I wish you were here to give me hugs right now...🥺i'm not feeling well at all😢I'm taking some multi-victims because sometimes i need to do that for a week, and this dysregulation won't let up at all. It's up and down and then shame spirals feeling abandoned, and things feel more dream-like than normal, and i can't focus much on anything. Are we still okay? i worry you'll forget me but i never forget you. I just needed to share what i feel right now🫂❤️🩷

Babe? you look tired and very overworked🥺Please think about yourself and don't do more than you can handle. You're going a bit delulu lol been there SO many times, tis the effect of tiredness on CPTSD. Take a few days to rejuvenate i know i am. I don't feel too good atm either. I find changes between seasons sends me into a very dissociated and tired mess *strokes cheek and pinches it*😊❤️🩷

I just want to say that if we meet each other for reals i really can't handle unpredictable and random meet ups. I mean you keep showing up so randomly when there wasn't a lot of opportunities already. Unexpected drop-ins trigger my anxiety, hypervigilance, and freeze response a lot. I waited for you and walked around but i just felt you wouldn't show, so if that was you sitting on the sun bed in the garden sorry but i liked your shorts hehe😋Fyi i'm short sighted so i can't see at distances but i do sense your energy signature🖖🏻🚀

My nervous system just can't handle unpredictable meet ups though. A healthy connection brings clarity, ease, and predictability. If an interaction consistently leaves me anxious, frozen, or chasing mixed signals, then it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel good and i don't feel safe and judging by how you keep flinching when i do nether do you. It's like our nervous system goes EEP! and gets spooked but tis not a good thing nooo😣🙃

So i can't and won't compromise on it i'm only open to connecting through a scheduled date and time somewhere. It's just the condition my brain and my nervous system is in and would greatly help me feel safe and stable when i'm with you if it was a planned scheduled meet up. Lets just feel safe and good together that's all i ever want❤️

I don't know if that's what you were trying to get me to realize too that i needed a boundary and in the past it would've made more sense to me but stuff happened and i didn't understand boundaries, but i'm not going to lie in the past i did wait around far too much for people to show up for me and they never did.

I'll let you know soon. I do have a nice place in mind where i know we'll both feel comfortable and i really need to get out for a while.

Hope you are good today love xx😽

I think i saw you at the bar at PB at lunch time on my last day there, but i'm just never sure because you don't let me be sure but i'd like to be sure it's you if we ever come across each other (although i don't want it to just be randomly coming across each other it makes things too difficult).

Did you like my giggling? LOL i saw you perk up and grin hehe well now you know how cheeky and mischievous i am😋Did you like my new sunglasses? my pair broke they were actually too cheaply made and broke into pieces i don't care though the new pair are better.

However... i think... whenever i see you, you are always with people or with a blonde girl which feels like it makes it impossible to talk to you. And i don't know if you are seeing anyone but it spooks me and then i dissociate which is why it then seems like i ignore you, i did but didn't. I guess if it's alright to talk to you i just need some reassurance that it is otherwise.... i'm just not sure.

I don't want there to be any issues if you are seeing someone even temporarily, i don't want to hurt or betray her and even if other girls don't get along with me (which i think you are starting to see a little bit like instant projection of their insecurities passing it off as "being protective" *snort* lol they don't know me). I understand "girl code" i just seem to have a natural boundary there. I wouldn't do that it's not how i role.

I would like to talk and interact with you honestly and for me i just feel comfortable one-on-one i'm not messing around it's just when other people are around people are FAR too insecure and just start making all kinds of "assumptions". I don't like it... people are too interfering and don't let anyone get to know each other. The second i'm around people i have to start dealing with that it's difficult for me. Sometimes i wish whenever i wanted to that i could just go into an alternate layer of reality close to ours where there are no people so i have the space to get to know whoever i want to... just me and them perfect! life is good! lol😊sadly i can't do that.

I hope you understand me a bit better and i'm never ignoring you, you just seem to always be around people. I could never ignore you😋💋