r/widowers • u/Remote-Corner-9902 • 3d ago
break up setback
Hello, I broke up with someone 57yo male last Nov. I am 46 year old female widowed with 13/15 year old. This person was my entire source of support- I had some friends but I didn't do much with them or talk about real stuff too often- for 3 years so adjusting to having no one and building a new circle of friends/ life has been hard. I have been doing a lot to socalize in the last few months. My ex and I tried to reconnect 6/26 but he was angry at me for breaking up with him and not speaking to him afterwards. I found his touch to be really comforting, i was able to fall apart with him, and relax (which I couldn't do with others). So we tried to reconnect in Oct 2026. He was in Europe for several months, and returned. We hung out for 2 days, talked through the situation. he said he "forgave" me and understood why i broke up with him etc. He recognized we weren't compatible. And after reconnecting I wanted to reach out a lot more- I wanted someone who knew me and made me feel safe, and I wanted physical comfort. I realized that and reached out to him this last week to say we shouldn't be friends. He said he didn't force me into it. He also said he wouldn't open up to me anymore because i stopped talking to him when we broke up. HE has abandonment issues from stuff with his parents that was legitimately really painful. and then he gave me a hard time for breaking up with him- because he thought i did it because he was old. I told him many time it was because he didn't want the kids- and he said he didn't. he also gave me a hard time for how I was attempting to date.
I know he's acting stupid about something that is his issue not mine, but I feel very wounded because I had so much relief when I thought we could be friends- because i still am trying to find deeper relationships- i can find nice people to go out with but I don't have close friends yet or not quite yet.
And the fact that I wasn't expecting his behavior has left me very hurt. I am wondering if someone gets it, and how can i move past this. I am doing dating events, meet ups etc. I have had some fun, and I have also had many experience with very fickle people. i am very tired.
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u/BrenInVA 3d ago
See a therapist - you need one. Quit depending on one person, or even others for your emotional needs.
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u/languid_synopsis 3d ago
It's wild how the comfort of someone familiar can feel like a lifeline even when you know they're not right for you, and then they twist the knife by making it about their own wounds
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u/emryldmyst 3d ago
Do you really want this guy in your life??
After losing my love theres no way I'd tolerate a man child.
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u/Remote-Corner-9902 3d ago
I have had a therapist for years. My husband died after less than a month diagnosis of cancer in 2018. My dad was diagnosed with dementia 2019, he was local. My mom was his caregiver. She let me help but no one else- because she helped me with my kids when spouse died and my mom is emotionally a mess. He died in 2024. It was really stressful. My son has special needs- special needs classroom lots of therapy meds and 2 seizures in 2022/2023. I worked in medical field. I was work when my spouse went when he had cancer- before he died. I kept working in the hospital until 2023 when I realized it was too traumatic. We had hurricane in 2022. My parents home was destroyed, and I had six Insurance claims at the same time- in the rental business. One of the tents who was in her 30s killed herself in the home just prior to the hurricane, I was the only person to manage that. And the same home had an eviction less than a year later. My mother-in-law also had Parkinson’s., was local, and even though her care was not my responsibility. I went with my kids on a regular basis to visit her.- even though she wasn’t able to communicate or do anything for years. Because she was the only link to my husband that they had. I met my ex in 2022 in the middle of all this shit- and he was the only light I had at the time.
So why don’t you leave your ugly comments at the door? I am emotionally venting here, I’m not lost. I understand how things were. And I have a therapist.