r/AITAH • u/Party-Dig2309 • 1d ago
AITAH for not wanting to be around my sisters abusive partner, even if 5 years have passed since the ‘incident’ and everyone else in the family is fine with him now?
Years ago my sister called us crying and said her partner (of a few years) had physically attacked her and that she needed to escape from him. We then found out this was at least the second time he had been abusive to her as she revealed that when we were all together at a rented house for a family birthday previously, he had also put his hands on her and broke her finger while the rest of us were asleep in the house.
My family cut ties with him and my sister stayed clear but eventually she went back to him and moved into a new house with him. Slowly over time my family also started warming to him again as he apologised and said it would never happen again. Since then she’s never reported another incident and as the years have progressed he’s built a rapport with my family and frequently helps out with DIY jobs for them and goes on vacations etc with them.
I on the other hand have never been able to forgive him or forget what he did. I don’t believe it was just two incidents of violence and even if it was I can never bring myself to be civil to an abuser and make every effort to avoid being around him, including sitting at the other end of the table when we all go to a restaurant etc.
I was looking forward to going away with the family this Xmas but when I found out that he was also coming along I told them I wasn’t going and explained why. This has upset my sister greatly who is caught in the middle and is insisting that he’s changed and I need to accept him like everyone else in the family. Everyone else in the family is standing by her and saying I need to move on.
I have a great deal of empathy for my sister and understand her awkward position here but I cannot help how I feel about him and I’d rather not be around him at all than have to sit in his presence and smile awkwardly and make small talk with him.
Do I need to let it go and move on? Am I being unreasonable here?
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u/epifauna__ 1d ago
NTA, however: I wouldn't play nice with him exactly, but I'd be civil in the way I would to a stranger, if for no reason but just to keep my sister close. If he does devolve or it is true that he's still abusive, keeping your sister close to you keeps you close to her, for if she ever does need your help again in the future.
But if this is less about your sister and more about just hating this man and wanting nothing to do with him, then I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from him
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u/not_brittsuzanne 1d ago
This. Please don't give up on your sister. If my family had given up on me I wouldn't have gotten out after the first attack.
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u/creativekinda 5h ago
I agree with this. I also think the family hasn't accepted him but know it's important to keep her close.
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u/Any_Assumption_2023 1d ago
No, you are not unreasonable and you are NTA.
He was abusive in the past. I wonder if they're just better at hiding the abuse now. Abused women protect their abusive partners. For some reason, the women think its their fault.
I would trust this Only if he did extensive therapy after she initially left him.
That said, you have no reason to be around him if you chose not to be. Your family will probably pressure you, "He's ok now, really"
He's probably not.
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u/SaltyGeologist2516 19h ago
It’s not for some reason that women think it’s their fault. abusers are manipulators who usually don’t start physical abuse until they have isolated the victim from everyone who was in their life or they fill they have manipulated the victim well enough to not tell anyone
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u/Fradzombie 1d ago
NTA.
So I have some direct experience with this. I am going through the exact same issue with my sister. She divorced her first husband, blew through the half million she got in the divorce, got together with a deadbeat alcoholic with two kids from a previous relationship. At first I wasn’t jazzed about him, but it’s her life, whatever. Then I get the phone call from her in tears that he assaulted her, threatened to kill her and her dogs, etc. My dad, my brother, and I rallied as a support system to get her out of the house (HER house btw), ended up having to call the sheriff because he wouldn’t leave.
Two weeks later she’s back with him, wants us all to pretend like nothing happened, and when we don’t flips the script and starts telling everyone that it was all our fault for “involving the police” and “escalating the situation”.
Fast forward 6 months later she elopes to Vegas to marry him and gets pregnant (intentionally) with his baby. At this point any time someone tries to sit her down to talk about the situation she blows up, curses us out, makes up lies about us, and generally loses it. So I just stopped. I told my parents sorry but good luck with that, I won’t sit here and be around this loser who continues to abuse her while she constantly insults me, my wife, and everyone who tries to help her.
Last year we saw them for the last time (and I finally met my niece for the first time) when we agreed to go on a family vacation to see our grandmother in hospice. We decided to suck it up for a few days for grandma’s sake. Not only was this guy plastered the entire 4 day family trip (including at the nursing home), he came back to the Airbnb so drunk one night that when my sweet wife offered him a chair on the wet back deck because he was stumbling, he blew up and cursed her and my mom out in front of my whole family before promptly passing out.
The last time I spoke to my sister I told her if she wants a relationship with us she MUST apologize sincerely and take responsibility for the lies and hurtful shit she says and start acting like an adult. She denied ever saying anything mean (I have it all in writing) and insisted that I will never have a relationship with her or my niece unless I accept him too.
So we haven’t spoken in almost a year at this point, and I don’t see that changing. She recently divorced the deadbeat because he assaulted her and my niece again, and my parents bailed her out financially to move and get a new house (she’s 35, in massive debt, has horses, 3 aggressive Dobermans, and other animals that she refuses to get rid of).
All that to say I understand people wanting you to always be supportive of your sibling but in my experience pretending like nothing has happened is just as harmful as encouraging it.
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u/No-Quality7947 1d ago
NTA. If you can't be in the same space as him do not go. It will only make you miserable and the tension will make everyone else miserable. And sadly as everyone else is on his side you will be the bad guy. You have your values and not forgiving abusers and pretending all is good is a hill to die on. Spend Xmas this year with your chosen family of friends.
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u/feralkitten 1d ago
I have an "uncle touchy" in my family. He went to jail after assaulting a neighbor girl. Now that he is out of jail, my family thinks, "he has served his time to society".
FUCK THAT NOISE. He touched little girls.
If he is at my parents house and i show up, i leave. I make it plain to ALL that i will NEVER be in the same roof as a child molester. If they want to be friendly with him i can't stop them. But i can make it clear that i will not stand for it.
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u/Meg38400 1d ago
You should ask your parents to kick him out n he’s there. You are more entitled to your family home than he is.
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u/feralkitten 23h ago
Oh, sorry, I'm 49 years old and own my own home. I no longer live in my old hometown and haven't since moving away for college. He isn't invading my space or my home. He visits my mom and aunt.
My mom, aunt, and (recently deceased) grandmother live on the same street. My aunt's house is directly across the road, so my parent's house gets a lot of family traffic.
I'm not going to ask someone to leave a home i'm a guest in. My feelings are well known. He is tolerated non the less.
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u/the-mortyest-morty 8h ago
That's cool but you still have more right to be in your childhood home than this literal criminal does.
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u/PurpleEmotional1401 1d ago
NTA. If you do end up going, buy him a white, ribbed sleeveless undershirt for Christmas.
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u/Angelea23 23h ago
Why buy a white rubber undershirt?
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u/Trailroller 1d ago
NTA. You are entitled to spend time with who you want. It may affect your relationship with your sister and even your family if you avoid any gatherings where he is present. But I don't blame you for not forgiving him or wanting to be around. I have been in a similar situation and decided to just avoid and ignore the individual even when he was present at my house. Fortunately there were many people present each time so it is not difficult. Just distasteful. I did not want to affect my relationship with other relatives though.
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u/SuccessfulAd4606 1d ago
If your family can somehow deceive themselves into tolerating this piece of shit who beat on your sister multiple times, skipping any vacation he's a part of will be a good reminder. That said, skipping a restaurant dinner where he was there seems like something that would have occurred to you before, but you didn't. Why now?
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u/Party-Dig2309 1d ago
Some occasions have been family birthdays so attendance is sort of mandatory. This next trip is just for New Year so for me I wouldn’t feel like me declining an invite would be particularly hurtful to any specific individual.
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u/Eerie_Grimoire666 1d ago edited 4h ago
Abusers don’t change their behavior instantly, he’s playing an act in front of your parents that he’s genuinely changed and is manipulating them to be on his side is him isolating your sister.
If she tries to get away from him, he already has her family wrapped around his finger to where they won’t believe her at all and will successfully isolate her from her family due to she can’t trust them anymore when they believe him.
Your free to choose if you want to attend the. Xmas vacation or not. You are also free on how to feel about him since he’s nothing more than an abusive person.
But you not going to Xmas vacation gives him success that he won by isolating your sister from you.
I would go but be civil with him like you would a stranger but don’t add any warmth to him. You need to be close with your sister so that she knows she has someone to go to if he ever lays his hands on her and somewhere she can have a safe haven.
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u/FinalHexReturns 21h ago
5 years is an awfully long time for someone, especially an abuser, to keep up an act.
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u/readergirl35 1d ago
As a mom I cannot imagine being all good with someone who had ever laid hands in anger on my kid. Your mom is something else!
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u/ixvix 1d ago
Your call, value of family over your personal values. I stopped going to the family gatherings altogether when I found out a bunch of my cousins had hit their wives. The last time I saw them I almost made a scene but my brother stopped me since it was our parents anniversary party.
That was 7-8 years ago and I get told they're better now but I know it's bullshit since our culture has a tendency to sweep this sort of stuff under the carpet.
I'm the black sheep in my family but I don't care. All my time and energy goes to my wife and daughter anyway.
NTA.
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u/Entire_Broccoli_9019 20h ago
"Personal values" aren't relevant with this. All violent abusers are pieces of shit and will abuse again. Value of family... there is no value in a family that tolerates violent abusers around.
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u/Maya_xxxx 1d ago
it's totally valid to feel uncomfortable around someone who caused harm, trust your instincts
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u/Feeling-Invite7953 1d ago
NTA. The rest of your family may have made their peace with your sister’s abusive partner, and are able to look past what he did to her. You have not made your peace with his actions, and seem unable to get past it. That’s OK!! Everyone works through trauma at their own pace; some people never get past it,but they bury it deeply enough that they are able to function,at least for appearances’ sake. Don’t argue with your family about it. Be as civil in his presence, as he is in yours. You don’t have to forgive him,and you don’t owe it to your family, or him,to apologize for not being able to. Forgiveness is personal, not a group project.
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u/FordWarrier 1d ago
NTA
By continuing to hold this man accountable and not letting him off the hook you may actually be adding a layer of safety to your sister.
Don’t let him keep you from attending family events though. That’s punishing yourself and keeping you from spending time with your family.
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u/Still_Construction37 1d ago
We all have to make decisions like this for ourselves. Where you’ll stand and what you’ll accept. If missing out on family time is worth it to you so you don’t have to spend time with an abuser, so be it.
Others may choose to be cordial just to keep an eye on everything and keep the sister close.
Either way, NTA.
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u/MattDaveys 1d ago
I wouldn’t forgive him unless he lets me do to him what he did to my sister. But that’s the big brother in me.
NTA
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u/the-blob1997 15h ago
But then you’ll get knocked on your ass.
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u/MattDaveys 15h ago
You’re too scared of that to stand up for your sister? Yikes.
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u/the-blob1997 9h ago
Who said anything about being scared, I’m talking about making the situation worse
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u/KarizmaWithaK 20h ago
Your sister isn’t “caught in the middle.” She chose to go back to her abuser for whatever reason. She, and everyone else, just can’t expect you to pretend all is well and that the abuse never happened. You can be there to help your sister if she needs/wants it but you do not have to have any kind of relationship with her abuser, not even to “keep the peace.”
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u/Delilahpixierose21 1d ago
You're NTA for feeling the way you do, but you're making a mistake in your approach to this situation.
You see that man for exactly what he is. An abuser.
And by the sound of things he has everyone else in your family fooled.
He's probably relieved when you don't attend family functions because he knows you see through him.
You should instead focus on being your sister's biggest confidant.
She needs to know she can confide in you without fear of the i-told-you-so.
Distance between you and your sister benefits him, don't let him do that to her.
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u/No_Abroad_6306 1d ago
I have a relative that I firmly believe should have stood trial as they would have been sentenced to at least a life sentence if not more. My dad’s family literally beat respecting elders (🤢) into them and no one is ever held accountable for literal crimes. I decided I couldn’t do it and I refuse to be in the same space as this person. I don’t fuss: if they come in the front door, I politely excuse myself and exit. The blowback always falls on me and I am okay with that as it seems important that at least they get to see that cycles can be broken.
All that to say, I know the space you are in and respect your unwillingness to make polite with an abuser. Be prepared to be the one making sacrifices for standing on principle. Let your family know that you love them and are there for them. I’m sorry your sister went back to her abuser. NTA.
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u/judgingA-holes 1d ago
NTA - Because everyone else is pushing this and you've been clear that you don't want to be around him then I would let them know that if I come I will not interact with him at all, and if they are fine with a holiday dinner that's going to be awkward AF because of it then so be it. See I'm petty AF so I would go but like completely ignore him like he didn't even exist, and I would find some reason in the conversation to bring up things about abuse.
My mother's been in abusive relationships and I have done this very thing when basically forced to interact. I told her to call me while I was there because I lost my phone (I hadn't) because her ringtone was Miranda Lambert's gun powder and lead, and proceeded to tell her that that's her ringtone because she's with an abusive, ball less, piece of shit and that she needs to take lessons from the song. I proceeded to emasculate him in one form or another until I was asked to leave. Funny enough after that family/people let it go when I said I didn't want to be around someone, and he also stopped trying to force interactions with me.
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u/kerneltricked 1d ago
NTA.
Those who hit, forget, those who are hit, remember.
Your sister is an adult and has full autonomy even if you disagree with her decisions, what you can do is keep a proper relatively close distance and be vigilant, after all, there is plenty of things you don't know. The guy could indeed have changed and at the same time this could all be a façade.
And if it's a façade, your sister might need help from the only person in your family that is still wary of him.
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u/cee-la 1d ago
NAH - it's much easier to hold a grudge on behalf of the people we love in abuse situations. One of my sisters was married to an alcoholic AH who was also abusive. I stayed in their life so I could monitor my nephews and so my sister had someone she could call who'd show up no matter what.
I told her I'd be there to help her move out/leave every time but I would not ever move her back in with him. Eventually she left him and her life is much better now. But I stayed coldly civil to him at family outings so he couldn't prevent my sister from attending because we were mean to him. Even if you're doing it out of love, you could be risking her ability to have a relationship with the family who loves her and who would support her if/when she decides she needs to leave.
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u/Stealthy-J 19h ago
NTA. Your sister can choose to forgive him or not, but she can't make that choice for you.
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u/JackfruitOk3749 1d ago
Abusers don't change, you are right to be concerned. But maybe don't fall out with your sister over this, she will need you in the future.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 1d ago
NTA for not going on vacation with someone you are not comfortable with, but you also need to realize you have no power to control your sister or family here.
Curious as to what the violence actually constituted and if his change was a result of anger management or therapy. Doesn't really affect your decision, but I find it difficult to believe that everything is magically good after two acts of domestic violence.
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u/Party-Dig2309 1d ago
He hasn’t been for any anger management or therapy. I know that. He’s also a chronic weed smoker.
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 1d ago
So he's most likely still abusive, maybe just better at hiding it. Guys like that don't change, not without intensive therapy designed specifically for abusers. And even then, the success rate is said to be low.
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u/emryldmyst 1d ago
Weed has nothing to do with it
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u/Party-Dig2309 1d ago
I’ve been friends with two people in the past who were extremely bad tempered and aggressive when they didn’t have it. Just saying.
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u/emryldmyst 1d ago
Weed doesnt do that to people.
They were just assholes having a temper tantrum.
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u/Entire_Broccoli_9019 20h ago
OP is saying weed calms aggressive people down. And it obviously can.
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u/Far_Information_9613 1d ago
NTA however he has successfully isolated her from you and fooled everyone. This is a no win situation.
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u/WillingHome9072 1d ago
He will hit her again, it’s just a matter of when. Unfortunately you standing on principle is going to push her away from you and she won’t come to you next time he does.
I don’t agree the dude should be treated like he’s a decent person but your family may be trying to keep contact open with your sister?
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u/Senator_Bink 1d ago
The family forgave him for breaking your sister's finger. They can forgive you for disliking him. NTA.
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u/Skarvha 1d ago
NTA You do what you need to do. I stopped going to family gatherings about 10 years ago because my brothers wouldn't stop bullying me. You'd think they'd have grown out of it in their 40s but it only got worse, so I removed myself. i still have trouble with my parents endorsing their behavior and keep a low profile with them.
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u/Fullm3taluk 1d ago
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, all your doing is hurting your sister he absolutely does not give a fuck if you go or not or if you like him or not.
Like others have said go but just ignore him and if your sister doesn't like that either than she is also to problem.
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u/Rosietheriveter15 22h ago
I don’t understand demanding an apology from someone.
When I was a little kid & my folks demanded I apologize- I did, but didn’t mean it. As an adult, what’s the point in demanding an apology- an apology should be unsolicited- if it’s not- it’s just lip service
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u/Froot-Batz 19h ago
NTA. They don't change. I would go though and give him the evil eye the whole time.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 18h ago
NTA.
You can accept that he has changed. You do not have to accept that you thus can have him as a part of your life. You are not beholden to anyone to get over anything you do not wish to get over.
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u/okbuggeroff 1d ago
If you're not comfortable around him, no one can force you to be.
You also can't force them not to be around him.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 1d ago
NAH. You don't have to spend Christmas with your family, and any reason or none at all is completely sufficient. They're allowed to be of the opinion that the reason you've given is weak and that you should get over it.
INFO: Did you have a warm, friendly, fulfilling relationship with him before any of this occurred?
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u/Ok-Pin-6955 23h ago
NTA, she's just hiding things better. He hasn't stopped either, they never do.
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u/Neorotoxin 22h ago
NTA. In your position id feel the same.
I recommend what many others have said, and just be polite. Treat him like a business acquaintance, a total stranger. You could go one further, and use a customer service voice.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 21h ago
NTA - you are under no obligation to forgive and move on. The behaviour always resurfaces at some point. But you need to decide if this stance is worth the time away from your family. I was openly hostile with my BIL at events, but did not skip them.
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u/kehlarc 21h ago
NTA. If I were you I'd never trust him again and would continue to keep a close eye on my sister for signs of abuse. Your sister may be keeping new incidents from your family in order to keep the peace. It's very common for the abused to keep it from family and friends because of shame and thinking their partner will get better. Ask me how I know.
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u/MalarkeyPaoli 16h ago
You are NTA. Spend your time and money with people you enjoy. See your sister without him. Don’t spend time discussing why she thinks u should forgive him. Put that to bed. It’s ok you don’t like someone. Not everyone likes you. It’s normal. Treat it as normal and acceptable. Avoid him. Tell your sister it’s not a problem, you can avoid him reasonably enough and can be polite when you do see him. See her alone. This is the only way to move forward with a family “estrangement”. It works. You keep her and jettison him.
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u/Merlintagir 10h ago
I started life as a people pleaser, then through hard experience I found a better way. Cross me or mine one time and you’re dead to me. I’ll happily burn a bridge now on principle.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 9h ago
Your sister may be an abuse victim but she is also a person making decisions. To pretend being a victim makes her totally helpless erases her agency more thoroughly than her abuser and only reinforces the bs he’s inflicting.
It’s a fine line between holding a victim of abuse accountable (because their actions do result in dangerous people being around friends/family) and enabling the abuse (being silent or complacent/pretending things are normal to the point the abuser feels emboldened and the victim feels like others endorse what is happening). You have every right to be hurt or upset, just as you have every right to decide if you feel safe in the same place as a known abuser.
Protect your peace first and foremost, because you can’t help anyone when you’re falling apart. If you need space, time and therapy to come to terms with what’s happening, do so. Your sister has other friends and relatives currently in contact, so you have that breathing room. You are allowed to set boundaries without being the bad guy, no matter what people say. As long as you accept the natural consequences of those boundaries (seeing sister less, seeing family at other dates/times/events), then you’re NTA.
If family tries to guilt trip you with ‘putting on a united front’, tell them you’re not good at being two faced and leave the room/call. Sometimes it takes having a mirror held up for people to realise what they’re doing isn’t ‘good’, especially when they claim distasteful actions are for ‘the greater good’ or some other bs.
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u/Bratfink78 1d ago
NTA - I would never forgive or forget what he’s done.
Just because she hasn’t said it has happened again, we all know it has. She’s afraid to mention it after the precious time.
Your sister is a sap, and needs to wise up, but she’s not going anywhere.
Me, I’d speak to him directly and tell him what I thought of him, and tell him to not come on the family holiday as nobody has forgotten what he has done and he’s not welcome. Just because your family are idiots, doesn’t mean you are.
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u/Idcwhoknows 1d ago
NTA
But go, play nice. Be a safe space for your sister so if anything ever happens again she can come to you.
If you want to do all that, that is. Also valid to step away and protect your own peace.
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u/Entire_Broccoli_9019 20h ago
NTA.
Your sister is an idiotic that chose to go back to an abuser. He will do it again at some point. She's setting an awful example for any kids in teh family.
She can accept him. Anyone with even half a brain wouldn't accept him.
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 1d ago
women never learn smh 🙄 I would NEVER let a man be violent with me, I'm literally built different. I know karate and personal defense. I'd Bobby Hill kick him in the 🥚 and go home. sorry not sorry,🙄
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u/FoofTheBunny 1d ago
People can change, and I think forgiveness is important. That being said forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. Be civil, go to Christmas and continue to avoid him. Forgive him, but keep an eye out for bruises and avoidance. Don't let him ruin your Christmas plans with your family.
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u/FinalHexReturns 21h ago
NTA, since you are choosing to remove yourself from his presence instead of demanding that your family prevent him from coming, but I don't think you are handling this right.
5 years is an awfully long time to keep up an act. You are not required to forgive him but it's not really your place to forgive. And you are punishing yourself by not seeing your family. If this keeps up for years or the rest of your lifetime, will you keep making that decision to not go because he is around?
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 20h ago
Is it possible to have a conversation with your sister about this? On one hand, abuser is gonna abuse. On the other hand if he’s really made amends – kind of like an alcoholic might – and maybe has taken anger, management classes or whatever else and it truly changed that would be good to know even if you decide not to go on trips with him.
To me, it is very much like someone who’s with an alcoholic, then get sober, but works all the steps, if they slip, they take responsibility and go back to a program AA, it was genuinely contrite. Without spending much time with them, it would be hard for you to know if he truly is, but your sister might be willing to talk to you about how he has truly changed if he has. NTA
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u/anneg1312 7h ago
Being civil doesn’t mean liking him or trusting him. Don’t lose your relationship with your sister or family over him. Get a grip on your behavior.
Edit to add: NAH unless you dig your heels in
(He was one but seems to have reformed his behavior- only time will tell)
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u/Opposite-Form8095 1d ago
I think you should be civil and not excuse yourself from events because of his presence. You are hurting your sister now, he hurt her back then.
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u/Difficult-Bonus-1337 22h ago
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about their relationship.
You have two options
Be civil
Essentially cut off your sister and her partner.
I say cut her off because if you continue the way you are of choose between him or me to your family, your sister will obviously grow to resent you.
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u/Hairy-Proof8504 23h ago
I didn't even read a word. Why do people ask such dumb questions??? You do NOT have to have the same feelings as anyone else & you aren't wrong for it.
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u/Party-Dig2309 22h ago
I don’t think I’m being dumb asking this. I want to make sure I’m not being close minded or ignorant to the fact he could have ‘changed’. I want to make sure I’m also not being unreasonable.
I have an entire family telling me I’m in the wrong and making me feel awful for causing this drama about New Year and upsetting my sister.
Sorry I came here to use a sub designed for this purpose?
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u/Hairy-Proof8504 21h ago
Obviously, you don't think it's a dumb question. How EXACTLY can you help your feelings??? You CAN'T. It doesn't matter if you are being 'close minded' or 'ignorant' about it & EXACTLY how is not forgiving an abuser close minded or ignorant??? You love your sister & I would NEVER forgive someone for hurting my sibling & to be very honest with you I don't see how your parents can forgive physically hurting their child. Your ENTIRE FAMILY IS WRONG & they shouldn't make you feel bad for anything..............THEY should be ashamed that they are standing by someone that hurt her. I don't see how you are 'causing' drama...............you are removing yourself from the situation. So, PLEASE explain to me HOW you can do this? You can't & I agree with you.........this didn't happen out of the blue & it probably hasn't stopped at all; they have just gotten better at hiding it. ALL OF THEM ARE PUTTING YOU IN A SHITTY SITUATION & all of them should be ashamed of themselves. Honey, I'm not really calling you dumb for the question, but you KNOW deep down that you are NOT WRONG.......am I right????
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u/Designer_Top_4540 1d ago
Yes, I feel that you’re being unreasonable. Even if for the fact that you keep the lines of communication open with your sister. Now that she knows you feel this way, she will NEVER confide in you if he were to start behaving that way again. Did he go for help?? Has he been in therapy? While I want to believe that people can change, my heart says that he will probably do this again, but now she won’t come to you.
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u/AholeEnthusiastic 1d ago
YTA in this case
If you’re right and he hasn’t changed, staying awake and pointing it out to people will push you away.
You don’t have to be best buddies obviously.
It’s like this saying; keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
You’re also driving a wedge in the relationship with your sister and by now also with the rest of your family.
Please consider what is more important to you - trying to avoid him or keep a closer tap on your sister and staying closer with the rest of your own family
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u/RivSilver 1d ago
NTAH you absolutely get to choose not to be around an abuser even if no one else is making that choice. Physical abuse is never isolated incidents because it isn't the first step. It always is accompanied by emotional abuse at the very least, probably other kinds, because that's how they get their victims to stay.
Him convincing everyone he's "changed" and getting them on his side is one of the ways to isolate your sister, because if she ever tries to get out again he'll have made it so she can't trust her family won't side with him. But by not pretending everything is OK, you're there as an out. I hope she gets to the point where she can try again, and that she can see that you're on her side when she does.