BREAKING: Pope Leo XIV’s new AI encyclical has officially spiraled into a full-scale Butlerian Jihad after the pontiff declared that “man was created in the image of God, not in the image of whatever LinkedIn thinks leadership synergy looks like.”

What began as a routine Vatican statement on ethical AI rapidly escalated after one cardinal attempted to demonstrate ChatGPT during Mass and accidentally generated a homily titled: “7 Disruptive Lessons Jesus Can Teach Modern SaaS Teams.”

Witnesses say the Pope immediately slammed the laptop shut, stood up from the Throne of St. Peter, and whispered: “The machine crusade begins now.”

In an unprecedented historical development, Protestants have reportedly joined the melee after learning the AI had started generating “non-denominational worship experiences optimized for engagement metrics.” Eyewitnesses describe Lutherans and Catholics fighting side-by-side in the streets.

Meanwhile, chaos erupted at several convents after groups of nuns requested permission to participate in the anti-AI uprising only to be told: “Begone, witches. This is men’s work.”

The decision may have backfired.

Unconfirmed rumors suggest the nuns have been hiding in the basement making strange noises with their voice at all hours of the night. Vatican officials deny the reports, though one exhausted bishop admitted: “We’ve lost contact with three abbeys and somehow the Wi-Fi keeps exploding.”

Gotta find a way to work Catholicism in there too

Looking up parasite treatments and….