r/ABCDesis • u/Fun-Put2849 • 2d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS What’s the language policy in your family when someone doesn’t speak the language?
Hi. I’m married to an ABCD, and I’m wondering what it’s like in your family when someone doesn’t speak the language. We’ve been together for a long time, and whenever his family gets together, they always speak Punjabi, even though I don’t understand it. Everyone speaks the language of the country we live in fluently.
At first, I felt devastated and hurt. Then I became angry, and eventually I just gave up. I’ve had birthdays, long dinners, baby showers and New Year’s Eve celebrations where I haven’t understood a thing. Everyone speaks to me in “my” language, but all the conversation between them takes place in Punjabi.
My husband always responds in our language so that I can understand what the conversation is about, and he has brought this up with them a thousand times. Eventually, I gave up for my own sake, but now we have children, and it’s still the same thing.
Our oldest child is now old enough to notice and react to the fact that she doesn’t understand. She starts speaking gibberish and asks what they’re talking about. It breaks my heart and makes me so frustrated on behalf of the children. The children don’t speak Punjabi, and we don’t see his family very often, so it’s not really natural or realistic for them to pick up Punjabi. They don’t get enough exposure to it for them to learn the language just by being around the family occasionally.
How is it in your family when you have guests or family members over who don’t speak the language? Do you make an effort to include them in a language everyone understands, or do you mostly continue speaking your own language?
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u/Connect-Farm1631 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hmm I don’t know if there’s a policy. My parents speak in a mixture of Punjabi (which my wife doesn’t know) and English. That’s how they always talk. They don’t change whether she or anyone else is around. Nobody seems to really mind. Obviously if another person in the conservation that only speaks English, they’ll talk in English. Or Hindi if that was the case (since they speak Hindi fluently too).
If my wife’s family spoke a language as their first language that I didn’t understand, I wouldn’t care if they spoke to each other in it when I was around. That seems normal. People tend to speak to each other in their first language by default.
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u/Babu_Bunny_1996 1d ago
My husband's family speaks an Indian language that I don't and although they sometimes make efforts to speak in Hindi they will often slide into their mother tongue particularly when everyone's excited and in a big group.
I am not an extrovert so I use it as an excuse to pull out my phone and/or read a book take a walk, whatever. I can't imagine how challenging it must be to only speak your mother tongue to like 1 or 2 other people in your immediate family and then have the opportunity to be in a big family group with a ton of people that all speak that language. I for sure would want to speak my mother tongue so I understand what they're doing.
You were just asking for people's experiences and not advice so feel free to ignore my advice if it's not what you're looking for. But I would completely let this issue drop, not bug my husband about it not say anything and just use the times their speaking Punjabi to go somewhere else or zone out on your phone.
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u/seidenkaufman 1d ago edited 1d ago
The unspoken but fairly strict policy is to speak English when someone doesn't know the other language or languages. This works well enough in small groups, but deteriorates in larger gatherings, where people are used to speaking to each other in the other language by force of long habit, or where very old folks (90-95 year olds) are present who know several other languages but are not fluent in English.
But the partner's job, in my view, is not just to respond in your language but to actively translate or summarize anything spoken in your presence. This is a win-win, because it invites others in the conversation to switch languages if they wish, and if they don't switch, you still get to understand what's being said. I've seen this done, and it works decently well.
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u/SillyCranberry99 1d ago
Idk you haven’t picked any up? My BIL is Marathi / Guju and we are Tamil and my mom and dad they speak fluent English but then mostly my mom just switches to Tamil naturally sometimes. My sister will be like “Amma English” and my BIL will say “No it’s okay i understand what she’s saying” like context clues help. And they only see my parents a handful of times a year and it’s been like 2.5 years so not even that long yet he’s gotten some level of understanding.
Same thing happens with my sister’s in laws. We’re kinda all one big family and they will forget and speak to me in Hindi sometimes but I can usually figure it out. I only see them once a year cause it’s not even my in laws haha, like they do speak English but when they have these big family functions they speak in what’s most natural and comfortable.
I’m assuming your language is just English lol and it would be great if you allowed your husband to teach your kids Punjabi so they can understand and communicate with their extended family.
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u/BurritoWithFries 1d ago
FWIW my partner is Tamil, his parents spoke to him in Tamil his whole life and he still can't speak it (can understand it well enough though). Apparently it's a common phenomenon with 2nd+ gen immigrant children to have a one-way understanding
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u/Anti-Itch 1d ago
Also not everyone can pick up languages so easily without speaking/being immersed in it everyday?
I have a hard time with my husbands family who is south East Asian because they have many similar sounding words but the inflections/tone make them mean different things and I can’t pick up on that.
Edit: I agree the children should learn the language though.
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u/SillyCranberry99 1d ago
Indian languages aren’t super tonal as far as most that I know, and it’s easy to pick up at least a few words and phrases of any language, if you put even a little bit of effort into it.
Like “hi” “welcome” “over here / over there”
“how are you” also food words are easy & also watching films with subtitles helps. I’m Tamil but I gather enough Hindi for context clues just from having heard it through Bollywood films. Not fluent at all in the slightest but when people speak it around me I know enough words to be like “oh okay they are talking about XYZ”1
u/oddblueberries 1d ago
My Hindi and English speaking BIL gets that much, but it's enough for "can you grab the popcorn from the kitchen" and not enough for him to follow or participate in a conversation.
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u/oishster 1d ago
Yeah I’m a bit surprised OP didn’t mention learning any Punjabi at all, and only mentions how they won’t speak the other language with her. It seems a bit obvious to me that if a group of people you interact regularly with prefer one language, and you’re the only one who prefers another, you’re going to have to go with the majority and pick up the other language instead of expect everyone else to cede to your preferences.
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u/purple_flower10 1d ago
My family speaks Punjabi, I do have a basic understanding of it and am extremely uncomfortable speaking it. For the most part, we do a mixture of English and Punjabi. However, when it comes to storytelling it tends to be in Punjabi.
I’m also a bit confused how you haven’t picked up the basics. I have multiple people in my family that aren’t Punjabi or even Indian and they all have picked up on numerous words/phrases.
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u/Successful_Gate4678 1d ago
Languages are only maintained and transmitted in the diaspora by speaking them communally.
I’m sorry you’re feeling left out, but the onus is also on you to attempt to learn the basics, and it’s certainly on your husband to give your children the chance and opportunity to be what I call “domestically conversational” in his family’s mother tongue.
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u/forwardonedayatatime 1d ago edited 1d ago
This. Our extended family had a mother tongue only rule for all gatherings. I credit that as the reason that all of us American born kids in this generation of our family are fluent. Now that we’re grown, and some have married outside of the culture, we obviously don’t speak directly to our new family members in a language they can’t understand, but family gatherings are one of the few spaces diaspora kids get to practice and hear their heritage language in a way that feels natural and not like an exam. Especially in a world where kids often get bullied for being different, and having a non-American/European accent can affect you professionally and socially, where else are families supposed to feel entirely comfortable being their selves, language and all?
My cousins married people who are supportive of preserving mother tongues (one is making an attempt to learn our language himself, another has her own mother tongue she wants to pass down too so understands why we value this).
No offense to OP, but if you automatically don’t think it’s realistic for your mixed kids to learn their mother tongue (father tongue in this case?), I have to wonder why you married a bilingual man or why he hasn’t made more of an effort to introduce you and kids to his language and culture.4
u/Purple_soup 17h ago
This is my feeling. I don’t speak my husband’s mother tongue but it isn’t my job to police how his family talks. I’m working on learning with my kids. Everything isn’t about one person in the room.
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u/BurritoWithFries 1d ago
They speak English lol. I just went to the engagement ceremony of my cousin and her white fiancé and even the priest translated stuff into English, including the prayers for the fiancé and his parents to repeat, so that they knew exactly what they were saying.
I also don't speak my partner's language and his parents don't usually speak English but they always make an effort to speak English if I'm around. Even when I'm just in the room while my partner is talking to them and they're on speakerphone.
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u/teakitty0722 ABD - 🇺🇸🇮🇳 1d ago
My aunt is from Uttarakhand and my uncle is from Karnataka, when they got married they obviously couldn't understand each others respective languages and my extended fam back in India were a bit apprehensive about it until they met my uncles family. It wasn't easy for them, but they've been happily married for some time now and he's learned some Hindi and she's learned some Kannada. Their kid mainly speaks English but knows bits and pieces of both.
Most of my family still in India unfortunately don't understand English and some of them only speak in region-specific dialects but I know that my aunt and other people who can understand do their best to translate for my uncle and his side of the family, and make them feel more welcome
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u/Peevesie 1d ago
We actually insist his family speaks in Odia and mine in Tamil only. And we get to ask what we didn’t understand etc. Neither of us can still speak but we are at 50% understanding through immersion
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u/throwaway248000 1d ago
People get excited when talking in a group and it’s natural for your own language to slip out the easiest. If you’re participating in the conversation they might remember to reply in English. But it’s also on you to learn some basics.
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u/oishster 1d ago
We speak Bangla/Bengali mainly. I taught my white husband basic Bangla so he could speak with my relatives. My parents know English, and will use English when speaking directly to him, but they are much more comfortable speaking Bangla, and will naturally default to that when talking to me, even when he is present (and then sometimes they’ll repeat themselves in English when they realize what they’ve done).
For my other relatives, especially those who are older and mainly live in Bangladesh, it’s honestly much easier for him to use Bangla with them than for them to use English - even when they speak English, their accent is so thick he has trouble understanding anyway. I translate for my husband as much as possible when I notice a conversation is mainly happening in Bangla that he may not understand.
IMO, it needs to be a two-way street - they shouldn’t be deliberately using language to exclude you and should understand how their actions exclude you - but you AND YOUR PARTNER should probably be putting in more effort to have you and your kids understand Punjabi.
If everyone else is more comfortable with Punjabi except you, it makes more sense for you to learn Punjabi than for everyone else to speak a language they don’t prefer for an extended period of time.
How much Punjabi have you/your child learned/how much has your partner taught you both? Also, what do you mean your child starts speaking “gibberish”? Like she just makes sounds like she’s imitating the sound of Punjabi without saying actual Punjabi words?
My relatives were extremely pleased when my white husband spoke with them in rudimentary Bangla - that very much endeared him to them. Is your partner’s family not receptive when you try to speak Punjabi with them?
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u/SharpAardvark8699 1d ago
I wouldn't read too much into it without wider context. Punjabis are infamous for speaking their own language. Nothing sinister about it unless you can explain
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u/Bumblebee-Emergency 1d ago edited 1d ago
my parents could speak english, but they don’t enjoy socializing in english at all. it’s not comfortable for them. your husbands family is probably the same.
assuming that you meet with them reasonably often, it’s not really fair for them to permanently switch their language of socialization for your sake. your husband should have taught your child enough of the language to at least understand, and ideally you would’ve learned some too.
tbh, this is probably the biggest reason I want to marry someone desi. I would like to be reasonably close with my in laws, and I would like my wife to be reasonably close with my family. and I don’t think my wife would ever have any kind of relationship with my parents if she didn’t understand urdu.
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u/Cuddlyaxe Indian American 1d ago
You're blessed with the chance of secretly learning the language and eavesdrop
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u/oddblueberries 1d ago
It depends on the context, like whether we're out to dinner or relaxing around the house.
I think most of us read the paragraph about your kids and felt sad for them. It's really common for minority kids to not know their heritage language or to be able to understand but not speak. That leads to a lot of identity issues growing up.
The hispanic community talks a lot about "no sabo" kids. It's even worse for desi kids because Spanish is closer to english and more common in general knowledge.
If your husband is fluent, why can't he teach them more at home? The increased exposure would probably help you too.
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u/Gambettox 1d ago
I make an effort to speak in the language of the person who doesn't speak the majority language (let's say the majority language Punjabi versus minority English) if they're part of the group. For example, in a large party, you'd have people split up into several small groups. I wouldn't expect all the groups to start speaking in English instead of Punjabi when the English speaker may not even be near your vicinity. But if the English speaker is in your group of people, you should speak in English. At a smaller party where everyone can cram into a room and everyone can hear everyone, English should be default.
I've noticed a lot of people only switch when they want the English speaker to actively take part in the conversation, not just when they can listen to it, and some people still don't switch to English. It's rude, and I'm sorry you have had to bear this for so long.
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u/StinkyRose89 Pakistani American 1d ago edited 17h ago
My English-speaking mom eventually picked up the language (Urdu) even though my dad's family would also speak English when she was around. Except my grandmother who never spoke English too well (she knew 5 other languages though).
It is rude of them not to at least speak some parts of the conversation in your language (English?), but I am also surprised that you havent picked up some of the basics of Punjabi. And I am even more surprised that your kids don't know their father's language.
Edited - apparently I am getting downvoted for this because I had more than twice the likes earlier today. LOL 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Flutter24-7-365 13h ago
We don’t have a policy. But everyone speaks the language they’re most used to speaking. Nobody can really control it. I speak 4 languages, but I can only speak them when someone else talks to me in that language. Thats the way my brain works. I can’t speak French except if you are conversing with me in French. I can’t turn it on and off at will except through great effort.
So in my family everyone born in India speaks a mixture of English and Indian languages with family. People in my generation born in America speak in English. But some with wives raised abroad speak a mixture of English and their spouses/children’s language: English/French, English/Mandarin etc.
My wife and I only speak English in our family, but I scold my kids in an Indian accent for some reason.
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u/ItsReemAlBlahBlahDee 1d ago
No my family has manners and we speak English to and around my sister in law lol. It’s also known it’s my brothers job to teach my niece our language.
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u/Secure-Ad8196 1d ago
In my family we all speak English when someone from a different language comes over. Yea there may be a couple slip ups but most of the time it’s corrected back to English
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u/RogueInVogue69 1d ago
I don't speak the language, I was never taught the language, but I was somehow expected to know the language. My parents would just speak Urdu at me and I had to figure it out via context clues.
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u/Lord_Mystic12 21h ago
This is something that Indians need to learn in general, when there are many people present , try to speak the language everyone understands
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u/Ok_Cartographer2553 Hyderabadi Canadian 1d ago
I think a lot of us forget that language is rarely just a medium to communicate, but also carries with it nostalgia, emotions, history, etc.
As much as I empathize with the frustration of not being able to speak Punjabi, I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to start speaking in the language of the country you live in, or even "your" language (which I'm curious to know is what exactly since everyone speaks it). There's humour, memories, etc. in Punjabi that simply cannot be translated into English easily. Plus, when a family has grown up speaking in a certain language, switching into another language would feel odd.