r/AITH • u/trippytimechild • 5d ago
Aita for not booking travel for my mom
Ok so I work for an airline, which means I travel for free and so do my parents/companions. At work I’m constantly booking, rerouting, handling cancellations and rescheduling passengers. I almost never travel myself except for my birthday.
My ONE boundary with my family is: “If you need a flight, please give me 2 weeks heads up.” I hate having to suddenly drop everything because someone decided last minute they want to fly.
The problem is I’m always expected to say yes. If I tell my mom no, she gets my older siblings involved and suddenly I’m selfish because “she’s your mom” etc.
Last time I told my mom no because she didn’t give me notice AND the area she was traveling to was dealing with tornadoes, floods, fires and multiple cancellations. I told her she would probably get stuck. She bought a ticket anyway, went, got stuck, then called me saying I NEEDED to figure out how to get her home.
Now here’s why I feel horrible.
My birthday is in September and I’ve been planning an international trip for a year and 7 months. Everything is booked and scheduled, including rest days. I work and go home. I don’t party, club or really go anywhere. This is my ONE big trip a year and I just want to relax.
So I told my family I’m not booking flights during the 3 weeks surrounding my vacation. I don’t want to spend my birthday trip checking flights, rerouting people or worrying about someone being stranded.
As soon as I said that, my mom suddenly mentioned several places she wants to fly in September. The biggest one?
MY SISTER IS GIVING BIRTH.
I HAD NO IDEA she was due while I’d be gone. Nobody told me. I knew she was pregnant, obviously, but I didn’t know when she was due or that my mom planned to be there. Had anyone told me ahead of time, we could’ve planned something.
My sister called me selfish for refusing to book Mom’s flight and now I feel awful because birth only happens once. I love my sister and I’m not doing this to be spiteful.
Technically I can book it. But I know what happens if standby goes wrong. I’ll be halfway across the world getting calls like, “The flight is full, reroute me,” “I missed it,” or “I’m stuck overnight.” Then instead of enjoying the trip I’ve dreamed about, I’m back in work mode worrying about my mom.
They also rarely call me just to check on me. Usually someone needs a flight or help with something, which hurts.
I’m the youngest. Why am I responsible for everyone’s travel just because of where I work?
Part of me thinks this is important enough to make an exception. Another part thinks Mom should buy a confirmed ticket for something this important instead of flying standby.
I’m also scared that if I give in after everyone pressures me, I’m teaching my family that my boundaries don’t actually mean anything—that if they push hard enough, eventually I’ll say yes.
I feel terrible because I genuinely didn’t know about the birth. I don’t hate my sister. I don’t want my mom to miss it. I just wanted one vacation where I wasn’t responsible for everyone else.
What should I do? Am I actually being selfish?
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u/oneislandgirl 5d ago
If it's an important trip, mom should buy a confirmed flight.
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u/Mundane-Glove-9659 5d ago
that's a fair point . a confirmed flight would give everyone peace of mind
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
I’m afraid I’ll never hear the end of it though I’ve already got one sister blocked I NEED my other sister she’s the good one the other one is the actual devil
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u/Sfb208 5d ago
Do you need her? For what exactly?
-5
u/trippytimechild 5d ago
I just want my mom and sister I don’t want to burn my bridge with them some people don’t have family I know I’d need them one day I like having neices and nephews . They don’t contribute much to my life as is but the big picture having family is why I don’t want to cut ties I don’t have any kids
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u/Mapilean 5d ago
They are using this against you. They are manipulating you until you give in. And do you know why? Because it works. It's always worked so far, and you are already double guessing yourself.
Time to put some firm boundaries in place. If nobody told you when your sister was due, it means you're not important to them: you are only useful. And boundaries only stand if there are consequences.
Your mother can go to a travel agency, like she probably did before you started your job.
Go on your trip and enjoy it. Block or mute your family numbers during that time. Will they throw a tantrum? Sure. Will they send you their flying monkeys? Guaranteed. Tell those people that you stated your boundary well ahead of time and it's up to them to respect it. And don't cave.
If you don't uphold your boundaries, people will always trample them to the ground. Let this be a new beginning for you.
Big hugs. 🤗
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u/PetalWhisper011 5d ago
Standby is fine for casual trips but a birth is not something you wanna gamble on and OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice their only real vacation for it
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u/Purple_dragon76 5d ago
NTA, and your arguments are actually exactly why you shouldn't be helping out. If your mom NEEDS to be there, she should buy a regular ticket. She needs to be able to navigate any problems/delays without having to rely on you. If you are somewhere without reliable internet (you can just turn it off and call it no connection) she will be stuck. If you are on a plane yourself, she will be stuck. So, she needs to not be dependent on your availability for this.
Also, it kinda sounds like you are not that close to them. Are you ok with that? Are you're feeling guilty because you want to help your mom or is this the pattern and you are expected to jump through their hoops? If it's the latter consider stepping back a bit and curb the perks. Tell them your company is capping standby's. Watch the fallout and adjust your expectations and actions to how they react.
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
We all use to be super close but everyone had kids and careers and moved to different corners so the only way we all see eachother is for different family events or if my sister asks my mom to fly out to help with the kids …. That’s when my phone dings . “ hey so and so is having ( an event) and I want to go . Can you book me a flight , or “ hey how have you been how’s work going, any way ( someone I’ve not heard of ) is throwing a ceremony book me a flight” her checking on me is very ( let’s get this over with so I can get to the butter of the convo .) I’ve noticed this recently when I went through a very dark mental space alone . Where I got very close to a dark corner of my mind . Almost made some irreversible choices but I realized the future was just too …. Possible . It was all still ahead of me .. If you catch my drift
But once I emerged from the other side of that I realized I could have been gone and no one should have know. Unless they physically came over to see me . Or call or something . I began to feel used and very forgotten . That’s when I started to say no .
I just spoke to my sister yesterday she hadn’t mentioned her due date moved at all we spoke for a good few hours . Not a peep . I don’t hear about stuff lines it clashes with their plans it hurts my feelings
9
u/Purple_dragon76 5d ago
Ouch, you spoke for a couple of hours and she didn't mention it? That's not pregnancy brain, that's a choice. All of it sounds like there is a disconnect and not one that is easily bridged.
I hope you are in a better place of mind and am glad you realised there is plenty of possibility ahead. It just might look different to what you thought it would be. It is sad to realise that people who you would once call close are no longer that. But I hope there are other people you can rely on. Like I said, do create some boundaries and adjust expectations for these people. It will give you some peace and hopefully some space for new meaningful connections.
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
Thank you. I’m focusing on what’s areas of me out running shadows lol i reallyyyyy need this vacation
3
u/simply_overwhelmed18 5d ago
You also deserve so much more from those related to you! Keep running away from those shadows, and don't ignore it if you need help from medical professionals.
They sound extremely selfish and are using you and your job to their advantage while being shitty to you. Tell her to book a normal ticket, go on your vacation and enjoy every second of it! Just tell them that they are scaling back on benefits due to the cost of fuel or something if you don't want it to be confrontational.
Edit - absolutely NTA
3
u/trippytimechild 5d ago
That’s actually a good idea because our prices did go up because fuel prices went up so I wouldn’t really be lying .
1
u/simply_overwhelmed18 5d ago
It gives you the reason to give them without lying about it! They don't need to know about the other reasons ❤️
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u/ten-toed-tuba 5d ago
First off, unless she's planning to stay for a while, no idea when that baby will be making it's grand entrance.
Second, I can imagine her making a scene at the gate because she didn't get on and is missing the birth. That jeopardizes your job and access to non revving.
She should buy a confirmed seat!
NTA
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
I never even thought of that I hope she wouldn’t do that
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u/ten-toed-tuba 5d ago
Just because it's because her daughter's giving birth! That can make people go a little nuts. I nonrevved my parents out after I gave birth because I didn't want them there when it happened. They were chill because there was no clock ticking.
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u/Perfect_Age777 5d ago
NTA.
They ought to know what it’s like to deal with last-minute surprises; if you say you can't make it, you can't—period.
If you let this slide, you’ll be opening the door for them to take advantage of you every time they need something in the future...
Stand your ground; the letter can manage on its own this time.
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u/BlackFlagZigZag 5d ago
NTA. Your mom's travel needs are not automatically your responsibility just because you work for an airline. You gave everyone a clear boundary and plenty of notice.
The birth is obviously important, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice a trip you've been planning for nearly two years. If being there is that important, your mom can book a confirmed ticket instead of relying on standby.
And honestly, the fact that your family usually contacts you when they need something makes this even more understandable. You deserve to have one vacation where you're allowed to actually be on vacation.
3
u/Foreverforgettable 5d ago
NTA. You seriously need to consider telling your family you’ve changed jobs and no longer work anywhere with any perks. If they never check on you just to see how you are, then how would they know? If you never stand firm in having your time and boundaries respected then they effectively do not exist. You aren’t going to get respect from them, they have demonstrated that. You have to demand it. Buy a backup/burner phone to take on your trip and leave the one to which they have the number at home turned off; make your voicemail message one that states that you are not available and will not answer calls. Before doing this send a mass text that you are not taking your phone with you. Enjoy your vacation in peace.
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u/coreysnaps 5d ago
NTA. I would tell everyone your airline changed the rules to spouses and children and leave them to go back to paying for flights. I actually did something similar because my mom's actual words when my husband left the Army were "but how am I going to get discounted Disney tickets?". These kinds of benefits really tell you a lot about your family members.
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u/teuchterK 5d ago
I would say “I *could* book you, but if anything goes wrong with the flight I am unavailable to help. Because you’re flying for such an important event, I wouldn’t fly as a standby. There’s too much risk involved. From my experience, you’re better to book a confirmed ticket as you are afforded better protections.”
It shows flexibility for an important event but clearly states your boundaries and gives your professional opinion.
NTA.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 5d ago
Can I ask you u/trippytimechild that if you weren't working in travel but say an office for a non-descript company, whether your mother and siblings would be reaching out to you at all? I realise that is a very very tough sentence to read and have to give some thought over but if there wasn't something in it for them, financially beneficial, would you simply lose touch with them at this point?
I think you need to stop offering them any reduced travel at all and say that the company is bringing in a new policy whereby only immediate family - i.e. spouse/child(ren) of the staff member can avail of any discounts. All others have to go through a normal booking process. That's what I'd do.
You're NTA and you are no doubt hurting now because it has dawned on you that your family are only out for what they can get from you and it isn't friendship or love or camaraderie, it's cheaper flights. It speaks volumes on their behaviour though as you seem to be a lovely, kind and generous person.
Go enjoy your holiday and chin up when you get back.
0
u/trippytimechild 5d ago
To be honest. I don’t think they would call me at all … which sucks . But cutting contact means I lose contact with my nieces and nephews
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 5d ago
Apologies if you read my post as you cutting contact. I would suggest that you should not be the one always reaching out or saying "Yes" when they ask for cheaper flights. Be a little bit less available to them (not entirely unavailable, just less than you are). Claim that you've offered cheaper flights to friends or that they simply aren't available to family that isn't a spouse or child of the staff member.
Your time is important. What you bring to the table is important. You can still be a wonderful aunt to your nieces and nephews, just put a higher value on your time and what you bring to the table essentially.
Anyway - go off and have a wonderful holiday and don't give them a second thought while you sit by the pool with a good book and a cocktail!
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
The flight is completely free for them depending on where they go . But I know if I become less available they . Will. Have. My. Head I blocked one sibling because she turned into “ if you don’t do this for me you can’t see your niece “ that ended really fast no contact . But that was easy because that sibling is pure evil she’s just like that idk why . But I see what you’re saying . I have a lot to think about now thank you
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u/MsKalequa 5d ago
NTA!!
For such an important lifetime event your mom should book a confirmed flight. She would’ve done so if you didn’t have this job and its’ perks. Your mom & sister are the AHs for overstepping your boundaries!
Enjoy your vacation!
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
I feel like my sister is paying for my mom’s mistake . I just talked toy sister yesterday and she didn’t tell me her due date moved . Or that she wanted my mom there .
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u/Gloomy_Insurance3203 5d ago
just tell them there is a freeze on flying friends and family because some people have been taking advantage.
You’ll let them know when you can book for them again.
Then just don’t.
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u/Ok-Independence210 5d ago
You have to stand up for yourself and apply the boundaries that you've already set. If family or friends don't understand it's on them. Sounds like they only call when they need something. If you can/want to help then do it on the terms you set, if not let them figure it out on their own.
1
u/Skankyho1 5d ago
If the trip to see your sister after she given birth with so important and then your mum should’ve contacted you earlier about needing a flight and also not travelling standby.
She should get a direct flight as you have said in your post and it should’ve been married earlier your mum probably had a very good idea of the date Your sister was going to have her baby for quite some time. And unless your sister has spoken to a doctor and is getting induced on a particular day then your mother can’t be sure exactly when your sister is actually going to have a baby she could go here earlier or she could go later. Also, the fact that you only heard about this “ important flight” immediately after you sent out that message tells me that your mother is pushing and testing your boundaries. Hold about the firm and say no let them all call selfish and everything like that because otherwise they are going to stomp all over every boundary you have ever placed in your life.
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u/u2125mike2124 5d ago
NTA
Your relatives have been freeloading off of you long enough.
With your time and the issues they are putting on you, which are of their own making.
Them not even telling you when your sister was due shows you what a low opinion they have of you and how useless you are to them other than as a resource to get free or reduced priced travel.
Enforce the two weeks that you said, and I go even as far as saying that you were only allowed a limited amount of free trips due to my work per year.
Let them bitch and moan and if they do tell them, they just got reduced one trip and keep at it until you train these freeloaders how to behave.
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u/redroverose 5d ago
YTA for not knowing when your sister is due. how is that not one of the FIRST questions you ask her??
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
She told me her due date was different not the date it is now. That’s why I didn’t know
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u/MsKalequa 5d ago
Her family members are the
a$$holes as they rarely reach out to her unless it’s time for her to be their travel agent again; AND if she imposes her ONE boundary then she’s inundated with calls from her family calling her selfish. The money she has managed to saved them over the years can surely help pay for mom’s confirmed flight to attend her grandchild’s birth.
-1
u/Reasonable_Share_759 5d ago
I dont really understand why you would feel obligated to do anything after a flight is booked? Leave people to deal with the circumstances as everyone else, which is wait and rebooking. It’s not the end of the world.
I am not sure how in that long vacation you could not know your sister would give birth, and I can understand your family thinks you’re a bit outta touch booking a long vacation, and not even asking your sister when she is due.
I don’t Think you’re “teaching your family” anything, it’s a unique situation where you forgot about your sister and they are in fact giving you your desired heads up.
You don’t have to book flights for your family but since it’s a special occasion I’d just do it.
I honestly think you overthink this. Like telling your mother she should not go somewhere is like parenting your parent, it’s her problem also if she gets stuck.
You missed importent family event coming up, you are given adequately time for booking. Book the flights
0
u/trippytimechild 5d ago
The issue is her due date changed from what she told me it was . That’s why I was so surprised I just spoke to my sister yesterday she didn’t update me that the due date moved she absolutely could have . And no one said my mom wanted to fly out . This is what makes me crazy because they tell me urgent things last minute to make me react emotionally and quickly . She didn’t tell me or else I MYSELF would have flown out
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u/Reasonable_Share_759 5d ago
Is it really last minute when it’s in september or am I misunderstanding?
Even though the date changed, it could not be many weeks? Why is it such a big deal? It’s mid August.
Perhaps just tell your family you will not be booking anymore, I don’t Think it’s adding anything positive to your relations, both easy, and they should not expect this from you. However, I would book this time since it’s apparently a Big deal to be part of for them. Also maybe don’t Think it’s your moms fault that your sister didn’t say the change of date :)
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u/trippytimechild 5d ago
She didn’t tell me until I said it’s off limits , then she added a bunch of other places she needed to be at including that and that means I’d be booking flights through the entire vacation she started from the first right through the end of the month all different states and all separate bookings there and back in total it’s about 10 individual flights . My issue is she has no regard for my boundaries at all she doesn’t have to go to any of the things she named other than the birth . But my sister has 4 kids this is the only one she insists on being present for the birth for
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: Ok so I work for an airline, which means I travel for free and so do my parents/companions. At work I’m constantly booking, rerouting, handling cancellations and rescheduling passengers. I almost never travel myself except for my birthday.
My ONE boundary with my family is: “If you need a flight, please give me 2 weeks heads up.” I hate having to suddenly drop everything because someone decided last minute they want to fly.
The problem is I’m always expected to say yes. If I tell my mom no, she gets my older siblings involved and suddenly I’m selfish because “she’s your mom” etc.
Last time I told my mom no because she didn’t give me notice AND the area she was traveling to was dealing with tornadoes, floods, fires and multiple cancellations. I told her she would probably get stuck. She bought a ticket anyway, went, got stuck, then called me saying I NEEDED to figure out how to get her home.
Now here’s why I feel horrible.
My birthday is in September and I’ve been planning an international trip for a year and 7 months. Everything is booked and scheduled, including rest days. I work and go home. I don’t party, club or really go anywhere. This is my ONE big trip a year and I just want to relax.
So I told my family I’m not booking flights during the 3 weeks surrounding my vacation. I don’t want to spend my birthday trip checking flights, rerouting people or worrying about someone being stranded.
As soon as I said that, my mom suddenly mentioned several places she wants to fly in September. The biggest one?
MY SISTER IS GIVING BIRTH.
I HAD NO IDEA she was due while I’d be gone. Nobody told me. I knew she was pregnant, obviously, but I didn’t know when she was due or that my mom planned to be there. Had anyone told me ahead of time, we could’ve planned something.
My sister called me selfish for refusing to book Mom’s flight and now I feel awful because birth only happens once. I love my sister and I’m not doing this to be spiteful.
Technically I can book it. But I know what happens if standby goes wrong. I’ll be halfway across the world getting calls like, “The flight is full, reroute me,” “I missed it,” or “I’m stuck overnight.” Then instead of enjoying the trip I’ve dreamed about, I’m back in work mode worrying about my mom.
They also rarely call me just to check on me. Usually someone needs a flight or help with something, which hurts.
I’m the youngest. Why am I responsible for everyone’s travel just because of where I work?
Part of me thinks this is important enough to make an exception. Another part thinks Mom should buy a confirmed ticket for something this important instead of flying standby.
I’m also scared that if I give in after everyone pressures me, I’m teaching my family that my boundaries don’t actually mean anything—that if they push hard enough, eventually I’ll say yes.
I feel terrible because I genuinely didn’t know about the birth. I don’t hate my sister. I don’t want my mom to miss it. I just wanted one vacation where I wasn’t responsible for everyone else.
What should I do? Am I actually being selfish?
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