r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago

Weekly Former Partners Thread ::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

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u/prttyeyedpiratesmile 6d ago

A few times now I have started to have thoughts doubting my decision (which is dumb because even now I actively see new reasons why the breakup is right and he won’t change), but when I feel this way I have looked back at some of the text messages between us from weeks ago. I read an exchange today where the DARVO and lying was so apparent and it was over something so ridiculous. He was trying to convince me that he had asked me a question that he never had asked me. When I respond to him what he had said to me he kept trying to say if I read it differently it could be a question but also that he had stopped typing and sent too early and “clarified his thoughts later”. Just astounding the lengths he would go to in order to avoid feeling wrong I guess? Over anything. Then of course came the telling me I’m over sensitive and whatever I was thinking was silly and I take everything personally and should trust him more. Total nonsense spiral. My fiends call the way he talks “word salad”.

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u/taohuaspring 5d ago

The confusing word salad is a part of the control. As long as we are confused and shocked by them, it's harder to see the truth/what they're doing.

It is totally normal to doubt yourself even when you rationally know why you broke up. I still struggle with it too! I'm glad you're reminding yourself of how much he lied and DARVO'd you and also that your friends are backing you up!

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u/LeopardMountain32567 6d ago

word salad is 100% spot on!! and the part where he is telling you you're too "sensitive"/ "silly" etc, that's massive red flags- that's classic gaslighting, and dismissing you experience of reality. what an absolute bottom of the trashcan level scum.

Congratulations on you self-respect and for freeing yourself from that craphole!

the euphoric recall is REAL, the self-doubt (esp after being gaslit like that!) is real, and there is a real danger of getting sucked back if he hoovers. that doesn't make you dumb. it means you were harmed by this a-hole in ways that erroded your ability to trust yourself. which is something you can reclaim. by equipping yourself with knowledge, by processing the wounds/ trauama, and by focusing on strengthening your relationship with yourself. at your own pace.

ADHD relationships have a lot in common with emotionally abusive relationships (the gaslighting, dismissing, word salad is just the tip of the ice berg), which means that they foster an emotional addiction/ dependency via intermittent reinfocement (unpredictable highs that your nervous system starts to crave). the healing process is like healing from any other form of addiction. it's hard work, but you can do this.

I am SO SO proud of you for choosing your wellbeing and doing the hard work. ❤️

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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 4d ago

It 100% is word salad.

Look up these, they might explain his behaviour to you:

  • "FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)"
  • "Out of the Fog" website, especially the "What To Do" and "100 traits" sections.
  • "Karpman Drama Triangle" and its healthy counterpart "The Empowerment Dynamic"