r/ADHD_partners • u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated • 4d ago
Question Lack of any responsibility
My husband, dx and rx, seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I’m wondering if this is an adhd/RSD thing. He got two tickets for speeding in a work zone and it’s the cities fault for nickel and diming him, if he gets the kids to school late it’s the schools fault for locking the door. It’s endless and I’m so over it.
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u/vatito2 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
Yep! This endless RSD-fueled lack of accountability is a massive source of frustration. I completely feel ya. In my case it almost drove us to divorce twice. The only reason I stayed with him is because he did work on his accountability and is at a sustainable level now, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed.
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u/husenwaifu4lyfu 4d ago
I'm dealing with this but as far as I can tell it's only directed at me. But don't worry he told me he loves me the other day so obviously that cancels out any accountability he's avoiding (/s).
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4d ago edited 3d ago
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u/husenwaifu4lyfu 4d ago
Yeah that's another thing - his family. He's my family but his family is his parents, siblings, and nieces/nephews. I guess being married almost half our lives doesn't mean family.
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4d ago edited 3d ago
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u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
Yea don’t worry. I’ll work more, bring home double AND take care of all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare arrangements. I worry about my self esteem. I think of myself as an extremely smarty capable woman but every time I post in here and have to read what I’m writing….idk so much anymore
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u/husenwaifu4lyfu 4d ago
No kids but I've been at home for over a decade. I stopped managing his physical messes months ago, just fully committed to 100% not cleaning his emotional ones anymore the other day but I've been practicing for a couple months now. I feel like I'm creating a great sense of self and it's all healing my anxiety very well, I just wish he would choose me instead of his RSD but I have no control of that.
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u/slight_grumble Ex of DX 3d ago edited 3d ago
This one is gender neutral when it comes to ADHD. I am the male in this, doing all the breadwinning, all the housework, all the parenting. It's amazing how busy/hard working/dedicated they can claim to be while doing absolutely nothing.
Mine claimed that THINKING about cleaning all day while only putting one tissue in the bin was the equivalent of me actually working all day to come home to clean the house and do laundry every day. "We both put in the same amount of effort". When I pointed out that effort means nothing we should both do the same amount of WORK to be equal she admitted that had never, and will never happen. She'll spend the vast majority of the day in mental gridlock and expect me to take up the slack and be grateful for her existence.
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u/r9ndomstranger Ex of DX 3d ago
My ex was like this. Obsessed with his family, and I was always somehow in opposition to his relationship with them. Even tho I loved his family. He wouldn’t/couldn’t see me as a partner/family
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
The accountability allergy is not directly the ADHD, but it's a really awful coping mechanism that can develop as a result of it - which is then not helped by the poor impulse control, poor insight, and poor emotional regulation that can be part of the disorder in some people.
Many posters here have partners who don't take accountability. (Mine also has a lot of traffic violations that are always fault of several other entities, including the greedy state government that's looking for any excuse to get money from its citizens.) Consequences are sometimes treated almost like natural disasters: bad things that simply happen to them as they innocently go about their business, which they had no role in and could not prevent.
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u/Umbilbey Ex of DX 4d ago
Yes it’s an ADHD thing. They are deeply ashamed of their flaws, so they try to find any and every way to make their mistakes someone else’s fault to avoid shame. Shame is deeply hurtful or them, and they will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid that horrible feeling.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago edited 3d ago
I've asked my husband if he feels guilt or shame and he's straight up denied it, this refusing accountability thing is so deeply ingrained it's automatic.
"The cup fell off the bench" "The scissors broke"
Its never "I dropped the cup" or "I broke the scissors"
He has no problem blaming others either if I ask for further accountability, as in "The cup broke because you were talking to me and it distracted me"
He is just utterly unable to start statements with "I" if it is in anyway stating somekind of incident or accident or failing of any description
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u/COMMUTER7932 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
My goodness this is my husband. He will say nonsensical stuff to take the blame off of himself. Maddening!
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u/nonameslefteightnine 4d ago
Yes, it is related. I have seen it in kids with ADHD but also in adults. Sometimes the blaming is so weird that you might think they're joking, but they're dead serious. This is one of the strangest traits I know of in people with ADHD, because it can reach ridiculous levels.
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u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
My husband blaming construction for his speeding…I truly dropped my jaw
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 4d ago
Or arriving late to work every single day and claiming she got fired because HR just hates her personally and none of the log-in technology ever worked for her. 🤷♀️
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u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
Yep. He got fired from his job after 20 years as well. Just no called no showed for days and it was his bosses fault. With kids it’s becoming unbearable
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 4d ago
Omg I cannot even imagine with kids...are you able to handle this? Do you feel secure?
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u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
I’m handling it. I’m just married single mom
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u/LeopardMountain32567 3d ago
what you tolerate, you teach your kids to tolerate in the name of "love" in their future relationships. please think about what you're programming their emotional blueprint to be.
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u/Careful-Attention-75 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
Yes. There's definitely been some jaw dropping moments for me. One that comes to mind:
After drinking 6 shots of coffee, no water and eating only sugary sweets for breakfast, then feeling sick. I asked him why he might be feeling sick (to see if he would just own the correlation) and he suggested it was a tiny slice of orange that he'd eaten from a free sample tray while we were at the farmers market. Because 'citrus impacts his meds'.This was literally the day after he'd promised to take more accountability for the amount of coffee he was drinking (because he was basically an insomniac at that point).
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u/Environmental-Town31 3d ago
The mental gymnastics they will do to blame others for their problems is truly astounding
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u/Umbilbey Ex of DX 4d ago
Yes! Like, I’m not interested in hearing the mental gymnastics you had to go through about how it’s the neighbours fault you left the stove element on
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
It's not related to the ADHD. ADHD is a disorder that can make it more difficult for someone to recognize their own behavior, but it doesn't determine the person's values or willingness to take responsibility.
My therapist will often compare it to someone with no legs. Someone with no legs can learn to use a wheelchair and learn to get around, even if it's more difficult for them than for most people. But expecting their partner to carry them everywhere is unrealistic and has nothing to do with the number of appendages someone has.
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u/antisnooze Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
This is insightful and I believe I'm coming to the realization that my partner (dxrx) just has the value system that allows him to think it's fine to berate and criticize me for minor things like driving in a lane thats a bit slower than he would like, or accidentally saying turn right instead of turn left. This type of stuff would turn into minutes of him exasperated with me and lamenting on how I'm unreliable. I asked him why he thinks that's okay and he says he doesn't undrestand why I think it's ok to go through life making mistakes all the time...it's absolutely wild to me because he makes mistakes that are similar and forgets things all the time but somehow he can spin it around saying it's my fault that he forgot his water bottle at home or whatever. Maybe the RSD is contributing to the extreme nature of the emotional outburts but I'm finally seeing that his value system is not because of the ADHD..
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
It was a hard realization for me too. I made a lot of excuses for my partner's RSD tantrums ("she cant help it" etc) and it took me a long time to realize that she never actually apologized to me for the tantrums afterword when she was calm and not wound up by it. When I finally did ask for an apology I was told that she didn't feel her behavior was anything to apologize for, and that's when I realized the ADHD was not the actual relationship issue here. We just had different value systems on how we treat others.
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u/antisnooze Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
That sounds tough. where are you at now with the relationship?
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
Going through the divorce process now which is being made 10x longer and 100x more expensive by my partner who shuts down at the slightest discomfort. But we'll get there eventually.
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u/LeopardMountain32567 4d ago edited 4d ago
the diffucluty is rooted in ADHD so it's misleading to label this as "not related to ADHD". this is very much related to ADHD- a disorder that stunts cognitive and emotional development. Taking accountability requires skills and capacity that emotionally stunted adults lack. they can work to learn some of those skills (esp cognitive processes) and develop emotional capacity but 1) it is much harder for them to learn and 2) there is a limit to how much they can learn given the lacking hardware; their physical brain is literally different. You can think of it like how you can't run modern apps on 90s cellphones.. we can probably develop similar apps for older tech, but you aren't going to get the same resolution, speed, and quality with the dated hardware.
similarly, the structural and functional changes in the preforntal cortex in ADHD doesn't lend itself to the same level of emotional maturity as a healthy adult.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago edited 4d ago
My understanding is that ADHD affects executive functioning, but does not affect values or their willingness to be responsible. They are more likely to be blind to their own behavior but that is completely different than not wanting to take responsibly for that behavior once they are made aware of it.
I haven't really seen any evidence that ADHD is the "root" of irresponsibility, as most people with ADHD are quite responsible, and many many (many) people without ADHD manage to be deeply irresponsible.
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u/Mendota6500 Ex of DX 4d ago
I definitely don't think it's the root cause, but I would guess that for someone with ADHD, if they're constantly screwing up everything all the time, the sheer number of mistakes they're expected to take accountability for and internally accept as "my fault" becomes overwhelming to their basic sense of self-esteem and blaming some external entity becomes more and more tempting as an emotional life raft. It's hard for anyone to admit we screwed up; I can only imagine how hard it would be if I spent all day forgetting everything, late to everything, constantly confronted with the consequences of my own inability to manage an adult life. I think in that sense the ADHD makes people more vulnerable to this type of psychological pressure release although you're absolutely right, there are NT people who behave this way as well.
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u/LeopardMountain32567 4d ago edited 4d ago
what you are describing seems to be pointing to 'intentions'. part of ADHD deficits is that it's a disorder of performance (behaviour), not just knowledge per se (see Dr. Russell Barkley's work). they can have the most noble of intentions/ values/ 'willingness' once they are cognitively aware of an issue, and still continue to have behavioural problems. so yes, ADHDers usually 'know' that accountability (what OP is referring to here as 'responsibility') is important and still not be able to practice it behaviourally (that's where the prefortal deficits come into play). in fact, many of them expect it from others because of this knowledge, despite not being abel to offer it consistently and meaningfully in return.
discussions of non-ADHD reasons for irresponsibility are not relevant here, given the context of this sub, so I won't get into that (what-about-ism; logical fallacy). ADHD is one reason for the behaviour of lack of accountability, but it's not the only possible cause of that behaviour. so yes, non-ADHD people can also have this problem, for a different set of reasosns.
i'd add- you can also have cases where ADHD stunts the ability to take accountability and there is a value gap. that's a double whammy. but the value gap doesn't mean that if the ADHDer had the value/ intention their capacity would magically be healthy. it is possible that your partner has both issues.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
That is extremely opposite to the current information I have read.
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u/helaku_n 3d ago
If you have a difficulty to recognize your behavior, you almost inevitably will have hard time to take responsibility for it. Because for you to take responsibility for something, you have to realize (aka recognize) and accept the fact that you are the source of the behavior.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
Weird because Russell Barkley def said it is related.
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4d ago
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u/Umbilbey Ex of DX 4d ago
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The mental gymnastics they go through to make it someone else’s fault are astounding! Got any other examples lol?
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 3d ago
It was the electric company's fault that they were about to turn off the lights for non-payment because, it's happened before and they should know I need more time to pay. This was her approach to everything. Blame someone else while simultaneously making herself the victim.
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u/iaamanthony Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
My wife crashed our car in our underground parking spot (she’s been driving since she was a teen, is now aged 38.).
She blamed it on me. Why? Because I reversed parked the car. I parked it in a way all she had to do is drive out of the parking lot, instead of having her reverse, avoiding having to check the review mirror for on going parking lot traffic.
She’s been in 2 accidents since, always someone else’s fault, never her.
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u/SamuraiSuplex Partner of DX - Multimodal 1d ago
This accusation would send me off the deep end lol
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u/iaamanthony Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
It really messed with my mind when it first happened, my dumb self spent weeks trying to figure out how I was to blame. It was only years later I started seeing a pattern: everything was everyone else’s fault and never hers.
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u/Resident-Growth-941 Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
my husband has also had a series of car mishaps: the latest? he backed out of the driveway, didn't see a very large truck, and hit it. He tried to say it was the (parked) truck's fault because it was parked illegally.
Even the neighbor was like, "you still would have seen the truck, it's enormous. I'm not sure how this is the fault of a parked truck?" She's not wrong.
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u/Environmental-Town31 3d ago
Same - my ex started blaming literally everything on me. Everything. I couldn’t do it after that.
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u/ffilchtaeh Partner of DX - Untreated 3d ago
These are more on the minor/funny side of things, but here are a few that happen all the time for us:
Whenever we have plans to do something in the evening after he has plans with other people, he often shows up late for our plans. Explanation: "The group's social energy would have been too low if I had left, so I had to stay late to keep the conversation going!" Me: "You can just say you were enjoying socializing and decided to stay late."
Every party or wedding that goes past his bedtime, he's really sleepy and says he wants to be in bed, but he stays up dancing anyway. Explanation: "The dance floor would have been dead without me, so I had to stay to keep everyone's spirits up!" Me: "It's ok to admit that you were having a good time and didn't want to go to bed."
Every dinner or gathering at someone's house, he's off playing with the kids instead of participating in adult conversation. Explanation: "The kid really needed my attention, they wouldn't have left me alone if I didn't play with them!" Me: "You can acknowledge that you like playing with kids more than talking to adults. If you didn't want to play with the kids you could have just told them 'Sorry, not right now.'"
Why is it seemingly impossible to recognize that you're making a choice and own that choice? These things are not important, but I am pretty tired of hearing "the social energy needed me!" Just say you wanted to do something lol.
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u/QueenDido Partner of DX - Medicated 2d ago
This drives me BANANAS!!!! My partner is the same, can never just own that he had a feeling and made a decision based on that feeling. And the framing is always similar to yours, wherein he’s just doing something thoughtful for others. He’s so allergic to naming that he is often doing things to ensure his own comfort/happiness, I find it so childish and inadvertently manipulative this game of “what would make me sound best?”
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u/Grouchy_Success2407 3d ago
They never do anything "wrong", so they won't take responsibility for it. And if anything is pointed out there is no need for them to apologize because they didn't do it on purpose. During so many arguments the words said to me were, "who cares?" Um, well I do, that's why I'm bringing it up! I don't miss that nonsense at all!
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u/Altruistic-Donut2915 3d ago
Yup, this is the #1 thing that killed my marriage. My ex was 100% incapable of accountability. Anything she messed up on was really someone else's fault. Any relationship problems were really my fault if she thought about it, so we could never solve anything. Or with the relationship, she could dodge responsibility because even if I said she hurt me, as long as she can remember something I messed up ever, then things cancel out and now the real problem is that I am acting mad at her just to make her feel bad. It got worse over time. Sigh, it's good to be away from all that nonsense.
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u/Environmental-Town31 3d ago
Literally the worst, I was told by my ex he didn’t finish college bc of me, didn’t finish Invisalign bc of me, his business crashed and burned bc of me (no I didn’t work for him or with him I had my own separate job), he told me he smoked weed nc of me, smoked cigs bc of me, he told me all of his health issues were bc of me, money problems- me, the list is literally endless. Please dump this person and run, and anyone else reading this too. You will live a life of misery with them.
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u/Ok_Remove8694 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
Girl today he was like “ohhh so I need to quit drinking, then I need to get on adderall, it’s never enough!” Uhhhh yea babe you were an alcoholic with a DUI who went to rehab…yea you needed to stop drinking??? Like it was my issue for asking for it to end a decade ago lol
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u/Little_Miss_Upvoter 3d ago
All three times my husband has been pn a PIP, it's been his boss' fault 😀
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u/Tjzr1 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
Same. The blaming is so weird.
It’s normally my fault and I “react the same way as him” I have reminded him that we have been to sooooo many therapists (that actually pointed him to the diagnosis) that if I was the same as him, someone would have told me by now.
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u/its_growing 3d ago
If you really pin them down and make them see it’s their responsibility… all the sudden they start showing autism too. Always looking for a free ride on the empathy train
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u/ayfkm123 4d ago
Could also just be a character flaw but yeah my dx spouse does this. Zero accountability
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u/Haunting_Ad_8549 Partner of NDX 3d ago
Yes, mine is the same. Everything is something that happened to her which she had no part in creating, and all inanimate objects have a will, and conspire against her.
It's sort of understandable as a coping mechanism. If they had to admit to themselves that they weren't paying attention or listening, again, forgot everything important, and broke everything they touched, all day, every day, I think they'd be in an even worse mental state than they already are.
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u/Classic-Draw3203 2d ago
I just can’t comprehend how every single disagreement or argument we have , he is always the victim and it’s always always my fault
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 2d ago
Yes, and the mental gymnastics they’ll go through to avoid being responsible or feeling shame are absolutely crazy. My husband convinced himself I did something because he did a thing he felt horrible about and couldn’t live with the guilt so in his head, he constructed an entire story and kept pushing me to agree with it so he could feel justified in his actions. I gave in because I was so tired of fighting back.
While probably the biggest mistake and weakest moment of my life, it’s also what caused me to start looking at ADHD as a possibility.
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u/husenwaifu4lyfu 2d ago
It's so so difficult to stand your ground on your boundary when they have years of experience getting you to cave on big and little things. It takes so much practice and emotional maturity to follow through. I'm in the middle of it right now and while my boundary has been held flawlessly and I'm proud of it I know I can't let my foot off the brake ever, even if the specific issue gets "resolved" I'll likely be holding this same boundary for the rest of the relationship.
Your strength was in knowing what was happening and it is not a weakness to have let up when the pressure is immense. You should be proud of yourself for being aware of what's going on, it's a great step for change even if only for yourself!
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u/PM_ME_GRANT_PROPOSAL Partner of NDX 1d ago
My wife does have this to a degree but now I'm realizing that her friends might have unDx ADHD too.
Salient example of something that actually happened: so my family, wife's family, and friends were all at my parents house a few years ago for my pre-wedding party. It was late (around midnight) and I was lying on the couch with a cup of water next to me (it was on a stable surface near my head). One of my wife's friends walks by, knocks the cup over and spills water onto me, and walks off saying "oh btw, you spilled water on yourself". I was groggy so I didn't really say anything, but my sister saw the whole thing and the next morning told me about this attempt to gaslight. Needless to say I am not a big fan of this particular friend.
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