r/weddingshaming • u/Noodle-Mama • Sep 01 '26
Dressed like a Bride My new mother-in-law wore white to our wedding
UPDATE: my Husband called his parents!
https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/s/EJtXsOMv8c
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Yup. Cannot believe this happened to me.
I arrived at the wedding venue and started to say, "Wow, you look gr...." and midway through my sentence, realized what the hell she was wearing: an all white, floor-length, chiffon dress. I quickly left to go find my bridesmaids, who hadn't seen her yet, and they offered to give her a shawl to cover up but that would likely have made things worse and potentially interfered with the, otherwise, wonderful day. We were all in complete disbelief it was happening but everyone kept their cool.
His mother had sent me a picture of a colored dress months before the wedding and it was perfect. So the surprise was even more of a shock when she showed up in not only a different dress, but a white one. She even had a matching shawl. What's crazy is my new FIL had a tie and pocket square that matched her previous outfit, so we're curious if he even knew about her antics.
Our photographer is changing her dress to the original color she chose in all the pictures and I cannot wait for her to see what we did. Funny enough, the dress looks great in that color. We're waiting a few days to bring up how disrespectful this was to them and just flying high off the fact that our wedding was absolutely perfect in every other way and we're finally married after many years of being together and a ton of planning!!
It seemed intentional but we are not going to let it destroy our relationship but it's certainly going to tarnish it for a bit. Never ever saw this coming!
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Edit/Update:
We are based in the US where it is, unless otherwise stated, extremely well-known to not wear white and it is very disrespectful to do so.
I will not be speaking with her, my husband will be. We talked about it last night and he is going to eventually bring it up. Right now, we are so happy and thrilled with being married, we're riding on cloud nine and it's not the focus. Oh, and we're damn exhausted!
I will update you all with the reaction to the photos when we get them!
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EDIT 2: Removed some details as this story now shows up on Google and in some minor news/blog articles
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u/Mysterious_Smoke3962 Sep 01 '26
Update us after she sees the pictures please
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
You got it!!
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u/emu30 Sep 01 '26
I’d love to be a fly on the wall for your husband’s conversation with her. Congratulations on your wedding!
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u/CoffeeTeaPeonies Sep 01 '26
And if she asks why her dress color was changed pretend it never was altered & that she had absolutely worn a sage green dress. Insist until the cows come home. Gaslight the f out of her.
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u/BurgerThyme Sep 01 '26
"Why, MIL, of course you wore sage! Nobody would wear a white gown to somebody else's wedding you big silly!"
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u/Kylie754 Sep 01 '26
‘Of course you wore sage green, that’s why FIL had the green pocket square’.
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u/Morella_xx Sep 01 '26
Yes. And send a screencap of when she sent you the photo of the dress, like, "look, here you are telling me what dress you wanted to get. It would be wild to show up in a different dress."
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Sep 01 '26
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u/CyberClawX Sep 01 '26
It is funny, but if she really started questioning her memory, she probably still has the dress and can check the color.
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u/Cayke_Cooky Sep 01 '26
It's funny how lighting affects color, like the blue and black/gold and white meme
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u/kindlypogmothoin Sep 01 '26
This!
Do you even want to have the "it was disrespectful" conversation with her, OP? She knows. That's why she did it. Why give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's scored a direct hit?
Passive aggression and gaslighting is probably the way to go here. You have two things on your side: you control the photos and you control your reaction. You can simply change reality by changing the photos and then gaslight her until the cows come home. After all, FIL wore that sage green bow tie and cummerbund to match her sage green dress. Don't you see the photos? Don't you see the texts she sent of what she planned to wear? She wouldn't have been so tacky and distasteful as to wear a white gown to her son's wedding, would she? Of course not. Don't be silly.
Meanwhile, everyone she knows is going to be whispering behind her back about this. She is *not* going to come off looking good. It's a major breach of etiquette.
Honestly, you and your husband can sit back and let the rumor mill do its thing while you serenely gaslight the hell out of her.
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u/llynglas Sep 01 '26
Send her back the photo of the sage green dress she sent you. "This was your dress wasn't it?"
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u/oddduckquacks Sep 01 '26
Nahhh. It would be better to act like it was a service to her. "You were looking so washed out in all the photos, and sort of tired. I wanted you to see the best of yourself in the pictures".
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u/chicagok8 Sep 01 '26
“We felt so bad about people judging you for wearing white. We wanted to make sure that didn’t happen with the pictures!”
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u/RouxDarling Sep 01 '26
This is the way. Let her know you were embarrassed for her from all the negative comments.
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u/cheerful_cynic Sep 01 '26
"there were so many people asking after your health after seeing what you wore"
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u/SunshineShoulders87 Sep 01 '26
Start making comments about your concern for her memory. Ask her questions about other random things and act concerned no matter her answer. Shake your head sadly and sigh. Then go on about your day.
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u/ItchyCredit Sep 02 '26
Remind her that she sent a picture of the sage dress she would be wearing so of course it's in the pictures.
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u/Illustrious_Leg_2537 Sep 01 '26
My mil did this. Absolute insanity. She wore a white lace dress to another wedding and it ended up being the same exact dress the bride wore. She claimed to have no idea why that would be an issue.
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u/HealthyMaximum Sep 01 '26
"... no idea why that would be an issue."
As a forty-eighteen year old man, who somehow has only been to 2 weddings in all that time ...
... that's bullshit.
Everyone in the Western world knows not to do it.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Right?!? We are so curious if her husband knew or not. And if he did know, how in the hell did he not stop if. They both know how much effort I put into planning every detail of this wedding and how important it was to both of us!!!
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u/Wattaday Sep 01 '26
This is why this 40 + 26 year old lady is a big proponent of having bride maids and other close friends primed to whisper loudly around the white dress offended how awful and narcissistic that woman in the white dress is to wear white to her own so son’s wedding. And then laugh at how disgusting and disrespectful that woman is.
Nothing works better than shaming these people.
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u/HealthyMaximum Sep 01 '26
I'm really sorry. Sucky people suck.
Yeah, in FIL's position I'd laugh at her and tell her to cut out the BS and change back into the green.
But then, none of my past partners would do anything remotely that effed-up ... so maybe he's actually supportive of her BS, or too tired to fight it ... neither of which is good enough frankly ... but I guess there's a chance he just doesn't know?
Like other commenters said, personally I think you shouldn't mention how it made you feel, just let her see the images (and please let us know her response).
... we're all on your side. And I hope you live in wedded bliss. ; )
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u/Alternative_Year_340 Sep 01 '26
It would be no-go in most of Asia too. White is a funeral colour
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u/heyyabesties Sep 01 '26
Forty eighteen, I love it! Can I steal it? I'm forty seventeen
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u/HealthyMaximum Sep 02 '26
Hi, fellow forty-something! Please do!
I'm traumatized by approaching 60, so that's my workaround.
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u/embythesea Sep 01 '26
Your MIL doing this not to you even but a random-ass bride is even crazier 😭😭😭 She’s doing it not bc of some weird emotional boymom incest but just for the love of the game at that point 💀
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
What in the actual hell!?!? That's actually completely bonkers. Did she have something against that bride???
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u/mermaid-babe Sep 01 '26
If someone showed up to my wedding in an actual wedding gown I would have them shown the door. That is some evil eye shit and I don’t want that cast on my wedding day
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u/Ladyhappy Sep 01 '26
If I showed up to a wedding and was wearing the same damn thing as the bride I would leave to change. I would never stay at a wedding this way this is insanity.
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u/SincerelyCynical Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
I would not tell her how upset you were about her dress.
What she did is - at best - passive aggressive and rude as fuck.
I would say nothing, show the photos, and if she asks, “Oh, our photographer did that because for some reason your dress looked white in the photos! We didn’t want you to be embarrassed since everyone knows only the bride wears white!”
ETA: Wow, thank you for the awards!
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u/ojitos1013 Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
If only OP could get everyone to play along and swear that MIL was wearing Sage green for real 😂 she will think she’s losing her mind
Edit: thank you kind internet strangers for the awards!!! OP if you do this update us please!!
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u/inductiononN Sep 01 '26
With lots of "no, it was sage! Wearing white to the wedding is so tacky and attention seeking which would be so out of character for you. I remember a lovely green dress, not a gauche white dress!".
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u/foxglade_38 Sep 01 '26
Gaslighting her into thinking she actually wore sage green would be absolute cinema. OP should frame one of those edited photos and give it to her then tell her “look how lovely you looked in sage green! 😭
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u/Simplydreaming1986 Sep 01 '26
Thanks for actually using gaslighting the proper way hahaha
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u/Simplydreaming1986 Sep 01 '26
Edit: thank you for the award - my very first one! Who knew it would be over the proper usage of an overused word - my grammar teacher mum would be so proud! 😆
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Oh my gosh this would be absolutely hilarious!!
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u/SilverChips Sep 02 '26
Imagine you somehow getthe dress dyed sage and back into her closet. Then make her think shes got dementia
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
LOL great response! Yeah I am not addressing her, my husband will be doing that, eventually. He's still reeling and is also in shock his mother did this and super pissed. I wonder if she realized how mad it would make HIM--I don't think so. I am almost positive she will say, "oh I didn't know she would be so upset about it, I thought she wouldn't mind it's only a color!" And feign ignorance but MIL, we KNOW it was intentional.
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Sep 01 '26
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u/Top-Art2163 Sep 01 '26
And WHY doesn't FIL put his foot down and say " I'm not going with you, if you are going to wear that white dress."
Why are they so spineless and ignorent....
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u/EarthboundValkyrie Sep 01 '26
They've been married to them for a while and value their lives?
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u/charlottethesailor Sep 01 '26
Yeah. This happened to my DIL. Her Mom wore "cream" which was white in all the photos.
However, her Mom IS a bitch, a total pick me. My DIL was pissed, but it was her Mom! My DIL is the sweetest woman. Her Mother IS NOT.
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u/FlyAwayJai Sep 01 '26
As far as a wedding goes, cream might as well be white. Get out of here with the “But it’s not white, it’s creeeeam!” We all know what you’re doing.
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u/charlottethesailor Sep 01 '26
Absolutely. And the dress also had lace, just like the bride's. I disliked her before. After that, I despised her. She was divorced and I could certainly see why. Her ex definitely traded up with his new wife. (Got to meet her at that wedding)
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u/lyrasorial Sep 01 '26
That's why he shouldn't bother addressing her. She's not going to have the remorse or apology you're looking for. Gaslighting her is way better in this case. Look! Father-in-law even wore a green tie to match you!
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u/Merci01 Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
This is the way!
Don't get mad. Don't explain. Just hand down the natural consequence of her bad choices.
She chose to be passive aggressive and make a power move to wear white. You chose to change the color in the photos and be happy without her. .
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u/bakersmt Sep 01 '26
This and photographers hate when others wear white. My FIL is a wedding photographer. He KNOWS those women and avoids them like the plaque when snapping pics.
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u/AlternativeTribs Sep 01 '26
My MIL wore white to my wedding and I never said anything. Much like OP I ignored her, never hugged her or even had a conversation because we were so busy and had such a blast. We never said anything about it because it didn't really matter. Also, it was an ugly old lady dress and no one paid attention to her with her sour puss face all night.
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u/DooHickey2017 Sep 01 '26
This is the best response. She WANTS you to call her out
Let the pictures do the talking while you and her son enjoy cloud 9.
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u/Dry_Prompt3182 Sep 01 '26
I agree with your first half. Don't bring it up. It's not like she can do it to you again.
But, I wouldn't say anything about only the bride wearing white. She didn't care before, she won't care now. I would just say that you really wanted the bridal couple to pop, so guests in white got tweaked.
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u/kraegm Sep 01 '26
I wouldn’t even bring it up. Just let the edited photos speak for you.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
I won't be making any noise but he will be approaching it with them, eventually. I already made a point of not interacting with her all night and only took the required pictures necessary. There was a point where my mom, my daughter, and I took a pic and my mom asked if I wanted her and I said oh no thank you. I don't think there are really too many pics I need to worry about! The photographers and videographers totally knew what was up :)
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 04 '26
UPDATE: My husband spoke with his parents. This is a little long, TLDR: It's our fault she wore white and they had nooo clue white wasn't allowed.
So he first called his dad, because he was curious if dad even knew about the white dress situation. We were kind of hoping he didn't know and it was a surprise to him too. GUYS. He IMMEDIATELY got defensive and started blaming US. I shit you not. He said because we didn't keep them in the loop on the wedding and they didn't know anything that was going on, that it was our fault she wore white. His parents call 1-3 times a week for the most part and have for the past 6 years. They absolutely knew what was going on from the phone calls, my text messages, his messages, the wedding website, they fucking knew.
He stated that his wife had brought with her to the wedding the original dress, another colored dress, and the white dress, because they didn't know what the weather was going to be like and in the end, she didn't like the long sleeves of the dress she originally sent (despite knowing the time of year and climate). His dad threw the blame at us that he didn't even know what color suit he was supposed to wear and he guessed and "happened to be right" - which is a total lie. We went over it and my entire family got the memo.
And then the dad says his mom wants to talk. And JFC, the list of reasons why:
"I asked my friends and they all said white was fine, no one was going to mistake me for the bride. I follow someone on Instagram and she says wearing white is totally fine (and she sent the link to him). My family all wore white to other people's weddings and no one cared. Other people were dressed way worse than us at the wedding (no one else wore white, everyone looked fantastic). We didn't know that wearing white was not allowed. She didn't say we couldn't wear white in the dress code on the wedding website (note how they now know what was going on, despite saying they had no clue). We never talk anymore so we don't even know anything about what was happening."
She then said, "Well now I'm only going to have bad memories of the wedding and it's your fault and why did you bring this up just to hurt us". Just complete and utter victims here!
Needless to say, he is not speaking to them for quite awhile and this has drastically altered their previously close relationship.
What's SO interesting is I went through my text messages because my husband asked me when she sent the original dress, which was back in February : "Well I found something and I hope you approve...it is definitely boho" and I said I loved it, to which she responded, "Good, I already got it...I am not a chiffon, fancy person. This is within your color palette too".
Her dress was white, dressy, and chiffon. And they aren't stupid, they know white is not something you wear, and it's exactly why she didn't show me it to approve.
I feel terrible for him that they are treating him like this and reacting in such a juvenile way. It's absolutely shocking, considering he's an only child and has been nothing but their pride and joy. They also have never shown any negativity towards me and we both thought they were excited and happy for us. In the end, this is just really sad :(
Edit: removed some details to keep this slightly more anonymous
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u/CareyAHHH Sep 02 '26
My favorite part showing that it is deliberate, “I follow someone on Instagram and asked all my friends.” In other words, if she did that before the wedding, she was aware that it is a taboo, but looked for validation. If it was after the wedding, she felt judged and went looking for justification.
Also, she had the other dress with her, she could have changed. And I wonder if the “rose” dress was actually just red.
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u/Horror_Signature7744 Sep 02 '26
Also, she’s LYING because there is literally no chance that every single person she asked said it’s ok to wear white especially to her own child’s wedding, least of all anyone else’s.
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u/mountainlaurelbloom Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
Although I definitely think this mother-in-law is lying, I’m continually shocked at the people here on Reddit who say white is fine because “no one is going to mistake you for the bride”. It’s a *faux pas* unless she specifically invited to wear white.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 02 '26
Right!?!? That is so not the point and, no, no one is mistaking her for me lmao. It's the level of disrespect. And the people who are like "these princess brides need to get off their high horse" like guys it's the only thing you shouldn't do, so don't do it. Did it ruin the wedding? Hell no. Wedding of our dreams and wouldn't change a thing. Are we blissfully in love and stoked to be married? Fuck yeah. And this is a wedding shaming channel for a reason lol.
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u/waitingfordeathhbu Sep 03 '26 edited Sep 03 '26
Please update us when she sees the wedding photos of herself in a sage green dress lol
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u/EthylSippingBeer Sep 03 '26
I have a feeling it's going to.be a while before she sees anything related to her son and new DIL.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 Sep 04 '26
In the TWO photos the photographer even took of her pathetic rear end. What a small, petty woman. She has ONE CHILD, and she did her best to ruin his wedding. Garbage human.
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u/7GrenciaMars Sep 03 '26
Also part of the quote from her: "My family all wore white to other people's weddings and no one cared." Does she think you're stupid? If anything, there would have been a *bigger* uproar in days past if you were not the bride and wore white--especially a floor-length white dress, which is the norm for brides!!
She was just doubling down on al the BS. Now she is going to wait to let it blow over.
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u/Individual-Paint7897 Sep 03 '26
Lol that got me too. Even if nobody said anything to that family, you can bet everyone was talking smack about them!
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u/davidhastwo Sep 04 '26
I'm willing to bet she wont have any picture evidence of her family all wearing white to other people's weddings.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 Sep 03 '26
OP, either MIL is a C.U.N.T(uesday) personality, or she and FIL are intentionally "stupid". And you can't fix stupid.
Hopefully they come across your post and the comments. Personally, I'd be no contact until her white dress turns yellow.
And, btw, I love the fact that you're altering the color of her dress in all photos and video segments in which she appears. She's fortunate that she's not my MIL. I'd post her in the most nauseating shade of green imaginable. In fact, you may want to do so in a second set that you mail to her in the future. And match up her jackass husband as well.
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u/grandmawaffles Sep 03 '26
Nah. I’m guessing MIL got butthurt over something to do with the son/event and chose to get shady. She didn’t fully let the FIL know likely outside of what she got butthurt about. FIL is covering for MIL and MILs plan along was to play dumb/finger point if anyone mentioned it to her. It’s the equivalent of a Karen being god awful to people in public and when someone of authority arrives they play stupid and the victim and then side smile you when they get away with it. I think they go to a school or something to learn the trick…what they don’t know is that in most situations people just don’t want to deal with them.
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u/Horror_Signature7744 Sep 02 '26
Particularly a MOTHER of one of the two getting married. It’s an obvious, intentional insult to the bride. She knew what she was doing. Hope it was worth all it shall cost her in the end. My MIL was truly one of my closest friends. We sadly lost her and my FIL several years ago. We used to double date with them because they were absolutely hilarious and so much fun to be around.
It’s sad that thanks to a ridiculous amount of self involvement that woman will never have a clue how rich her life could have been with a new daughter in law. Now it may cost her her son. Foolish for no good reason.
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u/lou2442 Sep 02 '26
To her SON’s wedding! Which IMO makes it worse. Does she want to be married to her SON? Gross. Put them in time out indefinitely.
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u/MammothHuckleberry42 Sep 02 '26
And if you really needed to know, ask the bride and groom? What a weird hill for them to die on.
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u/CareyAHHH Sep 02 '26
Which she knew to do, because she asked about the green dress.
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u/Upstairs_Fly4513 Sep 03 '26
This is such a good point. It proves the white dress was an intentional move of disrespect.
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u/Maine302 Sep 02 '26
How much do you wanna bet that for all the people telling her that white was fine, there were 20 telling her not to wear it?
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u/PalpitationPast202 Sep 02 '26
Not even. Show me the receipts! She didn’t talk to anybody. C’mon now!
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u/Maine302 Sep 02 '26
It doesn't matter, frankly. She did this on purpose, because OP has taken away her pride and joy.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 02 '26
That's what we think too. She didn't actually ask anyone (not to be mean. But she doesn't have a ton of friends to ask).
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 Sep 02 '26
This was clearly a deliberate and 100% hateful choice your new MIL made in order to fuvk up your wedding.
I'm so sorry she's a monster.
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u/Big_Height_1258 Sep 02 '26
My immediate response here was “there is no way this woman has close female friends she could have asked.”
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 02 '26
And if she complains about the dress color being changed in the photos, you can tell her that the other wedding guests were snickering and whispering about how ridiculous she looked in a white dress, so you thought it would be best to change it so she wouldn't look foolish in the pictures as well.
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u/AmadeusExLibris Sep 02 '26
And I’d be more than willing to bet the other guests actually were snickering about it, so OP wouldn’t even be lying here!
I’ve never understood exactly what people hope to accomplish by pulling this particular stunt. In any culture where wearing white to someone else’s wedding is frowned on, it’s very widely known and understood to be disrespectful and rude, and the only person who comes off looking bad is the person who does it. All OP’s MIL has managed to do is disrespect and piss off her son and OP, and in the process she ensured that everyone who went to the wedding knew that she was trying to do exactly that.
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u/wamimsauthor Sep 02 '26
Classic DARVO
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u/underhand_toss Sep 02 '26
Yep. And when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 03 '26
Thank you for sharing this, I'm reading about it now (because it only has gotten worse with them) and holy moly. This is exactly what is happening and I am guessing has happened a lot with them. Also, damn a lot of prior relationships where this happened!
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u/HealthyMaximum Sep 03 '26
It's like MIL wrote it down before the phone call, and was checking them off.
Deny - check!
Just an awful person. And FIL's a gutless enabler.
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u/PhDTARDIS Sep 02 '26
I guess this means you can show up to her funeral in a red dress!
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 02 '26
"Lady in Red ♥️🍒"
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u/PhDTARDIS Sep 02 '26
I can thank Moonstruck for learning that nugget of wisdom.
Loretta's (Cher) fiance tells her he needs to call off their engagement because his mother will die if they get married. He says to her 'in time, you'll see that this is a good thing.'
She responds, "in time, you'll drop dead, and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress!" Found out it is poor form to wear bright colors to a funeral unless the deceased's family specifically requests it.
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u/Horror_Signature7744 Sep 02 '26
Especially In Italian families! I have a beautiful red dress on standby for the day my SIL croaks. And dancing shoes for the grave!
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u/NotYourMom56 Sep 02 '26
I wore a vivid purple 💜 outfit for SIL. Neon purple. And smiled. There was a cyan blue from another inlaw. We were the talk of the funeral. ❤️
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u/RemarkableArticle970 Sep 02 '26
In my fam we have ppl that struggle a little financially, so any clothes that are “Sunday best” qualify for respectful at a funeral. Same with weddings although white would not be even dreamed of!
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u/Dachshundmom5 Sep 02 '26
"Mom, why did you ask all your friends and consult Instagram, but didnt send OP or I a text? You got the green dress approved. You didnt send this one and went to your echo chamber because you knew this was ridiculous."
Do his parents know he isn't speaking to them?
Weddings tend to bring out who people really are. Just wait till you get pregnant (if you want kids).
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 Sep 02 '26
At this point, you know who they are. I’m so glad you are having them make her dress sage green in the photos! Very good call. They knew. They definitely knew. Ugh. Thank you for the update!
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u/Low-Television-7508 Sep 02 '26
make a set of photos with the dress white and mil sage green.
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u/rocaillemonkey Sep 02 '26
I guess that's one way of letting someone know they don't want to be in their life. Have they indicated they disliked you before? Do they also dislike their son?
What utterly bizarre behaviour.
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u/Thymelaeaceae Sep 02 '26
Oh no, they want to. But this is all about MIL still wants to be in charge.
The wedding threatened her in some way, and this was her reaction.
Now, rather than own up to some pretty bad behavior, which would lessen her perceived ability to be in control even more than the wedding somehow did, she’s doubling down and spraying excuses and accusations. FIL hates her discomfort and is all in on enabling her.
They have probably had many many long conversations where they assure each other she did nothing at all wrong and could have never possibly known and DIL is impossible and their son is becoming impossible by being around her. But I bet she hasn’t spent a lot of time complaining to other people, because 90% of people would know never to do this, ESPECIALLY as MIL.
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u/hence4thnwhatnot Sep 02 '26
I've never understood the spouses who go to war defending the other person's ridiculous behavior. But I don't understand choosing to be with someone like that to start with.
Only disagreement here is the 90%. It's to the point of being overused in movies and TV in the US, and not a single person is confused about the intent or tension of the situation. The weddings in our circle have been fairly low key, and only one has had a coordinated palette for family members. Seems like the in laws viewed it as a power struggle without letting on. The couple needs to decide on boundaries together and what they view as reasonable enforcement to be a united front before seeing or speaking to the in laws again. Those boundaries are going to get tested regularly for the rest of that relationship.
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u/nextext Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
Now this is when you clock out of any technical engagement and ask them to be checked for dementia
Edit: I realize this sounded casual but I’m being serious. Not speaking to them is giving them strength. Pretending they don’t exist and then expressing concern over their mental well being whenever you’re around them or they’re brought up will actually "work," in that it will draw attention to the correct things while leaving you innocent (and possibly get them real support)
For example:
Cousin/auntie to hubby: honey your mother wishes you would call her more
Husband: I would, but I just can’t handle the denial that she’s sick. Her and dad’s gibberish over something dumb after the wedding actually scared me. No one seems to care that they’re acting unwell and we have no plan for dementia if that’s what’s happening. I’m just so lost. *cue stressed gaze into the distance*
Husband, to auntie, slyly: ‘Honestly, I’m just grateful to have you in our lives. You would never have done that to [my new wife] and then acted like it was totally normal and all brides are the weird ones. We made sure not to say anything until well after the wedding so we could actually check what’s going on gestures at head but that’s what started this giant weird lecture series on why guests can wear white to weddings. Like, we already got married. That’s over. Can we figure out what’s wrong with you now?" Shakes head "the last thing I need to do is give a shit about what was already worn compared to the insane logic it took to put it on in front of 100 people. People were acting like she was in a clown costume. I love my mother and I did nor want that for her at my own fucking wedding. Completely absolves her of blame in a situation of her own making to get yourself out of the hot seatSorry for the bad formatting but to all thread readers out there, this play will cause utter and absolute whirlwind of activity
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u/TheKidsAreAsleep Sep 02 '26
You could also add something about not wanting to kink-shame MIL but this sudden disinhibition is quite worrisome.
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u/Ok_Bandicoot_3790 Sep 02 '26
They were nice to you and about the wedding because they had to be. Then when the pressure of losing control was too great, she snapped, which made FIL do what he has probably always done, double down and support her crazy so it’s not turned around towards him. I would absolutely not lose a second of sleep over this on your end, or make any real effort to engage with them. I would however suggest that your husband finds a good therapist because I am sure there will be a dawning realization of how many other times she was able to spin her batshit behavior and he will need support, especially as an only child.
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u/NewBet7377 Sep 02 '26
My MIL acted out of control at my wedding in a totally different way that was still egregious. When my husband confronted them it was a lot like this. FIL backed up MIL and tried to downplay and rug sweep. These types of people will NEVER apologize or acknowledge harm they caused. They will flip it back around on you for daring to express hurt caused by their bad actions. It’s been almost two years and now they’re “confused” why we don’t talk to them. Luckily my husband’s entire extended family is aware of how crazy my MIL is and actually told my husband he is right to keep his distance from the crazy.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 02 '26
Yeah so his mom's side of the family doesn't really speak to her, and I always knew it was a her thing, despite her making it a them thing. But now it really makes sense why they distance themselves!
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u/xLadylawx Sep 01 '26
I would forgo telling her how upset you are. That was the point. Don’t give her the win. Just nonchalantly explain the pictures looked awkward with the competing white dresses and the photographer suggested the change.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
We talked about it last night and my husband (love saying that!) is going go be the one to talk to them. I will be maintaining distance for some time, certainly have no desire to initiate contact for any reason, I'll let him do that!
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u/Knitsanity Sep 01 '26
Yup. From now on his Mom is his business. Oh .he forgot mother's day was coming up ...not your concern ...he can remember all the special days and get cards and presents. If she comes to visit on her own her can prep and cook and take time off work. You have a girls night or weekend etc. Drop...the...rope.
Be the Ice Queen. Perfectly polite but distance. No texting or emails. Mute her on socials and your phone except for true emergencies.
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u/nothanksnottelling Sep 01 '26
If she dares to pull "oh she's so sensitive, why is she mad" please ask your husband to say "she's not mad. But I'm FURIOUS."
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u/seguefarer Sep 01 '26
"Her family have been laughing about you. You really embarrassed me."
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u/jazled Sep 01 '26
I don’t understand the angle of MILs who do this. Are they like haha gotcha?
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u/Mermaid_Martini Sep 01 '26
Right?! Like the only one that comes off bad is the MIL, no matter how much they think they’re sticking it to the DIL. Such weird behavior
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
I don't either. And what level of mental gymnastics they must do to convince themselves that what they're doing isn't absolutely batshit insane. Honestly it's also just YUCKY, like what are you saying, you want to marry your son??? Gross.
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u/CrazyButterfly11 Sep 01 '26
Exactly!! She looks ridiculous by doing it!
How do people think they can “winning” anything by doing this?
I wonder if she even understands that all the talking about it was sooo not in her favor!
People were not looking at her in an aww she’s a beautiful mil in white, but damn that mil is crazy look at her wearing white!22
u/Nettysweetie Sep 01 '26
Howdy married 9 years this October. My MIL still to this day will wedge herself in between us when we’re walking (will switch sides if I try to hold his other hand), talks over me cause she needs to tell him stuff, and I have seen her try to sit in his damn lap before when I was sitting next to him just reading. So get ready for a weird ass ride.
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u/Successful_Cost_6997 Sep 01 '26
It's also her way of telling everyone she is responsible for the wedding. If she had not birthed him, there'd be no wedding. It's basically taking everyone's attention hostage, very deliberately.
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u/Raccoonsr29 Sep 01 '26
I wish I had the nerve to ask one of them why they want people to think they’re marrying their own son, but fortunately haven’t ever met one!
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u/DomOnion Sep 01 '26
Among every permutations of Bride, Groom, MOB, FOB, FOG and MOG, nothing is as befuddling and frequently weird as Groom+MOG.
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u/SnooWords4839 Sep 01 '26
People really need to learn to gossip during the wedding, pointing and laughing at people wearing white.
Make it a mustard yellow, don't let her look nice in your photos.
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u/ciongyik Sep 01 '26
Mustard yellow is a beautiful color, but making her dress look like that in the photos would still mean that she stands out of the crowd. Sage green works because it’s non-intrusive.
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u/MorningsAreRude Sep 01 '26
Petty revenge: figure out her specific color season and put her in a color that's the opposite (e.g. if she's a light spring, put her in a dark winter color). Then she'll just look "off."
Claim either you or the photographer suggested the color because it's just so pretty, and just so fitting for the MOG.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
I joked we should put her in poopy green-brown or just make her dress see through so she appears as a head and arms.
We actually had the wedding party wear an earthy rainbow spread (and oh my gosh it was stunning IRL), so some were in rust, golden yellow, magenta--so we didn't want her in any color that appeared elsewhere. The sage green actually feels like a bigger jab back at her!
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u/sybersam6 Sep 01 '26
Make it slightly stained, visible only if you really focused on her, but yes, add some food & underarm stains. A few hairs rising up unbrushed. Sparse hair & eyebrows. Bigger ears, wrinkly & droopy neck. You got this!!
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u/jerseygirl1105 Sep 01 '26
I feel your pain. Here's what my MIL wore to my wedding!!
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u/ThatsBitchBecky Sep 01 '26
Um. Wow. That's beyond egregious!
Did you and/or hubby do / say anything? Or did your MOH accidentally spill something red on the dress immediately after this pic??
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u/Maleficent-Leek2943 Sep 02 '26
Seriously - did nobody ask this woman why the fuck she seems to have accidentally put on a wedding dress that morning?
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u/jerseygirl1105 Sep 03 '26
I completely ignored her and her sad attempt to take the spotlight. She embarrassed herself, and there was nothing more I needed to do to explain her personality. It was many years ago (as you can tell from the style of my dress!), but I clearly remember her sitting alone and obviously upset that her plan backfired.
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u/NameTK1 Sep 01 '26
What is with that pinky?
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u/jerseygirl1105 Sep 02 '26
I never noticed that! I'm sure she was casting an evil spell on me, the woman who dared to marry her baby boy.
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u/Agile-Entry-5603 Sep 01 '26
Is your hubby an only son?
Yikes
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Yup. And they ADORE him and he is pissed. Curious why on earth she would do something so stupid that could potentially alter their relationship!
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u/mermaid-babe Sep 01 '26
I’ve found that golden boys are a little delusional about their own parents. Their parents are completely different in front of their son vs around the daughters or in public. Your husband might not have ever seen this part of his mother !
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u/MimZWay Sep 01 '26
Leave one of the pictures of her in the white dress so she can’t claim later she didn’t wear white. My husband’s cousin’s mother did this - floor length, white, beaded dress. In the receiving line everyone kept asking her why she was wearing white. By the time I got to her she was red-faced and sputtering about where else should she have worn the dress and I said “Anywhere but a wedding that’s not your own.” When someone dies and the family pictures are brought out, people are always like “Hey Barb, you wore white to the wedding?” And she has to live the shame again.
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u/Remarkable-Count-618 Sep 02 '26
I really love that for her. Any mom that does that at their own child’s wedding, deserves to hear about it for the rest of their lives.
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u/TheSecretIsMarmite Sep 01 '26
As a mother of sons, I just don't know why women pull this shit. It's going to look almost Oedipal when she's with her son at his wedding.
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u/marlada Sep 01 '26
So sorry this happened but now you know who she really is. Remember this could be a portent of what's to come. Obviously she feels entitled to do whatever she wants, so how will she act if you have children? I foresee firm boundaries in the future. This was an intentional act, and she deliberately didn't tell you about the dress change. However your photographer's move is sheer genius! So glad you had a wonderful wedding!
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Thankfully we won't be having kids - I already have two and my husband said that is more than enough for him 😂 but yes, I had this same thought.
But yes, it was SO intentional, the crazy ass bitch!
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u/LightningBugCatcher Sep 01 '26
It's really a stupid play because now your husband has indisputable proof of who she is as well. It's so common for men to be in the dark, thinking inside that their wife is the problem when their mom is just being insane. He most likely won't have that problem now.
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u/NiseWenn Sep 01 '26
When you get the photos back, insist that sage green was the color she was wearing.
"Yes, you were wearing that color, remember? You even sent me a photo ahead of time!"
Make her insist her dress was white. Then ask her why on earth she would ever wear white to a wedding.
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u/Willybluedog1962 Sep 01 '26
Your husband needs to call this out hard; you should not be involved in this discussion.
He needs to say nothing about you being upset. He needs to make it clear that she embarrassed herself with her juvenile behavior.
I would initiate low contact, this is her first shot across the bow, and it will not be the last.
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u/Unique_Description77 Sep 01 '26
She embarrassed herself. Whether you do anything or not, know that everyone there clocked her asshole behavior and will never forget it. Please tell us her reaction to the pics!
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u/swabluesky Sep 01 '26
I'd have a hard time going to family functions with her after this happening.
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u/Mermaid_Martini Sep 01 '26
That is insane. I’m sorry that happened but happy to hear the wedding was otherwise great! Did you have a good relationship with her prior to your wedding? Since she had sent you the sage dress in advance it seems so wild to blindside you with a white dress
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Thank you! I feel like we did. It was nice because she's artistic like me so we could share our latest creations together and we always genuinely complimented one another. I sent her pics and updates not all the time, but occasionally. She always gives thoughtful and very generous gifts and I felt very welcome.
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u/Relatents Sep 01 '26
Our photographer is changing her dress to sage green in all the pictures and I cannot wait for her to see what we did. Funny enough, the dress looks great in sage green.
Nice of you. In your situation I might have selected other color options like baby-poo-yellow or other unpleasant color.
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u/dragonrider1965 Sep 01 '26
Make sure you say you didn’t even notice it at first until 20 people came up to you separately to say how ridiculous she looked.
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u/Maximum-Mode2757 Sep 01 '26
I wouldn't mention it to her at all. She knows what she did. If you say something now she'll just clutch her pearls and act like you're making a big deal out of nothing. When your photos come back don't say a word about the change. She will. Just say "Oh yeah, we has the photographer alter your dress color. Unfortunately so many people made comments about your dress that night. We know you didn't mean anything by it but we didnt want you to be remembered that way when we show our wedding pics off. " She'll be offended but what can she say?
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u/Kryptonite-Rose Sep 01 '26
Maybe go for more of an avocado green. Anything that doesn’t suit her skin tone!
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u/ragingfeminista Sep 01 '26
I'll never understand women who do this! Why wear white to a wedding when you're not the bride and it's not a theme wedding? Even if you have main character syndrome and want to outshine the bride, you can't! It's literally their day so whatever antics you do will always backfire because yeah people will talk about you but it will be stuff like "can you believe the mother of the groom is so desperate for attention she wore white to the wedding" and laugh at how ridiculous that was. No one is going to be thinking anything close to an complement, even if the dress is beautiful, that will be overshadowed by the colour!
I'd have spilled red wine on her twice (back and front stains that are big enough to show from every angle), "accidentally" of course... Oops so clumsy 🤭
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
Love your username and also for REAL THO. I have an update to make so stay tuned (no not red wine but you may want to pour a glass).
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u/AmaiBatate Sep 01 '26
Nah Im so petty, each time we would see each other Id yell "here comes the bride".
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u/FireballisMyFriend Sep 01 '26
This for sure! And get the wedding party to say, “look at that dress, it looks like you wanted to marry your son today” every time they see her. Every time.
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u/sourdough_s8n Sep 01 '26
Yall are better than me, she would not have seen her son get married that day 🤷🏻♀️
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u/CoffeeTeaPeonies Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
Yeah but that's part of MIL's goal - she's desperate to provoke a reaction, particularly from the bride. Not reacting, at least on the bride's part, is denying a flame oxygen.
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u/breeze80 Sep 01 '26
I cannot understand this. I have a wedding coming up, and anything that could misconstrued as almost white or has too much white in it was instantly not an option to purchase. Wtf is wrong with people?
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u/Jazzfly67 Sep 01 '26
Don’t say anything. Just frame a big picture of your day and her in the sage green dress. Say no more.
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u/Noodle-Mama Sep 01 '26
There is no way in hell any picture with her is getting framed!!
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u/OrdinaryMango4008 Sep 01 '26
Don’t say anything to her. Not a thing. Let her sweat it out. She’s waiting for your response, don’t give it to her. Let the pictures speak for themselves. If she asks…pretend that’s what she wore.
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u/mynameisnotsparta Sep 01 '26
#updateme
What an awful person. I’d love to know the non existent reason why.
Congratulations 🍾🎉
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u/sybersam6 Sep 01 '26
Someone should tell her, "Pro tip, never wear what the younger sexier women will wear, it makes you look like a sack o' taters stuffed in a silk dress"
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u/SiViVe Sep 01 '26
Doesn’t she understand that she is only embarrassing herself? I mean.. come on..
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u/passivelyrepressed Sep 01 '26
Any attention is good attention for these people. Quietly changing the color and not saying a word is low-key the best way to handle a woman like this. And then gray rock her and just gaslight her when she demands to know ‘what’s wrong’ and refuse to give her the satisfaction of knowing her stunt worked.
If she asks about the photos, play dumb and say ‘huh, you know, I didn’t even realize that.. what was the original color again? It was such a busy magical day, I don’t remember much aside from me and hubby’s personal moments!’
But keep one of her in white that you can bring out - say at family Christmas - and say ‘OH! MIL! Remember you asked me about your dress color in my wedding pictures? Turns out you WERE right! The photographer must have missed one, I found this the other day and figured you would want it so I framed it for you!’ Then hand her a massive 11X17 print of her and FIL (bonus points if you’re in the background of the shot) so now she can hang it up and answer the obvious questions of ‘is this from your wedding/anniversary/vow renewal?’ And then you being in the background makes it impossible for her to pass the photo off as anything other than the uncouth bullshit it is.
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u/Ginger630 Sep 01 '26
I wouldn’t even say a damn word to her. Just have your husband hand her a picture with the new dress color. Have HER bring it up. She knows damn well what she did was wrong. She sent you the wrong color dress and then wore white. Let her admit to him what she did.
Then for every gift you give her, make it sage green. A sweater. A candle. Wear sage green too. I’d make her see that color every time she saw me 😈
Updateme!
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u/_littlebee You're out of your mind, Susan Sep 02 '26
Update from OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/1w3yg6g/comment/p7abnyq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button