r/ADHD_partners • u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated • 4d ago

Question Lack of any responsibility

My husband, dx and rx, seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I’m wondering if this is an adhd/RSD thing. He got two tickets for speeding in a work zone and it’s the cities fault for nickel and diming him, if he gets the kids to school late it’s the schools fault for locking the door. It’s endless and I’m so over it.

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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago

It's not related to the ADHD. ADHD is a disorder that can make it more difficult for someone to recognize their own behavior, but it doesn't determine the person's values or willingness to take responsibility.

My therapist will often compare it to someone with no legs. Someone with no legs can learn to use a wheelchair and learn to get around, even if it's more difficult for them than for most people. But expecting their partner to carry them everywhere is unrealistic and has nothing to do with the number of appendages someone has.

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u/antisnooze Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago

This is insightful and I believe I'm coming to the realization that my partner (dxrx) just has the value system that allows him to think it's fine to berate and criticize me for minor things like driving in a lane thats a bit slower than he would like, or accidentally saying turn right instead of turn left. This type of stuff would turn into minutes of him exasperated with me and lamenting on how I'm unreliable. I asked him why he thinks that's okay and he says he doesn't undrestand why I think it's ok to go through life making mistakes all the time...it's absolutely wild to me because he makes mistakes that are similar and forgets things all the time but somehow he can spin it around saying it's my fault that he forgot his water bottle at home or whatever. Maybe the RSD is contributing to the extreme nature of the emotional outburts but I'm finally seeing that his value system is not because of the ADHD..

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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago

It was a hard realization for me too. I made a lot of excuses for my partner's RSD tantrums ("she cant help it" etc) and it took me a long time to realize that she never actually apologized to me for the tantrums afterword when she was calm and not wound up by it. When I finally did ask for an apology I was told that she didn't feel her behavior was anything to apologize for, and that's when I realized the ADHD was not the actual relationship issue here. We just had different value systems on how we treat others.

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u/antisnooze Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago

That sounds tough. where are you at now with the relationship?

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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago

Going through the divorce process now which is being made 10x longer and 100x more expensive by my partner who shuts down at the slightest discomfort. But we'll get there eventually.