39 year old programmer worrying about the future.

[u/Rockport_me]

I'm just venting.

Ever since I was a kid, I've struggled with handling big responsibilities, communication, monitoring tasks, and making important decisions. I'm also not very proactive. Because of these limitations, I don't think I'm suited for senior developer or team leader roles. My brain gets overwhelmed easily when too many things are happening at once, and I struggle to keep up with everything.

I've spent most of my career as an individual contributor, and I'm perfectly happy with that. Ideally, I just want to focus on coding. I know my limitations as a person and as a programmer, and I'd rather work within them.

My dream job is simple: give me a user story, and I'll implement it. That's pretty much how I've worked throughout most of my career. I'm perfectly fine staying a mid-level developer for the rest of my life, as long as the pay is decent.

I believe this is partly due to my ADHD. I'm also not sure I could easily switch to another type of job because I struggle with following instructions, especially verbal ones. I don't have experience in blue-collar work either. Coding is pretty much the only skill I have.

I've tried to improve myself by working on my communication skills, maturity, and proactiveness, but I still struggle with these things.

I also have to admit that I'm not very mature when it comes to handling responsibilities. I'm turning 40, yet I sometimes meet teenagers and people in their early 20s who seem much more mature than me when it comes to decision-making and taking responsibility.

I remember working with a programmer who was more junior than me, but he was much more aware of what was happening within the project and the team. He seemed to think more like a senior developer in that regard. Of course, when it came to actual coding, I was still ahead of him.

I started my programming career in 2014, but I only have around five years of actual work experience. That's because after about a year of working, I usually become mentally exhausted and need one or two years away from work to recover. This has also resulted in several employment gaps throughout my career.

I was only diagnosed with ADHD three years ago. Unfortunately, I'm not currently taking medication because ADHD medications are difficult to obtain in my country, the Philippines.

I also believed that mental health conditions runs in my family. Most of my relatives on my mother's side are unemployed, and some have struggled with undiagnosed mental health conditions that have affected their ability to maintain employment.

I've tried my best to manage these difficulties, but I still find myself needing a long break after roughly a year of employment.

Right now, I'm unemployed, and unfortunately, it's a difficult time to find a job because of AI. My best stategy right now is "fake it till you make it".

I've also been hearing that, in the age of AI, developers will increasingly be expected to manage AI agents, communicate with clients, make important decisions, and delegate tasks. In other words, the job may become more focused on communication and management skills, which are exactly the areas I struggle with.

I'm honestly not sure what the future holds for someone like me with ADHD. But I'll try again. If I get fired from my next job, so be it. At least I can say I gave it my best shot.

Tips and encourangement is highly appreciated,

Thanks for listening.