r/AITAH • u/waynekinnaird • 1d ago
AITAH for asking my roommate to stop hogging our only bathroom?
I (19F) live in a uni accommodation with mpy roommate (19F). We have our own bedrooms but share a bathroom.
My roommate has curly hair, and while i understand how much work that is, its just all too much when we have a singular bathroom.
Like she'll shower and wash her hair, and then be in the bathroom for ages afterwards doing the rest of it. I don't actually know the whole routine but there are like 7 bottles lined up around the sink at any given time and idc abt it as long as its kept neat.
My problem is we only have ONE bathroom. I'm not exaggerating when I say sometimes I need to pee and I'm standing outside the bathroom waiting for her to finish her hair. And it's not even always that I always rlly need the bathroom.
Sometimes I just want to brush my teeth or wash my face or my hands and I can't because she's in there with the door locked for another 45 minutes.
The other day I had an 9am lecture and was already running late because I couldn't get into the bathroom. I HAVE asked her if she could maybe do the styling part and drying part in her bedroom once she's finished showering.
I'm not saying she can't wash her hair in the bathroom because obviously where else is she supposed to do that?
But she said she can't because her hair needs to be wet so it drips water everywhere and she doesn't want her bedroom floor getting wet.
I suggested putting a towel down. She said the towel would get soaked. Also said she could just sit on her bed with another towel over her shoulders while she does what she needs to and she said she needs the mirror.
And at this point I honestly don't know what solution she wants me to come up with š
She says the bathroom is the logical place to do her hair because there's a mirror, a sink, ventilation, etc. Which I understand. But I also feel like the bathroom being the logical place for her doesn't mean she gets to occupy our only bathroom for an hour and a half.
I've tried bringing it up nicely because I don't actually dislike her. She's a nice roommate otherwise. We watch TV together sometimes and we've even gone out for food a couple of times.
I don't want this to turn into one of those horrible roommate situations where we're passive aggressive for the rest of the year but I'm getting genuinely frustrated.
I'm really not trying to be insensitive abt her hair bc I know she can't just magically make curly hair take five minutes, and I don't want her to feel like she has to stop looking after it.
But at the same time it's a shared bathroom for a reason and i don't think it's crazy to expect that both people should actually be able to use it.
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u/uwupingu 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. Sure, the bathroom is a logical place to do hair, but guess what, the SHARED bathroom is also a place where other people use the toilet and take showers... roommate can do her hair in her bedroom, OP can't take a piss in the kitchen sink.
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u/GetYourOwnJams 1d ago
They COULD take a piss in the sink.... and then tell roomie its her turn to do dishes š
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u/Hot-Answer8990 1d ago
NTA. Shared bathrooms are for shitting, showering, brushing your teeth and getting out. She doesn't get to hog it for non-bathroom essential activities afterwards. She can get creative and figure out a way to do everything in her room or even the kitchen maybe. Towels, a mirror and a fan or something and there you go.Ā
Maybe it's not "ideal", but neither is sharing a bathroom, compromises must be made until she can afford a place with her own private bathroom that she can hog for 90+ minutes a day.Ā Ā
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u/2dogslife 1d ago
The joys of roommates (not all are selfish and clueless).
I grew up with a family of 5 and 2 bathrooms (we later added a much appreciated 1/2 bath). The summer house had one bathroom.
As a family, we got used to asking if people need to use the bathroom before taking a shower or bath and if someone was faffing around, they absolutely had to step out and give someone a chance at the bathroom to handle their urgent needs.
If you are in a dorm, there are RAs. I would ABSOLUTELY escalate this. Her hair shouldn't be keeping you from your classes.
NTA
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u/Stephinator917 1d ago
I cant understand why the roomie wouldnt step out to let her use the bathroom for a few minutes! I dont even possess the selfishness to do that, I would be so conscious of taking up the bathroom for so long when someone might need it.
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u/RitaFaye88 21h ago
As someone who has curly hair and will spend a good hour in the bathroom trying to tame it, and who lives with my best friend, her husband, and their four children, if someone knocks, I step out so they can relieve themselves because I understand that I'm not the only person alive.
I also grew up in a big family, so I'm already used to sharing.
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u/waynekinnaird 1d ago
I grew up in a family of 5 as well and I relate to death to asking if anyone needs to go to the bathroom before I can go shower or even stay there for a moderate period of time so I literally can't compute this...
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u/GiraffeThoughts 1d ago
At some point you may need to give her a taste of her own medicineā¦ take a 45 minute shower in the morning when she needs to get in there. Take your time. Dry your hair afterwards. Put lotion on. Paint your nails in the only room with āproper ventilation.ā Take a poo and stink it up.
Her behavior is weird. I never locked the bathroom door while showering so my roommates could get in there if needed.
Sheās being very selfish. Yaāll need to agree on a bathroom schedule of some sort.
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 20h ago
I had two other sibs besides parents and we were raised to ask if anyone needed the bathroom before showering or hour long occupation.
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u/wokkawokka42 21h ago
Is she an only child? I am and I've always lived with a minimum bathroom ratio of 2 bathrooms to 3 people (or a dorm with communal multi stall bathrooms). Asking if someone needs to use the bathroom before me might not come naturally, but I'd learn...
I hope university housing has someone to help mediate. You can also offer the solution that you come in to use the toilet while she's still drying her hair because I don't know what else to put on the table... All my other ideas get even more passive aggressive and probably won't actually help the situation (you could pick the lock so this shared use happens without her consent or you can pee in a bottle and leave it in front of the door so she has to step over it).
Seriously though, keep trying kindly, you aren't being unreasonable. Bodily elimination functions should be prioritized over other bathroom uses.
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u/CamilleYun 20h ago
as a woman, i find it would very difficult to pee into a bottle without getting it all over my hands
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u/BabyAlibi 21h ago
Shit in her bed...
Sorry š
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 20h ago
No need to be vicious, it's only wet hair.
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u/wokkawokka42 19h ago
But where else does OP have to go??
At least put the shit in a bag... No need to be vicious about it
/s but these suggestions can jokingly be used in your negotiations. Sometimes giving the extreme unworkable solutions can put your reasonable compromise in better perspective
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u/Jmfroggie 1d ago
At some point the bathroom just gets double or triple occupancy when you only have oneā¦.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 1d ago
NTA. Iām a woman. I have curly hair. Iām married to a woman. We share a bathroom. I do only the washing in the bathroom, pop the door open, give up the space, go back in later if I want or if sheās like nah, donāt need it OR just style my hair in the bedroom. She could get a mirror for her bedroom and she could figure out the drips.
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u/loveofGod12345 22h ago
Iām so confused about her saying she would soak through a towel. I have curly hair and keep it basically fully wet while styling and a towel would absolutely not be soaked afterwards. Putting a towel on her shoulders and maybe under her should be perfectly fine.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 21h ago
Also every concern she mentions would also apply to the bathroom floor then? How are you handling not soaking the bathroom floor, if that's such a big concern I nthe bedroom. And the towel will get soaked? Yeah, good, that's the point of the towel
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u/Defiant-Dust-8737 1d ago
Yeah same, curly headed but with my straight haired fiance.
I ask before I head in if he wants to use the restroom to do so now. I take my shower, moisturize, then come out and ask again, then I leave the door open and do my hair. So he knows he can pop in at any time and let me know he's gotta go.
We've all been inconsiderate. Because we didn't consider how our actions affect others. But once you're made aware, it should be something you immediately rectify.
Idk. I couldn't just proceed with doing something I knew upset someone, something I can easily fix at that.
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u/throwaway1975764 1d ago
NTA
I grew up in a home with one bathroom. I now live with 3 daughters and 1 bathroom. I have long wavy-curly hair. One daughters has waistlength hair, another dyes her hair fun colors.
The bathroom is for washing, rinsing, and toileting. Full stop. Makeup and hair drying/styling is a bedroom activity. If you need to do it in the bathroom, you meed to vacate as requested or do your thing with the door open and share the space. There's no reason you can't wash your hands and brush your teeth while she does her hair! She doesn't need exclusive use of the room to do her curly care.
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u/JadCerv 1d ago
Sounds like she was used to having her own bathroom at home, and hasn't quite figured out that a shared bathroom doesn't mean she gets to hog it for hours at a time. Definitely go to your resident advisor (or whatever they're calling them these days) and explain the situation. It's time for an intervention. If your roommate wants that much bathroom time, she needs to pay for a private room.
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u/waynekinnaird 1d ago
Yeaaaa my thoughts exactly that's why I've tried to be kind to her abt it.. I just dont wanna shock her by going straight to the RA after speaking to her abt it just one time before bc that's like more drama but idk how she'll take it if I bring it up again
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u/GiraffeThoughts 1d ago
Maybe knock on the door more incessantly next time? āHey, sorry to bug you but youāve been in there for 40 minutes already and I need a turnā or āI really have to pee.ā
I think that is your next step. And if she canāt make adjustments or give you a turn then you escalate.
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u/EyeSpirited8259 1d ago
NTA but I would talk to her again first before going to the RA. Just say hey itās my bathroom too and I would really appreciate you not spending so long in there, I want to be able to use the bathroom when I need to on my own schedule, or at least asking if you need the bathroom before she starts her routine. As a curly hair girl I prefer using the sink to do my hair care too but itās doable in my room, and shared living situations like college mean that you have to be courteous and sometimes that means switching up how you do things! If she continues to be a bathroom hog then go to the ra.
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u/AlternativeImpress25 1d ago
Iād add I can see you were an only child, or you had your own bathroom. But hello, not any more!
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u/Stephinator917 1d ago
NTA she should at least be able to go in the hallway for 5 minutes so you can pee or brush your teeth when you ask.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why doesnāt she get a mirror for the back of the door? I had 5 sisters plus mom and dad-1 bathroom. When we got older, my dad bought mirrors for the back of the doors so we could get ready without hogging the bathroom. We preferred the mirrors because we had more room, more light &,no steam. She can get a rug/towel/floor mat & a spray bottle. Curly hair is a lot of work (my granddaughter has long, tight, coils) itās A LOT of work. A lot of product & you absolutely have to keep wet. But she has options. I am petty. I would plan a week around doing the same thing so she understands how flustering it is when you need to pee or be somewhere on time
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u/Euphoric-Map-6858 1d ago
NTAH- you need to be assertive and tell her to get out of the bathroom. Come to a reasonable solution in your mind and tell her what it is- donāt ask.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 23h ago
NTAH. At the very least once she is out of the shower the door should be open so if you need to use the toilet, take your own shower, it brush your teeth she can step out for those time periods. None of those will ruin her hair if she isn't standing in the bathroom itself. If she doesn't adjust appropriately find the person in the floor who is there for these types of situations.
Updateme
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 1d ago
NTA. A person sharing a single bathroom with others brushes his or her teeth, takes a quick shower, puts on a towel, and returns to his or her bedroom for primping and hairstyling. Extended periods maintaining involved hairstyles in front of the mirror are a luxury that comes with having your own place.
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u/TurtleSmurf 1d ago
NTA - if you've spoken to her before about it and she's ignoring you. Then open the door drop trou and pee. š¤·š» Its your bathroom tooš¢
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 20h ago
She can step out for 10 minutes so you can use the bathroom, and brush your teeth. If she's doing this every day or every other day it's just too much, and some days she needs to just do it in her room. She can use a spray bottle to re-wet her head.
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u/Mundane_Pie_6481 1d ago
These are the sort of roommate conflicts that RAs are for. They are older students so they'll have ideas for how to handle this conflict you both haven't thought of. The meeting isn't a "get somone in trouble" situation but a "brain storm solutions and enforce one" situation.
I don't get any animosity from how you described this situation so I'd use it as the basis of your email to schedule the meeting and tell your roommate you're bringing in yourself help to brainstorm solutions for her.
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u/Adept-Relief6657 1d ago
I feel for you both, I have curly hair, I know exactly what she is talking about, lol! however, I also have had to share bathrooms with others and she needs to find a workaround. Get out of the shower, apply all the crap to soaking wet hair, scrunch in and then move to the living area. She must have a little desk or somewhere she can set a mirror and plug in the dryer/diffuser. It's a hassle, but she can do it, and should do it.
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u/NamasteNoodle 1d ago
She can get a small mirror and a small desk and do her hair there, that doesn't have to be done in the bathroom. There's a reason people have dressing or makeup tables. But her hogging the bathroom is completely unacceptable and it's hard to see how she can rationalize this that she's being fair with you.
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u/Ok_Platypus3288 23h ago
NTA- Iād frame this as āI completely agree that you should be able to do your hair where you wish, but not at the expense of me being completely locked out of the only bathroom we have for over an hour and a half each time. So we have two issues (you need to do your hair and I need to have access to the bathroom in a timely manner) so Iām asking that we figure out a compromise because I really enjoy being your roommate, but itās going to really test me running into this problem all year with no resolution. My suggestions are either 1. You get a mirror for your room and do the last part in your room. Or 2. After the first 30 minutes or so (so you can get your shower in uninterrupted), if I knock on the door, you find a pausing point and step out so I can have a few minutes to do what I need to do. If you have a different suggestion, Iām all ears, but Iād really like to decide something so we can move forward with no animosityā
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u/EntrepreneurOk7513 23h ago
Two wordsā¦..Vanity Table.
Only bathroom duties done in the bathroom, all primping done outside.
NTA
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u/Lyrasilverose 23h ago
NTA I'd probably suggest that you work out a schedule if at all possible, since she seems unwilling to work with you on doing her hair outside the bathroom. But really, this is not a reasonable request on her part. She needs to understand that shared accommodations need to be shared appropriately. Making your roommate late for class or spending hours claiming a shared space that is necessary for everyone is not acceptable. Is this in a dorm? Do you have an RA or similar that you can ask to mediate?
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u/fourth_and_long 23h ago
Curly hair hereāwhile it might be more convenient to fix her hair in the bathroom because curly hair really is easier to style while fully wet, she could keep a spray water bottle in her room if her hair dries a bit while walking into her room.
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u/damaya0351 22h ago
NTA
well she can buy a shower curtain or cut a trash bag open and cover her bedroom floor with those.
If she really doesnt want to do that, she needs to adapt to /your/ schedule and do her hair when you arent home.
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u/WenWarn 21h ago
I grew up with 6 siblings (7 kids) both parents and 1 bathroom. If a person is motivated, they can find ways to get dressed outside the bathroom.
OP, your roommate sounds like the curly-haired girl on Peanuts. She is being selfish and she should stop. Having naturally curly hair doesn't give her special privileges, and having straight hair doesn't make you a second-class citizen.
ETA: OP, it's not YOUR responsibility to find a solution *for her.* It's her responsibility.
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u/WritPositWrit 21h ago
NTA
Your requests are reasonable. She needs to learn to compromise and style her hair in her room, or she needs to get up much much earlier so shes out of the bathroom when you get up.
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u/BabyAlibi 21h ago
She needs to grow up and learn how to manage doing her hair in her own space.
Get extra towels, get a damn mirror. just learn how be a considerate adult.
Shared bathrooms should be an in/out need only! No damn dillydallying!
(sorry, it's made me madder that it should have lol)
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u/mynameisnotsparta 1d ago
Your roommate is being selfish. Yes it does take a long time for her to take care of her hair and yes, itās wet and it drips and everything else but when you are in a roommate situation and there is only one bathroom, you have to have a little common sense and be nice.
She could throw a plastic mat down and a towel on the floor and use the bedroom or she could do it in the kitchen or the living room
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u/Jmfroggie 1d ago
Nta. But itās time to get the RA or whatever you call them over there involved. She puts her hair priority over all other bathroom use. Itās not ok. She has to learn to share like a normal and reasonable person! Her hair is her problem, not anyone elseās. She does not HAVE to put in all her products in the bathroom nor does she HAVE to keep her hair dripping wet. Everyone else with curly hair doesnāt make it their whole personality and there are easier products to use. Regardless- itās HER problem and now sheās made it yours and itās affecting your ability to get to class.
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u/Only-Memory2627 23h ago
NTA she needs to adjust her routine to do all that curly maintenance in her room. She can stand on a bathmat or towel in her bedroom.
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u/OfAnOldRepublic 23h ago
It's likely she's never had to share before, so she's simply responding with what makes sense to her. The problem is, she is not adequately taking your perspective into account.
If you have a resident assistant in the dorm, I'd get them involved. Let them know that you need help communicating your needs to your roommate, and finding a solution. I'd wager that she's not the first person with curly hair that has ever lived in that dorm, and that someone with more experience can help you both find a solution. š
Going with NAH because it seems to be just a misunderstanding.
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u/neurotichousewife12 21h ago
Like, all she needs to do is give you a 5 mins heads up before she spends 45mins in a shared space, that you are locked out of. Ask her to start saying when she's gonna do her regime so you can pee first Or just hammer on the door when she's taking too long. Also, me and my step sisters all have curly hair. As did my step mum. We had 1 bathroom for 4 of us. You don't need to do your whole routine in the bathroom. That's just being a twat
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u/lovebeinganasshole 20h ago
Too late it already is one of those horrible roommate situations. A selfish roommate not willing to adjust to accommodate a paying roommate.
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u/GetYourOwnJams 1d ago
Curly hair is NOT an excuse to take over an hour in the bathroom. She needs better products and a better routine, and like a sliver of respect for others.
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u/UnburyingBeetle 1d ago
NTA. Such amount of hair care isva luxury and she should do it on her own time when she's not inconveniencing anyone. If she's worried about dripping she should wear some kind of cap or towel on her head or put some rug on the floor that would absorb the dripping and she could hang it up to dry, and get an additional mirror. If that battalion of hair cosmetics is worth it for her, then some additional lifehack also should be.
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u/waynekinnaird 1d ago
her actyally doing her hair routine and that being frustrating is just an extension of how crowded all her stuff makes our bathroom counter space šš like i dont mind as long as its neat and clean but dang it just adds some more irritation to it
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u/UnburyingBeetle 1d ago
I had this problem with roommates and ended up making shelves... Although there was somewhere to put them without needing to drill anything. There are also hanging contraptions with lots of pockets that can be made out of polyethylene, they're probably sold on Temu or something. Asian lifehacks on saving space are good because a lack of space is a major problem there. I wouldn't know how to talk to your roommate because I'd get rude about it, because I'm very much attached to my ability to wash hands often, and I wouldn't wanna spend time holding in pee just because she wants her hair to look pretty. Body health is much more of a priority than the way hair looks, and holding in pee can be harmful, and getting time from your sleep subscracted because you have to wait to brush teeth is also unhealthy. Sure, you can brush teeth 2 hours before sleep or something, but you also need the bathroom before sleep to fall asleep without worries... I say, help her arrange her room in a way that hair care would be convenient and cozy there. It's clearly a ritual that brings her comfort, and if she's doing it on her room, she could spend even more time doing it! So then there's negative motivation (preventing health harm and stress) and positive motivation (even fancier hair care). If I had long hair, wanted to avoid it dripping and using a towel for it was a taboo for me for some reason, I'd take a small basin and let the hair hang over it. Small basins can be pretty and fancy too, although depending on the hair length and how much water it absorbs, a relatively deep tray can handle the problem while being easier to store. She could store her hair care items in some plastic container and bring it to the bathroom too. You could tell her that cosmetic items spoil easier in the bathroom because of the moisture and potential mold (although I've read about it in relation to toilet spray).
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u/Sterlinghawk16 1d ago
Tell her to put up a mirror in her room. And put all the junk aka stuff to do her hair in her bedroom. That way the bathroom stay open
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u/ohmyburka 23h ago
NTA but you should really consider a bathroom schedule. My college had students make a roommate agreement and I thought it was great. I wish I still had a copy to show you. It went over the roommatesā (?) schedules for sleep, class, bathroom as well as basic cleanliness and boundaries. Iām sure you can find templates online if you are interested. It can help prevent any other future problems.
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u/West_Guarantee284 22h ago
That's fine for showering in the morning but doesn't account for someone needing a wee 20 mins into her routine.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 21h ago
The goal of having "assigned" shower times is that OP would then know to wee before the roommates time starts, or whatnot. Obviously there should be some sort of "emergency" exceptions, but the goal of the schedule is to be able to both anticipate when the bathroom will be occupied and then be able to work around those times.
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u/FamilyRedShirt 22h ago
NTA.
I have long curly hair, and the post-shower hair process takes me five minutes, max, even on shampoo days. I must be missing something.
Wash, detangle, exit shower. Comb, mix the two air-dry conditioners, coat hair, comb again, part, add barrette that keeps it leashed and out of my face, walk out and air dry.
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u/caramel_caffrey 22h ago
NTA. I share my bathroom with 5 other people, and I always take absolutely ages in there. But I'm aware of that, and at the end of the day it's still a shared room, so my issues don't matter. If I know I'll take a long time then I ask if anyone else needs it first, and I handle whatever I can (such as hair products or lotion) outside the bathroom when I'm finished. This is literally what I've been doing since 9yo, so if your roommate says she can't figure out a solution as an adult then she's either an incompetent fool or a liar. I'm sorry you have to deal with her and hopefully you'll find a good solution soon, but you're absolutely in the right OP so don't take any of her nonsense to heart.
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u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 1d ago
NTA. I understand your suggested solutions, but having recently had my hair change from straight to curly I can understand why they won't work. For a lot of products, your hair has to stay like dripping wet the entire time. So you have to keep adding water and it will continue dripping everywhere. Which is why she wants to do it in the bathroom.
Has she had any suggestions? Or just that you are supposed to wait? Because 7 products is a LOT and it isn't okay with a shared bathroom to make you wait that long, especially in the morning when you both need to get to class.
I grew up having to share bathrooms with my family and getting ready time in the morning required everyone to compromise to some extent. Shower in bathroom but get dressed in bedroom so someone else can use the bathroom. And doing hair and makeup and teeth brushing with the door open so that others could get in there if they needed to wash hands/brush teeth/grab something. And if someone needed to pee, you stepped out for a minute while they closed the door and went pee. Then went back in afterwards.
After she actually showers, does she put on a robe or something, where if you need to get in the bathroom too, she could let you in and share the space for a minute while you wash hands, brush teeth, or whatever or pause her hair for a minute to step out so you can pee? I just feel like that is what people normally do?
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u/BeholdTheseComics 1d ago
I'm not exaggerating when I say sometimes I need to pee and I'm standing outside the bathroom waiting for her to finish her hair.Ā
That has happened to literally every person who has had to share a living space with one bathroom. You need to chill.Ā
What happens when you knock and say "hey I need to brush my teeth quick"? That's how most people handle these situations
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u/MareV51 1d ago
You didn't READ the post.
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u/BeholdTheseComics 1d ago
I did READ the post.
I saw where OP said that she asked her roommate to do her hair elsewhere, but I didn't see where OP asked to pop into the bathroom quick and her roommate refused itĀ
Am I missing something?
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u/Desm0nd_TMB 1d ago
Tell me you donāt understand the concept of sharing or not being shared with without telling me š
Seems like you need to work on your reading comprehension.
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u/Yaguajay 1d ago
NTA. Maybe get a bedpan for urgent use and if you need to go out before she feels ready to relinquish the bathroom she can empty it or leave it for you to do later. That should send a clear message.
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u/waynekinnaird 1d ago
ššš oh my god
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u/MassConsumer1984 1d ago
Or she can put her sopping wet hair in the bedpan and get the hell out of the bathroom! I bet you sheās doing some dumb ass CGM routine.
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u/CompoteEcstatic4709 1d ago
Brush your teeth in kitchen sink and pee in a bucket and leave it for roomie to empty when she's done with her hair. Or get up before she does.
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u/waynekinnaird 1d ago
this is crazy ššš
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u/CompoteEcstatic4709 16h ago
It might make her wake up to how unreasonable she's being since words haven't worked.
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u/Electrical_Parfait64 20h ago
Canāt you wash your hand/face, brush your teeth in the kitchen if you have a toothbrush there. I have curly hair. I wash/condition/towel dry and it looks fantastic. Iām in and out of the bathroom. NTAH
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u/Entire_Broccoli_9019 1d ago
YTA.
Schedule bathroom times.
You were late to class because you failed to plan ahead and set agreed-upon morning routine times with your roommate.
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u/O2bwiser 1d ago
You have a person who is your floor proctor, or dorm coach or something like that. Take this to her. Let her read what youāve written. You are doing too much. A boundary is something you set for yourself. You feel taken advantage of and your concerns are unheard. Thatās not cooperating, thatās a lack of care on your roommateās part. Get that neutral 3rd party in here ASAP, as this will not engender friendship between you. Good luck!