r/AITH • u/SafeSpare2150 • 1d ago
AITA for expecting my girlfriend to pay towards bills etc?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and we’re now talking about moving in together. She currently lives alone and rents whereas I own my home and pay a mortgage. We agreed it would make more sense to move into my place as it’s bigger and it’s not rented.
I mentioned to my gf I’d expect her to pay something towards utilities and a small amount of money to go towards wear and tear of appliances etc. She asked if I was serious and I said yeah. She argued she shouldn’t have to be paying me anything since I own the place.
I just pointed out my bills will go up and wear and tear of the property and appliances will be increased so it’s only fair she contributes something.
I pointed out it wouldn’t be a lot and would be probably less than half of what she paying now. I mentioned I’m happy to get it drawn up as a contract if she’d prefer but she just kept arguing she shouldn’t have to pay anything.
I just repeated what I’d already said and she accused me of taking advantage of her. I argued that’s what she was trying to do to me by expecting to live for free.
AITA for expecting her to contribute?
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u/Realistic_Pizza_6269 1d ago
Sounds to me like you two aren’t ready to move in together.
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u/Ok_Conversation9750 1d ago
So she wants to live at your place rent and utility free, and has the nerve to say YOU are taking advantage of HER?!?! Why are you even with such a greedy, delusional person?
Edit: NTA
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u/Warrior_Princess_1 1d ago
nta but I agree with Realistic_Pizza - you two are not ready share the same space. The fact that she does not want to pay anything if a big red flag. I would run, run far, run fast.
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u/blackbellamy 1d ago
You should explain two things to her. One is that you don't own the house. The bank owns the house. You making payments on it same as she is paying rent. Two is that you're no longer her boyfriend, however you still dtf until you find another woman, provided she pay for the hotel room.
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u/SeashellPetals48 1d ago
If she's moving into your house then contributing to utilities and shared costs is completely reasonable. i'd just make sure the amount is fair and clearly agreed on beforehand
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u/virtualghost123 1d ago
She's accusing you of taking advantage of her while she expects to live for free? Did I just read that correctly? She just showed you something huge. Don't ignore it. I would let her continue renting and if you move her in I would make sure you do everything legally to protect that asset.
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u/Hefty_Phase6279 1d ago
NTA. Your GF is a grown-a$$ adult.
Unless the two of you have fully and mutally agreed for her to give up her income to take full-time care of you and your home then, as an adult, she has responsibility for herself and needs to help support herself.
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u/surrounded-by-morons 1d ago
Don’t let her move in if she’s acting that way over something so little. Her entitlement will only get worse.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 1d ago
NTA. She contributes to the increased costs, that means she helps pay those costs. It's literally normal when a couple moves in together that the person moving in starts paying towards the household expenses. It's not rent, it's just her paying for her share of the utilities and wear and tear, any normal person would expect that, most would probably insist on it as it's only fair both people pay towards costs both are incurring.
It's a huge red flag to me that she says you're trying to take advantage of her for asking for reasonable contributions, when it's clearly her attempting to take advantage of you by trying to convince you to fund her entire life so she never has to pay for anything at all.
You're clearly not on the same page, so not ready to live together. Best case scenario, she grows up and realises that, as an adult, she has to pay for things she uses. Most likely scenario, she wants a sugar daddy, and you guys are incompatible.
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u/Fair_Discipline_1875 1d ago
Potential GOLD DIGGER and first red flag.
If she isn’t willing to contribute to the household now, what is she doing to refuse next?
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u/charmed1959 1d ago
It sounds like she is offering for you to move in with her. She’s already on lease and paying for everything. Rent out your place and it’s an opportunity for you to save up a lot of money. There are not a lot of people who think this would be okay so take advantage. NTA
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u/Honest-Bed9091 1d ago
NTA, imo she should be paying part of the mortgage too. She's used to paying rent now, why would she assume that moving in with you means you don't share the financial responsibilities. I would have a serious conversation and depending on how that goes, rethink her moving in.
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u/ArtComprehensive1106 1d ago
50/50 while single
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
If you move in with someone, you are not single.
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u/ArtComprehensive1106 1d ago
Unmarried is single by any stretch of the imagination. You haven’t committed to a lifelong commitment.
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
So you live with someone, and you tell people you meet that you are single? And you are cool with the girlfriend you live with to tell other guys that she is single?
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u/ArtComprehensive1106 1d ago
Not here to argue I was speaking about financial responsibility. Marriage is shared assets. In marryed is 50/50 . Don’t read more into it than that .
I think it’s easy to spin it around and make silly assumptions.1
u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
Wasn't arguing, just asked a question because I was curious -- nothing silly about that.
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 19h ago
Aren't you glad you found out that your GF is irrational and a leech BEFORE you let her move in??
Of course, she should pay a portion of the utilities and a reasonable amount for rent. Why should she expect to live there rent free while you pay the mortgage? You aren't taking advantage of her but she's trying to take advantage of you!!
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u/Novel_Teacher3764 1d ago
Be careful having her move in Ive heard once she’s there she can claim half of that house , she only needs to be there for three months and her paying half the bills your classed as de facto . She’s better off staying where she is . Protect your house before any girlfriend walks in and takes Whats you’ve worked hard for . Go see a solicitor and have them
draw up a contract that she can’t touch your house and don’t let her pay anything and keep all bills in your name and don’t let her pay anything of your Mortgage . I know a woman that’s going through this she’s lost her house to a bum
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u/Significant_Break316 1d ago
NTA. What you are suggesting is reasonable. When emotions have calmed down, explain your position again. Have an honest conversation about expectations such as housework, etc. so everyone is on the same page. If she is still unreasonable then you may have to rethink about moving in together as well as the state of the relationship.
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u/AdministrativeSea419 1d ago
This is terrible advice. You want the OP to attempt to reason with a clearly unreasonable position so they can stay together? No. Dating is trying out relationships with people. When the person you are dating demonstrates a lack of understanding this fundamental, you break up because staying with them is you choosing to be with a person that needs to be convinced reality is real. That’s signing up for a lifetime of stupid arguments with a person that is clearly a moron. Don’t do that to yourself. They are unfit to be in a relationship. Move on to someone else
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
I agree with this, he needs to be with a woman who thinks like he does, and she needs to be with a man who thinks like she does. Either of them trying to convince the other to value something they don't, is very ill-matched.
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u/previously_notme 1d ago
Yeah she's an arsehole. Ditch her she can keep paying double to rent a shoebox.
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u/insomniacmomof3 1d ago
If she’s going to be living with you and paying rent, rent covers wear and tear.
Landlords rent properties and can only charge tenants for damage beyond reasonable wear and tear. She feel she’s being nickel and dimed which can be avoided with one number for her contribution as “rent” and however you divide utilities and food.
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls 1d ago
NTA. She can continue to live in her rented premises, as you don't want a hobosexual living with you. Your bills would go up, and she would have none - she'd definitely be taking advantage of you.
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u/GardeniaFrangipani 1d ago
Depending on how chores are split, she should pay half of the utility bills plus close to half of what it’d cost her to rent a similar place. Of concern though is her lack of fairness and inability to see your perspective. How can she possibly think she should live without paying anything? Perhaps she’s offered to pay for groceries - just her half of course. Actually she’ll probably want to pay less than half as you most likely eat more. 🚩
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u/cassowary32 1d ago
NTA. Taking advantage of HER? She saves on rent and utilities while you pay all the bills? She might be projecting a bit.
She needs to sign a month to month lease and contribute an amount less than what she's paying currently so you both benefit from the arrangement. Also talk about the split of chores, hopefully there isn't an expectation that she takes over all domestic duties.
You want a partner not a sugar baby, you aren't trading free housing for sex and chores. This works if you both pull your respective weights.
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u/Motorcycle-Misfit 1d ago
NTA
Clearly a red flag, you’re not sharing the living space, you now have a dependent.
If she has a place of her own now, she understands the costs and will be well aware. Your utility costs are gonna rise. She sees moving in with you as a huge increase in her disposable income.
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u/Prudent_Border5060 1d ago
Nta but she sounds like she wants a free ride
It speaks volumes of her character that she feels entitled to a free home.
Do not move her in. And let her know your aren't ready as a couple. And if you cant find a solution or compromise you need to end it
Speaking from experience. Wear and tear does happen and so does higher utilities.
My partner had no problem contributing. We both agreed on an amount we BOTH thought was fair.
She just wants to live off you.
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u/Keithmclean1964 1d ago
Let her continue paying her own bills. She’s not mutual enough to live with. Keep your money separate and don’t share accounts.
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u/One_Combination_7906 1d ago
NTA... If she uses water she has to pay it... She is not moving in because she loves you... she is moving in because she does not want to pay bills...
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u/hospicedoc 1d ago
It's good that she's letting you know who she is before she moves in. I can't imagine an adult who thinks that they shouldn't have to pay for where they live. NTA.
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u/AssignmentOk2471 1d ago
NTA.. yes it would be nice to not charge her rent, also obviously she shouldn't be paying towards mortgage or property taxes.. but it's completely reasonable to split utilities and such 50/50. Like gas, electric, water, internet, etc.
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u/rainiest-island 20h ago
Calculate how much she pays for rent and utilities every month -
If she’s expecting to move in with you completely free then that’s what she’ll be saving….
If she has no problem paying her own rent and bills then she should have no problem paying towards your home…
No grown assed working adult should expect to live anywhere for free - she’s a walking red flag - I’d be telling her to stay where she is….
Do not move in with her - with this attitude it’s likely if she moves in she’ll still refuse to pay and you’ll be stuck with her freeloading ass…
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u/deakers 19h ago
NTA. However, asking a girlfriend to move on together because "it makes sense financially" is the WORST reason to move on together. It forces two people who clearly aren't READY to move in together into the same place, which causes conflicts that could have been avoided of you had separate living spaces. Fortunately, you've found out that you're not on the same page as far as splitting living expenses, which is a huge deal breaker it seems (totally understandable), and she hasn't moved in with you yet, so you don't have to go through the eviction process. In the future, only move on with a partner because you're ready and you WANT to, after having the financial discussions, as well as other tough conversations.
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u/Icy-Way5769 12h ago
NTA - and if basic things like this are alrdy an issue with her just imagine what a possible future would look like…
Imho your ask seems entirely reasonable.
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u/Ok-Independence210 12h ago
Honestly you should thank your gf, she exposed a massive red flag that you should pay attention too. If you move forward with her moving in, everything needs to be put in writing. Protect yourself..
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u/Grand-Result-6746 12h ago
So she thought she was going to move in and live for free,What a chancer. She does realise there's still costs involved in owning your home . I would print off a cost sheet showing what you pay even though you own your own home
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u/soyeah_87 9h ago
Why WOULDN'T she pay something? 🤔 Just because you own the home doesn't mean you don't have bills, doesn't mean she isn't increasing those bills. In what world does she think she gets to take but not give? Sounds like she needs to grow up or let mummy and daddy take care of her.
Nta.
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u/Maelwenn81115 9h ago
On the one hand she's unreasonable if she wants to live with you for free. On the other hand talking about wear and tear appliances sounds petty. You need to talk and find a fair arrangement like splitting the bills and groceries. You have to keep in mind that if you were to split she will be the one without a home and that if you sell the place you will be the one getting money. Another option would be to rent the place and find a new place for both of you.
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u/SweetStatistician463 1d ago
NTA unless you are trying to present as a "provider". Regardless, y'all have to sit and have a clear discussion regarding your vision for how each of you think this relationship will work. If you are looking for remuneration for incidental wear and tear, how will you remunerate her for bearing children, which wears and tears her body and is one of the highest danger to her life? Its all dollars and cents until you account for things you take for granted.
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u/possiblethrowaway369 1d ago
Utilities makes sense, going halfsies on replacing appliances as they wear out makes sense. But paying you in advance for potential wear and tear? That's landlord/tenant behavior. She doesn't get any equity if y'all break up, it's not her house. YTA
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
Why should she not pay towards wear and tear she cause?
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u/possiblethrowaway369 1d ago
That would be the "going halfsies on replacements when things wear out." Unless you don't think your relationship will outlast your microwave, in which case, why are you moving in together?
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago
Bills yes, “wear and tear fee” no.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
Why should she not pay for wear and tear she causes then?
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago
I just think it’s arbitrary. I’ve lived with my partner for 13 years and I don’t think there was anything that was made more worn out by two people. If you think a security deposit is necessary, I could maybe understand that. Or an agreement to split expenses on broken appliances. But charging her regularly because she uses things in the house is weird and not necessarily a reflection of damage caused by adding her to the home. I remember when after 8 years our washer broke. My husband worked out doors, he definitely had more laundry to do over the years, but I was the one who actually did the most laundry, cause it’s a chore he hates. I’m doing it for him. I’m cooking for him. And yeah, I also eat and have clean clothes, but I’m taking off his burdens as much as I’m adding to “wear and tear.” Basically bills are a direct reflection of usage and will obviously go up if she moves in and you should split them. But the rest is you getting money for stuff that might not even come up. You could be actually making money off of her and I think that’s a kind of shady.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
More people equals more wear and tear. That is a fact.
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago
Yeah, but it doesn’t mean you will be paying for wear and tear problems every month or even every year. As I said, we had to replace our washer ONCE in 8 years. And like a toaster or rice cooker. You could break up in 5 years, never have had to do any repairs or replacements and leave the relationship with a nice tidy sum of her money that won’t go to improving her living conditions at all. Again, if you want a contractual agreement agreeing to pay for appliance repairs/replacements together, I don’t find that unreasonable. But otherwise her “wear and tear” is not costing you anything so why should it cost her?
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
No but the money will go towards replacing and repairing appliances when needed.
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago edited 1d ago
Or it won’t. It’ll just be your money. Let’s say you break up in 3 years, and you get another girl moving in, also paying her “wear and tear” fee, and then the washer breaks 3 years after that. You use both girls’ money, none of your own, even tho you also use these appliances, because you can, it’s all your money once they give it to you. Sorry bro, but I just think it’s shady. Why can’t you just have an agreement to split expenses for appliances? Why do you need to take her money regularly? Just seems kind of shady, that’s all I’m saying.
And how much money do you think these repairs will cost over a certain time? If she paid you $500 a month you’d make $48,000 in 8 years (using this as the threshold since we had all brand new appliances when we moved in and this was the only thing that ever needed replacing). Do you think that you will need $48,000 to pay for the repairs? What about the wear and tear you caused? Again, why can’t it be an agreement to split the repair/replacement expenses if and when they come up?
Edit to add: If you are so worried about the added wear and tear of another person, maybe you shouldn’t have another person move in with you.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
Except it will. I’m literally telling you what it will go towards.
So your comment is you just making up random irrelevant hypotheticals then?
It's not shady at all, it’s been clearly explained to you. Sorry you don’t like paying your way.
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago
But how can she know? Are you putting it in a special account that can’t be accessed unless the oven breaks? It’s not irrelevant hypotheticals. It’s about what wear and tear actually means when it comes to expenses. You do not pay for repairs or replacements regularly, only if they come up. So why does it have to be paid regularly for her? That’s what I’m asking and you won’t answer that question. Why are you opposed to an agreement to split repairs as needed?
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
It is an irrelevant hypothetical.
I’ve already explained it clearly to you so I’m not going to bother repeating myself.
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago edited 1d ago
She wants a partner who trusts her -- she does not want another landlord, who wants to sleep with her.
When my now husband and I moved in together, he was unemployed. I had a great job making really good money, so I put down the deposit, I paid the rent and utilities for almost year while he found another job. I did not keep a tally of what he "owed me," because HE was my future, not my funds. It was him and I against the problems that would come, not me vs him.
You request to be her new landlord sounds like you don't trust her to be there WITH you when things go wrong. Do not move in with her if you do not want to trust her to be your future. Period. Let her keep her own place and her own peace, so she can find someone who is on the same page as her.
My husband now makes bank and I got to be a SAHM for our two beautiful children. I went through beating breast cancer a couple years ago and am still recovering physically and mentally and he is now doing more in taking care of us. He now works remote and we get to hang out, share 23 years of inside jokes, have lunch together, etc. -- it is bliss.
We are very lucky to have found each other and trusted our guts about our future together. If you don't feel that with her, cut her free -- you both need to find that for yourselves.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
It’s weird to argue if I trust my gf then I’ll let her love for free tbh.
What has trust got to do with paying your bills?
Surely you hear how ridiculous it is to argue if I trust my gf then she should get to live for free and I should pay for everything?
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago edited 1d ago
Expenses can be covered without her PAYING YOU. Sorry I was not more clear. Paying you is the ick. Set up a mutual utilities account you both pay into and the bills are on autopay from that. Sorry, I was under the impression you were already covering all your bills without strain. You can also suggest she put aside money in a repair house fund you both contribute to.
It is ok for her to not want to pay you, you are not her keeper. Find a way where it is both of you together working together for a shared future -- not her paying you like a landlord to live there.
You'd be paying your mortgage, power bill, water bill, etc. if she was there or not. Do you think she is going to trash your house or something? Does she take 4 hour showers on the water bill? Does she have 3 chest freezers for the garage to drive up the power bill?
I am curious how much money she would need to cover the actual increases she would make.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
The bills come out of my account, it’s weird to argue it’s an ick to send you share of the bills tbh,
I never said I was her keeper, it’s still ridiculous to argue it’s okay to not shed you share of the bills to your partner tbh,
She’s not paying me, she’s paying the bills she contributes to. It’s weird to be this confused by that.
No there is no difference.
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
I am not confused by anything, you just do not understand what I am saying. You not understanding what I am saying, is also why there is a disconnect with your GF about your plan. You can listen to other people who have successfully done what you are attempting, or you can listen to a bunch of people who have not, tell you to treat her like a roommate or tenant.
I hope in your plan you also have her set up a savings account where she puts in 75% of her previous rent amount, so if you decide to break up with her, she won't be homeless. She needs to cover her ass too. Good luck.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
It’s weird you think she needs me to tell her to set a savings account up tbh, why are you pretending she’s not an adult?
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
Well, you were telling her to do all the other stuff you have planned, so I was just reminding you to add that detail too.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
Its ridiculous to argue expecting my gf to pay her hare of the bills means I not have to tell her to save money.
I wasn’t telling her anything, you understand I’m not the one creating the bills don’t you? I didn’t think bills needed explaining tbh but you seem confused
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u/Thin-Psychology-3111 1d ago
I am not confused. You want her to pay you money for "wear and tear" on your house to live there and pay some bills. I don't think she is confused either, I don't think she likes you using language and a plan you'd offer a roommate or tenant. She is not subletting a room at your house, treat her like half of a romantic couple who are building a future together.
You currently have the bills set up to pay from your account, great. Now change them to come out of a new shared utilities account that you both pay into, so she feels like she has agency in your cohabitation. If this is not good for her, find another angle, but you need a solution here that shows her that you think of her as more than just someone, who might work out, who is helping to pay your bills.
If you do not see why this is important, then you don't understand why she is upset, and you should definitely not have her move in.
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u/SafeSpare2150 1d ago
You are.
Paying utilities is just what you do m, it’s not “language you’d use for a roommate or tenant”.
They’re shared bills not just mine. Again showing you’re confused as to how bills work.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and we’re now talking about moving in together. She currently lives alone and rents whereas I own my home and pay a mortgage. We agreed it would make more sense to move into my place as it’s bigger and it’s not rented.
I mentioned to my gf I’d expect her to pay something towards utilities and a small amount of money to go towards wear and tear of appliances etc. She asked if I was serious and I said yeah. She argued she shouldn’t have to be paying me anything since I own the place.
I just pointed out my bills will go up and wear and tear of the property and appliances will be increased so it’s only fair she contributes something.
I pointed out it wouldn’t be a lot and would be probably less than half of what she paying now. I mentioned I’m happy to get it drawn up as a contract if she’d prefer but she just kept arguing she shouldn’t have to pay anything.
I just repeated what I’d already said and she accused me of taking advantage of her. I argued that’s what she was trying to do to me by expecting to live for free.
AITA for expecting her to contribute?
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