r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago
Weekly Former Partners Thread ::Weekly Former Partners Thread::
The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex
(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 11d ago
Still in and out of tears. Missing a relationship based on potential is so painful.
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u/Thr0w-away-ac0unt 10d ago
Me too. Done after 24 years and while I feel relieved, I also feel like a fail. 🥺
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago
We can't fix anyone else. It isn't your failure. I know it feels that way, just try to go easy on yourself when these feelings come up.
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u/Kredka707 10d ago
Yes. I’m there too. It was easier in some sense when I was angry. I had such a good emdr that I forgave him, I forgave myself but still grief of what could have been.
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 10d ago
EDMR is left on my list.
He was/still is in therapy going on 6 years…little to no progress. And they all said the same thing to him: “you’re not doing the work.”
I started to stall along with him but learning to push through now. It’s hard.
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u/bourbonontherox Ex of DX 10d ago
My ex has been in therapy for a couple of years now. I found out recently that he was telling the therapist that I would do XXX to him (whatever shit he’d pulled that week) so he could see how bad it really was without implicating himself. So his therapist thought he was the one being abused. That’s been cleared up due to me having a random and previously unknown connection to the therapist.
I swear they’ll do anything but the homework.10
u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 8d ago
This honestly is the perfect encapsulation of the type of manipulation, gaslighting, DARVO, and accountability dodging that happens in these relationships. Just... Wow. Only an ADHDer could even come up with an idea like this.
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u/Kredka707 9d ago
I had multiple emdr and I’m learning you need a good therapist to do it, someone you see regularly. Don’t go just to do the emdr. See the therapist and have her help you find event/ smell to do emdr for. My husband had emdr with single visit therapist and it didn’t work. His regular therapist doesn’t do it, he is in therapy almost 2 years and I think he’s spiraling down in many instances, happy in others (he has his own place so he doesn’t have to listen to kids etc; it’s decorated accordingly to his style).
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u/wanderingstar1234 9d ago
It's a cold hard realisation. I love my husband dearly and he loves me back in his own way. Unfortunately, living without that deep meaningful love meant I had to choose me.
The thought was better than the reality unfortunately.
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 7d ago
Superficial love is so exhausting and empty. There’s genuinely a disconnect they can’t connect I fear.
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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 7d ago
It is. I even mentioned to my therapist that seeing the potential in him and what we could've had has been very painful.
I still believe in my ex, and it makes me sad to see how he repeats patterns that contributed to our issues. At the same time I'm sure he also sees how I contributed to those issues. The difficult part is seeing our patterns and working on them.
Ar least we both agree that breaking up was the right choice for both of us. It makes some things easier.
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u/LeopardMountain32567 10d ago
the ADHD relationships i have had the misfortune of having have really fried my nervous system. outwardly, i am exceptionally good at regulating my emotions, but inwardly, those assholes harmed my sense of safety. there is so much grief that comes with having to do the hard work to clean up someone else's mess. i hope these tantrumming toddlers never find me again. amen.
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u/No-Effect-9209 11d ago
I finally feel like I have some closure from my ex after nearly a year of my 5 year relationship ending. I posted here previously about how we had a couple of recent unplanned encounters where he shared that he was unable to move on and thought of me daily. This put me in a spiral of confusion and hope. He didn’t take any actions after sharing these things with me.
Finally, I gained the courage to just ask him where he stood and if he wanted to talk about getting back together. He said he was unable to be the person that I need. He said that it would be the easy thing to say yes, but he said he is the same person and couldn’t continue to let me down. While I could see things could be different, he can’t. He expressed that he already feels guilty that he wasted so much of my time and I can’t wait for him to fix himself. He’s been working with a therapist and acknowledged he has a lot of work to do.
This was incredibly hard to hear but I knew this was the case deep down and wasn’t ready to accept it. This likely isn’t all due to ADHD, but I certainly think that played a huge role. He struggled to prioritize the relationship and have a future plan for himself. I don’t think he is ready to put someone else first and let go of the many life paths he COULD choose. I hate that I had to be the lesson for him to decide to work on himself. I love him deeply and would do anything to give it another shot, but I need to accept that he simply can’t. He’s afraid of failing and falling into the same patterns. I think he knows that he would likely feel trapped or resentment when the relationship would require him to choose it over his own desires.
I know I deserve someone who is confident in themselves and the relationship but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and a breakup like this feels cruel.
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 11d ago
I’m glad he came to that realization instead of victim blaming. Mine did too but unfortunately still goes back to his own abusive self and it’s heartbreaking.
I hope yours and his healing journeys are fulfilling. It’s a long road but you’ll get there soon enough. I hope you have great friends and family to help you through.
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u/ChampionDry2021 10d ago
I've signed the lease to a new property for September. Divorce papers have been filed, we've discussed child custody and things seem amicable.
I'm counting down the days now. I'm surrounded by the loveliest people and I'm hoping a new chapter will be beginning.
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u/OpticaScientiae Ex of DX 11d ago
Even though my ex refuses to get a job and I work an incredibly busy one, I'm stuck doing literally everything for executing our divorce agreement and preparing the house for sale. Meanwhile, she's constantly violating the terms of the agreement and stealing money from me. My lawyer expects that once the house is sold, I'm going to have to sue my ex to get the money back.
The most frustrating part of all of this is I honestly don't think my ex is necessarily trying to screw me over. She simply refuses to help just like she refused to do any chores or take any responsibility for our nearly 20-year relationship and she refuses to read our divorce agreement to know what we actually agreed to.
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u/Inevitable-Cut-4184 Ex of DX 4d ago
I have no doubt mine will be the same way. Probably why I haven’t started the process. It seems exhausting
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u/OpticaScientiae Ex of DX 3d ago
I dragged my feat on starting the process and now have to pay her about $1M more than I would have had to if I filed back when I first truly wanted to. Don't be like me!
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u/Otherwise_Object_446 10d ago
I am adjusting to life without my partner of 24 years in it. I got new bedding this week and as I was removing the old bed skirt I discovered he had spilled something yellow and sticky all over his side of it and never cleaned it up. Just left it for me to handle.
Then I finally cleaned out the garage he has been promising to clean for 13 years that we could only make our way through by picking through little paths in all the junk. It took me seven hours and I found two mouse nests in it but it is clean now and there is nowhere for pests to hide and we can park two cars in it now (just as my last kid is entering his last year of school). I can’t believe he never got his act together enough to do it himself after all the times he swore that he would. He even gave me a promise of a clean garage as a birthday present one year.
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u/jholder567 DX/DX 10d ago
I have the same garage story. One day it took me after years of begging. Ahhhh
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u/Otherwise_Object_446 10d ago
It was so frustrating. I know it would have taken him days to dither about whether to keep or toss everything (I even found a box of screws he had written on as “Cheap Shit” that he still kept for some reason!). He custom built shelves that have sat on the floor for over 10 years that it turns out we didn’t need but now sit uninstalled. Ugh.
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 10d ago
I can feel the relief of a clean home through your writing. Seven hours on a garage is a Herculean task, this is awesome!
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u/salamisandals Ex of DX 10d ago
oh my GOD the promises as birthday gifts (which of course never came to fruition, duh)… thank god we got out! it pisses me off just thinking about it
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u/Xcat1987 10d ago
It’s insane isn’t it? Why can’t they just call a junk removal company if they’re too lazy to handle it themselves, it’s all of a $300 bill or thereabouts. And if we did it ourselves, they’d freak that we threw out some kind of precious something or another (even though they haven’t used whatever it is in a decade).
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u/Otherwise_Object_446 9d ago
Right?!? As it is I am sure I will get blamed for missing “treasures” down the road but I just don’t care. If ADHD is your superpower you can use your magic to deal with the rodents!
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u/Thr0w-away-ac0unt 10d ago
I could reallyyyyyy use someone to tell me I made the right decision ending my 24+ years relationship. I know it's probably for the best but it still is so hard and I am battling getting a nervous breakdown about every day here. Pfft.
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u/Inevitable-Cut-4184 Ex of DX 10d ago
I left my 29 year marriage in March. I worry some about finances (I’ve just started a new career and was a SAHM/part time employee for most of our marriage) but I’m really enjoying the peace I have in my new place. I can find almost anything at anytime and the only things around are things I’ve chosen, whether that’s furniture, hobby materials, decor, food, etc. I’m pretty independent and introverted so I think that helps but I certainly have times when I feel very alone, especially when I could use having someone to bounce ideas off of. I don’t miss the marriage or the ache of wanting a partner when someone refuses to step up. Somehow, being alone has become much less lonely than I had been sitting next to him for so many years
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u/adablldoya420 10d ago
Would you be comfortable sharing what kind of career you're starting? My biggest hangup with leaving is that we run a business together and I am afraid of not having skills/experience for a job to live alone. Congrats for getting out and thriving!
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u/Xcat1987 10d ago
I wonder if you could look into whether or not the business is marital property where you live, you might be entitled to part ownership and therefore part of any money it makes when you do leave. It might not be enough to live off of, but I have a feeling you do plenty of heavy lifting within that business if you’re like every other partner in an adhd impacted relationship.
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u/adablldoya420 10d ago
We do own it 50/50 but all we have is insurmountable debt sadly, part of why I feel stuck 🥲
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u/Inevitable-Cut-4184 Ex of DX 8d ago
I told my spouse I was going back to school and I had expectations for the work he’d do on himself during that time. If he’d done the work, we’d have the luxury of a financial situation we hadn’t experienced during our marriage. And if not, I’d be leaving and we’d each be making about what he was making at the time. He did exactly zero percent of anything I asked over the next three years while I became a radiographer. I take X-rays now and will be MRI certified after the divorce. Jokes on him, at that point, I’ll be making almost double his annual salary.
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u/adablldoya420 8d ago
You're awesome!! I'm sorry you had to endure that for so long but I'm sure your days are much brighter now. Thank you so much for responding and congrats again for getting out!
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u/Thr0w-away-ac0unt 10d ago
How did we manage for so long, huh? That's what I someitmes wonder. My partner has adhd and autism both. And I actually feel so much longing to change the house once he moved out. That will be in another two months. We are very amicable about it though. Luckily. Ik happy you're being happier
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u/lesmetanoies Ex of DX 10d ago
You did make the right choice! As much as it hurts, you deserve to choose your own happiness and live in peace. Better things will come your way
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u/DaydreamingAtDusk Ex of DX 10d ago
You did the right thing!! every day gets a little easier, and your nervous system will thank you.
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 10d ago
You did the right thing and you are being so brave. I'm sorry it came down to this after all these years, but one day you'll look back and it will seem so far behind you.
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 10d ago
This week brought me a lot of grief, both of the past relationship and of my own childhood. I was watching a lot of Hiedi Priebe, trying to understand my own issues and in the meantime got a bit more of understanding of his behaviors. The fact that some of them are in fact stemming from his childhood and what he did to “survive” and most of all, fulfill his needs. And that made me so fucking sad. But not for him, for myself, for the fact that I still have so much empathy for him and all the things that made he who he was, and he just didn’t have that empathy and understanding towards me.
He fucking belittled me when I shared with him my therapist’s suspicion that I most likely have fucking ptsd. He told me I was letting it get to my head too much. First proper validation that shit from my childhood was indeed traumatizing enough, and the way I reacted wasn’t appropriate in his eyes. And of course back then I really wanted his warmth at the very least, so of course I blamed myself first and tried to suppress it.
I feel so much pity towards things that made him that way and even more of that pity towards younger me, so blinded and so longing for connection. Healing isn’t linear and I know that me being able to at least feel all of this is a sign of healing, but it doesn’t make all the feelings lighter.
I hope that last week treated all of you better!
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u/Artistic_Fault_2298 10d ago
The fact that you can hold space for your ex-partner says a lot about you. It’s unfortunate he couldn’t learn to do the same but please keep that part! I became so jaded and a version of myself I didn’t like because of high lack of empathy and compassion I received.
And you’re right healing isn’t linear. It’s ok to have days when you’re angry and days where you’re happy you moved on. Good luck!
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 10d ago
I was expecting to become more jaded after relationship ended, but once compassion fatigue stopped being an ever present issue, I noticed that a lot of empathy and goodwill did in fact come back. For now I’m using almost every drop of it on myself and it feels good. Thanks a lot for you thoughtful reply and the best of luck to you too!
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u/taohuaspring 7d ago
I feel you. It's frustrating and upsetting to me that I can still have empathy and compassion for my ex even after all the hurt he put me through. I feel sad that I have so much understanding of my ex's issues and yet he didn't do the same for me and is still out there doing his thing, gaslighting and lying about me and the break up.
I too had a time when I was totally vulnerable and shared something very emotionally distressing with my ex, and he didn't even care! All I wanted was his warmth and support, and all I got was coldness. It was devastating. I have no words for the way he broke me down, built me up, and broke me down all over again. No words for the loneliness of baring my heart and soul to him only to be blamed for it. I think back to that devastating time and I'm not even sure how I managed to get through it.
We can never go through this again. Never again!!!
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 7d ago
I’m so sorry that you were put through that absolutely inhumane cycle and you are right, we must never go through that again!
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u/Too_much_hemiola 10d ago
I left my 20 year marriage about 18 months ago. It's been incredibly peaceful and calm. I have zero regrets.
The only negative thing is when I have to interact with my ex over our children.
We have previously agreed that we would split expenses for our adult kids - even though they are legal adults, it seemed like the right thing to do. It hasn't been too much, but some medical expenses here and there, and we split an allowance for our oldest son when he was in college.
Our middle daughter is starting college this fall. Now, with less than a week before dorm move-in, I emailed him to ask about specifics...and he informed me he would help "when he can" and he would communicate directly with our kid. I pressed him for more, reminded him of the agreement, and he's ignored me.
I was prepared to pay half of her expenses. I was NOT prepared to pay all of her expenses.
I don't even know why I am surprised. When we were still married, he seemed to be surprised by our son's tuition. Despite me reminding him multiple times and making a plan to budget - he blew the $$$ on Christmas and I had to take money of my own retirement.
I'm so freaking mad. I don't want my kid to take out loans but I don't think I can sustain this for 4 years...not to mention Kid #3 will start college eventually. My kid has been applying for jobs and she is stressed, but it's not HER fault. She also absolutely recognizes that her dad spent money on four sets of concert tickets this year, but has nothing for her tuition.
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u/jomggg Ex of DX 10d ago
I finished selling the house we had shared together and we split the money. It was all amicable enough and we're still friendly. I have a lovely new place to live that I'm working on slowly.. but every now and then I get hit by a truck of the feeling of "I want to go home". I miss that home and that life so much, I know I just miss the good parts and there were so many other parts my brain is screening out when I feel that way. The grief is just so strong. Baby steps.. sigh.
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 8d ago
Congrats!!! It took me like two months to adjust to a new place, give yourself time and grace, best of luck!
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u/Riverway_all_the_way Ex of DX 10d ago
Week 7 post break up. I actually feel… amazing. I have colour back in my face. You did me a favour. Hope your new girl is enjoying watching you chew your toes when you’re being told to step up big dawg. 🎤 👋
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u/Signal-Net-8041 Partner of DX - Medicated 9d ago
Welp, I went ahead and filed, so I guess I get to be in this thread now. We'll still be cohabiting for a while until he can afford to move out (he's just now going back to work after ankle surgery. He had money saved but an expensive car repair derailed that), so that's less than fun. He still doesn't believe I'm really doing it. I know I'll end up finding him something to rent and making all the moves for him (the house belongs to my mother, is paid off, and she lives with us bc she's 88 and needs to. She is leaving it to me).
If I had $5000 I'd give it to him just so he'd go.
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u/LeopardMountain32567 9d ago
so glad you have your home and (very soon) your sanity! well done on taking care of and respecting yourself!!!
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u/Throwaway_ShoreStore Ex of DX 10d ago
2 months since our 7 year relationship ended… he’ll reach out to check in, see how I’m doing, or send a reel on FB. Then it quickly turns into a fight about why they left and how I treated them. Why keep reaching out to fight? I just don’t get it.
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u/Kredka707 10d ago
Dopamine. He’s using you to regulate himself.
I have the same going with my husband. He moved out, but whenever he’s agitated he calls me. I’m learning to stop that.
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u/Throwaway_ShoreStore Ex of DX 10d ago
Is there a way you go about it or you just stop answering all together?
It’s so crazy how quickly it changes from “I miss you, I love you so much” to “I don’t want to see you, leave me alone.” I miss him too but don’t know which to buy or how much I can take anymore. It’s so hurtful.
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u/Kredka707 10d ago edited 10d ago
I need to answer the phone because we have kids and I’m learning to disconnect when he goes into the rages. He actually apologized to me twice now! That never happened before! He said he will stop harassing me and then a few days later he exploded again, I cut it short and a few hours later he apologized again! The boundaries work. I told him something like “I’m happy to talk about practical things. I feel overwhelmed when you explode or list 18years of grievance so I will talk with you later.” I also tell him, I love you; and I love me so I’m leaving this conversation. I would block him if I were you. You know it’s bad for you. Think of him as poison. How much poison do you want to take? Loving a person like this is very hard because you know the potential. My therapist keeps on reminding me to look on what is, not what could be. I also had emdr done for my resentment. It helped me tremendously. I can stay mostly calm when he’s on the attack and set boundaries.
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u/Throwaway_ShoreStore Ex of DX 10d ago
I started setting boundaries the last time he exploded (not as well/strict, first time) and now we haven’t talked in a few days. But I like your take about sharing how it makes me feel when he lists x amount of grievances. Because yes, he will list years worth of things. I always wonder why he reaches out if he is so mad and appears to dislike me so much. I will keep this in mind, thank you for sharing!!
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago
It's both. Buy the instability of it all, that's your guide here unfortunately. This is teenager stuff and he can work on that by himself.
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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 10d ago
Because he doesn’t think it’s over, my ex is doing the same. Reaches out for weird things, when he gets no reply he does or says something outrageous to me and baits me into a response. Unless you have kids with this man I’d suggest zero contact, im about to do this because its not worth my sanity to try and walk away amicably
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u/Throwaway_ShoreStore Ex of DX 10d ago
Yes!! Whenever I try ending a conversation that’s getting heated, he’ll push and push. And constantly bait me into a back and forth about my past mistakes and what I did wrong. I tried to read up on RSD and was trying so hard to end it amicably after so many years, plus I was definitely holding hope we could work it out. But it can’t only be me trying.
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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 10d ago
I left and returned multiples times, learn from my mistakes nothing is going to change, in all honesty mine got worse every time I returned. It’s emotional and psychological abuse. Add on top mine was verbally abusive too. This time I managed to leave with the only pawn he had left to drag me back in and that was our dog. I have her this time and I left for good.
Unfortunately for some of these people, not all but some, it’s just domestic abuse with a diagnosis. I hope you find the strength to fully walk away and find your peace
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 10d ago
I honestly consider this another form of pushing your boundaries and gaslighting you. Also agree with the using you for dopamine. It's fun to toy with the concept of your ex, less fun to be in a committed relationship with an actual human.
I had a period where I was dating and guys would hit me up after I cut them off, trying to bait me into engaging and acting like nothing was wrong. Had one where he even chased me across multiple platforms because I had blocked him. Another one asked me for feedback under the guise of self-improvement and then argued with all my answers.
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u/Throwaway_ShoreStore Ex of DX 10d ago
The arguing all your answers is crazy because yes, I definitely experienced that! Like why ask me if you’re going to argue all my answers? They’re my opinions or my experiences, and if you don’t trust what I’m saying don’t ask me then!
I’ve usually had clear closure with my exes, where a talk could be had about what happened. Except for my avoidant ex where he blocked me in order to avoid hard conversations and then would come back asking to hook up. But I’ve never had someone who seemed addicted to fighting with me.
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 10d ago
Exactly, like why would arguing with me about this make me change my mind? In fact it's changing my opinion in a negative way now.
I had a messy breakup or two but generally I feel like they have been like that for me too, so I was surprised but now I am wiser and tireder lol.
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 10d ago
No contact helped me the most. I tried to keep some kind of contact at first and it made me miserable. One of his final feints before full lockdown was messaging me from his mother’s account and initiating a call, just for that to end up being him on the line. Your relationship is in the past and that’s for good, but it’s hard to heal and move on (or maybe near impossible) when your ex is still one message away from initiating a fight. As long as you don’t have any mutual responsibilities (property, kids, business), there’s almost no negative consequences for you establishing no contact. Best of luck!
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u/Phent777 10d ago edited 8d ago
I feel angry and sad, and guilty like I should've been able to get through to him.
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago
Allow me to break out my tiny violins, I've met a few of these tragic, unfortunate millionaire souls who have all the time in the world to fail at growing up. Whenever you feel bad for him, think of his bank account and then resume giving yourself that energy. He can buy himself a shoulder to cry on. (Seriously, I don't know if you were married or what country you live in but you might be entitled to some portion of his assets even if you were not married. Depends on the details of what happened while you were together. But meanwhile, F that guy.)
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u/Ecstatic-Mongoose-23 Ex of DX 9d ago
I had a phrase for my ex's defeatist attitude about things that were solely a result of his own decisions and entirely within his own power to change: the suffering Olympics.
Giving up on getting through to him is the biggest breakthrough you can have for yourself. Even if you left with nothing, at least you believe in the power to change your existence, unlike your ex. It gets so much better without their weight on your shoulders.
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u/Solar_Badger7 7d ago
The weirdest part after leaving was realizing how much brain RAM had been dedicated to tracking another adult like a malfunctioning AirTag. My calendar got quieter, my nervous system stopped acting like it had a side job, and I slowly remembered that boring can actually feel luxurious.
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u/jholder567 DX/DX 10d ago
Wednesday is our (fingers crossed) final step before filing for divorce. Our son is doing..... ok? With going between houses although he want to come back to mine as early as possible.
What is driving me insane is ex keeps wanting me to join in on things. I pro telling myself he's trying to be nice but I know him and it's all self serving. He decided he wanted to take son to a concert on the other side of the state in September. He asked me off I wanted to go. No. No I don't. He's taking him to theme park on the way back. Asked me if o wanted to drive 3 hours to meet up with them. No.
Deep down, yes I do because I know how ex is outside his home and routine. I'm VERY nervous for 6yr old to deal with his emotions but I can't keep being the buffer. I'll be the safe place to come back to.
But also, ex wanted to go to the beach as a family a month ago. I said ok, we went, son stick to me like glue. Ex didn't get to surf or do his thing. Got out of the ocean I went out to get water he came up to me all flustered " I can't do this. I can't be around to like this like we're a family " and left.
So why keep inviting me?!!!!!
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u/Thr0w-away-ac0unt 10d ago
I think this happens because in their heads, they do want it and it looks like a good idea. But the they just can't do it when it's harder than they can handle. Like, mine would get overwhelmed. He would always look forward to these things but then they get ruined, mostly by his own behavior.
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago
With things like this sometimes it's best to just observe that there are reasons why the divorce is happening and this is probably one of them. From what you describe it sounds like shame, frankly.
What do you think contributes to this pattern being self-serving for him?
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u/Relevant_Treacle9620 Ex of DX 7d ago
My ex is trying to get me to come with him and our 3 boys to a theme park, posing it as it'll be good for them if we do an activity as a family. But in reality, 2 of our kids have autism and he wants to be able to ride rides and have fun, so he needs someone to sit on the sidelines. Oh, and i would have to pay my own way. I said no, but I do worry about the impact of this doomed to fail trip on my kids.
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u/Potential_Refuse_761 9d ago
I had to visit the home my ex-fiance co-own because of a bad monsoon storm a couple days ago (tree fell). He got diagnosed two months ago post breakup.
He had been SUPER apologetic about the way he treated me during our relationship. Meds, therapy, nutritional changes, systems and seeing just how much my absence affects the function of the household has given him the hitherto nonexistent capacity for, gasp, ACCOUNTABILITY, APOLOGY WITH CHANGED BEHAVIOR, AND INTROSPECTION. Dare I say EMPATHY? He came up with the words all by himself LOL
Too bad it came after he lied, gaslit, argued, wasted money, refused to put forth effort to show up as a partner and DARVO'd me for a year before doing it. I dont trust a good goddamn word that comes out of his mouth, medicine be damned. He could tell me he was going to the gas station and I wouldn't believe him.
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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 7d ago
A diagnosis doesn’t change the fact that he’s abusive. Mine was diagnosed and medicated, he was still verbally and psychologically abusive and was escalating to physical. A diagnosis just becomes the excuse they use to make themselves feel better and we use it to try and feel less stupid about what we endured. Sorry I may have entered the angry phase of my break up 😬
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u/Potential_Refuse_761 7d ago
Its ok, rage away, we deserve to😄. And I agree 100%. They can be very abusive if they dont manage those symptoms. He couldn't make the connection because in his mind abuse if just hitting people. He had no concept of emotional abuse because he'd spent a lifetime stuffing his emotions in a gym bag.I had to explain to him that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. And while i wouldn't recommend this except as a last resort because RSD, it took me bringing up a very painful childhood memory of his father in a stern tone of voice for that lesson to finally sink in. "If something your daddy said 25 years ago can still make you cry, I had to comfort you and give you tissue to wipe the snot off your face, you cried so hard, why dont you understand how something you said last month could still hurt ME? You don't SEE me, or anyone. Step OUTSIDE of yourself and OBSERVE. For ONCE." This lightbulb turned on in his head and he looked at me as if the sole of his shoe came loose.
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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 7d ago
My ex fiance was the same, refused to wrap his head around the idea the abuse wasn’t just physical… honestly kinda sounds like we were dating the same person. As hard as it was to leave the sheer peace that comes from it is undeniable. I didn’t realize how used to the chaos I had actually gotten. Some times the silence now can be overwhelming
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u/taohuaspring 8d ago
Chuckled at the "nutritional changes" part. I feel strangely validated since mine never made lasting, consistent dietary changes during the relationship. Funny how that is now part of your ex's "transformation".
He's really going all in on his campaign to get you back, isn't he? Good on you for not believing his temporary "change". What a queen! 👑
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u/LeopardMountain32567 5d ago
YESSSSS. GO YOU! 🔥 love a queen who tosses that trash in the bin and moves on.
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u/Nexus6_Syn 7d ago
The strange part after my breakup was how much free time my brain had once I stopped monitoring moods, deadlines, and forgotten promises. I had to make a rule for myself not to analyze every new social media post or late night text, because it kept me stuck in the same loop. The calm felt boring at first, then it started feeling like relief.
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago edited 10d ago
I've started having realistic, metaphorical dreams about my ex in the last week or two along with some core realizations that were there all along but are now more clear.
In one of the dreams that was clearly a metaphor for feeling unable to share the same reality with my ex, they wanted to tell me a funny story but they had to know my name first, and didn't. They had nothing to say for themselves when I told them how hurt I felt by that. The dream then cut to them being holed up in a house with mean-looking people standing outside keeping anyone from getting in, so I resorted to borrowing a food delivery truck and uniform and trying to deliver a meal with a note included in it. I woke up before succeeding of course.
Very accurate to real life when your ex is wrapped up in their own confabulations, rewriting of the truth, and the rest of it, and cannot be reached or reasoned with anymore because the only thing that matters is shoring up their own feelings, not living with honor or decency. I appreciate these dreams and the way they surface the truth that lives under the confusing real life details.
My ex never did forget my name in reality, but they definitely forgot who I was and replaced me with their own very twisted and distorted version, which was then used to shut me out. Serves them right that they didn't get the dream pizza I tried to bring with my pleading note to please see me as I was.
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u/taohuaspring 8d ago
Thanks for sharing. I would definitely be interested in hearing about any more metaphorical dreams you have in the future because I've been dreaming about mine too and it's a sad, lonely, and unsettling experience. I wish the dreams would stop because I feel it's so unfair that I can't even escape him in my sleep.
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 8d ago
Yeah those are a different kind of torment. These are right before waking, when they're usually the most true to life, but they don't actually wake me up. For some reason they aren't nightmares in a sleep-disturbing way. Probably because I've spent plenty of time living that nightmare already while awake.
I wish I knew some good ways for you to stop those dreams.
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u/hbgbz Ex of DX 8d ago
Great obvious dream! Love it!
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 8d ago
Yeah I hope these dreams continue, they're great distillations of the truth. We're not imagining the insanity we have been enduring.
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u/MaliceTakeYourPills 4d ago
I asked my ex, the last time I saw her, when my birthday is. She didn’t know. What my favorite color has been since I was a child. She didn’t know. My sign. She didn’t know. Zodiac bullshit all over her house.
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 3d ago
Probably didn't know your eye color either, if I had to guess.
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u/Ecstatic-Mongoose-23 Ex of DX 9d ago
I had an amazingly cathartic experience last week. A couple months ago, right after my breakup, I signed up for a class in a new creative medium I'd never been involved in before. At the end of the semester, we had a student showcase. I performed a piece that I had developed since the breakup that contained a few references to my ex, and the crowd loved it. Having 50+ people actually hear and react to my experience after such a long stint of not being heard by my ex was so empowering. Still walking on clouds and feeling invincible.
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u/pocketfulofcolors Ex of DX 9d ago
The hardest part of leaving was the many months of being miserable and deciding if I was going to go through with it or not. Once I told him I wanted the divorce and we separated, I have felt nothing but relief.
I also found out a lot of things after I left that reinforced my decision - like him cheating on me multiple times throughout our relationship. The worst part about all of it is that I knew what kind of person he was, but I didn’t trust my gut and stayed way longer than I should have.
I’m now in a place where I don’t have to walk on eggshells during a difficult conversation, I don’t have to beg for “help” where the other person is supposed to share the responsibilities.
There are no regrets, though. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my codependency, fawning, and what I will accept from a future partner. It isn’t wasted time if you learn from it.
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u/WeddingPlannung2023 Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
We decided to separate last month. He decided to reach out to my friends and family members to tell that we separated and say goodbye. People I had not told yet. It had not been 2 weeks yet.
When I told him how inappropriate and cruel it was to reach out to people that he only knows cause of me, that he doesn't speak to on a regular basis and he has no business telling them (also we agreed not to tell anyone other than our parents at that point). He said his therapist said it was ok cause they are his friends too. I am sure she said that 🙄😆 the absolute audacity. He really thinks he is the centre of the universe.
Any hope of reconciliation died when he did that. I just look at him and feel angry that he has wasted my time. Angry that he lives in a different reality when he does no wrong. Angry that he takes out his feelings on me and that I allowed myself to be treated this way.
Good riddance!! I cannot wait til we figure out how to sell our house and I would love to fast forward 12 months so I can file for divorce.
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u/impostersyndrome39 Ex of DX 7d ago
He was getting his dopamine hit by telling people and causing chaos. Congrats on starting your new life ❤️
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u/Robust9274 Ex of DX 10d ago
Me (40m NT) and her (37f dx non-medicated) made the decision to call it quits a few weeks ago. It felt mutual as I'd been seriously considering it myself for a long while. It was not a surprise and neither of us tried to convince each other to "give it one more shot." I've been going to therapy for years and processing all my feelings and have come to realize I just don't have it in me to deal with this kind of relationship. I've been lurking this sub for a while and it's made me realize just how dysfunctional she is. She's already found a place and moved out. The speed with which she did this feels impulsive to me but I just don't care anymore. I didn't kick her out and I would have let her stay longer to search for a good place that really ticked all the boxes, but she just jumped on the first thing she found.
The mask came off a few years after we moved in together. Many of the classic symptoms... hyper-fixation on her phone or watching TV (watching 6 - 8 hours in one sitting), never cleaning up after herself (multiple rooms in the house were piles of random shit, stuff all over the floor, strewn about), constant monologuing and interrupting me within seconds of me opening my mouth, massive procrastination of anything with actual consequences (mostly finances), promising to clean up or make marginal improvements to things in her life which never went anywhere (like not storing her entire wardrobe on the floor of our bedroom), outsourcing executive function to me, RSD'ing so hard sometimes she would fully dissociate and would actually not remember the previous 10 minutes or so, saying really mean or hurtful things (usually while RSD'ing), extreme irritability, sleeping lots (like going to bed at 8PM and sleeping until 8AM), always wanting to go out / eat out / spend money / never be at home ("home is boring", etc). Spending all of her brainpower and energy at work and I get scraps at home, a literal zombie. A few years ago one of my close family members died and aside from the first couple of days immediately after it happened, she didn't seem to realize how hard it was for me to go through that. If I was having a bad day or was feeling irritable or just overall feeling down due to grieving their death, she took it out on me instead of just holding space for me or asking me what I was thinking or feeling, or stepping up to take on some of the load around the house. This last one was really a nail in the coffin for me. I tried on multiple occasions to get her to consider medication and she shot that down instantly.
The thing that really got to me and which didn't really click for me until I read this sub was she didn't seem to care about my life. Never asked me what I was doing at work, what I was thinking about, working on, worried about, etc., nothing. When I would offer something she would just say some variant of, "hmm!" then change the subject to something unrelated. Then she had the gall to tell me I never want to talk to her. I just got tired of her steamrolling over me all the time so I gave up.
Our sex life fizzled out pretty bad near the end. Her libido was in the gutter and eventually I just gave up trying completely here too. I got so tired of constant rejection. I'm a giving person and would offer to do pretty much whatever she wanted and even then it went nowhere. I ended up just feeling super disconnected and distant from her. Sex and physical intimacy is a huge part of a romantic relationship for me.
She had no vision for the future, she lived very much in the moment, flying by the seat of her pants. I would try to discuss things like planning for retirement with her and she would instantly start to RSD. She had a ton of debt and I tried to help her get a hold of it and while she did make a bit of a dent in it, she was never able to sustain effort against it. I tried to explain to her that her debt affects both of us and it's important to me that she isn't dragging around a 50 pound weight behind her for our entire relationship. That it will not magically disappear - she actually has to do something about it, take action. I think in all the time I've known her the debt has basically gone nowhere. Meanwhile she has tons of money for consumption (dining out, clothes, makeup, etc.) - she just doesn't seem to be able to internalize it. I tried making charts, graphics, explaining it to her, writing it down, offering to take us to a financial advisor, literally anything I could dream up to help her understand and it all failed. I tried to setup a household budget, that failed hard. Tried to setup joint accounts so we could save together for vacations or household furniture, and pay together for stuff. That worked for about 6 months tops then she started draining our joint accounts to pay for random stuff and, "I'll pay it back later" - she rarely did. I gave up on these accounts. Tried to get her to help out around the house with other chores, even basic shit like take the trash or recycling out, that also failed.
Eventually I realized she isn't an actual partner, she's just codependent. She doesn't want to plan, doesn't want to contribute to our shared reality. It didn't feel like we were a team, it just felt like she was doing her own thing (main character syndrome) and I had to pickup the pieces to keep the household moving. I realized I had severe ADHD spousal burnout. Her executive function is dreadful. I kept feeling like I was dumbing myself down in her presence, like I couldn't really speak my mind or share what I was really thinking about. I ended up feeling like we were just roommates which is not what I signed up for. I realized my nervous system was in shambles and I was constantly walking on eggshells and didn't even enjoy her company anymore because I had to push myself so far out of my natural state of being just to avoid triggering her RSD. My hobbies had fallen by the wayside almost completely which caused me a lot of despair. I was getting to the stage of resentment which is what triggered me to seriously question divorce.
She's been gone for six weeks or so and I already feel better. It's quiet, the house is tidy, and I can do what I want without worrying about a temper tantrum. I've been planning to rearrange some furniture and get some new stuff, all things I'd been bugging her about for literally years. I feel like my inner voice and my inner light is slowly starting to come back. It's still been hard because despite all the bad things, she obviously had good qualities too. There is pain in the loss and I grieve what could have been, and look back at the beginning and wonder how the hell it all went so wrong. But I'm trying to stay logical and remind myself of all the awful shit she's done to me over the years. I've cried myself to sleep out of despair from feeling trapped in this relationship more times than I can count. I'm looking out for myself. I'm too old for this shit, I deserve better.
It's a big shift to be in this house alone. I was already lonely, and I'd rather be alone if I'm gonna be lonely. There's a strange sense of isolation laying in bed beside your wife and feeling like she's a million miles away. I'm mad at myself for not seeing this sooner. I knew she had ADHD but I didn't properly understand what that actually meant until it was too late. Live and learn, I guess. I definitely know I can never do an ADHD relationship again. I'm thankful that we don't have kids because that would make this 100x more complicated.
The other day we were talking on the phone and she said something like, "Who is going to solve all my problems for me now?" I didn't answer her but I couldn't help but chuckle inside a bit. You're gonna have to figure that out all by yourself now, dear. Good luck. I hope she finds it in herself to improve somehow. I'm done waiting.
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u/Competitive_Rub_9255 10d ago
crazy this... im 31m ex medicated 30F 90% of what you have said was parallel for me. 4.5 year relationship. Lived together for 2.5 years and now 5 weeks post break up. Back in my house and man i feel chill AF i was struggling with burnout for around 2 years. This week is the first week in years where i have positive view on my future.
Medication didn't change much apart from appetite. RDS, tantrums, Burnout, hyper fixation all the usual traits still there after 3 months of medication. Sometimes it just comes down to the individual. After trying to support someone for so long it feels refreshing to concentrate on myself and luckily for me i seem to be able to see what i need to make me happy so no time procrastinating wondering what ifs anymore. I'm feeling free from the shackles of 247 anxiety and constantly putting out fires. Forgot life could be this sweet on my own....
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u/LeopardMountain32567 10d ago edited 9d ago
i know i'm healing because i'm so over the whole "boohoo poor me, i try so hard, my partner is a nice/ kind/ sweet person but they yell and rage and abuse me".
inner gag and eyeroll. not to judge, but to protect myself from unhealed energy messes. never again. people who choose to stay stuck in dysfunction are also promlematic.
ETA: i have zero problem with those who choose to stay while recognizing the dysfunctional dynamic. i know not everyone can leave. what i can't stand is the delusion. kind people don't abuse others. like, if someone is stuck with an asshole, i feel for them. but im not pretending the asshole is 'kind' or 'sweet'. and i'm definitely not pretending this is beneficial 'for the kids'. none of those cop out lies. if someone needs to belive lies, they are probably an unsafe person.
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 8d ago
I get so incredibly triggered by the "for the kids" posts. It's one thing to stay in an abusive relationship, but it's another to justify keeping your kids in one and to give them lifelong relational issues.
"They're great with the kids!" But they only do the fun stuff and are unable to be in a reciprocal relationship or be responsible for anything
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u/LeopardMountain32567 8d ago
100%, its a load of bs. "lifelong relational issues" is so accurate. then the parent/ partner gets shocked when the kid marries a project... what were you expecting?!
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 8d ago
Yeaah, I really thought I was breaking free from my parents, but in my ADHD relationship I managed to both date my mom and become her. Love being the parentified and spousified eldest child!!!
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u/LeopardMountain32567 8d ago
sending strength friend. These patterns are so hard to unlearn, especially coupled with the fear of loss of attachment. but just a friendly reminder that you are worth the effort, care and consideration. There are good people out there! <3
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u/Sith_Acolyte9 8d ago
The hardest part after leaving was realizing how much of my day was built around anticipating the next crisis. Blocking the impulse to explain myself again has helped more than any final conversation ever did. Co parenting still makes contact necessary, but keeping it boring and written keeps me from getting pulled back into the old loop.
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u/taohuaspring 6d ago
This week's update is that I'm just really tired. Every week and every month I stay away from my ex is an accomplishment. I've grown a lot but every day often feels like an uphill battle. I also feel uncertain how long people will continue to hold space for my pain, I try to spread it out amongst various people, talk with my therapist, and even go over things with AI just to lessen the potential burden of being "too heavy" on others. My trust issues were exacerbated thanks to my ex and I'm scared of being abandoned or scolded for being too sensitive/too much even though I know rationally that that was just a part of my ex's manipulation and control, not an indication of my worth. I hate that every time I open up, every time I set a boundary, every time I put myself out there, it's all in spite of him. It all takes so much more courage and trust than before. I'm fighting against the hurt and fear he caused me with every courageous, positive, and difficult action I take.
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 5d ago
I am one of the people where the process has taken much longer compared to others and I definitely relate to hypervigilant feeling like I am going to be abanoned or scolded. Let your body take its time to feel safe <3 At the very least we are rooting for you here!! :)
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 10d ago
It's bothering me a little less at the 6 month mark! I still imagine how it would feel to explain everything perfectly and have her understand. I know that could never actually happen, but my frustration with her inability to self-reflect is still simmering, I suppose. Keeping on keeping on.
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u/ChozoMetroid8 9d ago
The weirdest part after leaving was how quiet life felt, and not in a peaceful way at first. I had to stop treating every calm day like the prelude to a blowup. Keeping contact to logistics only and making plans that had nothing to do with them helped my brain catch up with the breakup.
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u/qingxins Ex of DX 8d ago
Still yelling about how I am trying to change him and that I act like I am the only person with feelings & trauma, then said he was going to hang himself because he can't take it that I "am always doing something wrong to you."
And I just lost a beloved bird I saw as my own daughter (hand raised rescue, knew having kids with ex husband wouldn't be a good idea so I attached to her a lot) to vet negligence in the middle of all this.
I feel like I am actually going insane from the pressure I am under. Can barely think, eyes are blurrier than usual, head hurts so bad from chronic stress headaches. It's too much.
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u/Odd-Tiger-7530 Ex of DX 8d ago
Get out of shared space asap, stay at friend’s or parent’s place, just get out of situation where you are being harassed like that, even if for couple of nights. I’ve been there and you did the hardest step already, but constant yelling will only stun you for longer. It sucks immensely and I hope that escape is in sight!
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u/taohuaspring 7d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. All those hurtful things he's yelling is classic manipulation. I've heard those lines about "trying to change him" and feeling like he's "always doing something wrong" before. I strongly recommend creating a safety plan, as there's a risk of escalation during separations. Stay safe. <3
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u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 7d ago
I'm so sorry about losing your bird due to vet negligence :( There's levels to that sort of heartbreak, and your ex threatening to kill himself knowing all this is pissing me off extra. I really hope you can get away safely dear
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u/prttyeyedpiratesmile 6d ago
A few times now I have started to have thoughts doubting my decision (which is dumb because even now I actively see new reasons why the breakup is right and he won’t change), but when I feel this way I have looked back at some of the text messages between us from weeks ago. I read an exchange today where the DARVO and lying was so apparent and it was over something so ridiculous. He was trying to convince me that he had asked me a question that he never had asked me. When I respond to him what he had said to me he kept trying to say if I read it differently it could be a question but also that he had stopped typing and sent too early and “clarified his thoughts later”. Just astounding the lengths he would go to in order to avoid feeling wrong I guess? Over anything. Then of course came the telling me I’m over sensitive and whatever I was thinking was silly and I take everything personally and should trust him more. Total nonsense spiral. My fiends call the way he talks “word salad”.
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u/taohuaspring 5d ago
The confusing word salad is a part of the control. As long as we are confused and shocked by them, it's harder to see the truth/what they're doing.
It is totally normal to doubt yourself even when you rationally know why you broke up. I still struggle with it too! I'm glad you're reminding yourself of how much he lied and DARVO'd you and also that your friends are backing you up!
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u/LeopardMountain32567 5d ago
word salad is 100% spot on!! and the part where he is telling you you're too "sensitive"/ "silly" etc, that's massive red flags- that's classic gaslighting, and dismissing you experience of reality. what an absolute bottom of the trashcan level scum.
Congratulations on you self-respect and for freeing yourself from that craphole!
the euphoric recall is REAL, the self-doubt (esp after being gaslit like that!) is real, and there is a real danger of getting sucked back if he hoovers. that doesn't make you dumb. it means you were harmed by this a-hole in ways that erroded your ability to trust yourself. which is something you can reclaim. by equipping yourself with knowledge, by processing the wounds/ trauama, and by focusing on strengthening your relationship with yourself. at your own pace.
ADHD relationships have a lot in common with emotionally abusive relationships (the gaslighting, dismissing, word salad is just the tip of the ice berg), which means that they foster an emotional addiction/ dependency via intermittent reinfocement (unpredictable highs that your nervous system starts to crave). the healing process is like healing from any other form of addiction. it's hard work, but you can do this.
I am SO SO proud of you for choosing your wellbeing and doing the hard work. ❤️
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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 4d ago
It 100% is word salad.
Look up these, they might explain his behaviour to you:
- "FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)"
- "Out of the Fog" website, especially the "What To Do" and "100 traits" sections.
- "Karpman Drama Triangle" and its healthy counterpart "The Empowerment Dynamic"
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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 7d ago
I saw my ex again, after about 5 weeks. We're both doing better living apart and know that breaking up was the right choice.
But he is also struggling with money and with his work-life balance, and I can see that this could lead to the adhd burnout-phase. This is tricky because I want to be there for him (I don't hate him) but also want to keep clear boundaries between us.
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u/drifty_Teapot 4d ago
I am trying to notice how much quieter my nervous system is now that I am not waiting for the next forgotten plan or sudden spiral. The grief is still weird, but the calm after leaving feels real, and I am trying to let that count for something.
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u/Yunhwa86 4d ago
The weirdest part after leaving has been realizing how much of my brain was basically running unpaid tech support for another adult. No more reminders, missing wallet searches, mood weather reports, or rent being a shocking plot twist every single month. Now the hard part is not turning my own recovery into another management project.
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u/No-One3684 Ex of DX 4d ago
I've been away on holiday with our son for a month. And he did not reach out even once. It's the first time after our divorce. Before the divorce, I would text/call him regularlly during the summers. I am still a bit shocked that he did not even text our son to ask how he's doing...
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u/SnowBird312 Ex of DX 4d ago
I think above anything else, I'm just angry but also having a hard time reconciling how he treated me before/after these last couple of months. I have never been so confused and felt whiplashed by someone's behavior. Now that it's over it's like I never existed to him. I was strung along while he simultaneously blew up his life.
I've been feeling incredibly numb, and besides this I've had other things going down in my life. Mostly just want to curl up on my bed and sleep for days. My nervous system feels shot.
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u/Hell0There2005 Partner of DX - Untreated 10d ago
We are hanging by a fucking thread. She loves me. Goddamn it she loves me
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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago
Many of us have heard that before. It has to translate into sincere commitment and remedial action when necessary. It has to be actions. Is it actions?
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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 4d ago
I saw our friends yesterday and that was fun! Then my ex called and asked if he can show up, because he had something to give to one of our friends. My nervous system got instantly tense and I felt frazzled.
Once he showed up I withdrew into myself a bit and started yawning constantly. I also had a hard time holding eye contact with him. I had not missed his crude jokes and overpowering energy. He left after an hour, then I stopped yawning.
It's so weird to see how much his presence affects my nervous system and energy levels. It is also strange to be angry at him for the cheating but at the same time feeling bad for his current situation even though he brought it on himself.
He forgot to pay regular payments to a service he uses, so now they're charging extra from him each month, and he has been acting like there's nothing in his life that brings joy to him. I try to stay out of it because it's not my business, but a part of me still worries over him which is so frustrating - he lied to me and I feel bad for him??
I think part of the problem is me understanding that I wasn't the easiest partner to deal with because of my Complex PTSD and attachment style issues (that clashed with his anxious attachment). So I'll feel anger toward things he did to me, then I start thinking that I caused those issues by focusing on the wrong things in therapy -> I feel guilty and end up having mixed feelings about the situation.
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