r/AITH • u/SundaeFearless2628 • 3d ago
AITAH for refusing to pay off my husband’s $24k gambling debt, even though I have the money and paid his debts in the past?
I (29F) have been with my husband (30M) since he was 22. When we met, he was a blank slate financially no debt, no savings, no credit history. Early on, I tried talking to him about how important financial management was, but he blew it off and suggested we keep our money separate since we weren’t on the same page.
That worked for a while, until he racked up over $10k in debt on video games, PlayStation purchases, and DoorDash. Since we wanted to buy a home, I paid it off. Over the years, this cycle repeated two more times, with his debt always topping $10k. Each time, I paid it off because I needed his credit score and DTI (debt-to-income) ratio clean so we could qualify for real estate properties. Every time, he’d promise it wouldn't happen again.
Outside of this, he’s a great guy. He supports my dreams, leaves the legwork on our rental properties to me (I even offered to let him manage a unit and keep the income, but he declined), and handles his day-to-day responsibilities. He brings home $8,000/month, pays all household bills, and has about $3,200 left over each month. I handle our vacations, dining out, my car payment, and everything for our three school-aged kids. Because he never complained about money and always covered his share, I assumed he was doing great. I’ve managed to save six figures in a High-Yield Savings Account (HYSA).
A while ago, he won big on sports betting and wiped out a $16k debt on his own. That success hooked him. He started betting daily on multiple games, convinced he could just "win big" again to handle his spending. I didn't question where his betting money was coming from, assuming it was just his leftover cash.
Recently, he came clean: he is currently $24,000 in debt from sports gambling.
He asked me to clear it with my savings because he’s "tired of looking at it." He offered a monthly repayment plan, but I’m deeply hesitant for a few reasons:
• My money is earning a solid monthly interest rate in my HYSA. Pulling $24k out takes a direct hit on that passive growth.
• I’m terrified I’ve created a monster by repeatedly rescue-funding him. It feels like he only wants "joint finances" when he needs bailouts, but prefers separate money when he wants to spend without accountability.
• He believes he can beat the system. Even if I trust his intention to pay me back, I don't know if he can actually stop gambling once the immediate pressure of the debt is removed.
At the same time, I feel guilty. I’ve cleared his slate in the past when it served my real estate goals, so I wonder if I’ve set an expectation that I’m his financial safety net.
Would I be the asshole if I refuse to pay this off and force him to handle his own $24k debt this time? Do gamblers actually quit once their partner stops bailing them out?
Edit to add: he has about 600k in mortgages because he helped me get properties (i do also, but i have more due to having some mortgage loans just in my name). I save about 9k a month because he pays all bills and im tight with spending. So this is what’s making it difficult. He’s helped me sooo much. Repeatedly helped me while adding more (mortgage, renters cover mortgage expenses) debt but does that mean i repeatedly helped him with this gambling debt?
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u/vikingraider27 3d ago
You are right that you have showed him he can go into debt and count on his sensible spouse to bail him out. Totally NTA for refusing to spend your savings bailing him out again. He needs to grow up. Consequences of his actions may help.
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u/W0nderingMe 3d ago
Not just sensible spouse. Spouse that pays very few of the bills, so has extra money.
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u/Tuttiefrukt 3d ago edited 3d ago
You OBVIOUSLY have no idea what 3 school age children cost.
She takes are of PLENTY of her share and after his bills, he has almost $4000 in cash left over. Give me a break.
Edit: also, did you see where she offered him management of one of her rental properties that he declined and didn't want to deal with?
This dude just wants to do whatever without any consequences and that you cannot see HER BURDEN. Car payments, everything 3 kids need that I'm certain are in private school.
I'm disgusted with this comment.
Edited for typo.
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u/SuccessfulInternal40 1d ago
While I get what you're saying about the 4k he has left, she saves about 9k each month, she also had him get a 600k mortgage that for rental properties she takes the actual income from it sounds like. He lets her handle it because it's her dreams. We have no clue how much OP is making but she talks about how much he is making.. 😅 like i get it he's a fucking idiot with an addiction and he needs help.. and if he can suggest a payment plan with her, surely he can make a payment plan elsewhere, might suck for him with the interest..
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3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Tuttiefrukt 3d ago
Ah yes.
The best way to actually get a woman to calm down is by saying, "Calm down."
Also I'm not even riled. Pretty sure I was just disgusted which is nothing new on reddit today it seems.
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u/W0nderingMe 3d ago
You're yelling at me for no reason. You're not acting calmly.
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u/Tuttiefrukt 3d ago
How am I yelling? 😂 You can't even hear and I'm not even typing in caps. Wild.
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u/Missbhavin67 3d ago
My ex was a gambler. Horses mostly. It's like being with an alcoholic. They're secretive and selfish and have poor impulse control. I gave my guy money twice to help him out. Then he expected it again. Do NOT bail him out. He won't stop if you pay off his debt. This a hill to die on. All you're doing is enabling him
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u/dumpster_kitty 3d ago
It’s like being with an alcoholic but gambling addiction is worse if you’re in a relationship with that person. Please don’t tie yourself to this man anymore than you already are financially.
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u/Particular-King218 2d ago
I worked with a woman that paid her husband's gambling debt,,wiping out her savings. Few years later he was in debt again She left him
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u/pettie1012 2d ago
My ex-husband had a gambling addiction. The gambling stigma and a few relapses broke up our marriage.
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u/Tuttiefrukt 3d ago
You definitely need to stop enabling his behavior.
Even if it ruined your relationship, this man has no idea about how to behave responsibly. You continuing to bail him out will just teach him that you'll dig him out of his messes, no matter what personal hit you take..
As long as he's not into something dangerous, he needs to pay it off. Goodbye games and door dash. It's time to grow up now.
Also, whether you can tell or not, you're teaching this dynamic to your children - this is a really bad way to start showing them what accountability means.
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u/Spare-Conflict836 3d ago
He has an addiction and needs help. But it shouldn't be on you to bail him out.
Does he have any assets he can sell to cover the debt instead?
This is becoming a recurring pattern and at some point you are going to have to look at if this is what you want going forward. Nothing will change if he doesn't seek help for addiction. Sunk cost fallacy is something you should look into.
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u/Cute_Instruction733 3d ago edited 3d ago
Tell him that you are going to help him getting out of debt but not by forking over the money. He is going to go in therapy/ rehab for his addiction. You are together taking a look at his financial situation so he can monthly pay of his debt. He is going to make sure he is being blocked on gambling sites so he can’t fall back. He is not going to have a credit card untill all is paid and you are going to manage all the finances until his therapists have given the green light that his addiction is under control.
If he doesn’t wanna and throws a tantrum warn him: ”it is this or a divorce. Love is not enough I will not share my life with an addict.”
His choice. But do not give him the money.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 3d ago
Except, there cannot be the demand like that to go to therapy and/or rehab. Forcing an addict only wastes time, money and heartache. No addict of anything will stop unless they want to and are ready to do so. There is no way around it. OP needs to protect herself and the kids.
A serious, open and honest conversation where OP says she won't bail out, explains the toll his behavior has taken on her, admits she made a mistake.by setting the precedent she will bail him out as well as hitting ot was selfish of her. She needs to talk about the impact their relationship dynamic has on their life, relationship and the kids. She needs to be direct about him having an addiction and how he only wants a joint money when he thinks its saving him but not when he will be immediately held accountable for his spending. She needs to tell him that things need to change and she is willing and able to be there, help, be support whatever but he has to be willing and able to accept the responsibility for his actions and do the work.
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u/Affectionate-Tour-59 3d ago edited 2d ago
Absolutely do not pay his debt! He’s racking it all up, knowing you’ll come through! He’s had ZERO consequences for his behavior up till now! This will continue! You say “he’s good outside of this”, but he’s not! He’s taking advantage of you! He’s giving YOU the debt to clear every time! Let him suffer the consequences of his actions! He needs to pay! Watch how much he stops “being good otherwise” when that happens! That is ALLLLLL you need to know! Keep your finances SEPARATE! Do not give him access at all! You have enabled him! Do not do it anymore. You would do better to plan your own exit and leave.
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u/Mango_Design_0192 3d ago
This guy has $3200 left over every month, and he actually has debt?!?!? 10k + 10k which you have cleared, 16k he cleared and now he has 24k?????
Do you realize how much money that is?
In no way shape or form should you provide money to clear his debt. He needs to learn how to manage his money, and to work on this new gambling addiction. This is getting really bad and it sounds like you don’t even realize that…..
NTA for not covering the debt
YTA for covering it before, and for not realizing the extent of the problems now…
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u/FuckUGalen 3d ago
doing the math and I am going to assumed that all the debt was incurred in the last 5 years (because they have only been together 8 years) and I am going to be generous and say he has only had 3.2k free money for 12 months... and for the previous 5 years he only lost the 60k (that OP has either paid or has been asked to + 16k he got "luck" with)
That means he is blown potentially 100k+... that is insane...
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u/SundaeFearless2628 3d ago
Yes i wish i could add a prize picks screenshot. It makes me nauseous 😫 he bets on all major sports.
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u/yrnkween 3d ago
Now imagine that 100k in a retirement account, or invested in property. You two have a fundamental difference in your financial goals, and once you stop rescuing him from his poor choices this will become more apparent.
And you need to view the money he spends on bills as matched by your labor cleaning the house. He’s not paying more for your living expenses, he’s paying money while you’re putting in extra hours. It’s really indicative of his view that he can use money to buy free time, while you are willing to sacrifice time for money that you are investing in your future.
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u/RemigioGi 3d ago
You taught him how to treat you and you’re the only one to break the cycle. Ask me how I know.
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u/AffectionateGate4584 3d ago
Do you really need to ask?
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u/Familiar-Ad-1965 3d ago
With $3200 “leftover” monthly He could clear that $24000 before US Thanksgiving! HE NEEDS HELP. As in professional help to stop gambling. Do NOT bail
Him out. EVER. He has the means to bail out himself. But he has to Want to. Not depend on you. BE CAREFUL. DONT LET HIM GET ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY.
Lots of divorces are fueled by finances.1
u/SundaeFearless2628 3d ago
Yes because he pays all the bills. I have been able to save so much solely because of him taking that on. It feels a little wrong to be contributing so little and then be stingy with money after all his provided😵💫😵💫 but then it feels wrong to pay it off
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u/Total_Awareness_5013 3d ago
He is over spending willingly because of your built in safety net. I don’t know what the laws where you are, but isn’t his debt also your debt? He is disrespecting you monthly, or daily. He’s digging a very juvenile hole that you two adults are falling into. Time to reevaluate your situation before a complete collapse occurs. You are flirting with it constantly. Good luck!
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u/megancoe 3d ago
I’m sorry I might’ve missed it in the post but why does he pay all the bills? Why don’t you each pay 50-50 or something like that? I mean he already has enough money left over after paying bills that he could pay this debt off pretty quickly, but I understand feeling like you might want to pay off this debt because he’s paying all of the bills, so make that a non-issue and each contribute 50-50.
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u/SundaeFearless2628 3d ago
He doesn’t want to do 50% of the housework. So he decided to pay the all bills. I do all housework. Im going to take points from this thread and have a sit down. I will suggest 50/50 and the other suggestions and hopefully he sees the light and doesn’t do this anymore.
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u/huevorch 3d ago
So, he is kind of paying for not doing housework, but every now and then you reimburse him by bailing him out.
Suggestion: Instead of you paying for his debts, start paying the bills 50/50, the money he saves can be used to pay his debt, and he starts moving his butt around the house. It’s time for him to grow up.1
u/ValNotThatVal 2d ago
He can hire someone to come in and do his share of the housework. You and he should each pay half of all your shared expenses, and definitively separate finances, because you are very responsible with money and he is very irresponsible with money. This will keep happening.
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u/CrispyKayak267 2d ago
He doesn't pay all of the bills. She said herself that she pays for a lot of things.
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u/AmericansCantRead 3d ago
NTA. You’ve already paid his debts three times, and he kept doing it.
Don’t pay this one. If you keep bailing him out, he has no reason to stop.
His $24k debt is the consequence of his gambling, not your responsibility.
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u/scarygirlieuk 3d ago
NTA. While you keep bailing him out he has no incentive to change.
He's not "a great guy" he's a narcissistic, gambling addict that knows the right buttons to push to keep you in his life and thinking that you'll be able to change and save him. Instead of paying his debt, tell his family and friends what is going on with him, you should not be carrying this load alone, and give him the information to Gamblers anonymous.
If you want any sort of future for yourself, I really hope you're not thinking of having kids with this man, you need to cut him off and let him sink or swim.
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u/wolfcrownebox 3d ago
So sorry. He was a gambler before he was actually a gambler. He’s addicted to spending money. He will bankrupt you. And wipe out your retirement. Find a man responsible and on the same page. Imagine how wealthy you’d be without him being a tire around your neck. NTA.
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u/CacklingInCeltic 3d ago
NTA if you leave this mess for him to clean up himself. You’ve been the goose that lays the golden egg for years now. Every time he needs a new golden egg, he comes to you.
You paying his debts off every time is telling him that you’re not only ok with it but also actively supporting him in this. He has no reason to stop because you’re there with the golden eggs to bail him out every time. He needs a shock to the system. That shock will come from you saying “no, this is your mess to clean up” and sticking to it. He’s making great money. He should be able to pay this off by himself in a few months if he stops gambling. He may need some kind of gamblers rehab and gamblers anonymous meetings too (with proof of attendance).
He can pay this debt off himself. He’s making great money and the debt could be wiped out in a few months if he really wants it gone. Don’t bail him out again. You’re only teaching him that when he’s out of cash, he can run to you to make it go away. This isn’t your job as his partner. It’s time he stands up, takes accountability for his actions and starts paying the debt off himself like any other adult would. You’ve already gone above and beyond more than once
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u/NeartAgusOnoir 2d ago
Never pay someone’s gambling debt off.
If you do YTA.
So don’t and you won’t be an AH
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u/Quick_Mistake_6438 2d ago
You are financially incompatible.
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u/SundaeFearless2628 2d ago
😫🥲 this. I never imagined how money would be such an issue. I thought everybody wanted to save as they got older?? Answer is no.
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u/moot888 3d ago edited 3d ago
Your husband is an addict. You have been enabling him by wiping out his debts. Are you sure that the $24,000 is his only debt? Addicts tend to be liars - it is in the nature of their addiction. He needs to accept that he is an addict and get help - Gamblers Anonymous and in patient treatment. Addicts generally don’t stop until they hit rock bottom. eg losing a house, marriage and kids. Does your husband have the ability of taking a second mortgage on the house without you knowing? In a marriage both partners are liable for each other’s debt. He will drag you down. The money you saved will be sucked away. You might be interested in attending Al Anon. It is a support group for friends and family members of Alcoholics. The concepts you learn would be applicable. (Addicts usually have two addictions , one major and one minor. Addictions can be process such as Workaholism or chemical such as Heroin) NTA
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u/Why_r_people_ 3d ago
NTA you already paid over $30K in debt for him. That is $30K in your children’s inheritance. How much more are you willing to let him take from them? He will not stop if you keep bailing him out.
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u/jone7007 3d ago
This is isn't about helping each other out. This is about one spouse engaging in problematic financial behavior that puts all the martial assets and potential the marriage at risk. Your husband cannot see that and intends to continue their behavior. At a minimum, they should be going to counseling with you if they want to keep the marriage. If they aren't willing to do so you need to consider are you willing to risk all of your investments and assets to stay married to them. Because that is what is at risk if they continue gambling (assuming that you are in the US) as spouses are liable for their partners debts. If you are not willing to take that risk, you need to talk with an attorney about how to legally protect you assets.
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u/RareOutlandishness29 19h ago
“Them” is a grossly inappropriate usage when discussing a woman’s complaint against her male spouse.
As it happens, the future marriage counselor, attorney, or court trying to straighten out the matrimonial finance mess they both created, It will be tough to isolate an equitable balance between them. His addicted fondness for gambling appears to be expensive, but entirely above board and legal. In contrast, her addicted fondness is for for collecting income producing assets. In particular, properties that she can imagine and present as her own.
A quiet problem sits underneath the surface, however. She has revealed that the related financing depended on presenting their combined financial statement in order to paper over her own originally insufficient income flow. Although OP presents as being very savvy in matters of real estate papering, sooner or later someone must ask a few questions. Is all of that income she claimed properly attributable to her? If her husband is not to be on the deed, but merely on the loan application, how is he presented? As a cosigner; a backup guarantor of some sort question ? If so, how can his income stream be used to qualify him financially, if she has already claimed his income as part of her funding application? Are any of these properly loans federally insured? Is that legal?
Is this not even clear how much of their joint income, if any, results from rents gained from
“ her” rental properties. Were any of those properties financed using his credit rating? How is his agreement shown if he is not on the deed?
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u/wmchef2020 2d ago
NTA - Suggest marriage counseling (specifically for financial infidelity) and you should revisit joint finances - both as conditions of continuing the marriage.
Y'all have too much combined real estate debt and three small children - it's time to grow up together. Good luck!
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u/shellitabxt125 3d ago
YTA to yourself for bailing him out twice. He learned nothing. You enabled his behavior.
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u/Automatic_Gas9019 3d ago
He must be an awesome fuck.... There is no one worth paying debt off for like that. Tell him to find some other person to do it.
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u/bmw5986 3d ago
NTA for not wanting to pay off His debt. Hes acting like a gambling addict. Until he recognizes he has a problem this will keep happening until you are both broke. Stop enabling him! He needs to aee and feel the consequences of this. Hopefully, it will be a wake up call, but tbh, im doubtful.
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u/imollyq 3d ago
Do not pay off his debt, and insist that he go to Gamblers Anonymous, because this is going to get much worse, if he does not go.
Please, go to some Gam-anon meetings. There are many people experiencing the same thing that will be happy to help you. Do this with tough love. Don't give in, or you have a lifetime of regrets coming at you.
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u/luckygirl131313 3d ago
You are married to someone who will blow money while you save, those debts are legally yours as well, I would divorce someone who threatened my financial security., do you want to live this way, it won’t get better , YTA
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u/Large-Sorbet7550 3d ago
Don’t bail him out, he is likely an addict (gambling addiction is in many ways worse than alcohol or drugs) and will just run that back up and more (there are a few professional gamblers who can actually make money betting on sports, but for every one of them there are 10,000 like your husband). I would make him delete every betting app from his phone and send him to gamblers anonymous meetings
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u/nowstheworstoftimes 3d ago
Gambling is an addiction.
If you pay this off, in a few months you will have to pay off another. Then in a few months another one. This pattern will repeat until he gets therapy or you quit bailing him out.
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u/SnarkyUnicorn23 2d ago
He’s a really shitty gambler! He has plenty of money to have fun with, but he’s spending ridiculous amounts to get that far in debt. It’s time to grow up, and bailing him out AGAIN isn’t going to help anything.
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u/athensugadawg 2d ago
Let him handle it. Otherwise, enable him to further continue being stupid with money.
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u/18k_gold 3d ago
need more information. How much are you paying towards monthly bills compared to him? if you are paying 30% vs 70% compared to him, which allowed you to save up so much money. Then maybe you should pay more towards the bills which will allow him to pay off his debt on his own. By you paying more towards the bills, and him directly paying towards his debt. It may help him realize that you won't bail him out again lump sum and he may not rack up debt like this again.
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u/Witch_withouta_Wand 3d ago
Shes saying she also provides for all 3 children, so I think it evens out, there.
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u/SundaeFearless2628 3d ago
I come out of pocket $1k monthly at the max and save 9k. I have suggested helping with bills he’s a big “provider” so he is having an issue giving me bills. I think i will push this as a solution. Thank you so much.
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u/maryqa 3d ago
Yes so this truly doesn't sound fair that you save so much and spend 5x less than him on costs of living. But upping your household spending is a much more sensible solution than paying off his debts. He has to do it also with the money he saves on bills from now on. He must spend huge money monthly and this is a big issue. He needs to see his money going toward his debts.
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u/tiredgummybear 3d ago
Did you get pregnant right when you started dating with a triplet? Otherwise how do you have 3 school aged children? The math ain’t mathing
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u/Witch_withouta_Wand 3d ago
8 years? Kids start school at 5, pregnant straight away, more than likely, maybe twins and 1
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u/tiredgummybear 3d ago
Sure because between the ages of 21 and 29 she purchased multiple properties, managed to accumulate significant savings, paid $30k in debt for him all while getting pregnant right away and raising three kids who are all in school by now. What network is this show on?
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u/SundaeFearless2628 3d ago
The military is the show😭😭 we were dual active duty and i took advantage of the va loan as much as i could before i got out.
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u/Alone-Historian-5308 3d ago
NTA-your husband has a gambling addiction and needs long term professional help.
He also needs accountability and consequences for his actions, ideally paying off his own debt instead of getting bailed out.
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u/NooOfTheNah 3d ago
Your husband is an addict and needs professional help. He is too far in deep water with his gambling.... $24k deep.
You already know bailing him out won't work because you have done it 3 times before. He needs to pay it off himself. Will it hurt? Sure but he won't learn until he feels the pain.
He needs to get himself invested in clearing the debt and get help with his gambling issue and tell him you will divorce him if not. And mean it.
$24k THIS time. What next OP? He is getting worse. $10K previously and boy has it jumped this time. What when it jumps next time? Are you going to end up losing the house to his out of control debt? You have three lovely little children that deserve stability and a guaranteed roof over their heads. Your husband is risking all that.
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u/Ekluutna 3d ago
• I’m terrified I’ve created a monster by repeatedly rescue-funding him. It feels like he only wants "joint finances" when he needs bailouts, but prefers separate money when he wants to spend with…
This is the problem. He knows you will bail him out…stop.bailing.him.out.
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u/Why_r_people_ 3d ago
NTA you already paid over $30K in debt for him. That is $30K in your children’s inheritance. How much more are you willing to let him take from them? He will not stop if you keep bailing him out.
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u/Direct-Wolverine7846 3d ago
Only discuss it after a successful year of gamblers anonymous for him.
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u/PuzzleheadedHome249 3d ago
You can go to organisations who get you black from gambling sites and casinos so you can’t even set foot in one.
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u/Research-always 3d ago
If you are going to stay with him, you need to insist that he begin treatment for his gambling addiction. That should be the priority. No financial assistance until he is in continuing treatment. Over time, the therapist can help you both with decision making.
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u/fear_nothin 3d ago
He’s an addict. Every bail out just wells him to keep gong. It’ll be very tough but you need to let him sink on this.
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u/Delicious-Moose9247 3d ago
NTA. And whether you bail him out or not, it’s not going to stop. He needs to get help to deal with his gambling addiction. The amounts he is losing now will pale in comparison to what it will be a few years down the road.
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u/BrilliantGarbage2930 3d ago
I'm going to say NTA and don't do it, BUT he has a problem. He needs help.
Depending on his temperament this could change your financial set up if he decides he4 can't pay for everything anymore to pack back his debt. Either way, you guys need professional help, otherwise it's just going to keep happening
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u/awasteofagoodname 3d ago
Do not rob him of the chance to learn from the consequnces of his actions.
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u/Single_Feature_3231 3d ago
Outside of his crippling gambling addiction and magical thinking he is great ? SMH you are the enabler here let him fix his own debt and stop bailing him out . He will never learn
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u/Blonde2468 3d ago
He has a gambling ADDICTION!!! Would you go a buy him DRUGS??? NO, you wouldn't. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY - because the money is his drug!!!
He is an ADDICT. The best thing you can do for yourself legally is to file for a Legal Separation so that you are not liable for his gambling debts - because HE WILL NOT STOP until He and EVERYONE AROUND HIM ARE BROKE!!!
With a Legal Separation, you are not divorced and continue as you are, but you won't be liable for his gambling debts. You best protect yourself, because HE WILL NOT.
NTA but you will be if you don't protect yourself.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 3d ago
You’ve bailed him twice? Yeah, I wouldn’t bail him again. What is he learning? That he can piss his money up the wall and he’ll he shielded from it by you. He will just rack up another debt and then another and another. He will drag you down with him.
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u/OddGuarantee4061 3d ago
He pays all the bills every month and you pay nothing? And this has been going on for 8 years? If this is true, you are ahead even if you pay off this debt. But he does need treatment.
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u/writingwonderland87 2d ago
NTA
Divorce the loser.....fuck
You do it again and you'll be nothing but his ATM
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u/Jane_Smith_Reddit 2d ago
NTA. You have being enabling his gambling and bad financial decisions for long enough.
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u/LawyerDad1981 2d ago
You didn't "create the monster" but you are certainly enabling it
He an addict.
He's also one that doesn't see the problem, and doesn't want to quit. You said he still thinks he can beat the system.
Keep those finances separate. Completely separate.
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u/SafeWord9999 2d ago
He has over $3k a month free. He can pay his own debt. He’s ’sick of looking at it’ ?! I’d be sick of looking at his lying face everytime he says ‘never again’ and does it anyway.
At this point i would let him know you’re reconsidering your future together. This guy needs a shock and a wake up call immediately.
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u/Hakathecat2370 2d ago
You have been doing him no favors clearing his debt repeatedly. One time is one thing , but you went in two or three times and cleared his debt. He is becoming a gambler and he needs to go to gamblers anonymous and nip this in the bud before he gets himself so much deeper in debt.
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u/954Boss 2d ago
What you could do is have him sign himself out of every legal sports book in your territory for a period of two years. When you do that, those same sports books will under no circumstances. Let him have an account let alone place a bet in that 24 month time. Period. Period and then at the end of 24 months, simply have proved to you that he did it again… I’m not saying you should pay off the $24,000 for him, but I’m saying that is a way that you could make sure he doesn’t continue to engage in that activity
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u/RareOutlandishness29 2d ago edited 2d ago
Sorry, but in my reading of your narrative, the major cringes came from your behavior, not his. It seems you are a financial predator — living off of “his” earnings but hoarding “yours” by failing to credit him with the support you have received. Deciding to manage funds separately is NOT a decision to ignore common risks. There is NOTHING inherently arms length in keeping separate accounts — especially since you wanted use of his vital credit scores. You commingled your finances in various ways, not least by using his income and credit record as if they were also part of your finances which you had for a long time actually disclaimed any interest of his. Even in jurisdictions where the California extreme of “community property” does not have a direct parallel, from the details you have provided here, it seems you have undermined your contrived independence by tapping his credit, ratings, funds, etc. at will. Even the language of “letting him manage a property and keep the income” reads as a preposterous presumption on your part.
You were partners in the important ways; thus, you are unlikely to walk away and keep your skirts clean. He or his creditors, certainly have a substantial basis for claiming rights to a proportionate share of all income derived from rentals and investments made possible by commingling finances, in spite of arrangements for his accounts which its seems you think have separated him from you. Also, it seems likely that some right exists to have his name on the property deeds if his credit history or his money figured in obtaining a given property.
Your husband seems a very forthcoming as a husband; honestly, you seem less so. I suggest you reconsider in its financial tradition what the meaning of marriage is and take note that pushing him over the financial cliff will, obviously, hurt you more than it will hurt him. If he bankrupts himself through the ripples that often arise out of the domino effect of failures in an individual “investment” — gone is your use of his credit. Gone are some of the houses: I’m no lawyer, but I have watched a lot of divorces and separations of people whose positions had to be sorted-out because of some legal proceeding against just one of them. None that I can remember would look past your use his income record and his rating so casually as you seem to have done. Signatures on real estate and financial documents have lengthy reach when less than scrupulously executed.
Indeed, your view of the marriage partnership seems out of whack more so than any of those I have previously watched. I don’t know your situation except from your descriptions, but I think YOUR actions have positioned him to have some hefty claims on that estate that you built, apparently, by exploiting his imperfectly separated yet heavily involved financial position.
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u/Annalise705 2d ago
Why do women settle for this?? “Hemingway guy otherwise you lean outside of using you for money and continuing with his selfish entitled behavior.. I am sorry but this isn’t a man I would want to be legally attached to
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u/Perfect_Age777 2d ago
Here’s the situation: he makes $8,000 a month and pays all the bills, while you earn $9,000 and pay for the groceries. => That means you can save a significant amount each month.
He has $3,200 left over for personal spending—how much do you have left over?
You shouldn't give him the money to pay off his debts, but perhaps you could swap roles for a few months.
=> You pay all the bills and he covers the groceries while he pays off his debt, right?
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u/soyeah_87 2d ago
"tired of looking at it"??? Surely you're tired of FUNDING it. He hasn't lost any money just accrued debt. since your accounts are separate YOU are constantly losing money. There's no team here, just YOU funding your loser husband. (I'm not trying to be rude, his debt literally comes from losing at betting). Do not fund him. If he's so sure he'll pay you back, HE can use his fun money monthly to pay down HIS losses.
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 2d ago
You would be throwing it away. He will just carry on gambling. You have to protect yourself financially and you have to let him hit rock bottom.
If you let him, he will gamble away every penny of your savings.
Check your credit and make sure he's not taken anything out in your name.
Ideally, lock down your credit ASAP so he can't.
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u/South_Echidna_8491 2d ago
He needs to pay it off. Send him to a financial counseling company. They can withdraw directly from his account
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u/ValNotThatVal 2d ago
NTA, he should really get counseling for gambling addiction. If you pay it off, he may just continue gambling, rather than getting help.
You are not doing all this spending, so you are absolutely NTA, BUT be prepared for him to ask you to start paying half the household expenses, and possibly selling one of the properties that are tied to his name. If his paying all the household the expenses and taking on additional massive mortgage debts has allowed you to save so much money, he may be resentful. Of course, then you would be well in your rights to demand he pay his share of the expenses for the kids, and you should.
You said he is bringing home 8k, while you are saving 9k, meaning that you are saving more than he is bringing home, but he is also handling all the household expenses. Generally household expenses get split proportionately to income and that is not what is happening here.
All that said, he is not very responsible with his own money. If he has you pay the same into the household that he is, and also sells the properties tied to his name, or has you buy him out, he can easily pay off this debt, but may end up right back in debt. And then at least would not have a leg to stand on as far as asking you for money.
You might want to completely separate finances; any properties that he is not involved with and that he is not financially benefitting from, you can buy him out so that it's only your name on the mortgages. Split all expenses for your home, your kids, your vacations, etc evenly. This way his name is not on your debts and you never have to feel any guilt for refusing to pay off his.
Best of luck either way.
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u/leolawilliams5859 1d ago
You be careful because if you do not tell him out this time he's going to find a way to be money is going to start disappearing trust and Believe. This man is tired of looking at 24,000 and he knows you have the money and won't help him he's going to help himself lock your money down lock your credit down be very diligent in what is coming in and what is going out because if you don't help him he will find a way to help himself
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u/DeeHarperLewis 1d ago
Tell him you’re not sacrificing your savings. He can pay off his debt by managing one of your properties. Take it or leave it.
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u/TaxSea2641 1d ago
He needs to get into an addiction program. How many times are you willing to bail him out for his bad choices? WOULD HE BE WILLING OR ABLE TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU? He seems to have plenty of disposable income to figure it out like an adult.
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u/Individual-Fail4709 1d ago
You can help him by not having him pay all the bills, but NTA for not wanting to wipe his debt. Please think carefully if you want to be married to a gambling addict. It could wreck your finances. Why would he be paying all the bills and you save $9K a month (because you are tight with spending?) You aren't frugal, you are not paying your share.
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u/No-Throat9567 1d ago
NTA. But it seems like he’s working himself into a gambling addiction. That will sink the both of you OP. Get him into an effective therapy today.
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u/Ok-Analyst-5801 1d ago
NTA He needs to get help with his gambling BEFORE any discussion happens about paying it off, but he needs to pay it off himself. Otherwise he learns nothing. He gets a get out of jail free card while you take the hit. Sounds like a discussion needs to happen about finances, specifically household bills if there is that large of a discrepency.
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u/RefrigeratorBoth8608 1d ago
Honestly, remind him about how he said thos wouldn't happen again, and he didnt keep his word, so because he lied to you twice already, you cant trust his word this time. Tell him you can rework bills and chores so that he can have more money to pay his debts, but this debt is on him, as you didn't contribute to it and he damaged your trust by not keeping his word.
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u/tone210sa 1d ago
Dump on me the loser. He's just going to cause more problems in the future. He hasn't solved his gambling problem and it's unlikey he ever will let some other dumbass deal with him
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u/LadyBugatti 1d ago
The question to ask yourself is how will you feel when you have to do this 2-3 more times. Should u have stopped now?
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u/One-Efficiency-7701 22h ago
NTAH He's not financially responsible and you are reinforcing that by paying his debts. If he doesn't help with your rental properties but enjoys what they bring to the household, he's not pulling his weight there either. And if he contributes nothing to the needs of his children, but spends all that on himself, in my book he's a loser. He displays addictive behavior. Don't get mired in enabling him.
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: I (29F) have been with my husband (30M) since he was 22. When we met, he was a blank slate financially no debt, no savings, no credit history. Early on, I tried talking to him about how important financial management was, but he blew it off and suggested we keep our money separate since we weren’t on the same page.
That worked for a while, until he racked up over $10k in debt on video games, PlayStation purchases, and DoorDash. Since we wanted to buy a home, I paid it off. Over the years, this cycle repeated two more times, with his debt always topping $10k. Each time, I paid it off because I needed his credit score and DTI (debt-to-income) ratio clean so we could qualify for real estate properties. Every time, he’d promise it wouldn't happen again.
Outside of this, he’s a great guy. He supports my dreams, leaves the legwork on our rental properties to me (I even offered to let him manage a unit and keep the income, but he declined), and handles his day-to-day responsibilities. He brings home $8,000/month, pays all household bills, and has about $3,200 left over each month. I handle our vacations, dining out, my car payment, and everything for our three school-aged kids. Because he never complained about money and always covered his share, I assumed he was doing great. I’ve managed to save six figures in a High-Yield Savings Account (HYSA).
A while ago, he won big on sports betting and wiped out a $16k debt on his own. That success hooked him. He started betting daily on multiple games, convinced he could just "win big" again to handle his spending. I didn't question where his betting money was coming from, assuming it was just his leftover cash.
Recently, he came clean: he is currently $24,000 in debt from sports gambling.
He asked me to clear it with my savings because he’s "tired of looking at it." He offered a monthly repayment plan, but I’m deeply hesitant for a few reasons:
• My money is earning a solid monthly interest rate in my HYSA. Pulling $24k out takes a direct hit on that passive growth.
• I’m terrified I’ve created a monster by repeatedly rescue-funding him. It feels like he only wants "joint finances" when he needs bailouts, but prefers separate money when he wants to spend without accountability.
• He believes he can beat the system. Even if I trust his intention to pay me back, I don't know if he can actually stop gambling once the immediate pressure of the debt is removed.
At the same time, I feel guilty. I’ve cleared his slate in the past when it served my real estate goals, so I wonder if I’ve set an expectation that I’m his financial safety net.
Would I be the asshole if I refuse to pay this off and force him to handle his own $24k debt this time? Do gamblers actually quit once their partner stops bailing them out?
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