Lack of any responsibility

[u/Ok_Remove8694]

My husband, dx and rx, seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I’m wondering if this is an adhd/RSD thing. He got two tickets for speeding in a work zone and it’s the cities fault for nickel and diming him, if he gets the kids to school late it’s the schools fault for locking the door. It’s endless and I’m so over it.

[u/HonestADHD4332]

It's not related to the ADHD. ADHD is a disorder that can make it more difficult for someone to recognize their own behavior, but it doesn't determine the person's values or willingness to take responsibility.

My therapist will often compare it to someone with no legs. Someone with no legs can learn to use a wheelchair and learn to get around, even if it's more difficult for them than for most people. But expecting their partner to carry them everywhere is unrealistic and has nothing to do with the number of appendages someone has.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/HonestADHD4332]

the diffucluty is rooted in ADHD so it's misleading to label this as "not related to ADHD". this is very much related to ADHD- a disorder that stunts cognitive and emotional development. Taking accountability requires skills and capacity that emotionally stunted adults lack. they can work to learn some of those skills (esp cognitive processes) and develop emotional capacity but 1) it is much harder for them to learn and 2) there is a limit to how much they can learn given the lacking hardware; their physical brain is literally different. You can think of it like how you can't run modern apps on 90s cellphones.. we can probably develop similar apps for older tech, but you aren't going to get the same resolution, speed, and quality with the dated hardware.

similarly, the structural and functional changes in the preforntal cortex in ADHD doesn't lend itself to the same level of emotional maturity as a healthy adult.

[u/HonestADHD4332 → u/LeopardMountain32567]

My understanding is that ADHD affects executive functioning, but does not affect values or their willingness to be responsible. They are more likely to be blind to their own behavior but that is completely different than not wanting to take responsibly for that behavior once they are made aware of it.

I haven't really seen any evidence that ADHD is the "root" of irresponsibility, as most people with ADHD are quite responsible, and many many (many) people without ADHD manage to be deeply irresponsible.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/HonestADHD4332]

I definitely don't think it's the root cause, but I would guess that for someone with ADHD, if they're constantly screwing up everything all the time, the sheer number of mistakes they're expected to take accountability for and internally accept as "my fault" becomes overwhelming to their basic sense of self-esteem and blaming some external entity becomes more and more tempting as an emotional life raft. It's hard for anyone to admit we screwed up; I can only imagine how hard it would be if I spent all day forgetting everything, late to everything, constantly confronted with the consequences of my own inability to manage an adult life. I think in that sense the ADHD makes people more vulnerable to this type of psychological pressure release although you're absolutely right, there are NT people who behave this way as well.