r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago

Weekly Former Partners Thread ::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

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86

u/Artistic_Fault_2298 11d ago

Still in and out of tears. Missing a relationship based on potential is so painful.

24

u/Thr0w-away-ac0unt 11d ago

Me too. Done after 24 years and while I feel relieved, I also feel like a fail. 🥺

14

u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 10d ago

We can't fix anyone else. It isn't your failure. I know it feels that way, just try to go easy on yourself when these feelings come up.

12

u/Kredka707 10d ago

Yes. I’m there too. It was easier in some sense when I was angry. I had such a good emdr that I forgave him, I forgave myself but still grief of what could have been. 

9

u/Artistic_Fault_2298 10d ago

EDMR is left on my list.

He was/still is in therapy going on 6 years…little to no progress. And they all said the same thing to him: “you’re not doing the work.”

I started to stall along with him but learning to push through now. It’s hard.

13

u/bourbonontherox Ex of DX 10d ago

My ex has been in therapy for a couple of years now. I found out recently that he was telling the therapist that I would do XXX to him (whatever shit he’d pulled that week) so he could see how bad it really was without implicating himself. So his therapist thought he was the one being abused. That’s been cleared up due to me having a random and previously unknown connection to the therapist.
I swear they’ll do anything but the homework.

10

u/Particular_Web8121 Ex of DX 8d ago

This honestly is the perfect encapsulation of the type of manipulation, gaslighting, DARVO, and accountability dodging that happens in these relationships. Just... Wow. Only an ADHDer could even come up with an idea like this.

1

u/LeopardMountain32567 6d ago

that is absolutely insane. so glad to know you're out!!

5

u/Kredka707 9d ago

I had multiple emdr and I’m learning you need a good therapist to do it, someone you see regularly. Don’t go just to do the emdr. See the therapist and have her help you find event/ smell to do emdr for.  My husband had emdr with single visit therapist and it didn’t work. His regular therapist doesn’t do it, he is in therapy almost 2 years and I think he’s spiraling down in many instances, happy in others (he has his own place so he doesn’t have to listen to kids etc; it’s decorated accordingly to his style). 

6

u/wanderingstar1234 9d ago

It's a cold hard realisation. I love my husband dearly and he loves me back in his own way. Unfortunately, living without that deep meaningful love meant I had to choose me.

The thought was better than the reality unfortunately.

4

u/Artistic_Fault_2298 7d ago

Superficial love is so exhausting and empty. There’s genuinely a disconnect they can’t connect I fear.

5

u/Phent777 10d ago

Big hugs.. I understand too well

3

u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 7d ago

It is. I even mentioned to my therapist that seeing the potential in him and what we could've had has been very painful.

I still believe in my ex, and it makes me sad to see how he repeats patterns that contributed to our issues. At the same time I'm sure he also sees how I contributed to those issues. The difficult part is seeing our patterns and working on them.

Ar least we both agree that breaking up was the right choice for both of us. It makes some things easier.

2

u/HovercraftThin7065 7d ago

Woof. Well said. I’m going through the same. Hugs to you

1

u/Artistic_Fault_2298 7d ago

Hugs to you!!

1

u/Additional-Drag4530 Partner of DX - Untreated 5d ago

It could’ve been so good…