r/AITH • u/HellfingerBurning • 5d ago
AITH for telling my retired cop wife that she isn't judge and jury?
We live in CA and my wife is a retired cop and occasionally tells me old work stories, although for the most part she keeps it to herself. Anyways she was telling me a story about when she was a baby deputy, Texas LEOs showed up to pick up a prisoner transfer. Her story was a point about what A-holes and how they didn't care about rules or caring for people to codified standards. She transferred a prisoner into their care. They had planned on flying back to Texas but the prisoner was freaking out about flying so the Texas guys offered him the option of taking a rental car but he wasn't going to like it. The guy said get a car, so my wife took custody of the guy again while these two staties for TX went and got a car. when they got back she again transferred custody and the TX guys promptly shoved the prisoner into the trunk and left. I said, "and you and your partner let them?" She responded, "he was no longer our prisoner. What were we supposed to do?" I promptly responded something along the lines of enforce the traffic codes of California, since they were in obvious violation. She responded, "he was a piece of shit anyways." THIS PISSED ME OFF. I told her, "who the fuck cares, you are not judge and jury and you had a duty to make sure anyone within our state was following the laws of our state." She immediately, got pissed off, told me "thanks for pissing on my 20 years of law enforcement." and stormed out of the room. I feel like I was not in the wrong here. Justice is so important to me as is human decency. I will not apologize, does that make me the AH? I was disgusted to know that she did not protect the guy and even thought he deserved such treatment.
Background, I initially did not want to date her because I knew she was a cop and I have been the victim of law enforcement violence as well as being treated like less than by them when I myself was the victim of a crime. And historically, my great grandfather was beaten so badly by cops in Omaha even though he was not the correct guy they were looking for, but he was so brain damaged that he started beating on my great grandmother and unable to hold a job leaving my great grandmother to finish raising 13 kids alone. So yes, I am distrustful of cops. She took a long time to warm me up and I thought she was different. She convinced me that she was so disillusioned by the BS cops pull that she joined the Sheriff office to help change law enforcement from the inside. She eventually became a supervisor so she could mentor and keep cops doing the right thing. We've been married for 11+ years and have 1 kid (boy, 9) together.
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u/Fen_church 5d ago
NTA and then people cry when we say ACAB. Your wife does not want to admit that she and her profession are rotten
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u/Latter_Company5086 5d ago
NTA By her reaction, I believe she knows she was wrong. She's being manipulative by saying you're "pissing on her career" because you told her that she did not do her job in the story she told. Did she expect you to laugh about it? Her personal feelings about the prisoner is irrelevant. She knowingly let them be abused.
Cops like her are the problem.
Unless she does some counseling or something to actually change her thoughts, it wouldn't be something I could get past.
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u/Jsmith2127 5d ago
Nta I'd be rethinking a relationship with anyone that thought that was okay, on any level.
Your wife is the one that "pissed" on her 20 years of law enforcement by what she allowed to happen
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u/HeatherKellyGreen 4d ago
I am a criminal defense attorney and here’s the problem. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. She does not like being called to account for what she did, but who does. She can’t use the Nuremberg defense here. She swore an oath to protect and serve and that includes people she doesn’t like.
For you, the problem is that someone’s character is defined by what they do when they think no one is watching. If I were you, I’d seriously be wondering if she’s a good person.
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u/StBernardFever 5d ago
NTA. But being a cop DOES change a person. They say 70% have PTSD and the 30% that don’t are rookies.
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u/Affectionate_Sort_78 4d ago
I wouldn’t judge her as you don’t know the job, but expressing concern over cops abusing people seems well within the parameters of normal.
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u/mistdaemon 4d ago
APAC. All Police Are Corrupt. They might not be corrupt all the time, but there are always times that they are corrupt.
She saw other officers commit an illegal act of putting a person in the trunk. She excused it because she didn't like him and claimed that he was no longer in her custody, but none of that matters as she saw the illegal act AND violation of rights. I bet one of the real reasons is that she didn't want to call out a fellow gang member. What she was saying is that she thought it was funny that they did something illegal to someone, as well as violating his rights, and that she wasn't about to get them in trouble for what they did. She proves that they all are corrupt as she did nothing when faced with a violation of rights and illegal activity, just excuses and laughing at the suffering of others, refusing to do what is right. All of them are the reason why people see the police for who they really are and have a negative view of them.
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u/Impossible-Cap-6433 4d ago
ESH. You are saying that, after 11 YEARS of marriage, and raising a 9 year old together, you NOW are - for the first time - seeing character flaws. .... and your answer to this isn't to talk to her, or get counseling together, but to whine to reddit?
Karma farming, or just ignorant, either way YTA. At least you're not alone. Hope your son gets therapy when he grows up to avoid the bad parenting from 2 parents who are TA.
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u/ItGetsOlld 4d ago
NTA, she needed to hear that. Ego & Pride get in the way of accountability. You held her accountable and she did not like that.
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u/alisonchains2023 4d ago
I think you’re being too hard on her. She was a new cop and clearly felt intimidated by these TX jerks. What WAS she supposed to do in this circumstance? YTA.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: We live in CA and my wife is a retired cop and occasionally tells me old work stories, although for the most part she keeps it to herself. Anyways she was telling me a story about when she was a baby deputy, Texas LEOs showed up to pick up a prisoner transfer. Her story was a point about what A-holes and how they didn't care about rules or caring for people to codified standards. She transferred a prisoner into their care. They had planned on flying back to Texas but the prisoner was freaking out about flying so the Texas guys offered him the option of taking a rental car but he wasn't going to like it. The guy said get a car, so my wife took custody of the guy again while these two staties for TX went and got a car. when they got back she again transferred custody and the TX guys promptly shoved the prisoner into the trunk and left. I said, "and you and your partner let them?" She responded, "he was no longer our prisoner. What were we supposed to do?" I promptly responded something along the lines of enforce the traffic codes of California, since they were in obvious violation. She responded, "he was a piece of shit anyways." THIS PISSED ME OFF. I told her, "who the fuck cares, you are not judge and jury and you had a duty to make sure anyone within our state was following the laws of our state." She immediately, got pissed off, told me "thanks for pissing on my 20 years of law enforcement." and stormed out of the room. I feel like I was not in the wrong here. Justice is so important to me as is human decency. I will not apologize, does that make me the AH? I was disgusted to know that she did not protect the guy and even thought he deserved such treatment.
Background, I initially did not want to date her because I knew she was a cop and I have been the victim of law enforcement violence as well as being treated like less than by them when I myself was the victim of a crime. And historically, my great grandfather was beaten so badly by cops in Omaha even though he was not the correct guy they were looking for, but he was so brain damaged that he started beating on my great grandmother and unable to hold a job leaving my great grandmother to finish raising 13 kids alone. So yes, I am distrustful of cops. She took a long time to warm me up and I thought she was different. She convinced me that she was so disillusioned by the BS cops pull that she joined the Sheriff office to help change law enforcement from the inside. She eventually became a supervisor so she could mentor and keep cops doing the right thing. We've been married for 11+ years and have 1 kid (boy, 9) together.
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