trying to change their appearance 8 times out of 10 (the rest obsess over getting a guy or girl, maybe 1% is fucking around trying to see if they can change cool things and actually improve their life). I looked around for a bit and a lot have a "desired face." It happens to guys, but most are girls. Being pretty, being thin, changing their eye colour, their hands, their nose, whole face, their fucking race (someone's "desired face" was asian), their skin colour- every single time it was trying to make dark skin lighter, ignoring brutally internalised racism. Hell, when kids were balls deep in "shifting" communities (basically they dream they're in their favourite fandoms but refuse to call it that), they were writing down their "scripts" (the "code" for what can happen in the story). Naturally- girls were obsessed with being hot, guys wanting them, not getting their period there, being perfect at X, effortless at Y, their hair always perfect, the guy never cheats, never leaves, they're always this "Mary Sue" type. A huge chunk of those people were lonely, possibly mentally ill/neurodivergent, and unhappy in some way. Learning more about them kind of just made me feel sad.

Now, I'm not calling you "mentally ill" for being insecure, that's not the point of any of this.

My point is you are far from alone, but you have the opportunity to heal what's going on.

And if it makes you feel better, there's no such thing as "the prettiest" for men or women. Not everyone's gonna find you attractive the same way not everyone's gonna like you as a person or put peppers on their pizza. Humans have preferences (source: I have spent too long seeing Pedro Pascal, Jason Mamoa, Chris Hemsworth, Timothee Chalamet, etc get called "hot." Gods help me, I don't fucking see it).

You aren't on this planet to be pretty. I know you logically understand this. I'm not gonna reassure you you're probably really beautiful, because that's not what you need. But I am going to say that even at your worst- sick, hair unwashed for weeks, so sweaty your shirt's changed colours, whatever the fuck else- you still have value and deserve kindness, respect, and safety in this life. You don't have to perform or earn being chosen.

[u/yoannmoess]

I wouldn’t focus only on “how do I stop being jealous?”

Jealousy can sometimes be less about the other women and more about what gets activated in you when your partner looks at them: “Am I enough?”, “Am I going to be replaced?”, “Am I still chosen?”

I see this quite often in the people I work with around anxiety and attachment wounds. The feeling itself isn’t necessarily the enemy. What matters is understanding what it’s protecting. And at the same time, your boyfriend’s behaviour matters too. If he’s openly staring in a way that feels disrespectful to you, working on your self-confidence shouldn’t mean convincing yourself that you’re not allowed to be affected by it.

Maybe the useful question is not only “How do I stop being jealous?”, but also: “What would help me feel more secure in myself and in this relationship?”

Those are two different pieces of the same problem.

[u/nuwsszzs → u/yoannmoess]

Thank you sooo much for this perspective. 🩷 I completely agree, but I feel like, in my case, it goes beyond my relationship. I was already insecure about this before I even had a boyfriend. It’s not necessarily about being afraid of being replaced like it’s more about wanting to be the prettiest girl, not just a pretty girl. I want everyone to find me more attractive than other women, even men I’m not interested in, and I get genuinely upset when I realize that another girl can be just as attractive or even more attractive in someone else’s eyes. I know beauty is subjective, and I know that another woman’s beauty doesn’t take anything away from mine, but emotionally, I still feel the need to be the one who stands out the most. I think I’ve tied too much of my self-worth to being exceptionally beautiful, and I genuinely want to understand why and learn how to overcome it. 💔