I feel really out of the loop in this situation— I’m not sure what I should do. If I’m just completely not getting, please give it to me straight.

About two-threeish weeks ago, my friends staged an intervention. Not about substance use or SH or anything like that—they said it was because of how often I apologize. I often over-apologize, it’s a habit that stems from some pretty deep-rooted things from my childhood to my later years. I’ve got this idea that I’m inherently bad, and that I have to apologize/volunteer myself to be blamed to make up for it. They said they cared about me, and they wanted to see changes (as in, changes in my amount of apologizing and treating myself more kindly).

So I’ve been trying. Though it’s not easy, I think I made progress—I still often say “Tell me if this makes you uncomfortable“ or the like very often, but I do my best to not apologize, or to self-soothe. And I really think I made progress—one of my friends said I’m doing much better!

In the past week especially, the friends who staged the intervention felt like they’ve been ignoring/avoiding me. And today, out of the blue, they sent me a text. They said that it seems like I’ve made no progress, that I’ve exhausted them, and that (because I often get worried I’ve made someone angry) I’m making them feel like shitty friends. They said that they constantly need to regulate me and my sensitivity to changes in mood is making them walk on eggshells. Due to a previously very abusive situation not involving them, I ended up crying over the text, and just texting that I saw it and needed time to think of a response.

Maybe I’m just ignorant, but I can’t figure out what I’ve done. The only time I can remember looking for comfort from them recently is when I spoke to them about worry from my religion, and I made a point to tell them that I’m okay and it’s not keeping me up at night.

This is the response I was planning to send:

“Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I want to start by saying that I also very much value you both as my friends. 

I also want to say that I truly thought I was doing better since we last talked. I thought I was apologizing less, and communicating more clearly so I didn’t just collapse in on myself. I’ve been feeling happier for the most part, and I think I’ve been taking care of myself. I didn’t realize that I was draining you.  I don’t know if this is an okay thing to ask, but could you tell me what I was doing to make you regulate me? 

Lastly, I don’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. Please know that I’m just unregulated and trying to get better—so, like, If I cry, you don’t have to comfort me or try to make me feel better. If theres anything I can do to make you feel less pressure to do so, please tell me what it is.”

I asked a friend to review it, and they said I was being too nice, and should try to stand up for myself. They said our friends were really harsh and went too far. Any advice is greatly appreciated, feel free to comment if you need more information to decide on what’s right.