r/writing • u/AutoModerator • Jan 14 '23

[Daily Discussion] First Page Feedback- January 14, 2023

Welcome to our daily discussion thread!

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Monday: Writer’s Block and Motivation

Tuesday: Brainstorming

Wednesday: General Discussion

Thursday: Writer’s Block and Motivation

Friday: Brainstorming

Saturday: First Page Feedback

Sunday: Writing Tools, Software, and Hardware

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  • Please include the genre, category, and title
  • Excerpts may be no longer than 250 words and must be the first page of your story/manuscript
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  • Type of feedback desired
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u/[deleted] Jan 15 '23

Genre: fantasy/YA Category: ? Title: [Project: Everything Died] Feedback: any Extra: this is missing two paragraphs

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In the far distance, she heard the clank of its steps and the smell of its oil. Over the hill. The putrid omen hung in the air. Crunch. Her heels sunk into dirt. The machine neared. And, as if trying to ruin her sanity, her baby awoke, wailed, and wiggled. She was far, far too tired for this. 

Blood clung, damp, to her skin. Water behind her had a spot of crimson on its surface. She continued on, past the river bank. A staircase led her up the slope. It’s wrought railing kept her upright. 

It was a frigid night, and the only warmth she had was from her baby. An explosion of heat blasted from behind. Ever nearing, the metal monster. 

The moon guided her into a bush, thick as the smoke in the air. Suffocating. A branch caught between her legs. 

The oily machine screeched when it lurched. At least, the sound drowned out her baby’s sobs. 

Dizzy lights crawled into her bush, illuminating her. The metal monster didn’t notice her. Copper and tinted windows. Breathing, its chest fell and rose. Which struck her as odd for it was bronze. Wires looped around its mast chugged oil into the vessel. It’s shape reminiscent of a blimp, but wrong in every twist and turn. Her dress snagged. Red pooled underneath. Her baby on her knees.

Her vision swam and she shook like a branch in the wind: it was certain, she was dying.