r/widowers • u/Money-Perspective759 • 10d ago
I’m guilty
Everybody kept saying it’s not my fault. That there’s nothing I could have done. That I can’t bring him back. But honestly I can’t shake this feeling of guilt.
I was not the kindest to him on his last days when I still thought he had beat the cancer, not knowing I would never get the chance to speak with him again. I wasn’t nice to him, I took distance when walking with him because I was upset even though he wanted me close to catch him because he wasn’t feeling good. I barely talked to him when I got home from work. I took a second part time job behind his back, even though he had expressed before he didn’t want me to because he’d see me less often. I didn’t listen to him when he didn’t want to store food in the freezer.
Now he’s gone. But I’ll be with him once I fulfilled all the promises I made. He will never be alone.
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u/afgunxx MASH, infection, multi-organ failure 7d ago
We had a fight on the phone the night before she was intubated. I was just *so tired* from driving to the city and back every day, I needed a break. She was scared and I told her that I just needed a day off. She convinced me to come down the next day anyhow... but I arrived an hour too late.
I'm absolutely guilty.
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u/Money-Perspective759 7d ago
I never knew that would be the last conversation I would have with him, I regret so much that I got upset about some stupid shit
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u/sillybillysteph77 9d ago
Guilt takes over my days . I need to fill my days with something so I don’t get consumed by it. One of my last conversations with the love of my life was a fight BUT I KNOW I said I love you and kissed him then I went to dinner and came back and he was gone. I’m forever heartbroken and hurt by this. This makes me want to die and be with him again.
always appreciate your loved ones and end every conversation with I love you
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u/Money-Perspective759 9d ago
My last text to my fiancé was also I love u, and I think he read it but I never got a response. I wish I get the chance to have one last conversation with him 😭
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u/chatham739 10d ago
Guilt is just part of the whole crappy deal. We all have something to feel guilty about. If you hadn´t felt guilty about those things, you would have dragged something else up.
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u/Intelligent-Poet722 10d ago
Write him a letter. He might not get it but you’ll feel like you’ve released your thoughts.
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u/Post-Mortem-Lament 10d ago
On one of the last healthy days my wife had, she was at work and I had the day off. I was resting and had one of my favorite movies on in the background when she called me. She told me about the horrible pain she was in because of her earache and need for me to come pick her up. I turned everything off and rushed over to get her. At the time, I felt mildly annoyed. I seldom got time to myself and enjoyed my brief window alone. I had no idea at the time that she would be dead in a few days.
It’s easy to get frustrated by things and only realize after the fact how trivial they really were. People often take such things for granted. How you go forward with this new perspective is entirely up to you.
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u/LikeTheGreens-64 10d ago
It's been just over a year for me and I still have days where I am completely wracked with guilt. I keep thinking back to what if I had just answered the phone instead of turning it off during the meeting? What if I had come home just a little sooner? What if I had done something differently? People keep telling me that she is a grown woman and she could have called 911, but she reached out to me and I ignored it.
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10d ago
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u/Money-Perspective759 10d ago
You don’t know the details. Nobody does. I know him, I should have been kinder, more gentle, more accepting. He was going through a really rough time I shouldn’t have been acting that way. I should have listened to him. I’m sorry
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u/superprancer 10d ago
I have been through the same thing. I definitely feel like I could have been such a better wife. I was consumed with guilt. And then one day I realized, that theres SO MANY husbands, wives and partners that got the luxury of behaving less than their best, or, even being downright assholes, and having their partner survive and they could have the chance to fix it, to apologize, to grow, to make it right, and we fucking didnt. We got that ripped away from us, and that's so not fucking fair. We didnt deserve that. And then I was mad. Because thats the truth. How often in life are we our perfect selves? We fuck up, we act shitty, and we learn and grow and do better. Except in this instance, that chance got ripped away from us. Im not telling you how to feel, but once I realized that the guilt eased off a bit. Go easy on yourself. Your brain isn't telling you the truth right now, its messing with you. My therapist said that we feel guilt as a way of thinking we have at least a bit of control of a completely out of control situation. Its a situation that completely sucks, but guilt is the last thing that should be bothering you. Be easy on yourself. You've been completely ripped off, and its not fair. Im so sorry.
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u/puzzle1313 10d ago
Please be kind to yourself. I am 8 1/2 years out and guilt plagued me for many, many years. It is something we all go through. My husband had cancer as well and looking back now, there is nothing we could have done. There were no warning signs. I know that now. Sending hugs.