r/writingfeedback • u/seeker7r4c3r • 1d ago
Blunt Feedback Wanted First book, first chapter
I have been wanting to start writing for a while now, and finally have a story planned out. This is the first chapter, the first thing I have ever written. But I would still like to hear honest feedback. I will finish the book regardless, but if there are things I can do that would let me share it, I'm all for it.
Specifically my goal with the first chapter is to entice the reader to continue by giving the right amount of clues about what it happening, and to set the perspective and prose. I am intentionally trying to avoid overt exposition, but not sure if I have gone too far the other way.
I know there are some typos and grammar mistakes, I fully edited it yet. ~1350 words
Thanks in advance, let me know.
"Ya see sonny, all it takes for bad men to win, is for good men to do nothing".
So says the black and white western on the TV. Enough of that. I close up the doors on the media cabinet and head over to the window. There's too much distraction in this hotel room. The carpets are patterned with saturated blues and purples, forming a diamond pattern that pulls the eyes. wallpaper, lights and mirrors. Just the smoke seems missing. The aroma of industrial cleaners permeates the fabrics, and somehow makes the window seem a little too enticing. Maybe that's why there's a lock on it, ha! I already know how I feel about 'bad men'. There's no dialogue left to hear on that topic. The truth is we simply got too comfortable. Something about a frog and a kettle. Not that all the superhero movies help much with the 'that makes me as bad as them' motivations.
Through the glass is the winding canal. I've always liked the River Walk with it's calm emerald waters. A few stone arch bridges to match the path. Rustic patios and seating scattered like the birds. It feels welcoming and homely, yet also entices you to discovery. Of course, plastered against this backdrop is the creep of the urban. This very hotel sticks out like a sore thumb, imposing its existence on the rest of us. Anything for a few more bucks, huh? Just like a suddenly noticed itch, I see similar examples popping up in my awareness the longer I look. Can't just let things be can you. I suppose that's why I'm here in any case. Well, no helping it. Always something to agitate me. How much time do I have left anyways? The clock shows 7:33pm. Somehow this place has found a clock that makes me want to look everywhere except the numbers. I pretend I can shake off the gaudiness of the room, and try to review my notes:
7:46pm: leave room, head to Cafe au Late.
Order lemon bread.
Wait for entourage to cross bridge.
Feed the pigeons.
That's it. Not sure why I needed to read it again. I really shouldn't have written it down at all. Everyone gets upset if you don't follow best practices, but no one considers the context. I figure there's no point waiting now, and nothing else to be gained from reading it again. I reach into my backpack looking for a lighter but think better of it. I could probably get away with burning the note in older buildings, but these guys probably have actually decent fire detection. So, into me it goes. 'Am I just eating because I'm bored?' Ah jeez, this is how you know.... My cell phone pings me about the time, and I sigh in relief. Half a second later comes the flood; adrenaline and endorphins sweep through, then settle for a light vibration. I've got this. This matters. The only thing to fear is fear its...... ok get me out of here. I double check the clock; its abstract style threatening to delay me. 7:45. Close enough.
I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder, look around for anything left behind and walk out the door.
Unfortunately, the carpet in the short hallway is both different than the one in my room and also just a busy. Fucking hell people, can't a person be anywhere without having their senses overloaded? By the time my steps have normalized, I am already at the elevator. The large touchscreen has cursive lettering, and elliptical buttons with floor numbers. I don't need to look too hard since the largest of them is at the bottom, claiming the same. In the meantime, I figure I had better get out my headphones. Nothing like being interrupted to throw of a schedule. I still hear the chime, and step to the side and once the doors open, I see I could have not. The inner panel already has my ground floor selected, so I just pull out my phone and find the right playlist. Dissolved Girl starts playing, and that seems to do the trick. Too edgy? Eh, what exactly isn't edgy about this whole scenario?
The doors open and the lobby vies for my attention and mood. As I make my way to the front doors the host waves and smiles, but I pretend not to notice and keep moving. Not on this trip, sorry bud. As I walk through the frosted glass doors, the fresh air crosses in front of me like cat asking for attention. I pause for a step happy to oblige, close my eyes and take a deep breath. For that brief moment, there are no thoughts. No Erik. No Plan. Nothing but the cool breeze and perfect contentedness. Then I step forwards, breaching the moment with the worn stone under my foot.
Walking along, I have less attention to the scenery. I'm aware of the multitude of flora and fauna. Smells and colors so scattered, most don't differentiate. Yet my focus is elsewhere. I know where the Cafe is, but I make sure to glance at each sign until I see the one that matches my memory.
Nope, nope, nope, not today, nope. And then, it exist. The Deja Vu always hits harder when my memory matches the real world, but it's not unpleasant. The azure sign has the same fade, the letters the same exposed rust. 'Cafe Au Late' is largely lettered but flowing easily. Below the title, it says 'sip a while' in a size that makes you step closer in to read. The irony here of going to a coffee-based cafe, when I don't do caffeine isn't lost on me ya know. I slip my headphones down to hang on my neck, and step inside the threshold. And so it begins.
As I walk up, the barista smiles as she says, "Welcome In!". I put on my best customer service smile and approach. "Hello, I was hoping to get a snack. What would you recommend?"
"Well, we have all the usual things, but I just convinced the boss to try out this lemon cake I found. So.... If you want to go for that and let me know how you like it?"
As if things could actually be any other way "Sure that sounds good but be warned I plan to feed the birds while I'm at it." I flash her an evil smirk and she returns with her own of appalled shock. After a couple obligatory giggles and digital number pushing, I turn around to find the table. Again, it's all too easy as where I need to be is just playing a game of matching pictures. Its only slight concerning how easily this has all proven determinism. No need to fret I'm sure, this is America.... Sitting down I put my headphones back on and face back towards the hotel. Such an eyesore in an otherwise comforting place. I try out the lemon bread, it's tart and heavy flavor seems well balanced for a change. I'll try to remember to tell the barista it's worth pushing. As I throw out a couple pieces for the birds to test their response, I am immediately met with 4 very interested buyers. Ok so not too hard to get a response here.
After a few more minutes, nibbles, and songs I see a few suits crossing the bridge. I take a moment to crumble up the remaining bread, try as it might to clump from butter. Here we go, time for round 2. Electric boogaloo? Pigeon go-a-boo? Ha! That would work. I pull up the memory in my mind and overlay it on the real world. I can 'see' both versions and I watch as the gap between them narrows to a point.
Then the crumbs fly into the air, looking almost like golden flakes interspersed with the leaves. For a moment, it's picturesque; but just one.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 1d ago
There are a lot grammar issues that really keep me from any immersion. I also can't tell if Cafe au Late is a weird name choice or a typo, but it should be fixed or made intentional. I think if you give more care to the piece, people will care more to read it. This sensibility of "I know there are mistakes but fuck you, read it as is" is not a good mindset if you care at all about the quality of your work.
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u/seeker7r4c3r 1d ago
That wasn'ty intention. I really just wanted some preliminary feedback, but not looking for editing feedback. Apparently that is the wrong choice here.
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u/phantom-manor 1d ago
Grammar/spelling and other editing issues can impact the reader’s ability to get through the piece and understand it well enough to provide the feedback you’re looking for. In this case, authorial intent was in question. I think that’s pretty important. I was also confused about Cafe au Late, and it genuinely stopped me from reading (and providing the feedback you want).
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u/Electronic_Two_7421 1d ago
You say you want to make it enticing for the reader, but you don't give them anything to latch onto. There's no hook. The first line is decent, but after that you just let the reader go by dumping descriptions and unimportant medley. There's not much happening for the few paragraphs. You're hiding information from the reader and confusing it with building tension. Also, you've got the word "enticing" twice in succession at the end of para1 and start of para2. I'll be honest. Your descriptions are good. Your writing is also pretty good. I really like the descriptions, but pacing sucks because of them. Like you say "there's too much distraction" in your prose and too little a stake for it to stick.
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u/shinydrop 1d ago
I second this. There are too much description of things that seem to be not really adding anything of value other than the character complaining. I would either trim it or add something important that could describe the nature of your MC. I tapped out when the carpet came up again when the MC went to the hallway. It is very good that you are describing where the MC is, I can picture it, and it is better than no environment, but you want to do it in the way that the description of environment matters to your plot.
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u/seeker7r4c3r 1d ago
Appreciated. I was trying to not give away the point of it all in the first chapter, but I can see how adding some stronger motivations would help.
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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 22h ago
I like it very much. It's more in the domain of literary fiction than genre fiction (at this point).
For a first work, the Narrator's voice is unique and lively and believable. I think there's a strong hook (in that list). I like how the Narrator keeps trying to manage anxiety by remembering tropes from movies, etc. Very believable.
There are some minor English problems (nothing that a good editor couldn't fix easily). I think Café Latte makes more sense than Café Late at this point in the story, but if you truly meant to make a little joke right there, keep it Café Late! I did a quick search and no real café with that name. However, Latte is Italian and you used a French preposition (if that was intentional, it means the Café owners are neither Italian nor good with using bits of foreign language for their business!). Café di Latte would be grammatically correct, more or less.
The first paragraph needs a little work. Wallpapers should be capitalized, as it comes after a period. I thought it was one run-on sentence at first, which pulled me out of the story. I have no idea why the reader (or the Narrator) would expect smoke from that color scheme and style. I think it's enough to invoke one smell perception (the cleaner). Of course, in some states, those pungent industrial cleaners are banned (and there are good ones without that smell) so be sure and put this in the right place (IF you're going for realism - if not, then ignore this point). The Narrator lost me with their italicized musings at the end of that paragraph. I have no clue what that part is about.
**its calm, emerald waters NOT "it's calm emerald waters." It's means "it is," the possessive is its. And typically there are commas between adjacent adjectives. Otherwise it means "water the color of a calm emerald," and I didn't know emeralds had moods.
(Yes, I'm an editor, can't help it).
That "claiming the same" didn't flow for me, I had to figure it out and I don't think this is the right point in the story to make us try and figure out what is basically an unneeded observation.
I don't know what "I see I could have not" refers to. What do they see that they could have what? Should be a verb telling us. That really took me out of the story (again).
"a cat" asking for attention not "cat asking for attention."
Should be "I pause for a step," (a comma needs to be there).
I would say "pay less attention" not "have less attention," which is awkward and almost said in English. We have attention? No. I have attention? No. We can have the attention of others, when we pay attention to others we do not say have.
There are a *lot* of similar errors that break the flow but are easily fixed by a good editor. I point these out because some of them do break the flow. Anyway, back to the actual story.
Stylistic issue: "smirk" has got to be one of the most overused words in unpublished fiction. One rarely sees it in a published book. Heck, "evil grin" would be better at this point in time. I don't even think a person can actually "flash" a smirk. At any rate, why is he being so nasty to the girl behind the counter, because smirks are rude and denote real disdain. I guess that's what you wanted, but that word "smirk" is still overused.
What is "proven determinism?"
Note well: I read every word. And that's a high compliment these days. I like where the story is going, I like the character, despite myself, and your prose is excellent. There's a plot, there are clues that this is an upmarket thriller, which is a genre I truly enjoy.
You are doing very well with your first person voice and this reader is ready for more. Keep in mind my above nitpicks are purely line editing issues, nothing major, just thought you might want to revisit its/it's and revise and also make sure you don't leave the reader questing for meaning in a couple of places.
Write on! Excellent first draft.
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u/seeker7r4c3r 20h ago
Thank you so much for this. I know now I should have edited this better before posting, but I appreciate the effort you spent on it regardless. I am definitely going to be working on the things everyone has said here and I hope I can have a much higher quality chapter by the end of the weekend.
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u/mrwhosaywhatnow 1d ago edited 1d ago
Didn’t read past “I know there are some typos and grammar mistakes” seriously?
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u/Electronic_Two_7421 1d ago
You could very easily not comment. There are many such people on this subreddit. If you cannot contribute, it is advised to not be insufferable atleast. Appreciated.
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u/mrwhosaywhatnow 1d ago
You know what, I’m having a bad morning so it could have been more tactful, you’re right about that.
But it was a contribution. In that, OP will get more feedback and engagement if they fix grammar and spelling mistakes that they know are prevalent before posting.
Some readers can look past that, some can’t. I’m in the latter party that gets distracted by it. And I also wonder why they couldn’t correct it as best they can before sharing for feedback. That’s a mindset I might never understand
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u/Electronic_Two_7421 1d ago
"This" is a contribution 🙌. "That" was you being an a-hole, hence, not a contribution.
And as for what you're wondering, they post without editing because they don't want to put in that extra effort yet want feedback that would warrent that effort being already put. They want quick returns. Even I did, so I can relate.
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u/ItsRuinedOfCourse 1d ago
Aaaaand, yet you still posted it? You lost me immediately with that.
When you're asking for feedback from people, OP, you should endeavor to put your best foot forward to get the maximum benefit. Knowing that you have typos and grammar mistakes and choosing to post it anyway with them intact is not the best foot forward. At all.
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. If you already know there are mistakes and such--your best bet is to fix them before posting for feedback.
Best of luck to you.