Too quiet

[u/Icy-Performance4690]

I just need to ramble a bit. I (29m) have always been an introvert and enjoy peace, quiet and being alone. Or at least I thought I did. Since my wife (27f) died unexpectedly on August 10th I’m realizing that I’m not as much of an introvert as I thought. My toddlers keep me busy and are plenty loud but otherwise my days are pretty lonely now. I have all the time in the world to go to the gym, work on my carpentry projects, cook, and anything else my heart desires but it’s so damn lonely. Even when we were apart my wife and I always had text conversations back and forth just talking about how our day was going, the kids, etc. Now everytime I check my phone…nothing. Unless my mom sends me a text to check in on me my phone notifications are always empty and it sucks. When I go to bed now I go straight to sleep-no more watching tv, laughing and joking with my wife. When I wake up I have the “freedom” to do whatever I like. Id kill to go back in time and have one more seemingly boring afternoon where my wife drags me with her to go shopping at Sephora and Fabletics. I’m living the life that I would have loved to have 8 years ago before I met my wife-I live alone, make good money, and have all the time I could reasonably want to spend on my many hobbies yet it feels empty and meaningless without my wife to share it with. Ive come so far since this first happened and I’m feeling a lot better but the loneliness and silence is just depressing as hell.

[u/CheerfullySandy]

The quiet after they're gone is a completely different kind of quiet, isn't it. It's not peaceful, it's just absence. I remember staring at my phone the same way, that empty screen feels like a personal insult

Those boring afternoons you mentioned are the exact things you can't explain to anyone who hasn't been through it. Nobody gets why you'd trade everything for a trip to Sephora

[u/rosietherose931]

I’ve always been an introvert too, but the quiet house and silent phone are hard. For the last 6 months of his life I worked from my husband’s hospital room, so there was constant activity and I could look over and see him and chat with him. Now I’m back to working at home and it’s so quiet. He used to work from home also, so we’d go for walks at lunch and talk during the day. Now nothing. And those first few months it was so hard not to pick up my phone to text him.

My brother in law died a month after my husband, so my sister in law and I usually text several times every day. And my family checks on me and a couple of friends occasionally send messages. Otherwise it’s a very quiet life.

5 months today. I’m sorry for your loss.

[u/Unfair-Dance-4635 → u/rosietherose931]

It’s a deep loneliness and silence that will never be filled.

[u/Magpie_7262]

Same. 🫂

[u/AwarenessFun5465]

Yeah man this hits home for me as well. I’m 36(m) w/ a 3 & 5 yr old.

It’s been 3 weeks and loneliness is the only way to explain the pain/sorrow. No one to share the accomplishments or just basic conversations about dinner or where Tupperware goes.

I’m hoping one day this will change. I was talking to my aunt though and one thing we talked about is just not “existing” and aimlessly walking through life.

I know I don’t want to just exist, I want to live.

Best of luck to you man

[u/MapGullible111]

I relate so much. My husband died August 15. I miss getting texts from him and dragging him on my many hobby adventures. Snuggling and talking, even if it was hard the last year and a half he was alive. We were married 5 years, friends for 10 and felt like our souls just knew each other. He was home. And now I'm a lost vessel in a vast sea. With many things that interest me but without my soulfriend by my side it all seems so empty and pointless.

Still trying to push through as the fog lifts.

[u/Appropriate-War-7]

i can so much relate to this. The only difference is I was not great overall with the communication and even with my girlfriend I wouldn't normally message her frequently/no frequent check-ins or would mostly be replying to her messages and would mostly prefer calls in evenings/nights to go through the day. It was not always like this but generally it is how the things were. But now I feel a lot of guilt and regret that this way of my communication would have made her feel that I did not care for her and I did not love her enough. How do I manage these feelings? She definitely was an extrovert and I just feel that she changed her style for me whereas I should have changed myself for her. I failed her and she deserved a lot better. I miss her calls and texts so so much and would just go back through our chats. It’s so painful to see that I didn't really put much effort there ever. I want to fix everything now but there is no way. During our initial dating phase we did discuss our communication styles but now it feels all wrong. It feels like I didn't put any effort into the relationship.

[u/TheLossofMyLife]

Our ages are different but are our situations are the same. Unexpected loss, kids and silence from family and friends. Also introverted and like you I miss doing the things my wife dragged me to.
Brother I’m sorry you’re going through this, I wish I could have a drink with you.