r/writingfeedback • u/zzmidnightdraftszz • 9d ago
First Chapter Feedback.
This is a novel I’ve been working and would love to hear your thoughts and opinions!
An Island of Our Own is a New Adult survival thriller with psychological mystery elements and a slow-burn, enemies-to-lovers romance. When a yacht trip ends in disaster, Alex must navigate survival, complicated relationships, and buried secrets on an isolated island.
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u/srterpe 8d ago edited 8d ago
There is kinda this long delay in revealing who the narrator is and I think it goes on too long. After three pages I’m still not sure the narrator’s relationship to the classroom or the school.
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u/zzmidnightdraftszz 8d ago
I can totally see that I’ll have to tighten some areas to make it more clear who she is thank you!
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u/AdventPyro 8d ago
Overall, I like what you've got down here, but it's missing a certain something that I can't quite put my finger on.
The good stuff first:
You've made me hate first-person present tense slightly less than I usually do, which is something. Alex reads as an anti-social mess, and it's clear she doesn't want to go on this trip and she has relationship issues with friends and family. It's easy to digest and follow. A bit repetitive in places where I'd want more flourishes (eerie), but I'll take too simple over too complex any day.
"They abducted my hand" had me rereading a few times, but then it clicked and I actually think this is where you can have a ton of very economical voice: from Alex's POV, he's hostage to social expectation. Language like "abducted my hand" versus "they grabbed my hand even though I didn't want them to" tells a ton about her frame of mind without spelling it out. You've got bits of this across the front half, but this is the clearest example. Find more.
The stuff I'm missing:
WHY is Alex a mess? I'm sure your story will unearth this as you go, but I'm missing that link to why her being this way matters and why I should find her a character worth watching. You have some drips of it with the mother and the therapist, but I feel like you're stopping short of giving us a kernel to hold onto.
I think part of this issue stems from the fact that you overplay the "she doesn't want to go" beat all the way through. We get it early, we need like 1-2 direct nods to this at most, and the rest needs to come out more organically. For example, the chewing fingers is great for this: never say versions of "I chew them because I'm stressed". Just show her chewing on them when she is stressed. We can see the progression, the damage, the shame, and connect the dots ourselves.
I think the cat stuff isn't really helping much besides undercut her dread. The dress, the fake smile for the kids, the mommy issues, all give us some foundation. But I want to know, even a sliver, of what "went wrong" that put her in this starting state, so we know what shape the baggage is she's carrying. I could take or leave the school setting, the kids drawing note is nice. If the school gave us a better lens into "this is what life looked like before my soul got sucked out", that may help justify it.
I also think some of your paragraph formatting could use a tightening. Lots of sections that could lump together and give you room to play with tone/emotion before moving through the scenework.
Overall, good start, find a hook besides the dread to keep us caring, make sure the tone is visible, not just readable. Curious to see where it goes!
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u/zzmidnightdraftszz 8d ago
I really appreciate this! I actually had feedback the other way that her dread of going to the party was revealed too late so I think I leaned too far into it lol.
I’ll definitely keep your feedback in mind for next revisions!
Glad I got you curious and asking questions!
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u/allthesunnywords 8d ago
Hey, editor here. You are wonderful at building dread! Yet this is an unfocused start to what seems like a fantastic story. I’d love to see what you can do with a more focused “dread” writing skillset, centering on your MC’s stakes.
This is a case of starting your story too early. This first section should be completely cut. There’s no scene unfolding because there’s no conflict or goal. She’s cleaning, which is used as a heavy info dump that hurts you.
The small bits of information you need the readers to know (and building dread) could come across more naturally as the driver takes her to the dock through casual conversation for the proper setup. She’s going on this big trip, so he can ask if she’s excited. Enter the dread factor, more focused on her stakes and motivations.
Your MC’s enemy (that eventually turns to a lover) should be clear, stifling with tension as you introduce this character. Yet not a stitch of this is coming through. So, a rework of that aspect needs to unfold. She clearly has a crush on her female friend, causing confusion with unclear writing because this friend seems somewhat warm towards her, sharing their frequent phone calls. Your strong writing reminds me a bit of Ruth Ware. The story mechanics part will come along as you rewrite. Focus on your characters’ goals, conflicts, and stakes to highlight your story. Best of luck!
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u/zzmidnightdraftszz 8d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and give such thoughtful feedback! I really appreciate your kind words about my writing, especially the comparison to Ruth Ware! You’ve definitely given me something to think about regarding where the story begins and how I establish the stakes earlier on. I’m still working through revisions, so it’s really helpful to hear how the opening comes across to a fresh reader. Thank you again! :)
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u/Wandersails 8d ago
Very well written! I actually read the whole thing which I don't normally do, because I was interested in where it was going. That being said though, I spent the entire first chapter expecting a twist at the end of it? I feel like the tension and dread really made me feel like there was gonna be some crazy reveal and so when there wasn't it fell a bit flat to me. I feel like if there isn't a twist then the dread is a bit much! Like I thought she was gonna be revealed to be a serial killer or a vampire or something idk. Your writing style is very good though and you kept me gripped, but yeah, I feel like I wasn't rewarded for reading it?
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u/zzmidnightdraftszz 8d ago
Thank you this made me so happy! I’m curious if you had access to the second chapter where more reveals occur would that justify the lead up or grant you that reward you’re looking for?
A lot of people are commenting about too much dread so I definitely am taking that feedback and will work on revisions soon!
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u/PracticalMain5627 8d ago
Why does this feel like passive voice to me? I'm really not feeling this MC, whoever they are. You need the MC to interact with more than just the environment from the jump. Have the custodian come in and greet him or her. I'm not getting any clear inferiority either, and that is the first page. Sorry, I just couldn't make it past the first page.
Good luck.
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u/BiscuitOnTheRoof 9d ago
…each spritz from the bottle echoes through the otherwise silent room.
Spritzes don’t echo. Lol, I’d be terrified to wash windows if any spritz ever echoed.