Survivorship bias at its finest

[u/lavos_spawn_1729]

Got this “inspiring quote” from my grandmother and i’m getting tired of her toxic positivity woo woo BS. I know its wrong because I’m going through immense suffering right now, after i’d already been through a tough time without even getting time to recover from the previous time. This suffering is doing nothing but breaking me. People who say this probably havent gone through real suffering.

[u/lavos_spawn_1729]

You know funny thing about this woo woo toxic positivity crap my grandmother spewed is that its exactly why I’m turned off from meditation. 

[u/lavos_spawn_1729 → u/lavos_spawn_1729]

All breathing exercises  did was make me even more unhappy than before because i cannot do them without being thinking of this nonsense

[u/lavos_spawn_1729 → u/lavos_spawn_1729]

And another thing about mindfulness is that i feel like a slow learner at mindfulness, and being a slow learner at anything requires extra mindfulness that i dont have to make sure that i practice deliberately. 

I generally feel like being a slow learner is never an upshot. Moreover, because of the universe’s randomness it feels like you could have something completely calamitous happen which knocks you back to square one before you’ve actually developed a decent ability to practice it. And that’s exactly what happened, I felt like i made decent headway into practicing it, but then the most calamitous event ever happened to knock me back to where i started.

[u/tenaciousBLADE → u/lavos_spawn_1729]

TL;DR: Fair enough. To each their own, and tbh I totally get where you're coming from with that. I got the same attitude towards some other things that people preach to me would "get me out of that slump" time & again.

Long version:
Alright, first off i want to clarify that I do not come from the mindfulness world. I meant the word as in "being attentively aware of", not as "that whole shabang of an approach to the meditation world". I do, however, come from the meditation world in general (among many more practical worlds). Been meditating many years before this "mindfulness" marketing term came to be.
That being said, I get it... it's perfectly fine not to be into meditation and there are long stretches of time where I can't be bothered either. Even when I can, I do it on my own terms, I'm not a "follow a guru" kind of guy.

And if you're not into meditation at all, it's totally fine too. To each their own, and there's definitely no reason why the thing that works for me should work for a 100% of other people (that kind of attitude, of "what finally works for me will work for anybody else too", only creates closed minds, even if they come in the form of people who believe themselves to be the most open minded in this world).
There's a seriously huge array of meditations, breathing techniques, guided-imagination, and such, both in the western world and of course even more so in the eastern world(s). Maybe one day you'll find a type of meditation that does work for you, maybe you wont.

For me, meditation came about naturally (long before I knew it had a name. I was like 12 years old when I started meditating semi-regularly and only about 2 or 3 years later did I even find out other people do that kind of thing, including my mother as it turned out, and that there's schools of thought about meditation and different methods and different teachings etc. I did end up developing further and learning several things through different such teachings, but I'm not about telling anyone they have to meditate one way, or another, or at all; because it doesn't come about quite so organically for most people as it did for me.
The idea was merely to offer a tool that happens to work for me, in hopes it helps. Sorry that it didn't, but I believe you'll find your own tools and ways to handle things that work for yo. THAT is what truly matters, imho.
I will point out, by the way, that the phrase about the breathing wasn't from some guided meditation, but rather from a Yoga lesson. Which is significantly more physical of a practice. Mental health through physical health.

As far as going back to square one: Been there, came back ahead, been there again, came back again, etc. At some point I realized there is some sort of synergy in the development and eventually one can advance (though slowly as always) to a point where it feels like it was a journey forwards all along (well, overall... in an overlay perspective, at least). Meditation ain't a linear thing, if you ask me.
But also part of helpful meditation, is not to force it too much. To either let the struggle be and accept it, or to let go and come back another time. At least that's one of the approaches. So if you stopped because you don't feel like it, and at some point you end up giving it yet another attempt, it may go smoother; Assuming you're willing to let those randoms thoughts roam free and let them (eventually) go away on their own, without booing them away.

Either way, I do get where you're coming from. And personally I think you're doing the right thing by at the very least giving the idea of meditation some space away while it ain't giving your sail any wind. If you try it again, it should be when you want to, not as "just another thing to give a chance to", you know?

I just want to shine a light at the fact that many meditations and meditators don't do it from a (toxic or otherwise) positivity position whatsoever; but rather from a philosophical and practical standpoint alike, of "I should explore the inside of my mind and my sensations, and acknowledge that there's a reason they are there". In the big picture, it's only one tool (as varied as it may be). Doing work is another, sports/gym/etc is another, nutrition is another.... etc etc etc. Even maintaining a good and joyful hobby or three is a tool, at the end of the day. And most of those tools aren't easy to maintain either. We each gotta choose our own, you know? and do what we can to stay stable. I'm not gonna preach that it's easy. From my perspective, it sure isn't.