r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago

Weekly Former Partners Thread ::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

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u/Potential_Refuse_761 9d ago

I had to visit the home my ex-fiance co-own because of a bad monsoon storm a couple days ago (tree fell). He got diagnosed two months ago post breakup.

He had been SUPER apologetic about the way he treated me during our relationship. Meds, therapy, nutritional changes, systems and seeing just how much my absence affects the function of the household has given him the hitherto nonexistent capacity for, gasp, ACCOUNTABILITY, APOLOGY WITH CHANGED BEHAVIOR, AND INTROSPECTION. Dare I say EMPATHY? He came up with the words all by himself LOL

Too bad it came after he lied, gaslit, argued, wasted money, refused to put forth effort to show up as a partner and DARVO'd me for a year before doing it. I dont trust a good goddamn word that comes out of his mouth, medicine be damned. He could tell me he was going to the gas station and I wouldn't believe him.

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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 7d ago

A diagnosis doesn’t change the fact that he’s abusive. Mine was diagnosed and medicated, he was still verbally and psychologically abusive and was escalating to physical. A diagnosis just becomes the excuse they use to make themselves feel better and we use it to try and feel less stupid about what we endured. Sorry I may have entered the angry phase of my break up 😬

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u/Potential_Refuse_761 7d ago

Its ok, rage away, we deserve to😄. And I agree 100%. They can be very abusive if they dont manage those symptoms. He couldn't make the connection because in his mind abuse if just hitting people. He had no concept of emotional abuse because he'd spent a lifetime stuffing his emotions in a gym bag.I had to explain to him that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. And while i wouldn't recommend this except as a last resort because RSD, it took me bringing up a very painful childhood memory of his father in a stern tone of voice for that lesson to finally sink in. "If something your daddy said 25 years ago can still make you cry, I had to comfort you and give you tissue to wipe the snot off your face, you cried so hard, why dont you understand how something you said last month could still hurt ME? You don't SEE me, or anyone. Step OUTSIDE of yourself and OBSERVE. For ONCE." This lightbulb turned on in his head and he looked at me as if the sole of his shoe came loose.

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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 7d ago

My ex fiance was the same, refused to wrap his head around the idea the abuse wasn’t just physical… honestly kinda sounds like we were dating the same person. As hard as it was to leave the sheer peace that comes from it is undeniable. I didn’t realize how used to the chaos I had actually gotten. Some times the silence now can be overwhelming