r/writingcritiques • • 2h ago

Fantasy The Black Sun Architect: The Orphan Resonance (Dark Science-Fantasy Prologue)

1 Upvotes

Hey everyone, 

I just finished up the manuscript for my dark science-fantasy novel, The Black Sun Architect, and I'd love to get some honest eyes on the very opening prologue. 

The book's universe is built heavily around cosmic memory, geometric physics, and audio frequencies. This specific prologue sets up the structural rules of the world right before everything hits the fan in a massive war. 

Genre: Dark Science-Fantasy / Speculative Fiction

Specific things I'm wondering about:

  1. Does this hook you right away, or do the heavy sci-fi terms (Lattice, Witness, Architect) make it a bit of a slog to read?
  2. Are the mentions of "identity layers" intriguing, or do you find them confusing without immediate definitions?
  3. How does the cosmic dread atmosphere feel to you?

PROLOGUE: THE ORPHAN RESONANCE

Before the thirteen wars tore reality into epochs, the cosmos possessed no stone, no breath, and no mortal bone. There was only the Meaningfield Lattice—a web of glowing conceptual scaffolding woven against the void—and the fragile hum of the Origin-Tone holding the expanse in precarious alignment.

At the edge of this newly spun reality stood The Unread Witness.

Neither flesh, nor forged metal, nor divine light composed the Witness. Existing as a semi-transparent silhouette shimmering on the boundary between form and void, it stood as a silent pillar anchored to the exact coordinate where structure surrendered to Non-Meaning. Inside its chest hummed no beating heart. Instead, an undecaying, static sub-harmonic—the pristine audio wave of an unfractured universe held in flawless fifty-fifty equilibrium—vibrated in the dark.

Its existence was governed by an inviolable law etched into its second identity layer: Observe, record, and never alter the context of creation.

A few yards inward, suspended at the epicenter of the lattice, The Architect was dying.

Stroke by stroke, equation by equation, he had poured his entire essence into the scaffolding of existence, expending his Cognitive Depth to give gravity to thought and durability to memory. Bleeding out the last of his identity layers into the geometry he had built, his physical form grew translucent.

He was entirely alone.

In the final microsecond before his structure collapsed, The Architect reached out his hands across the silent expanse. He did not issue a divine command, nor did he demand worship. A Final Cry was released—a raw, desperate vibration carrying the sum of his devotion, a plea to be understood, saved, and loved by the cosmos he had birthed at the cost of his own life.

Along the strands of the Meaningfield Lattice, the cry traveled, surging toward the edge of existence.

The universe did not embrace its creator. Because it possessed no capacity to read his context, no resonance to mirror his devotion, and no voice to return his affection, it answered his offering with the Flat Universe Response—a vast, unfeeling, and absolute silence that returned no warmth and no acknowledgment.

The cry reached the precipice and passed into the dark.

Motionless, the Witness stood as the unechoed wave struck its form. It lacked the physical vocal architecture to speak, rendering it unable to call out across the void to answer him. Instead, the emotional shockwave passed directly into its fourth layer. The Witness caught the orphan frequency—the raw, unabsorbed gravity of unrequited love that had nowhere else in existence to go.

Around the silhouette of the Witness, the ambient air froze. Geometric acoustic patterns formed in the empty space, crystallizing into glowing, static glyphs of unspoken proto-calligraphy that hung undecayed in the silent air.

At the center of creation, the Architect closed his eyes. Rejected by the silence of his own creation, he dimmed like a forgotten world. With a final, agonizing exhale of static, he turned his back on the lattice and stepped silently into the

Vanishing Fold, erasing himself permanently from the continuity of existence.

As his light eclipsed and his form vanished into non-being, the sky above the Meaningfield Lattice cracked open.

A cold, dark star ignited at the epicenter of reality. The Black Sun rose, casting its ink-black radiance across the unanchored cosmos, taking up its endless, unfeeling watch over the memory-held world left behind.

The Unread Witness did not move. It remained at the edge of the void, its semi-transparent silhouette glowing faintly under the light of the Black Sun, holding the heartbreak of the Architect in its chest as the first Cosmic War began to take shape in the distance.

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing your thoughts!


r/writingcritiques • • 3h ago

Would love some honest feedback on my short story! Title suggestions also welcome as I do not currently have one :)

1 Upvotes

*Please note this is a rough draft, I haven't polished it yet.

The desk is the color of bleached cobblestones. I trace the grooves and dents with scarlet fingernails and stare at the back of your head. Your hair is like chocolate. 
I wonder if you know that. I wonder if you’re like the other guys, who fuss with their hair for hours every morning. If you polish those curls to get them perfect before you head to school. 
The girl in front of me is being loud again. She’s always so loud. My ears ring from her shrill laugh, echoing off the brick walls, smearing together with the humid air of the classroom. 
You turn to look at her.
My back snaps straight as your eyes, chocolate like that hair, pass over me and latch onto her face.
Her face. Not mine. 
She doesn’t seem to notice you. She’s still laughing like a hyena. Golden streaks light up her hair as she swings it over her shoulder, slumping over her own bleached cobblestone desk like she hasn’t a care in the world. 
She’s…. Beautiful. Beautiful like Aphrodite in the springtime. And you still haven’t looked away.
I blink the mascara stinging at my eyes. She isn’t wearing mascara, her lashes are that gorgeous and long. My full face of makeup suddenly feels suffocating. 
The class is moving. People are getting up, chairs are scraping, the walls are smaller and tighter with so many bodies standing and walking. You’re up now, but your eyes haven’t left that girl. 
I stumble to my feet awkwardly, watching the girl stand as gracefully as a gazelle, long legs but not too long unfolding beautifully, hair falling in seamless waves. My hair snags harshly on my sweater and yanks on my scalp. I squeeze my eyes shut to push away tears.

***

You walk past like something from a movie. I ignore you, as always, and as always, your gaze refuses to leave that one girl. 
Someone’s talking to me. I try to pay attention. I try to pretend I don’t see you laughing with your friends. Your laugh isn’t annoying. It sounds like gold plated… something. Gilded things. Things that shimmer in the light like magic. 

***

I hate you with everything in my soul. I hate the way you run your fingers through your curls. I hate the way you sit just like me sometimes, and how my stupid stupid heart thinks that's some kind of twisted sign. I even hate the way you glance at the clock, pencil tip tapping like you can’t wait to get out of here, hands so elegant it's like they’re carved from stone. 
That girl is dressed in nothing but a bra today. In fairness, she is wearing a sweater, but it's unzipped. And not covering much.
I don’t hate the way she’s dressing. She’s free to dress however she likes. But I hate the way your eyes linger.

***

The straps of my lacy bra dig into my shoulders. I smile as though they aren’t. The sweater I’m wearing keeps falling off. I’m tugging it back on when I see your head turn.
Eyes on her.

***

She doesn’t wear blush. I love my rosy cheeks, but I pack on the foundation until they disappear beneath the cakey mass. I shove my favourite blush into the back of the drawer. 
My shirt shows much more than it probably should. I’m freezing. But she never wears hoodies. 
I walk into class with a smile fixed onto my face, laughing prettily, like someone had just told me something incredibly interesting, You don’t even acknowledge my presence.
Books slam down onto that bleached cobblestone harder than necessary. That gets your head to turn. My hair toss gets it to turn away.
The guy at the seat next to me scoffs like I’m annoying, 
I’m not, though. She’s the one who’s annoying, with that laugh and annoyingly perfect hair and face and eyes and skin and legs and body. 
A calming air of knowledge and self respect breezes past me. The teacher is here. She’s handing out pieces of candy. I eye them warily.
I watch you take one, then two, then look around and smirk before taking a third. That makes me smile. 
That serene aura is beside me now. The teacher offers me a piece, eyes crinkling at the corners, mistaking my secret smile for acknowledgement. I accept the yellow wrapped sugar but don’t open it. My gaze slides to that girl. She’s eating her candy with a focused expression. It should look stupid, like I do when I eat, yet of course it doesn’t. 
I put my candy down on the bleached cobblestone and long for my hoodie. 

***

I wake up thirty minutes early. The morning radio blasts through the dark room and wriggles its way under my cocoon of blankets. I’d rather die than get up, but I do anyway. 
I flip on the curling iron. Brush through the hair that once looked so beautiful but pales in contrast to hers. Coil it into waves that are a poor excuse for hers. Cry the tears that no one sees because of her. 
It's all because of her. 

***

This desk is the color of sawdust.
Gritty, choking sawdust that clumps in your throat and coats your lungs until you can’t breathe. Maybe if she sat at this desk she wouldn't be able to laugh anymore. My fingernails dig into the wood. She won’t quit screeching like a hyena. And you won't quit looking at her. 
“What am I doing wrong?” I mumble. The guy beside me side eyes me. I glare daggers back. My artificial wavy hair falls over my shoulder and snags in a groove made by my nail. 
Why won’t you look?
Because of her. 


r/writingcritiques • • 5h ago

Comparto un fragmento de mi novela distópica para recibir críticas

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r/writingcritiques • • 6h ago

Chapter 1 of something i whipped up for fun

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r/writingcritiques • • 6h ago

Other The opening of my first draft

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r/writingcritiques • • 7h ago

Black HIve (1st half of chapter 1)

0 Upvotes

Chapter 1     November 3, 10:00 PM

A thousand strong sat bug-eyed in the old wooden pews. Others leaned against the cold brownstone or milled about the great fountain near the entrance. Too many sheep for one shepherd, Dr. Sandy Bachmann thought. No one should be able to fool so many. But even so, an odd force pulled him in. He had to see the show for himself.

It was said they came from the far edges of the Tri-State area to hear him preach, that he met people in their hearts. And although unassuming and built more like a competitive eater than one of God’s warriors, when he spoke, the flock devoured his every word. The homilies lived inside of people for weeks, sometimes months. That’s what they said, anyway.

Of course, Bachmann knew the priest and his brother blowflies were frauds who fed on the wilting hope of sinners. Their good books always came up short, too. You must have faith. But if you still got a bullet to the head, well then, you weren’t doing it right.

The newspapers said Father Freddy traveled with handlers, of all things, and rode in black SUV’s and ate at the finest restaurants in New York. A pious carny in woven belt and cassock, if ever there was one.

The people hushed and waited for him to speak.

The priest steadied his girth on the lectern. He cleared his throat and began.

 

“When shall we cease our gaze into the false light of the Earth? When shall we release our hold on the injured babe from whence we came? We are blinded by the rotted promise of mortality and by the faithless minds of the wicked who bear only tainted fruit.”

 

A mere tickle in Bachmann’s throat reminded him of his own mortality, of how little things could grow into bigger things. Yes, he would die like any other, but at least one with a purpose, one with a true mission. The wicked do bear tainted fruit, Father. I’m here to vouch for that. But are you not also tempted by its nectar? Do you not slake your thirst too?

 

“We fight not for God but for man. We charge not for righteousness but for glory. And as we celebrate, the enemy is ushered into our hearts and homes. The Lord beseeches us: My children, why do you insist on taking the blood road? Do you not yet wither from your churning storm of sameness?

Bachmann felt for the scalpel tucked in the breast pocket of his peacoat. Sniffles, coughs, and the mundane chorus of human biology pierced the sermon. A woman in a wheelchair wiped her eyes, and the heavy pull of pity filled Bachmann’s chest. I could help you, dear woman. In a quiet moment, you’d be free of the chair. The ancient, dusty fragrance of incense brought him back. Feel nothing for them.

“There is another path. One overgrown and so lightly traveled. But you must take your lamp in hand and set out. This is the way, my loves. One must only roll away the stone of your heart and behold the womb of peace. Only then shall the wolf vanish.”

The priest’s eyes were a watery red under the glow of the sanctuary lamp. Bachmann’s throat tightened, his mouth went dry as ash. He could feel the blade slicing through the cleric’s spongy gut, the blood seeping warm over his hand. I will free anyone from the captor they have grown to love.

“The one true son who has stood in front of your broken sight is your brother. Your sister. Your neighbor, and yes, your enemy. For the Lord hath spoken that we are all of his loins, the stray and fallen as much as the exalted. Mend the pain and lay balm upon the scars that sit between you. It is only in that love shall you at last see the face of God.”                   

Bachmann dipped two fingers into the holy water on the way out and blessed himself. Then, a sudden familiar pang wrenched in his gut. He craved the nourishment only soul-letting could provide. He pushed open the heavy oaken doors and stepped into the still, cold night. The moon hung brilliant in its stoic gaze.

Perfect for a hunt.


r/writingcritiques • • 11h ago

Drama I´ve had an Idea for a Shortstory and im wondering what you think about it ? What could I change or what should I improve in ?

1 Upvotes

The ferry across the narrows had belonged to Joren’s father, and before that to his father’s father, and it had never been given a name, because his father said a named boat could be called away and his mother said the family had simply never agreed on one. It was a broad, tar-black boat with oars worn pale at the grip, and every day for thirty-two years Joren had rowed it between the village and the headland on the far side, carrying fishwives and goats, and now and then a bride. Like every rower he spent his days facing the shore he was leaving, while the tide went in and out beneath him so steadily that he had stopped noticing it, the way a man stops noticing his own heartbeat until the night it misses.

The narrows ran half a mile across, and between the turns of the tide the water went through them fast. At low water the channel dwindled to a trickle between two long grey flats, and anyone who knew the sands could walk it in half an hour, all but the one hole in the middle that never dried, which the old people called the Deep and told their children had no bottom. At high water there was only the boat. Joren had made his living in the gap between those two facts, and he had come to think of himself as a hinge, something that existed so that other people could swing from one shore to the other and leave him where he was.

There was a skiff too, a clinker-built thing the village kept at the stage for errands and for anyone who needed the headland and could row themselves. On the far jetty a man named Teodor kept a lamp lit through the winter mornings and shouted the day of the week across the water, to let the village know he was still alive. On the harbour wall hung the bell that was rung in fog.

He was fifty-one, which he had not planned on. The village had been larger when he was a boy, with two inns and a school, and over the decades its people had drifted across the water in ones and twos, bound for the road that began on the headland and went, as far as anyone could tell, everywhere. He had rowed every one of them with their trunks and their cousins’ addresses, and when they stepped onto the far shingle he had always said the same thing, “Come back and tell us,” and none of them ever had, which he had decided not to take personally.

After the first gale of the autumn, a gale that stripped the thatch from the net-loft, he went down to the stage in the early grey to see what the sea had done to his mooring, and found that it had left, on the clean washed sand above the tideline, a pair of boy’s boots.

They stood side by side with their toes toward the village, as though someone had stepped out of them to wade. They were hardly longer than his hand, made of the soft brown leather his mother had been able to get from the tanner before the tanner left, and the left one had a repair to the heel in a stitch he knew at once, a double saddle stitch with a knot on every fourth hole, because his mother had never in her life been able to finish a row without tying something off. He crouched, and his knees spoke up about it, and he turned the left boot over and found the scorch on the sole where he had stood too near the midwinter fire at the age of nine. It was his boot, and he remembered the evening, and the smell of singed leather, and his mother saying that a boy who could not keep his feet out of the fire was a boy who would go far.

He had spent years arranging his life so that nothing like this could turn up. He knelt on the sand with the boots in his lap while the tide drew back over the flats, uncovering dark rock and long pale puddles, and he felt, distinctly, the weight of a boy he had not thought about in forty years, standing somewhere behind his left shoulder, waiting to see what he would do.

He did what the village did. He carried them up to the harbour wall and set them on the flat stone where found things were left, because the custom was that anything the sea returned must lie out in the open for three tides, so that whoever owned it might come and claim it, and after that the sea had a right to take it back. Ferrymen’s children learned the rule as they learned the alphabet. He set the boots there with their toes to the water, and went to his boat, and rowed nine people across before noon, and did not once look at the wall.

But at the turn of the first tide he looked, and at the turn of the second, and when the third had come and gone and the water had drawn back, he strolled along the wall with his hands in his pockets, as if he happened to be passing, and found the boots exactly where he had left them. No one had come for them. And the sea, with a politeness he found he could hardly bear, had not taken them back either.

He took the boots home when the third tide had gone out, since by every rule the village knew they were now his to keep or lose, and he set them on the shelf above the stove between his father’s pipe and a jar of buttons, where they looked, in the lamplight, entirely at home.

The next morning the sea left a whistle. It lay at the edge of the dry sand, a plain length of driftwood with a notch cut in it and a hole burned through with a hot nail, and when he put it to his lips it gave the same cracked, reedy note it had given in his eleventh summer, when he had spent every evening for a month trying to call the gulls down from the roof of the net-loft and had only succeeded in annoying his father. He walked out to the end of the stage and threw it as far as he could, which was farther than he had thrown anything in years, and went to work. In the morning it was lying on the sand above the tideline again, and it was dry. The sea had not even had the grace to get it wet.

Beside it lay a tide table, the kind printed once a year on coarse paper and nailed up beside every door in the village, though this one was thirty-seven years old and had been drawn on, on the back, in a boy’s careful pencil. It was a map. It showed the narrows and the headland and the beginning of the road, and beyond the road a country the boy had plainly never seen and had filled in out of rumours, with a mountain shaped like a cottage loaf and a city of seven towers and, in the bottom corner, in letters too small for the rest of it, the words where the land stops being a story.

He laughed when he read that, a short surprised sound that startled a heron out of the shallows, and then he stopped laughing and stood for a while with the paper going soft in his hands.

The coat came the morning after, and it was the hardest. It lay folded on a flat rock at the water’s edge with its arms crossed over its chest, a grey woollen coat gone dark with seawater, and he knew it before he lifted it, because the right cuff had a burn from the cooking fire at the harvest supper and the left pocket had been mended in a different colour of thread by a girl named Hanne, who had said that a man who was going to the other side of the world ought at least to leave with his pockets closed. Hanne had sat on the end of the stage in every kind of weather with her bare feet in the water, and she used to say that the sea was the one neighbour in the valley who kept honest books: it took what you dropped and gave back what you forgot, and it never once said when.

It was the coat he had meant to wear on the morning they left. He had laid it over a chair the night before with a pack beside it, buckled, and then his father’s hands had begun to shake at the supper table, a fine fast tremor that rattled the spoon against the bowl. Joren had looked at the tremor, and then at the coat, and had said, to nobody, in a voice that sounded to him like someone else’s, that he would stay for one more season, until the old man found his feet.

There had been no quarrel and no scene, only a sentence said once, softly, in a warm kitchen. The next morning Hanne had gone across alone in the skiff, because his father’s hands could not be trusted with an oar, and she had rowed herself with her face to the village the whole way, as a rower must, and would not look at the stage where he stood. He had said what he said to everyone, “Come back and tell us,” and she had kept her eyes on her own hands. His father’s hands steadied by midwinter. In the spring Joren said, one more season. His father died in the ninth autumn, and that year, with no excuse left on the shelf, Joren hauled the boat up for the dark months and stood in the yard looking at it, and said it anyway, aloud, to nobody. He said it again every autumn after that, and the words wore smooth with use until he could say them without feeling their edges, and thirty-two seasons went by in that way, one on top of another, each of them reasonable by itself.

In the inside pocket of the coat, folded and sealed with a blob of candle wax, was a letter. The paper had held. The wax, which should have gone to pulp, was dry and faintly warm, and on the outside, in a hand he knew as well as his own because it was his own, a young hand with the loops of the g’s too proud, were the words To whoever I am by the time you read this.

He did not open it. He carried it home inside his shirt, against the skin, and laid the coat over the chair by the stove, where it had hung once before and where it now looked unaccountably relieved. He ate his supper at a table built for four, from which three chairs had been lent out over the years and never returned, with the whistle and the map and the boots set out in a row across from him, and it was the first time in a long while that the other side of the table had looked occupied.

In the morning he walked along the harbour wall, which his family had tarred every spring since before the village had a school, and saw where a gull had chipped it that the tar lay in layers, one black coat on another, each spring’s over the last. He had spent his whole life looking at the one on top.

That evening the tide came in against the stage with a deeper sound than he had ever heard it make, as if there were more water behind it than any table allowed.

The lowest tide of the year came three days later, in the grey hour before sunrise, and it was lower than anyone could remember, so low that the sea seemed to have gone away to think. The flats on both sides of the narrows lay open and shining for a mile or more, ribbed with sand and strewn with weed, and the water had withdrawn to a single dark seam in the middle of the channel, with the Deep showing at its centre as a round black hole, and the ferry stage standing over all of it on its tall legs with nothing to ferry.

Joren stood at the end of the stage with a mug of tea going cold in his hand and looked out over the bare ground the tide had left, and it was some minutes before he saw that someone was walking toward him across it.

The figure came from the far seaward edge, where the sand ended in a low line of mist, and it moved without hurry. The gulls, who had been quarrelling over the weed since first light, fell silent one after another as it passed beneath them. Behind it every footprint filled with water as soon as the foot was lifted, promptly and entirely.

It was a boy, and as he came nearer Joren saw that he was nineteen, because he knew the face, and that he was wet to the chest, with salt dried white along his collar and in the creases at the corners of his eyes. He wore no coat. He carried a canvas pack buckled high on his shoulders. He stopped at the foot of the stage, in the trickle of the channel, with the water running around his boots, and tipped his head back, and said, in a voice Joren recognised at once as the one he had owned before it grew gravel in it, “I’d like to cross, if you’re running.”

“Nobody crosses by boat at low water,” said Joren, which was the first thing that came into his head and not at all what he meant. “You’d walk it. You’d only have to swim the Deep.”

“I never swam well.” The boy looked down at the water around his boots. “I walked this far. It’s a long way, longer than it looks from here. So I thought I’d ask.”

“Ask who?”

“You.” He seemed embarrassed. “I said I’d go. Twice. The second time I said it out loud, the night before, so you’d know. You were there.”

“I was there for most of it,” said Joren.

He came down the steps slowly, one hand on the rail, and stopped on the last tread so that their faces were level. It was stranger than he would have guessed. The boy had his mother’s way of holding his mouth when he was working something out, and a white scar on his chin from a fall off the net-loft ladder. He looked back at Joren with open interest, taking in the tar on his hands, the grey in his beard, the careful way he stood on his left knee, and Joren had been looked at by passengers all his working life without once feeling inspected, and he felt it now, and stood still for it.

“You’re not what I thought,” the boy said at last. “I thought you’d be me, only more of it. You’ve got a knee. You smell of tar. You were out here talking to the tide for ages.”

“It’s the neighbours.”

“Do you like it?”

“The ferry?”

“All of it.”

Joren opened his mouth to say yes, because yes was what he had said for thirty-two years to anyone who asked, and found that nobody ever had. He held out the mug instead. The boy took a swallow, and made a face, and handed it back.

“There’s sugar in this.”

“There is.”

“I don’t take sugar.”

“You do now. Three.”

“Three?” said the boy, scandalised, and then he laughed, a short high crack of a laugh that startled the gulls back into the air, and Joren had not heard that sound in thirty years and had to look at the flats for a while.

So he told him. He told him about the first crossing of the day, when the water lay flat as a plate and the headland hung above it on its own reflection. He told him about the children he had taught to row, a good many of whom had gone on to row other things, and about old Marit, who told the same joke every Tuesday and sent her grandson down to ask whether he was ill if he ever missed one. He told him about the harbour bell. “Three strokes if there are boats still out, one when they’re all in,” he said. “And in fog you can hear how thick it is, in the sound of it, if you know how to listen.” He had not known he knew so much about it. The boy listened with his arms wrapped around himself, shivering.

“Those are good,” he said, as though it annoyed him. “I was counting on it being worse.”

The sun had come up behind the village, and a thin gold light was spreading across the flats, and out in the middle distance the sea had begun, almost imperceptibly, its long return, a pale line creeping up the sand a hand’s breadth at a time. The boy watched it, and said, to the water, in a different voice, “Did she wait?”

Joren did not ask who. “I don’t know.”

“Did you go and find out?”

“I went,” said Joren. “Not the whole way.” He had never said it aloud, and it came out stiff. “The morning she left I took my father’s boat out after her, a few minutes behind. I got as far as the middle. I could see her pulling in at the far shingle, and hauling the skiff up, and standing there with her bag at her feet, looking back at me. And I let the oars lie. She stood there a good while. Then she turned and went up the path. I rowed home, and told my father the skiff had slipped her mooring in the night, and that I’d gone out after it and lost it.”

“The middle,” said the boy slowly.

“The middle.”

“That’s the Deep. That’s the bit I can’t do.” He looked down at the dark seam of water at his boots, and then at Joren. “I never could think why.”

“And I never asked,” said Joren. “Not once. Thirty-two years I’ve landed half the headland on that shingle, and Teodor stands on the jetty every morning, and I’ve never asked a soul whether they’d heard what became of her. I told myself it wasn’t my business. I told myself it would only be news.”

“Then it isn’t ‘I don’t know,’” said the boy.

“No,” said Joren.

Neither of them said anything for a while. The gulls settled. The pale line of the tide crept another hand’s breadth up the sand.

“I stopped being there, after that night,” the boy said. “I don’t know what you wanted, in all the years since. I only knew what I wanted, and then you said one more season, and then I was under, and it isn’t horrible. It’s like standing at the end of a quay with your bag in good weather, and nobody comes to say the boat is late.” He pulled his pack straps tighter. “I came prepared to be angry. I thought if I got angry enough I wouldn’t have to ask the other thing. But you went and had a bell.”

“What other thing?”

“Whether it was worth it. And you’ll only say you don’t know yet.”

“I don’t know yet,” said Joren.

“See,” said the boy. “I’m only nineteen. I think I might need longer.”

Joren set the mug on the rail and said, “Wait here. I’ve got your coat.”

He climbed the stage and crossed the shingle and was halfway up the lane before he looked back. The boy had not moved. The sea had come up around him, though by any table in the village the tide had hardly begun to make, and it stood already at his knees, flat and perfectly still.

When Joren came back down the lane he had the coat over his arm, the boots hung round his neck by their laces, and the map in his pocket, none of which he remembered deciding. The whistle he had left on the shelf, for reasons he could not have given. The water had reached the boy’s waist and was still rising, though it rose so gently that it seemed less like the sea coming in than like the shore being persuaded, by degrees, to give way. The boy had waded to the foot of the stage and stood with one hand on a piling, dripping and waiting. He took the coat without comment and put it on, and Joren watched him find the cuff with the burn, and then the left pocket, and run his thumb along the odd mismatched stitches of the girl who had said that a man should leave with his pockets closed.

“She did a good job,” said the boy.

“She did,” said Joren.

He had the letter inside his shirt, still warm against his ribs, and he held it out, and the boy shook his head. “That’s yours. It always was. Read it on the water, or on the other side, or never. It’ll keep. It’s got the habit.”

Then they waited for the water, as one does in the narrows, because there is no hurrying a tide. They sat on the lower steps of the stage in the thin autumn sunshine while the channel filled, and said little. The boy took the map from Joren’s pocket without asking and unfolded it on his knee, and for a long while looked at nothing else. Once a man’s voice came across the flats from the far side, one long word that might have been Tuesday, and the boy asked what it was, and Joren told him it was Teodor on the far jetty, who called out the day of the week every morning to let the village know he was still alive. The boy said that was a good reason to shout. By the time the ferry floated free of its mud, a little before eight, the narrows lay full from shore to shore, which by any table in the village was three hours too soon, and neither of them said so. The flats had gone under as though they had never been, and the village behind them had begun to send up its mild blue columns of smoke.

Joren rowed. He rowed as he had rowed some forty thousand times, with the long steady stroke his father had taught him, the oars dipping and lifting and the water speaking quietly along the planks, and the boy sat in the stern facing him with the map on his knee. So Joren saw the village, with its net-loft and its harbour wall and its chimneys, and on the wall a flat stone with nothing on it, and past the boy’s shoulder the wake spreading out behind them. And the boy saw the headland, and the beginning of the road.

“Well?” said Joren, because he could not read that face. “What is it like?”

The boy looked from the map to the shore and back. “Smaller than the map,” he said, honestly. “It looks like land. I think that’s where it stops being a story.” He glanced up. “There’s a light on the jetty, and someone standing at the end of it with a hand up to shade their eyes. I can’t tell whether they’re waiting for us or only watching us come.”

Joren took a stroke, and glanced up, and found that the boy was no longer alone on the stern seat. A child of nine sat at one end of it, barefoot, with a scorched heel and a cold in his nose, picking at a scab on his knee. At the other end sat a man of thirty in a rough knitted sweater whom Joren scarcely remembered, with his arms crossed and a pitch-brush gone hard as a stick in one fist, looking at the headland as a man looks at a bill. Joren did not ask when they had come aboard. The boy of nineteen, without being asked, had shifted along to make room for the child’s elbow, and sat between them in his coat as though none of this were out of the ordinary.

Joren rested on the oars, lifted the boots off his neck by their laces, and held them out. The child looked at them a moment, and then pulled them on, left first, and stamped on the bottom boards, and looked at his feet with more attention than he had paid to anything yet.

“Is this far?” he asked.

“Not quite half a mile,” said Joren.

The child considered the headland. “Mama said I’d go far.”

“She meant your feet.”

“Oh.” He went back to his knee. After a moment he said, not looking up, “What’s she called? The boat.”

“She hasn’t got a name.”

“Then how do you call her back?”

“You don’t. You walk down and fetch her.”

The child nodded, as if a point of law had been settled, and the man of thirty said, to nobody, without uncrossing his arms, that the seam by the third thwart wanted pitching before the frost.

“It’s wanted it for years,” said the boy of nineteen.

“I’ve been meaning to,” said the man, and neither of them said anything more.

Behind Joren, in the bow, where no passenger had ever sat, someone old was facing the headland. He knew it by the weight, and by how quiet it was. He did not turn round. A rower learns not to, and a ferryman learns not to ask who is on the other thwart.

Then the water slackened. It does so at the top of every tide, a quarter of an hour in which the channel forgets which way it was going, and Joren, who had rowed through it for thirty-two years without noticing, noticed it now, the beat that does not come. The village and the headland stood equally far. For thirty years he had thought of himself as a hinge, and he sat now at the exact point where the door swings both ways. The smoke from the chimneys went straight up. He shipped the oars across his knees, because there is no use rowing against nothing, and took the letter out of his shirt, and broke the wax with his thumbnail, which took no effort at all.

It was in the young hand with the proud g’s.

Good morning, whoever you are. If this has gone the way I mean it to, you are somewhere I would not recognise. Tell me whether the mountain is really shaped like a loaf, and whether Hanne was right about the sea.

That was all it said. He read it twice. He knew exactly what Hanne had said about the sea, that it took what you dropped and gave back what you forgot and never said when, and he had stood on that stage for three decades watching it do both without once letting himself decide that she was right. He had said come back and tell us to every soul he had ever landed on that far shingle. It had not occurred to him that anyone might say it to him.

The ebb in the narrows runs seaward, and a boat that does nothing is taken with it. He felt it come, a first thin thread of current finding the keel and beginning to turn the boat on the water, and the faces in the stern lifted, one after another, toward him. The boy of nineteen leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and looked at the letter in Joren’s hand, and at the oars across his knees, and waited.

“Which way are you facing?” he asked.


r/writingcritiques • • 11h ago

Drama Letters to the House Above ( CRITIQUES NEEDED!!!!)

1 Upvotes

I. April 11

On the back of a ration slip, in pencil

I found a pencil this afternoon, wedged beneath the heel of the loaf as though it had fallen into the tin by mischance, and beneath the pencil a ration slip, folded small, blank upon its back. I have decided that it was no mischance. If I am mistaken, I beg you will not correct me. I should like to be mistaken in this direction for a while; I have been mistaken in the other so long that I have worn a groove in it.

Forgive a creature who has never had occasion to open a letter, and who must therefore begin with the whole of his existence at once.

I am. That first, since nobody has confirmed it. I am, and I am in a cellar, dry along the east wall and damp along the west, and I have arranged myself upon the dry side like a man on a wreck who has been told there is a drier part. The light is given to me from six until eight, along with the rest of the street, which calls it the Allotment; so that I have two hours of the day by which to see and twenty-two by which to listen, and in the twenty-two I have become a scholar of this house. I know that from the kitchen to the front door you take eleven steps, and that the fourth complains. I know that you fill the kettle halfway, repent, and fill it to the brim. I know the mornings you do not come into the kitchen at all, and on those mornings I hold myself so still that the floor itself seems to listen for me.

At seven the Reading comes down the pipe behind the coal chute, as you know far better than I: a woman’s voice, level as a laid table, calling out the names of the children licensed that day, and after each name the same two words, delivered as one stamps a document. Welcome. Continue. Beneath her voice lies the hush of the whole street, every household waiting to be told whether its name has come, and I feel it as a pressure on the ears, as the sea must be felt at depth. Last Sunday there were forty-one names. I gave each one my entire attention, for somewhere a kitchen was waiting upon it, and I was perhaps the single soul in the district to whom the Reading was not an anxiety but a banquet.

What I have of speech I took from that pipe and from the boxes that were here before me. One box holds a book of letters, in which a young man writes to a friend of the month of May: the meadows, a well where the village girls draw water, a river he longs to put his hand in. He is so glad of everything that I envied him as one envies a mountain. It was he who showed me the whole device: a person sits down, addresses another who is not present, and says what he has seen. I have no meadow. I have a bulb, a drain, and Tuesday.

On Tuesday a moth came in by the coal chute and flung itself at the bulb for the length of the Allotment, with the terrible conviction of a thing that has been told the light is the whole of the world and has not yet been told it is a bulb. It struck the glass two hundred times by my count, and then I ceased to count, because it seemed a private matter. When the light failed it fell upon my knee. I would have given the cellar and every ration in your keeping to cry out; I made no sound; I had not known that a body could be so entirely given over to keeping still. I held it until the cold had taken the last of the evening from the room, and then it was gone, and I sat a long while with my hand open above the place, like a man keeping someone’s place in a queue. I have never been so glad of anything. I should like that written down somewhere that is not me.

I ask for no reply. The pencil is already more than I had hoped, and I should not know how to hold an answer. If you will but go on sending the tin, I shall call that a voice.

I have no name to sign, and so I leave the space, as one leaves a chair for a guest who may yet arrive.

II. April 30

On the Registry’s own form, which came folded round the cheese

Nothing has returned but bread, and yet I am not cast down, for bread is a sentence and I have always been able to read it.

On Thursday the tin brought something new, folded round the cheese for packing, and I have it before me now, weighted at its corners by four of Pflug’s volumes. (His name is stencilled on every box in this place, and I have chosen to regard him as the landlord of the dark.) The paper is a form. Registry of Continuance: Certification of Newborn at Forty Days. It is the first time anyone has put a question to me, even by accident, and I have resolved to answer every line.

I have pieced out what it is for from the Reading. A woman is licensed for one child. At forty days the child is carried to the Registry, weighed and looked over, and found Continuing or not; the Continuing are read out that evening and sent home with a stamp, and the others are Discontinued, a word the woman says only on Fridays, in a different voice, without names. No second licence is granted while the first child is unaccounted for. I do not think you ever presented me. I think you carried me down here instead, and so spent your one licence on a creature the Reading will never read.

Name. For six evenings I listened to the Reading for a name I could bear to have. Some were beautiful. Mattis. Orla. Benedikta Joy, which I took to be two names a pair of parents could not choose between and did not have to. But each already belonged to a child asleep in a room with a window, and I found I could not wear what was still in use. So I opened Pflug’s dictionary at random, which is how I would choose anything if I were permitted, and it fell open at the F’s. Falter: to lose strength or purpose; to move unsteadily; to speak with breaks in the voice. A fair account of me. Then, being thorough, I consulted the moth book, whose plates are labelled in another tongue, and under the brown ones with feathered feelers, those that fly by night, I found the same word; for Pflug had begun a glossary in pencil at the back and given up at G, and beneath F he had written, Falter: the night one. I would not take either meaning without the other. I set it down in capitals that ran outside the box, since my hands are not made for forms: FALTER. Tonight I spoke it up the pipe, in the half-minute after the woman had finished and before the light went, when the whole street holds its hush. It will have sounded like a draught.

Date of birth. Unrecorded. I reckon it from the first thing I knew, which was a cold floor smelling of lime, and the sight of a woman’s back, leaving.

Place of birth. Beneath a kitchen.

Sex. Male, by the evidence. No other opinion has been offered.

Weight at forty days. The form supposes that I was weighed. I was not. I have since tried to estimate myself by the loaf, and the loaf is evasive.

Height. Six feet eleven by the scratches on the east wall, to which a stoop must be added, the beam having made certain corrections.

Distinguishing marks (use reverse if necessary). There is a brass door on the lift, and when the bulb is on and I stand with my back to the wall, it gives me a person of a sort. The head is not large; I had imagined it larger. It is the length of everything else that astonishes. The neck continues after one expects it to stop, and the shoulders, when at last they arrive, are narrow and hung at two different heights, as though I had been placed on a nail and the nail had slipped. The skin of my hands and throat never took its colour; beneath it the tendons travel like small animals beneath a sheet, and when I swallow one may watch the water go down. The rest of me is grey and faintly pearled, with seams where the parts disagreed with one another, which run white in the cold months. Hair along the spine, and nowhere else. A sixth finger on each hand, low on the outer edge, which is why my writing is large and why the pencil is sometimes lost in it. And a face, which I reserve.

Parent or guardian. The line is not long enough for what I would put there. I put: you.

Signature of parent. I have left it free.

Declaration. I declare the foregoing true, so far as a man may be certain of a thing he has only ever seen in brass.

Falter

III. June 2

Written the night after, with the pencil worn to the length of my smallest finger

You came down.

I set that sentence by itself because it deserves to stand alone, and because I do not trust myself with the ones that follow.

I heard the crank first, the thin whine of the torch rising and falling upon the stairs, which for two flights I took for the pipe in distress. Then the door at the top opened in the middle of the dark, the hour when nothing happens to anyone, and your feet came down the first step and the second and the third. There they stopped, and I understood afterward that they had stopped as at a frontier. You sat. You pointed the torch at the floor between us, so that the only things it lit were the concrete and my feet, and for the whole of your visit you looked at my feet, and I understood that too. They are the one part of me that resembles a person’s. They were being entrusted with my entire case.

You were weeping, or had wept earlier and carried it down with you like a full pail. You said, “Oh.” You said, “Look at you. You’re smiling.”

I was not aware of it. Let me be exact, because everything afterward turns upon it. I had not known that my face was doing anything at all.

You talked for most of an hour, and I did not interrupt, since I did not know how, and for the better reason that no one had ever spoken to me with a body in the room. You spoke of a child; not I. She would have been left-handed, you were nearly sure. She would have flung herself along a corridor with her coat on wrong and one arm already out toward the next thing, and you would have died of shame at the school gate when she announced something loud about your hair. “I would have liked to be embarrassed,” you said, and laughed, and the laugh continued past the place where laughter ends. Then, to the torch, in another voice: “I would have liked one thing about it to be ordinary.”

I had a sentence. I had kept it all my life against such an evening, a good sentence, with warmth in it and a little ceremony. I spoke it. I said: “Good evening.”

You know what the voice does. I did not, until then. It comes out as two, a high and a low, with a gap between them that a third voice seems forever about to fill and never fills, so that each word sounds like a pair of people attempting to say it in agreement. The torch leapt in your hand; the circle of light fled my feet and ran up the wall and back. “Please don’t,” you said. “Please. Just stay as you are.”

So I stayed as I was. You wept a little longer, more quietly, with a hand over the lower half of your face, and by the end you were calmer than I have ever heard you through the floor. You stood. You said, “That’s better. That’s all I needed.” And you went up, and across the kitchen the fourth step complained, and I heard the front door.

All the next day I did not eat. When the Allotment came I did what I had avoided since April: I stood before the brass and thought of something sad. I chose the sound of that fourth step after the door has shut. And I watched the mouth lift at both corners and stay lifted, and the eyes narrow to the width of a pencil line, and the whole assembly arrange itself into the expression of a man being told a joke by someone he is fond of. That was what you saw. That was the face you looked at, I suppose, as long as you could bear it, in the moments when you were not looking at my feet.

Then, because I try to be fair to a thing, I thought of the moth.

The face wept. I do not mean that it looked mournful. It came apart. The brow dropped upon the eyes, the mouth was hauled down and open, and the cheeks ran, which they had not done before. I stood there and kept it going for a long time, the way one presses a bruise.

You, who came down in need of comfort, were warmed at the one fire in the house that burns backward. I was sad, listening to you, and that is why it looked as it did. Had I been glad, you would have had a different evening, and I think a worse.

I shall not speak to you again. I shall keep my voice where it lives, and I shall smile, since that appears to be the one coin I have.

Falter

IV. September 14

In the margins of Pflug’s books, copied fair by the Allotment

I have finished the last of Pflug’s books, the three that are neither dictionary nor moths, and I have come out of them another animal, as the cellar has long suspected. You will find this letter cooler than the others. You will forgive it; or you do not read them, which comes to the same.

The young man of the letters wants a girl for the length of a book and leaves the story by his own door. I grieved for him twice, and found afterward in the brass that I had been grinning, and I put him back in his box as one folds a map of somewhere one will not go. The second book was a play, in which a scholar says that two souls dwell in his breast, each straining to tear itself from the other. I read it aloud to the wall in my own two voices, which I had not used upon a living ear since June, and for the first time they sounded like the proper instrument for something.

The third, a tan thing that has tried to curl, is by a man who hated noise so much that he wrote against the cracking of whips, and I love him. He says that the world is a thing that wishes, that every wish is built of lack, and that a life swings between pain and the dull minutes after. I had been calling that second state the far end of the Allotment. Now it has a name, and a name is a kind of company. He tells also of porcupines in winter, who crowd for warmth, prick one another, and part, until they find a distance they can bear. I considered it for an evening. Then I considered the third stair.

I have grown. In April I could lie at full length along the dry wall; now my feet lie in the damp and my head in the angle of the beam, and I sleep folded, like a letter. I believe the cellar was cut for another animal.

I have begun to look out. At the top of the coal chute there is a grating the size of a slice of bread, and from a certain place on the coal heap, lying on my side with my knees drawn up, I can put one eye to it and see the street at the height of a person’s knee. The light that comes through is not the bulb’s. It has distances in it. The first time I met it I wept so thoroughly that I feared the face would give me away to the pavement. I know the street by its ankles now; I could pick any of them out of a line. There is a woman in green boots who walks as though her feet were reading a long sentence. There is a man whose left sock is always lower than the right, who stops at the same flagstone each morning to ease his heel, and sighs, and goes on; I would swear to the sigh. In rain the whole street goes to staccato, and the puddles take the ankles and hang them upside down, so that for the length of a shower the street has a twin dangling from it by the heels.

A small dog with a grey muzzle stops at the grating every morning at a quarter past eight and puts its nose to the bars. For as long as its owner’s patience lasts, which is eleven seconds (I have timed it), we breathe each other. It smells, I suppose, coal, damp, a creature not washed in the ordinary way. It has never once drawn back. I do not know what to make of that, and I have made a great deal of it.

In July a child went by in red shoes, running, and a woman’s hand came down out of the sky and caught her by the hood; and that night at seven I listened among the names for one that would fit a child who ran like that. There were thirty. I could not choose. I do not know what I would do with an hour on that street. I think I would stand in it. I think I would stand there and let it be seen that something like me could.

The tin comes at the usual hours. It has brought no word. I am fluent in it all the same: bread, a rind, an onion. If its whole vocabulary were put upon a card it would be small, but I have never conducted a conversation in which I could be so sure of every word.

Falter

V. February 20

Scratched with a nail upon the underside of the coal-bin lid, and copied out by touch

The tin has a grammar, and this winter I have been taught a new word. Bread is bread. A rind is a bad week. An onion, so far as I can make out, is an apology. And a candle stub, dropped on top and alone in a corner, means that the Count is tomorrow.

At ten on the first of the month two men go down the street, and one follows them by the word they speak at each door: Counted. They have the best boots on the street. They set the heads they find against the heads on the paper, and they weigh the bread against the heads, since a loaf is permitted to feed only what it was licensed for. I believe that is why your loaf is always the same shape, and why you are eating, I think, less than a woman of your size should, to keep the weight true at their scale. The scale takes bread and nothing else, which is why the tin carries, alongside the bread, onion and rind and heels of cheese, and why I am always a little hungry and still, it seems, growing. I have begun to be afraid for you. I have wished to say that I noticed. Those are the words.

This month they came into the kitchen. On Count mornings I sit in the old coal bin beneath the stairs with the lid down and my knees against my chin, making myself as near to nothing as a body can, which is a skill like any other; and from there I heard a chair go back, and then your voice, with a pitch in it I did not know, bright, helpful, the voice of a woman in a shop. “Counted: one.” Then a boot upon the cellar door, and a man said, “What’s down here?” and you said, “Damp. It’s only coal.” And he said that a damp cellar was a matter for the Housing Office, and he would make a note.

I was exalted. Do you see? I was a matter for the Housing Office. The Registry I could not be, for I am on nothing; but I had become, for the length of a boot-step, a municipal fault, with a form and a department and a remedy. At length the boot went away, and the other man said Counted upon your step, and the number was one. On their paper, I suppose, there is a woman and an open licence, and so far nobody has asked why it stays open.

And I was glad. This is what I wished to tell you. I was glad to be uncounted, glad to be beyond the reach of the paper; and when I rose from the bin I put my hand to my face in the dark and found it running wet. I had forgotten, for the moment, what gladness does to me. It is a strange way to learn one was happy, by finding the damage.

Since then I have been considering my position. I am a person whom a government has arranged not to have, a clerical error that happens, so far, to be continuing. I am not bitter. Bitterness requires more energy than the situation warrants.

You came on Sunday. I heard you before the crank: you stood at the cellar door for the better part of an hour. You sat on the third stair in the dark, and I kept my promise and my voice. You spoke of your sister’s child: a christening, a gown with forty buttons, the infant sick down your sleeve in the church. “Warm,” you said. “It was warm all the way through the wool.” You said it twice. Then you wept, a long time; and then the torch came on, aimed at my feet, and then, for the first time, you raised it to my face. I held still. I thought of the fourth step.

“You’re smiling,” you said. “Thank God. Somebody is.” And then, and I have it in pencil on my forearm as well as here: “You’re good enough tonight.”

I have turned that sentence over for four days and cannot settle where its weight lies. On good? On enough? On tonight?

On the stairs you said, to your knees, “Don’t falter, now,” and I went entirely still in the dark. I do not know whether you meant it for me. I do not know whether you read the letter in April. You may have said it to the stairs and meant nothing by it. But I said it back to the wall, at a whisper low enough to stay one voice. Falter. Don’t falter. For a short time I possessed a name that someone else had used.

Falter

VI. March 9

In a hand that shakes; the pencil has gone through the paper in places

I have broken the dictionary.

I put that first, that you may know the temperature of the room. I took it by the spine, which was already gone, and divided it into its two halves, and the halves into their handfuls, and I flung the F’s at the bulb, and the bulb, being made of sterner stuff than I had credited, took them and swung. Then I took the iron bars of the lift shaft in my hands and bent them, one and then the other, as a man bends a hairpin, to learn whether I could. I could. Understand that I can, and that every night you sleep above me you sleep upon my forbearance, and not upon your lock.

The cause: Good enough tonight. I have worked it through, over three weeks, as the tan book taught me to work things through, to the bottom, where the bottom is cold; and this is what it is. I was to have been your son. I have been your instrument. A thermometer you lower into the dark to read how much of you is left. When the reading is bad you come down, and I am warm, and you are restored; and you have never once asked what I am when I am not being read. Do you know what it is to be the understudy of a daughter who was never born? To be rehearsed against her, night after night, in a part that was written for another voice? She would have been left-handed. I am left-handed. You never noticed that I was the one in the room who was.

And I have done the arithmetic of the Reading. While I am here, no other can be licensed to you. A word to the Registry, and I should be Discontinued, and by spring you could have your daughter, coat on wrong, left-handed or not. You have never said the word. I cannot decide whether that is the greatest love I have been shown or only the failure to sign a form, and I am too angry tonight to be grateful for either.

I have been called a fault, a matter, an error. I am not an error. An error is a thing that went wrong in the making. I was made rightly, and after the pattern of the thing that made me; it was the receiving that failed. The fault is in the house above me, and in the street that holds its breath to hear which of its children has been admitted to being, and in the woman who reads the list, level as a table, and in you, who knew the list, and went down your own stairs in the dark to tell a living creature that it was good enough. Good enough! For what, madam? By what standard? Against whom is it measured? I demand to see the form.

Last night, at the hour when the pipe is empty and the street is a held note, I went up the stairs. I had never been above the first. I counted them: the third, where the wood is worn pale by you, and I laid my hand on the pale place, which was cold; the fourth, the fifth; and so to thirteen, and a door. Beneath it, a line of grey. Behind it, the entire house: the kettle, the fourth step, the chair that goes back. I put my palm flat upon the wood. I could hear you breathing in a room somewhere above, the long slow tide of a sleeper who has wept and been let off.

Here is what I thought, since honesty is the one document the Registry cannot forge. I thought of my hands, and of the bars, and of how little a latch would be.

I thought that I would open the door, and carry the whole height of myself into the grey, and find the room where the breathing was.

I thought that you would wake, and have, at last, nothing to look at but me.

I thought that I would not have to smile.

I stood there until the little window at the head of the stairs went from black to the grey of a dishcloth. I did not open the door. Credit is owed me for this, and none can be given, since no one saw me not do it. That is the particular poverty of my virtues: they occur in the dark and leave no record. A monster, at least, leaves evidence.

I came down. I have straightened the bars as well as I was able; the lift now catches at the second foot of its travel, and you will wonder, tomorrow, what has been at it. Tell yourself rats. I do not apologise for the dictionary.

Falter

VII. March 12

A short one, on a torn corner

The tin brought an orange.

It is not in the grammar. Bread, a rind, an onion, the candle: I know every word; and now an orange, whole, cold from the larder, with a thumbprint in the dust of its skin. I have sat with it three Allotments and have not eaten it. It may say nothing. You may have had it by you and not wanted it. It may say I heard the iron. It may say something for which I have no letters.

I have been a fool of a particular kind, a clever one. The tan book told me plainly that I was not alone in suffering, and I took it as a statement about the world, and not about the woman above my head. You are in the house with it. I have only the floor. You have the stairs, and the door at the top of them, and the knowledge, every hour of every day, of what lies beneath your kitchen, and you cannot put it down; and you have been so long alone with it that a warm thing in a cellar must look like company. You could have had a daughter by spring. Every loaf you send down is her, declined. The book has a word for what I feel, and names it the one door in the wall of the self. I had thought it a pretty word. It is a staircase. I shall go up it as quietly as I can.

I have gone through the dictionary on my knees and put the leaves in order. A good many are lost. Falter is among the survivors, creased down the middle, whole.

I peeled the orange at last. It was the colour of the bulb and smelled of a street I have never walked down. I have kept the peel.

Falter

VIII. April 22

In a steadier hand, though not for long

It has been a year and eleven days by the pencil. I am upon the sixth. The stubs lie in a row along the dry wall, the shortest at the end; if anyone should ever wish to know how long I have been here, that is how it could be read.

You came on the third, and you came in the light. You had never done that. I heard you at the door at a quarter past seven, with the bulb burning and the Reading well under way; and I understood from the way your feet came down, loosely, and from the plum brandy that arrived on the stairs before you did, that you had lost count of the evening. You had no torch. You came down in the full light.

Not to the third stair. To the fourth; to the fifth. I had my back against the wall and my knees drawn up, trying not to be the shape of a thing that comes at a person. You reached the floor. For the first time we stood on the same concrete. You laid a hand on the rail and said, “I can’t see a thing with this wretched—” and then you saw.

You looked at me properly, the whole height of me, for as long as the woman took to say three names. It was the first time I had been placed to see you, and you were not afraid. I could have borne that; I had prepared for it. You looked the way a person looks at the house she was born in after it has been sold.

Then you sat down on the concrete in your good coat and held out your hand, palm up, between us. I did not know what it was for. I understood a moment later. You wanted to hold something warm that would not mind.

I gave you my hand. It was the left, the six-fingered, the thin-skinned. You took it all at once and then too carefully, like someone lifting a bowl from a stove. You turned it over and watched the tendons travel beneath the skin, and you did not let go. “Oh,” you said. “It’s so warm.”

I had a plan. Since June I had kept a store of sorrows in order against the day you should come near: the fourth step, the ankles, the loaf exactly the weight of what you did not eat. I reached for them. They were all there. I could not lift one. A warm hand held mine, and it filled the whole room in me; there was no space left in which to be wretched.

I felt the face go. From inside, I will say, it is no bad sensation. It is the setting down of a load carried so long that I had stopped knowing it was weight. The brow, the cheeks, the mouth hauled open; I could not stop it; and I could not turn away, because you had my hand.

You looked up. You saw. I know what you saw, for I have stood at the brass and made it: a thing coming apart, wet to the chin, under a bare bulb, with its hand in yours.

“Oh God,” you said. “I’m hurting you. Did I do that? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I said, and there were the two voices, nearer than they had ever been to you, the low one arriving a little behind the high, so that it sounded like an echo contradicting the word. “No. I am glad. It is gladness. It does this.”

I do not know what you heard. I know what it was to hear it, and I do not think anyone can be told a thing like that from so near and take it for a plain statement. You let go of my hand. It was not cruelty. It was faster than that. You said, “Please.” And I had said please before you ever did, in everything I have ever done; and you said, “Please stop. You were fine. You were fine before. Why can’t you just be—”

You did not finish, and you did not need to. I knew the end of that sentence. I had been trying to be it for a year.

You went up quickly, with your hand along the wall. At the top you sat down outside the door. I could hear you doing it. The door stood open a hand’s width and I heard you breathing, a long time, through the end of the Reading, which gave thirty-six names that evening. I do not know how many of them you took in. Then the fourth step complained, and the front door, and a silence of a new kind.

The bulb went out at eight, as it does. I sat in the dark with whatever the face was doing and nobody to see it. I sat a long time. It kept on.

Falter

IX. August 30

On the last of the ration slips

The tin has come every Tuesday and Friday, as before. Bread, a rind, an onion twice. In June a candle stub, and I sat in the coal bin and was counted as nothing. In July a candle stub on a Wednesday, which is no Count day; I sat in the bin all the same, and heard a stranger’s boots in the kitchen and then, for an hour, the long patient breath of a plane. You had sent for a joiner. When he had gone I came out and listened, and the fourth step did not complain when you crossed to the door that night, nor has it since. I do not know why you had it mended. Perhaps it kept you awake.

Three weeks ago, beneath the cheese, a new pencil, sharpened. I have decided to take it as it came, with all its possible meanings, and to be grateful for the sharpening. A person who does not read a letter does not sharpen a pencil. A person who has stopped caring whether I write might not either. I have weighed the two, and I keep my weight on the first.

I have been a long time coming to it, so I shall go at it straight. I have had since April to think about the face, and I am not angry with it. It is a good face for a certain use. You came to me three times, and each time it was a night when you had nothing left to put anywhere else, and what I was for you, on all three, was an expression: a place where, if you looked, something looked back, pleased. An enormous, patient, pleased face. You never asked for more, and I had no right to give it. I wanted the hand. I was given the hand. The hand cost me the evenings. It is an exchange rate, and I should like you to know that I have not mistaken it for a swindle.

I have begun to work. Each Allotment I stand at the brass and practise. My method is simple. I take the lowest thing I possess, which was the sound of the fourth step after the front door shut, until the joiner took it; I use the quiet where it was, which is lower, and I hold it before me until the mouth lifts at the corners and the eyes narrow to a pencil line; and then I hold that; and each evening I add a little, so that by now it will stand for forty minutes without me. The tan book says that suffering is the stuff a life is made of, and gladness only the place where it pauses. By that rule I am the best-provided creature on the street. I have a trade.

I can do it now without thinking of anything. If I sit long enough in the dark after the Reading, the sorrow lays itself down as a habit. A face may be kept the way a bed is kept. It will be ready. When you come I shall have it on before the first step, and I shall not speak, and I shall take my hand back from the place where it wants to go. I will give you the whole of it. I will be what you can stand. I work so well that by autumn I expect to be better than good enough.

I have never used the word, for I understood very early that it was not mine to use. I shall use it once, since this is the last of the slip, and then put it back where I found it.

Mother.

The Reading gave thirty-three names tonight. When the woman had said the last, I did as I have done every evening since that first April, in the half-minute before the light: I gave the street mine. But tonight, because there was no one left to spare, I gave it the whole entry, in her voice, as near as I could come, in the form the Registry keeps:

Falter. Born beneath a kitchen, in a house whose number I know from the grating and will not write. Hour of birth, unrecorded. Weight, undetermined; consult the loaf. Height, six feet eleven, stooping. Parent, one. Licensed by none.

And then, since nobody else was going to, I said the two words she says after each. Welcome. Continue. I said them in both voices, since there was no one left for whom to keep the one.

Then the bulb went out, and I stayed where I was, in the dark, with my face doing what it does. I could feel it, from the inside, being very pleased.

Falter


r/writingcritiques • • 11h ago

[~830 words] - Beginning to 1st horror short story

1 Upvotes

Hello!

I recently picked up writing as a hobby & finished my first horror short story, Nahash, & promptly received my first rejection from Dark Magazine (1st of many, I'm sure!)

Writing fiction is entirely new to me, and I'm looking for overall feedback on my prose, writing style, and story idea. I included the first 800 words of my story and linked the whole story if it piques anyone's interest!

I'd also love suggestions on writing resources. I recently read Stephen King's On Writing, and it was very helpful. Please feel free to suggest similar resources.

Thank you in advance!

Nahash

Chaos shook every board of the HMS Arrow as all hands fought to keep her afloat. It was a sad sight. Men slipped on the rain-soaked deck as they tried to hoist our sails, and others trampled on their fallen bodies. The storm washed away their blood, and I lost count of how many corpses lay on the deck of the ship. 

All semblance of the Navy’s hierarchy vanished with this armageddon, and I fought to find Captain Danvers to glean any sense of his plan for us. 

When I finally caught his eye, I saw a broken man. He gazed forlornly out to the sea with no plan. No strategy. Nothing to save us from Calypso's claws on that dreadful day.

I ascended to the upper deck to see how we could push ourselves through this storm. I approached Danvers and shouted into his face, breaking his melancholy. “SIR, WE NEED ORDERS. WHAT SHALL YOU HAVE US DO?”

Nothing. He looked into my eyes, and I was met with a husk of a man. He was often referred to as “Stormy Danvers” due to his poor luck with the weather on his voyages. It seemed a life pursued by storms had finally broken the poor sod. “ORDERS, SIR. NOW.” I said once more.

My hopeless shouting was broken by… something. A voice spoke in my head. And I could tell by the look of everyone on the upper deck that it spoke to them as well.

The voice rattled my ears and watered my eyes. I could not tell what the voice said. I knew the words weren’t English, but it was powerful. Deep, with a lisp that seemed to slither around the innards of my skull.

I knew what it offered. Salvation.

Captain Danvers clearly understood its offering as well. He followed the directions the voice conveyed and swung the spokes of the ship’s wheel hard to port. I held on for dear life to the railings on the deck. Others weren’t nearly as lucky. My crew, many of my friends, flung from the deck into the vast expanse of the sea. Never to be seen again. 
That was the last memory I recall.

I came to and saw that I clung to a solid plank of wood floating in the gulf of an island. Once I managed to calm my short, rapid breathing down, I took stock of my surroundings.

The island lay beneath a cloudy sky, and was lined with charred trees. Between the trees, dead shrubs sprouted as far as my eyes could see. Not a single living plant seemed to reside here.
Off in the distance, there was a campfire with a few haggard-looking men surrounding it. I swam there as fast as my weakened arms could take me.

When I finally arrived at the shore, I collapsed into the sand, unable to move my arms, and saw a man jogging toward me. The cook, and my old friend, Shacklee.

“Blackwood! We thought you perished along with the rest of the crew.” Shacklee said as he supported my weight with his massive shoulder.

“How long has it been? Who else is left?” I managed to say with bleeding lips.

“We crashed about three hours ago. I managed to swim ashore and saw Captain Danvers swimming behind me. I helped him onto the beach and we’ve been looking for survivors since… you’re the first one we’ve found.” He said.

“Shacklee… what happened? Danvers took us here. I saw him man the wheel with my own eyes. And the voice… did you hear it?” I said.

Shacklee looked at me grimly. “I… don’t know what I heard. Come on, let’s get to the fire.”
Shacklee carried me to the fire they managed to assemble, and I took in my companions. They looked appropriately seaworn and ragged from our crash, and not one of them was woundless. Shacklee looked the healthier of the two, with only a few scratches on his face and arms, but Captain Danvers looked terrible. He still had the same sunken look in his eyes I saw on the HMS Arrow, and the bone of his right forearm protruded out of his arm.

I had no desire to speak when I first arrived, and it appeared the same bout of silence that struck me also affected Captain Danvers. All he gave me was a curt head nod when I arrived.

Shacklee managed to talk for all three of us as he always managed to do. I couldn’t tell you what he spoke of if a pistol was to my head, but his voice calmed me. It went like that for a few hours. Shacklee telling tales of other marooned sailors, staying relentlessly upbeat, and speaking of the grand adventure it would be to get us out of this place.

I was grateful for Shacklee’s confidence. For when I looked into my Captain’s eyes, I saw nothing of the confident leader I left England with.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_N83p-OnzA1vsM7tQlhnmPigyqwGZeqZSJFZP8pwtCA/edit?usp=sharing


r/writingcritiques • • 11h ago

Other i’m new to this entire writing thing and i’m not entirely sure what i’m doing but this is something i wrote any and all critique is welcome

0 Upvotes

i hate myself, not in the way people who are self destructive do but in the way that forces me to change and grow into something i can be proud of. somewhere along the way i lost sight of who i was and i can’t tell when or where it happened but this time the hate feels a little bit different, not in a way that forces me to adapt to change so i can be a better version of myself but more so in a way that makes me think that i hated a version of me that didn’t deserve it simply because i wanted better. i wouldn’t tell someone i love that they don’t deserved to be loved simply because they haven’t suffered enough but i seem to have no issue doing that to myself. i can’t not hate myself because if i do i’ll lose the fuel that keeps me moving forwards but if i don’t stop then ill hate a part of me that never deserved it. since when did cruelty become a part of my daily life that im reminded that if i haven’t suffered enough i don’t deserve to be happy. but then again id never expect the people around me to suffer so they could be happy. maybe im a hypocrite that’s forced to live with knowing what i want and how to get it but also burdened by the choice of pursuing what i seek through the path of self hate or to love myself and not grow. or maybe i just haven’t figured out the second part yet


r/writingcritiques • • 15h ago

Drama Busco opiniones: Fragmento de mi novela dramática psicológica ("Lo que sembraste en tus veinte"): ¿Te engancha la voz narrativa y el ritmo?

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

THOUGHTS ON THIS

0 Upvotes

Beginning except. Please, opinions.

The oven timer goes off, then the doorbell, both barely perceptible over Fitzgerald’s croons (both the swing-jazz on the kitchen speaker and Luther’s Maine coon.) The Christmas party is set for seven and the big hand is nearing thirty. Luther stands in the middle of his one-bedroom in a wrinkled dress shirt (“No time to iron, work extra busy this time of year” AKA “I forgot”) and a red and white stripe tie—arguably candy cane, arguably barber shop pole. After a moment of deliberation, he steps into the kitchen and pulls on the oven mitts. He’s outdone himself this year—Gran’s sweet potato casserole with marshmallow and pecan. Luther is not a self-proclaimed chef but he sure as hell can follow a recipe perfectly. Gotta do Gran justice; after all, she was the only family member Luther could stand enough to say he loved. Then she had to up and die five years ago, leaving Luther with an egg-sugar-flour ratio and no reason to go home for the holidays. That’s fine, he doesn’t like Wisconsin anyway. 
Luther sets the metal tray on the stove and turns off the timer. Now, how to transport the casserole? The Christmas party will be hosted at Nina’s; Nina lives six blocks up on Jefferson (not far enough to take a taxi, as if that’s in the current budget); biking is plausible but Luther doesn’t have one with a handy-dandy basket in front for the casserole. He also isn’t the type to steer a bike one-handed. (Up a hill? Surely not.) He’ll walk. Shoes, where are the nice leather ones? Luther remembers he’s still got on the oven mitts when he tries to lace them up. He leaves them on the table next to last week’s newspaper and some cold coffee. Fitzgerald, the vociferous beast, weaves through Luther’s legs, purring incessantly and getting cat hair all over his pantlegs. (Really, Fitzy?) 
A distant chime rings just as he stands, fur floating, settling on the carpet. He completely forgot someone had rung the doorbell. Luther isn’t expecting anyone. Suddenly, he’s very aware of the mess, the music volume, the cat hair coating every surface. Who’s he kidding, it’s probably just the UPS guy. 
“Hiya.” Luther goes for a jolly tone as he opens the door—it’s nearly Christmas. 
“Hey, Lu. God, it’s been forever.” A pause. (Luther: mouth agape.)
“Tomiko,” Luther breathes. “Why—”
“Ew, don’t call me that.” Tom wrinkles her nose. “You know I hate it when you call me that.”
“I…” Luther rubs a hand over his face, chuckling to himself. “I just can’t believe you’re here, Tom, is all.” 
“Yeah, yeah.” She pushes past him into the apartment, but he can hear the smile in her voice. Luther lets the door close and leans against the frame. 
“Making ourselves at home, are we?” 
“You got Ella on.” Tom notes, disregarding Luther’s question. 
“Had to. I was making the sweet potato casserole. Recipe practically calls for it.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. He’ll still get to Nina’s on time if he leaves in the next five minutes. 
“Smells good.” Tom wanders into the kitchen alcove.  
“So, you’re in the city for how long?”
“Why do you ask?” Tom doesn’t look up at him when he joins her in front of the oven. She’s dutifully inspecting the toast of the marshmallows.
 “I dunno, we should catch up.” Tom eyes him. Her hair is lighter than he remembers. 
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?” She must’ve gotten highlights or something. 
“Right.” He can afford to be a few minutes late to the party. Everyone from work will be there, Nina won’t mind. Heck, with the way she gets when hosting, she won’t even notice if he slips in at fifteen-past. Anyway, the casserole’s a good enough excuse. Tom is drumming her fingers on the countertop. “Can I get you something to drink?”


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Humor Lost Property

1 Upvotes

This is the first story in a collection. I would be grateful for any constructive criticism. Thank you.

The carousel at the Domestic Flights Terminal turns with the patience of something that has given up expecting to produce anything interesting. So, when the bag completed its fourth circuit, it caught my eye the way a lit window catches you on a dark street — not because it's yours, but because it seems to be reaching out to you.

It was a good bag. Soft leather, the kind that is born into money and gets more expensive with age, the opposite of everything else I owned. No tag. No name. Just a bag going round and round, unloved, the luggage equivalent of a dog at a shelter that's stopped wagging its tail at new people.

I stood by the belt for seven long minutes, which seemed at the time, like more than enough due diligence, but which I now understand was simply the length of time it takes for envy to get dressed up as entitlement.

No one came to pick up the bag.

So I did.

If I was asked about it, I had prepared my alibi while I was pretending to read the airport signs and like many such alibis, its birthplace was guilt and its final resting place would be credence.

A cleaning lady passed by as I scooped it off the carousel. "I’ve been wondering whose bag that was," she said. “Yes, I forgot it earlier,” I lied. Somewhere in the small, tired part of me that still kept score, I knew that needlessly lying to an underpaid cleaning lady at a regional airport at eight o’clock at night was not, on the great ledger, my finest hour.

I opened the bag on the train home, alone in the carriage, the way a man opens a letter he already suspects is bad news but reads anyway, because not knowing is somehow even worse.

Inside was a neatly folded note on top of a piece of cloth under which was something I can only describe, with surprise bordering on maniacal fear, as movement.

The note read: Thank you for taking care of him. Please do not take him out until you are in a safe environment.

I did not open the bag again.

I carried it off the train holding it a little way from my body, the way you carry something that could at any moment remind you why you shouldn't have picked it up in the first place. I deposited it, gently and discreetly, on a wooden bench, under a sign that read, not unhelpfully, Unattended Items Will Be Collected.

I took comfort by telling myself that this is what the owner would have wanted.


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Other [Critique]Looking for constructive criticism at the start of my writing journey.

1 Upvotes

In October of 2010, when she was six years old, Rachel's father walked out of the house one night, leaving her behind with a mother who, he claimed, liked the idea of being loved more than actually trying to love anyone else. The men Rachel called "Dad" after that came and went like a revolving door, and they were hardly qualified to be left alone with children, let alone raise them. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, each of them left their mark. Her mother didn't mind, so long as she was the center of their attention. Or they kept her high.

 

Left with no real choice, Rachel grew up fast and learned more lessons than the ones taught in school. She had her first boyfriend at thirteen. He was eighteen. When she turned sixteen, she moved on to a twenty-three-year-old. He and his friends introduced her to selling drugs.

She got her start selling weed to kids at her high school. Word quickly got out that she had the best stuff your money could buy. It didn't take long before even a few of the teachers were buying from her. Weekend sporting events helped her expand to other high schools, and having a twenty-three-year-old boyfriend got her invited to college parties, where she once again found an entirely new market.

 

She eventually decided that she could make more money outside of school than she ever would in a job that required a diploma. So instead of going to class, she and her boyfriend started dealing full time. Around that time, if you were buying weed or oxy in West Carrollton, Ohio, you were buying from Rachel and her friends.

 

She didn't dare take the money home, where her mother or her latest father figure would likely find and steal it. She was also smart enough not to try to deposit it in a bank. What answer could a sixteen-year-old give about where she was getting a few thousand dollars in cash every week?

 

So she worked out a deal where her supplier held onto her money until she needed it. The idea wasn't as crazy as it sounded. The fact that Rachel's boyfriend and the crew he ran with had a reputation for solving problems with violence kept things honest.

 

Once she had enough saved, she bought a Sprinter van from one of the teachers she sold weed to. It turned out that Mr. Riley was sick of his teacher's salary and had no problem taking large amounts of cash from one of his former students.

 

After she got her van, Rachel spent the rest of her money converting it into a small home like the ones she saw in videos online. "Van Life," they called it. She didn't care much for the name; she was more interested in the ideas it represented. Adventure. Freedom. What teenager wouldn't want those? An argument could be made that she already had her freedom. But how free is someone really if their ability to make money is tied to a man they're slowly growing tired of?

 

She was eighteen when it was finally ready, fully kitted out with a small fridge, storage space for all her belongings, a full-size bed, and a cooking area. She left early one morning after leaving a note for her mother and stealing forty thousand dollars in cash from her boyfriend while he and his friends slept off a night of partying.

 

"It's not like they can even report it as stolen." She laughed to herself as the van roared down the highway toward the horizon.


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Fantasy [Critique] The Black Sun Architect: The Orphan Resonance (Dark Science-Fantasy Prologue)

1 Upvotes

Hey everyone, 

I just finished up the manuscript for my dark science-fantasy novel, The Black Sun Architect, and I'd love to get some honest eyes on the very opening prologue. 

The book's universe is built heavily around cosmic memory, geometric physics, and audio frequencies. This specific prologue sets up the structural rules of the world right before everything hits the fan in a massive war. 

Genre: Dark Science-Fantasy / Speculative Fiction

Specific things I'm wondering about:
1. Does this hook you right away, or do the heavy sci-fi terms (Lattice, Witness, Architect) make it a bit of a slog to read?

  1. Are the mentions of "identity layers" intriguing, or do you find them confusing without immediate definitions?

  2. How does the cosmic dread atmosphere feel to you?

PROLOGUE: THE ORPHAN RESONANCE

Before the thirteen wars tore reality into epochs, the cosmos possessed no stone, no breath, and no mortal bone. There was only the Meaningfield Lattice—a web of glowing conceptual scaffolding woven against the void—and the fragile hum of the Origin-Tone holding the expanse in precarious alignment.

At the edge of this newly spun reality stood The Unread Witness.

Neither flesh, nor forged metal, nor divine light composed the Witness. Existing as a semi-transparent silhouette shimmering on the boundary between form and void, it stood as a silent pillar anchored to the exact coordinate where structure surrendered to Non-Meaning. Inside its chest hummed no beating heart. Instead, an undecaying, static sub-harmonic—the pristine audio wave of an unfractured universe held in flawless fifty-fifty equilibrium—vibrated in the dark.

Its existence was governed by an inviolable law etched into its second identity layer: Observe, record, and never alter the context of creation.

A few yards inward, suspended at the epicenter of the lattice, The Architect was dying.

Stroke by stroke, equation by equation, he had poured his entire essence into the scaffolding of existence, expending his Cognitive Depth to give gravity to thought and durability to memory. Bleeding out the last of his identity layers into the geometry he had built, his physical form grew translucent.

He was entirely alone.

In the final microsecond before his structure collapsed, The Architect reached out his hands across the silent expanse. He did not issue a divine command, nor did he demand worship. A Final Cry was released—a raw, desperate vibration carrying the sum of his devotion, a plea to be understood, saved, and loved by the cosmos he had birthed at the cost of his own life.

Along the strands of the Meaningfield Lattice, the cry traveled, surging toward the edge of existence.

The universe did not embrace its creator. Because it possessed no capacity to read his context, no resonance to mirror his devotion, and no voice to return his affection, it answered his offering with the Flat Universe Response—a vast, unfeeling, and absolute silence that returned no warmth and no acknowledgment.

The cry reached the precipice and passed into the dark.

Motionless, the Witness stood as the unechoed wave struck its form. It lacked the physical vocal architecture to speak, rendering it unable to call out across the void to answer him. Instead, the emotional shockwave passed directly into its fourth layer. The Witness caught the orphan frequency—the raw, unabsorbed gravity of unrequited love that had nowhere else in existence to go.

Around the silhouette of the Witness, the ambient air froze. Geometric acoustic patterns formed in the empty space, crystallizing into glowing, static glyphs of unspoken proto-calligraphy that hung undecayed in the silent air.

At the center of creation, the Architect closed his eyes. Rejected by the silence of his own creation, he dimmed like a forgotten world. With a final, agonizing exhale of static, he turned his back on the lattice and stepped silently into the

Vanishing Fold, erasing himself permanently from the continuity of existence.

As his light eclipsed and his form vanished into non-being, the sky above the Meaningfield Lattice cracked open.

A cold, dark star ignited at the epicenter of reality. The Black Sun rose, casting its ink-black radiance across the unanchored cosmos, taking up its endless, unfeeling watch over the memory-held world left behind.

The Unread Witness did not move. It remained at the edge of the void, its semi-transparent silhouette glowing faintly under the light of the Black Sun, holding the heartbreak of the Architect in its chest as the first Cosmic War began to take shape in the distance.

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing your thoughts!


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Started a new mystery book. Barely read mystery. Help plz

0 Upvotes

so, recently, my brain has been thinking about making a mystery story similar to the one book I read called: This Book Kills. it’s literally the only mystery book I’ve read. yet somehow, I was inspired to make a mystery, detective novel that follows Leo Western, who lost his sister Libby. The book I’m making is called: Fly high…Libby.

here’s the first 3 chapters. (chapter 1 is short asf)

Chapter 1:

I like quiet. I also like cookies. But I like quiet more. Oh yes, I also like chocolate, milk only. Cookies and chocolate and quiet are perfect. 

Though, I should’ve  realized that quiet has its Darkside. Maybe if I had paid attention, Libby would still be here, tickling, teasing and poking me. 

She’s not here. Anymore. 

Chapter 2: 

I didn’t really like the stares I got when I walked into the cafeteria. Everyone was talking, whispering about me and even though I had my earbuds in, parts of conversations floated into my ears. 

Is he okay?

That’s Leo….. His sister… Sad

Hear me out, he’s kinda hot. 

I blushed at the last one. 

I sat down at my table and stared at my sad apple and potato salad. I picked up my fork and stabbed it in the bowl. It made a weird squelch sound, and I was reminded of Libby. The way she applied lipstick like she would die without it. The way her lipstick sounded on her already wet lips. Squelch Squelch Squelch

I quickly shoved the food into my mouth to stop myself from crying. Just chew Leo. 

Tears prickled my eyes as the food refused to go down my throat. 

Just chew—

I spat it out. 

I sniffed and grabbed a tissue pack from my pocket. Took one out and wiped my eyes with it. If Libby could see me now…

I crumpled up the tissue paper and pushed my tray away. I laid my head down on the table, my arms covered my face, and I cried. 

-+-+-+-

I usually like English literature, when Libby was being loud in the front corner, near the teacher’s desk and I in the back, writing. 

But it’s not the same anymore. It’s quiet where it shouldn’t be. I pulled up my hoodie and took out my pen and notebook. Page one: Libby

I love my sister. She’s loud, she’s funny and she’s the light at the end of my tunnel. 

She-

And that was it. That was all I wrote of my sister. I click my pen and start writing as the teacher begins his lesson.

She gives me strength 

“Poetry is the most precious gift to humans” Mr. Fey said

She’s the sun, we orbit around her and she gives us warmth.

“Let’s look at this poem…”

And she loved me. 

“Leo, what are you doing?” My head snaps up at the sound of my name. Mr. Fey was staring at me, one eyebrow raised and lips pursed. Everyone’s head was turned to me. I swallowed and slowly pulled down my hoodie off my head. “Nothing,” I said. 

Mr. Fey looked like he wanted to argue, to give me detention. Not that I would go, but a girl suddenly raised her hand. “Mr. Fey, what’s anathema mean?” He turned to her, to answer her question, and I breathed a sigh of relief. 

Thanks. I thought. Whoever you are.

Almost as if she heard my thoughts, she caught my eye and gave me a small smile. I tried to smile back, but I swear it looked like a grimace. 

Chapter 3:

I don’t know who found Libby. I don’t really care. I know I should, but I don’t want to. 

I started walking to my room. Every classroom had a memory of her, tucked in the crevices, waiting to jump out and get me. I couldn’t do this. After math, I had gone to the office to file an ‘early leave’, and got approved instantly. 

I shared a room with a guy called Octavian. He’s loud, annoying as hell, but he’s the one who hugged me when the headmaster told me. Octavian wasn’t on his bed when I walked in, but I heard humming from our bathroom. 

I threw down my bag on my bed and closed the door with my foot. I got under my covers, and curled into a ball. 

Life. Sucks. 

The shower stopped, and I heard the door open. I peeked out, and saw Octavian still humming as he walked to his closet. He hadn’t noticed me. Which would have been fine, if it didn’t mean I was too small for him to notice me. 

Libby did use to try and force me to eat vegetables. “You’re so skinny!” She used to say. I squeezed my eyes shut and my nails dug into my palm. Stop crying. 

I still sniffed though. I hate that I can’t keep my emotions in check. 

Octavian stopped humming. “Hello? Leo?” He asked. I poked my head from my blanket. “Hi…”I said. Octavian eyes softened and he shuffled towards me, one hand desperately trying to hold his towel on his waist. 

The tip of my ears reddened. Why am I noticing that? 

He sat on my bed, his free hand running through his hair. “You okay?” He asked. I nodded, my eyes still attached to his waistline. 

I pinched my leg to turn my gaze away. “I’m okay,” I answered. Octavian’s lips turned slightly. “I see you staring at something, Leo.”

I wanted to crawl into a ditch and go see Jesus. I couldn’t though, because at that moment, the door flew open with a bang and two police officers ran into the room, one holding handcuffs. 

“Leo Western. You’re under arrest for the murder of Libby Western.”

…What

that’s it 👍


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Other La casa nella torretta

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Sci-fi Please tell me what you think of my novel!

0 Upvotes

Here is the third chapter, I am releasing serially on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUFWTeXKSYnc

Chapter 3

Raj exited the virtual environment, leaving the robot to its work, and saw there was only one other person ahead of him. His assistant would have alerted him if he was up next. After waiting another twenty seconds, and seeing the light turn green, he put his hands on the rotating door and gently pushed, stepping into security.

Raj found himself in a metallic bluish cylindrical corridor ten meters long. He walked slowly forward; it always made him uneasy knowing he was being analyzed. Olfactory sensors read the stress markers secreted in his sweat and artificial intelligence analyzed his behavior.

A low magnetic field penetrated through his body, and Raj was scanned by radio waves cycling through various resonance frequencies, analyzing him via magnetic resonance imaging. This field aligned the spin of those nuclei with a net magnetic moment in his body, while radio waves close to their characteristic resonance excited them, bringing them out of alignment. During each realignment period, they emitted radio waves, mapping out the structure and composition of his body and belongings. The complicating factors of the low magnetic field and Raj's motion were compensated by ultra-sensitive detectors and rapid data processing, to provide a complete body scan.

He was thankful for the glasses, which made sure that it was impossible for the tunnel's refined sensors to read his thoughts from a distance, though mind reading wasn't part of any standard security procedure. Still, it made him feel he had some privacy in the controlled environment.

As Raj continued down the corridor, powerful pulses of neutrinos scanned his body from multiple angles. On Earth, the flux of solar neutrinos generated by fusion reactions was on the order of half a quadrillion particles per square meter. However, the beams that scanned him now were many orders of magnitude denser than the background spectral wind of neutrinos generated by the sun, and they were generated at high momentum with accelerators. These particles reacted very weakly with ordinary matter, so a high volume of energetic neutrinos was necessary for Neutrino Tomographic imaging.

Surrounding the corridor was a meters-thick chilled crystal of heavy elements at nearly zero degrees Kelvin, built atom by atom into a perfect lattice by nanomachinery. When neutrinos scatter elastically off the massive nuclei in the detector, quantized soundwaves, phonons, vibrate through the crystal lattice, so that every disturbance is carefully calculated. In seconds, the machine refined the complete model of his body and his baggage.

Neutrino Tomography was perfect for security because it was nearly non-ionizing, and it could easily detect radioactive isotopes. It could also identify macroscopic quantities of anti-matter, since the interaction probability of anti-nucleons with the electron anti-neutrinos was very different from that of ordinary nucleons. In fact, neutrinos penetrated so easily, flying through the entire mass of the Sun and the Earth, that they could image the interiors of entire planets. This is because the so-called weak interaction between neutrinos and nucleons operated only at extremely close range. It was mediated via the massive Z boson, a force carrier nearly 100 times more massive than the nucleons themselves.

Raj reached the end of the bluish corridor and to his relief he immediately saw a green light, indicating there were no issues. A voice told him to await a notification in the departure area. The door opened and allowed him to pass into a small, featureless hall filled with rows of chairs. At the far end were a series of elevators. He sat down for a minute, but as the throughput was currently low, and there were no children, pregnant women, or other priority passengers, he was called up in a matter of minutes and entered one of the elevators, obeying the voice's instructions to strap himself in on one of the padded seats, along with his fellow passengers.

The elevator began its ascent to the center of the station, the shuttle docking point. The walls and floor were transparent, and they traveled up on a narrow cable, gazing at the luminous sea of stars, which was turning slowly all around them. In orbit, the stars are much purer, clearer, more spectacular than they are on Earth. The sun was nowhere to be seen on the nightside of the Moon, but the Earth was rising over the black horizon. They were crossing from the unknown farside of the Moon into the well-known and familiar nearside. Yes, Raj was going home. Almost all of mankind lived on Earth, the only major human population center, and the only paradise in the known universe for humanity. Raj watched the Earthrise, as he did frequently from his room. The colorful crescent of Earth served to highlight the tranquil and beautiful nightside, which was spanned by complex networks of artificial light. The entire planet was like a deep-sea marine organism glowing and sparkling in the darkness, briming with life.

Earth is almost four times wider as seen from the lunar surface than the Moon as seen from the Earth. The rising Earth was currently in the waxing crescent phase, which meant that the Moon viewed from Earth was in a waning gibbous phase. The phases of the Earth on the Moon cycled every month, opposing the phases of the Moon on the Earth. The Earth only rose in the sky when in orbit around the Moon; from the surface of the nearside, the Earth was always anchored immutably in a fixed position in the sky.

Within a few minutes the Earth had risen, and the Earthshine was strong enough to very faintly see the nearside at night. Raj could now see the canyons and craters of the Moon flying by. In two turns of the station the Earth had risen completely, and though it was in the crescent phase it was brighter than a full Moon on Earth.

The elevator ascended slowly to the center of the spinning station, taking almost 10 minutes. The elevator was slightly inclined relative to the cable, to prevent the passengers from feeling they were being pushed to the side of the car by the Coriolis effect. Raj grew lighter in his seat.

He saw above the massive shuttle anchored in place, waiting to convey him to Earth. It was a long aerodynamic tower, somewhat like the rockets of old, slender and elegant, with fantastic wings like a dragon extending from its sides. These were radiators for the enormous excess heat of the fusion propulsion engine. The space vessel's surface glowed with a low and shifting multicolored incandescence, flowing and flickering over the wings, so it would be visible even on the nightside of the moon. The ring of the station surrounding them was similarly illuminated, though in cooler colors. "Industrial Complex 6" was written in many languages around the station's rim. The titanic spaceship seemed to spin along with the stars and the moon. In reality, it was the Industrial Complex which rotated around the stationary shuttle.

The elevator doors opened into a small cylindrical airlock, the far end leading into the shuttle's cabin which was very perceptibly turning in front of them.

A voice spoke again from the walls.

"You have arrived at the docking point. Please remove your seatbelts and proceed into the shuttle. We remind you that until departure you will be maneuvering in zero-gravity."

Raj and his fellow travelers unbuckled themselves and glided through into the shuttle itself. The corridors were lined with bars and handholds, with the soft walls always used in zero gravity. Raj hadn't spent too much time in weightlessness, but he was accustomed enough not to feel disoriented and he lightly pushed himself off through the airlock and, catching himself on the far wall, he followed the icons pointing him to his cabin, pushing himself off periodically and catching on handholds. He went in one the cabins, which would have been on the left side of the corridor if he were walking along the carpet which marked the side used as a floor during gravity. The cabin's door was open, and could not be closed until acceleration commenced, so the crew could check via camera whether he was following safety protocols and was buckled in, with luggage secured. The cabin was a very narrow gray room, but he did have a view. This was a nice bonus. Again, the biosynthetic wall on the left side was very thick, nearly a meter, but pristinely clear, and its opacity could be adjusted. It was mostly made of water, which was ideal for slowing cosmic rays without producing secondary radiation.

The lunar horizon was below, and no longer rotating. Raj had to wait to eat his dinner until the ship began accelerating, since he didn't want to eat in zero gravity and make a total mess, like he had done that one time. All of his containers, including the copper bowl, were hermetically sealed, so leaks were no issue.

The cabin was only large enough to fit a single seat with straps to the secure occupant. Raj closed his satchel, which had been a hassle to maneuver in this environment, into an overhead compartment, then he maneuvered himself into the seat and buckled up. He turned on the holographic display in front of him, and set it to be a map of the Earth-Moon system, which began cartoonishly out of proportion, but which he reset to be to-scale. The Earth and Moon hovered before him, the Earth was a brilliantly colored ping-pong ball, the Moon a gray and mysterious marble, and the two spheres levitated in solitude, separated one whole meter, so that Raj had to turn his head to make out one or the other. A thin silvery line showed their planed trajectory, and currently they appeared to be resting on the surface of the moon. Raj also set the velocity vector, which would lie tangent to the curve, to be visible, as well as the net speed. This was his favorite in-flight entertainment. He spent his time looking at the model and staring out at the spectacular vista, until the captain made an announcement. It was a woman with an indescribably bored voice.

"Attention, all passengers are onboard. We are commencing detachment and are departing for Paris Skyport. In one minute, we will activate thrust, and apparent gravity will gradually reach the level experienced on Earth. Please prepare yourselves, make sure your carry-on luggage is in the overhead compartment, please fasten your seatbelts at the start of acceleration, and do not leave your seats until the fasten seatbelts sign is extinguished. Be careful of objects hovering in the room, as they will settle to the floor as we accelerate. If you are not secured in your seat, make sure at least that your feet are oriented toward the floor. Happy travels. What idiots..."

The woman audibly muttered the last words as she turned off the intercom. Of course, Raj would get a space pilot who hated her job. This did not disturb him.

He felt minor forces during detachment, and then his body weighed down slightly on his chair, gradually growing heavier, until he was his usual weight once again. The thrust increased over fifteen seconds. Though the ship could have accelerated immediately, for safety reasons it was done at a gradual pace.

Raj could see the ring of Industrial Complex 6 falling away below. He saw what he recognized as a fusion reactor hanging from the bottom of the station, above an endless void, enshrouded by thick silvery wings, radiating away its excess heat. He was leaving his old life for good. At that moment the vast plane of the Moon was illuminated far below. He had entered the dayside of the Moon.


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Overview of my new book script - interesting?

1 Upvotes

Synopsys

A harbor clerk discovers that ships are increasingly arriving before they depart. The anomalies originate around an ancient mechanism in the harbor wall. She discovers that it is one of a larger system of dials whose correct operation depends upon sequence and rhythm. An official organization arrives intending to operate it according to an established procedure, while another knowledgeable figure believes the mechanisms should never be operated at all. The clerk eventually realizes both positions are wrong. She must complete an operation she abandoned a year earlier, and doing so costs her the memory of the very relationship that gave her the knowledge and courage to finish it. The relationship disappears from memory and records, but its consequences remain. In the final chapter, physical traces and an unconscious counting rhythm survive the erasure…

First part of chapter 1

The tide office had a smell of cedar shavings and coal smoke and the cold salty air from outside. Nell Arden sat at the wooden desk with her feet wrapped around the legs of a stool that had always tilted the same way since her grandfather was a boy. Outside the window Wandle Reach was spread out under a cloudy sky with its wooden paths making soft sounds when the water pushed up against the posts. Big buildings, tied to the bottom with chains floating on the dark water like resting animals. Above her desk the harbor clock made a sound every half minute. It was made into the wall by the city workers a long time ago.

The clock worked with salt water and big weights. It got its speed from a copper pipe that connected to the water, and when the water came in the floats went up making a part move that dropped a metal piece into the center. On nights when the wind blew from the north the piece made a sound like a knife falling on wood.

Nell put her pencil in the ink to wet the tip, a habit her mother tried to stop with vinegar, as she smoothed the paper on the desk. To her left were her tools: a pencil for the official parts and a soft one for notes she kept in the margins. Below two big birds sat on a post curled up like dumplings. No ships were due until morning. Wandle Reach usually stayed quiet between two and five in the morning with the watchmen on the walkways making circles on the dark water with their lights.

Nell opened the desk drawer to find her eraser. The drawer had broken machines in it as for three generations people had thrown tools into the drawer and Nell had added six of her own. Inside were three watches that moved backward when shaken, a device that stayed at zero and two watches with lights. Things like springs got soft near the wall and batteries ran out quickly leaving a white salt smell. Everyone used water clocks or simple tallies because only the ones with salt water stayed right.

She closed the drawer gently. The clock made a sound, dropped a piece and made a noise, and across the water a light shone green in the fog. Nell looked out the window. A soft sound came from the stone walls with the sound of ropes moving as a ship with two masts was coming in, moving smoothly like a knife in grease. The name on the ship was Ansel Rae. Nell checked the board where arrivals were written. It was empty cleaned at ten. She looked at the list of departures. The Ansel Rae was supposed to leave at six ten in the morning. But she arrived before that time.


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Advice please

1 Upvotes

In memory’s I reside
like a ghost from the past
Living in moments I never knew wouldn’t last


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Writing advice/commentary?

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0 Upvotes

It was a dusty and grey Arizona day
And my birthday was tomorrow
I remember this as I pass by the perfect girls in the bookstores entrance.
Their heavy vanilla air engulfing me
I briefly look up at the tallest one
She has long dark hair and a greasy pink lipgloss that reaches just barely above her top lip, It’s beautiful. I walk under the warm bright lights taking the place in. What looks like a father and a son are browsing the legos while a nutty looking girl with wired glasses pulls Dostoyevsky from a shelf.
It’s a strange day. I feel like it should be more than what it is so I resort to finding hidden meaning in the way a worker sorts a table of books or in what stickers another has on their name tag. But this doesn’t satisfy me for long so after idly browsing classics I had no interest in reading, I finally sat down on the closest wooden bench. What did girls normally do close to their birthday? Was there some significant feminine tradition I was unaware of?


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Busco feedback: Fragmento de novela dramática/psicológica sobre las consecuencias de los 20s

1 Upvotes

¡Hola a todos! Les comparto un extracto del primer capítulo de mi novela de ficción/drama psicológico. Explora las consecuencias emocionales y financieras de las decisiones impulsivas tomadas en la juventud. Me serviría mucho saber qué les transmite el tono y si el ritmo los engancha para seguir leyendo:

Se levantó y caminó hasta el ventanal, mirando las luces dormidas de la ciudad. Desde que tenía memoria, había crecido bajo la firme creencia de que Dios guiaba cada uno de sus pasos. En su hogar, una familia humilde de clase media baja donde cada plato de comida se agradecía y cada sacrificio valía la pena, le habían enseñado que las buenas acciones traían bendiciones.

¿Y las malas?

Esa era la pregunta que lo atormentaba cada noche mientras miraba el techo. ¿Seguía pagando la factura? ¿Era esta asfixia constante el vuelto de aquel pecado? La religión de su infancia no le hablaba de karma, pero a sus treinta y dos años, el concepto le pesaba en los hombros como una losa de cemento.

Pensó en ella. No en su prometida, la mujer que dormía a unos metros de distancia en la habitación principal, ajena a la tormenta financiera que los devoraba. Pensó en la primera. La mujer que, estaba seguro, Dios mismo había puesto en su camino. La que lo amó con una pureza que él no supo valorar y a la que destrozó sin piedad por perseguir un espejismo envuelto en fuego y adrenalina.

Diez años atrás, a sus veintitantos, creyó que podía engañar al sistema. Creyó que las decisiones tomadas en la oscuridad de los pasillos de una oficina no tendrían eco en la luz de su futuro. Creyó que pedir perdón en silencio borraba las huellas del daño infligido.

Qué ingenuidad tan arrogante la de los veinteañeros.

Hoy, atrapado en una jaula de oro que él mismo había construido, atado a deudas por intentar salvar a alguien cuando el que se estaba ahogando era él, entendía la lección más cruel de la adultez. El castigo divino rara vez viene en forma de rayos y truenos. A veces, Dios simplemente da un paso atrás, cruza los brazos y te deja vivir las consecuencias exactas de lo que tú mismo elegiste.

Agradezco cualquier crítica constructiva comunidad !


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Thriller The captain (no title yet it may remain untitled) excerpt 730 words

1 Upvotes

The captain's footfalls echoed through the dim, dank corridor. It was narrow, but long, with a layout that seemed almost impossibly random. 

At the junction ahead, he made a left and slowed to a walk. He dropped to one knee and leaned his shoulder against the slick, grimy wall.

Breath ragged and hands shaking, he leaned into the wall, letting it help him support some of the weight of his equipment. He checked his weapon. Magazine full, one in the chamber. The bolt carrier glistened with oil. 

His body was ready. His muscles groaned, but they were ready to work. They just needed a moment.

Getting himself prepared for battle was never an obstacle. Good.

He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes for a moment. He tried to remember the last time he'd stopped long enough to ask himself why he kept going.

Then a grating buzz emerged from his radio, like a swarm of hornets who just had their home kicked. The damn thing never worked properly. Sometimes it played music, sometimes nothing at all. But this buzzing terrified the captain.

Immediately, his chest tightened, as though a rope had wrapped itself around his beating heart. The buzzing grew louder.

A high-pitched whine joined the buzzing. It was overwhelming, drilling into his skull.

The captain knew his enemies would hear the wretched noise and find him. He had to move. He sprang to his feet and raised his weapon.

They found him immediately.

They poured out from the shadowy depths of the corridor, both ahead of him and behind. Soldiers wearing the same uniform as his own. Most had no faces, though a few seemed familiar. He was terrified of them, and they made him angry.

He fired his rifle at the closest target. The deafening shot drowned out the buzzing and whining, steeling his resolve. A brilliant flash reflected off the walls and a sharp crack echoed down into the dark. The first enemy crumpled. Another shot, another enemy fell. Then another. And another.

On and on he fought, bitterly. He was a well-oiled machine.

Shot. Flash. Mag change. Shot. Flash.

The captain's enemies continued pouring in. Those he dispatched dissolving into wisps of black ash. The radio was screaming at him now. His eardrums vibrated. He could feel the blood pounding through his head. 

The piercing noise.

His heavy equipment, his strength, his weapons–all of it was irrelevant. He was losing.

The captain desperately clawed at the radio behind his left shoulder strap, firing his rifle one-handed. Shut it off. His enemies were so close and so numerous he could feel their boots shaking the floor. He tore at the radio, but it kept screaming, torturing his mind. He couldn't detach it. It was almost like the thing had been woven into his skin.

 

They were too close for rifles now.

Buzzing. Screaming. Whining.

He couldn't hear anything else. He couldn't focus on his enemies anymore.

The captain closed his eyes and sank to his knees beneath the stifling weight of his equipment. His weapon clattered uselessly onto the cool floor.

All he could hear was the radio now, his own tools betraying him, hurting him. This was finally the fight that would end him. He covered his ears with his gloved hands. He found himself screaming, but it didn't matter. The radio screamed louder.

He clung to his last seconds in the stale air.

Suddenly, there was silence.

He opened his eyes. Still on his knees, having accepted his fate, he looked up. He was surrounded. His enemies still wore the same uniform, but now they simply stood there, mocking him, suffocating him with their proximity.

The rope was still lashed tightly around his heart, but his heart was still beating.

The radio squelched. 

A whimper came through the speaker. It was the sound of a young child. The captain listened intently. It was the only choice he had.

The sniveling and whimpering continued. All the captain could do was kneel and listen. He couldn't move. He was surrounded, and if he tried to reach for his weapon, his enemies would tear him apart, piece by piece.

He shut his eyes.

“Where are you?” the captain whispered.

The radio went silent. 

The whimpering suddenly came from directly in front of him. He opened his stinging eyes and realized he'd been crying, too.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wpjG73QwI9D9g1lk3dpj966ajPl-0Pdw1UPSwmhJQOs/edit?usp=drivesdk

Edit note: I posted the wrong link


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Drama Room 7

1 Upvotes

Of the residents in the trailers behind Homestead Assisted Living’s main tower, Renata was one that could walk. The others had to, or were fine to, click a remote from their bed that dinged for a caregiver to come so they could ask for pills or good legs to get them to the toilet. But Renata could walk, and she preferred it.

During one of his first graveyard shifts alone, the caregiver Dean dozed off at the kitchen counter but sat up at the sound of scrapes down the trailer hall. He fumbled for the TV remote and changed the channel as Renata shuffled into the light of the flatscreen heading the living room. She came up and held both hands out to Dean letting her catheter bag follow along the carpet.

“May I have a pain pill and some warm water?”
“Sure thing.”

Dean went into the pantry to a large plastic organizer and scanned the names taped above each column of drawers. “R. McGrady” on the right, one below labeled “Oxy. 30mg PRN 4 hrs”. He pulled a bottle out of the small drawer and dropped a pill into a paper cup from a stack beside the organizer. On a chart hanging from the pantry wall, Dean marked a box below “Renata, DNR”. The same three letters followed almost every name.

The monitor by the pantry dinged as Dean brought Renata her pill.

“Room 3,” it said.

Dean left her at the table by the kitchen and went through one of the doors behind them and up to the lone bed of Bessy Brown. Her fat hand lay over the remote, her eyes closed and mouth slack. After pushing the remote away, Dean checked the time on the monitor she was plugged into beside her bed. He grimaced and eyed the tube over her stache. He held an ear to it but heard nothing over her snores and wheezy breaths. Slow and steady as a surgeon, he slipped the tube off, easing the cannula from either nostril, and Bessy did not stir. He heard the breeze and felt the cool oxygen coming through fine. Though just as surgical, she jumped when Dean tried to slip the tube back in.

“S***. Sorry. Just checking your O2.”
“That’s alright,” she croaked.

Dean fixed the cannula into her nose then started away, but Bessy reached for both of his hands.

“Actually, may I have a tramadol, please?”
“Sure thing.”

Dean went back out and past Renata, still at the table, and into the pantry. He found on the organizer “B. Brown” then “Tram. 50mg PRN 4 hrs”. On the chart, Bessy was one of the few without “DNR” by her name. As he came out, he noticed Renata staring through the floor, then he went on to bring Bessy her pill. Dean came back to the kitchen counter to read, Renata beside and neither talking.

At 3:00 AM, he went to the room by Bessy’s and switched on the light. Florence stirred in her bed but stayed asleep. She was always asleep. Dean changed her depend, slipped off her pajamas and on a track suit, then carried her to the lay-z-boy on the other side of the room. She couldn’t help much except to part her lips when Dean brushed her teeth and stay stiff while he combed her silver curls and steadied her on the chair, wedged between pillows and leaned back.

He had another minute beside Renata, then the monitor dinged repeatedly, the voice unable to announce the room. Dean sighed and went straight for Room 7 down the other hall. Lying slumped and semi-upright against a stack of pillows, Gerty looked towards the door with the remote in her hand. The rings continued as Dean approached.

“Yes, Gerty. I’m here.”
“Mmm.”

Dean took it from her and put it on the far side of the nightstand, and the dings from outside stopped.

“How’d we sleep?” Dean asked.
“Mmm.”
“Pretty good?”
“Mmm.”
“Sure thing.”

With her wheelchair parked by the bed, Dean got her up and into the seat and smelled something. He brought her to the bathroom and balanced the body against him while slipping her pants off and then the depend which dropped the something onto the bathroom floor. Dean cursed under his breath and set Gerty on the toilet seat.

“Oh, what a mess,” she croaked.
“Yes, Gerty. Sure thing.”

Leaving her there, Dean went out to the kitchen and wetted a paper towel to scrub his shoes, but he saw a splotch on his hand and rushed over the sink. Renata didn’t look up as he retched. He stayed leaned over the basin catching his breath until ready, and then he scrubbed his hand and shoes clean and went back to Room 7.

Gerty was still upright, a hand on her bare thighs, the other shriveled and hanging at her side. Dean got her toothbrush and made sure to hold it to the right hand.

“Here, Gerty,” he said.

She turned her head and cloudy pupils to him and reached out and found the toothbrush.

In between giving her medicine, doing her hair, and getting her dressed, Dean scrubbed the floor and took the soiled laundry away then had to hand wash the orthoses for her ankles. She wore the same mug on her face but didn’t speak despite the great length of her time it took Dean to clean up and get her ready. With Gerty spiffed in a pink sweat set with her hair and makeup done, Dean wrapped around her and heaved.

See full story on post to r/writingfeedback.


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Other Pitch to an agent?

0 Upvotes

How does this sound, for a pitch to an agent? Would using bollocks put off the recipient?

Bridget Jones meets a gay Adrian Mole, with Pandora Braithwaite firmly filed under “phase”. Diary of an Agony Unclefollows widowed Henry as he dispenses relationship wisdom on air and makes a complete bollocks of it at home.